confessions of inperfection
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
confessions of inperfection
I am who I am. Not perfect, not even remotely close. I've been through several stages of my recovery.
I came here desperate, despondent feeling as if life, as it was, wasn't worth the effort any more.
Out of pure desperation, I gave the 12 steps a try. I tried to use just the steps that seemed to help ease the pain. Though a temporary release, I found myself only accepting what I wanted to accept, and holding out on giving myself wholly to the concept. I wanted to hold on to something that gave me a sense of control. Surely I could at least control my own recovery.
Just like all things I've learned in life, I had to learn the hard way, ultimately, I am in control of nothing.
After fighting myself for a long time, acceptance and a small bit of understanding finely penetrated my brain. I found a small amount of peace. At least I could start functioning a little bit in the real world, instead of that small addic's world I had been trapped in.
I learned, I read, I educated myself on the whole recovery process. I tried to better me. I tried to concentrate on me. I understood everything finely, but was having a hard time applying it. Letting go, forgiveness and moving on with my life, that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm still working on it daily.
When I got to the place that I thought I was letting go and letting HP take over, I wanted to help others. I tried to help others. But I found myself slipping back into old comfortable behaviors. I wanted to be able to ease some of the pain for others. I would read here, and offer what I could, I grew to care about the people on this board, I started carrying their stories with me, almost as if they were my own. I became disheartened, because there was so much pain here, I wanted to save the world again. I didn't want anyone to ever have to endure what I had. I'm sure my words have helped some, but that wasn't good enough for me, I felt like I should have been able to say more, do something more. I started building up unrealistic expectations of myself.
So I slinked back, stopped responding as much, because I no longer had the words to respond. I couldn't save the world, and I was disappointed in myself for not being able to.
I couldn't even prevent a single one of you from feeling the pain and betrayel. The pain is what ultimately brings you to recovery. It is necessary.
I'm still falling back into my old ways. Trying to save people. I think that is why I went into the relationship that I am in now. He needed me. I felt better about myself when someone needed me.
It's my own cop out. As long as someone else needs me, I don't have to address the fact that I can't fix my own self, my own problems, I can just justify putting all my energy and self into someone else.
I know the concept of recovery. I understand it. But I still keep trying to control the outcome of it. I know I can't, yet that control issue keeps creeping in without me even noticing until Bam, there it is again.
So I have a confession to make.
Even after everything I went through, knowing what drugs do, knowing everything I know, I jumped from a horrible drug relationship, right into a relationship that should have been unacceptable. He smokes. Partly due to the cancer and the pain. I should have turned away as soon as I found out, but I didn't. Now I can't. I'm too deep. I'm questioning myself if I am drawn to him because I need to be needed, or the fact that I feel better about myself when my partner has problems bigger than my own. In a perverse way, as long as I'm with someone that has an addiction, then I can always feel like I'm better. Have the excuse not to address my own issues.
I've not been honest about all his problems, I haven't shared because I feel ashamed of myself. I knew. I walked into it with the knowledge fresh in my mind. Yet, I still did it. I still accepted less than I deserved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be cherished and held. Lord help me, I still want it. I'm willing to accept the unacceptable to have that. Even though I know I shouldn't.
Do I love him? I think I do. But I'll never be sure. I'll always wonder if I love being needed, if I love being a caretaker, or if it is really him that I love.
Maybe I keep getting into these relationships because I'm imperfect and I can't imagine anyone wanting me with all my problems and my illness and defects, unless they have bigger problems.
Maybe I'm just trying to analize the relationship to death, trying to sabatage it because deep down, I don't feel like I deserve to be truely loved.
Maybe I'm using the fact that he smokes as a crutch, not to allow myself to truelly love again.
Is it OK to accept that he uses for medical purposes or am I deluding myself? Am I quacking for him?
I don't have the answers, I only have a birage of questions about myself.
B
I came here desperate, despondent feeling as if life, as it was, wasn't worth the effort any more.
Out of pure desperation, I gave the 12 steps a try. I tried to use just the steps that seemed to help ease the pain. Though a temporary release, I found myself only accepting what I wanted to accept, and holding out on giving myself wholly to the concept. I wanted to hold on to something that gave me a sense of control. Surely I could at least control my own recovery.
Just like all things I've learned in life, I had to learn the hard way, ultimately, I am in control of nothing.
After fighting myself for a long time, acceptance and a small bit of understanding finely penetrated my brain. I found a small amount of peace. At least I could start functioning a little bit in the real world, instead of that small addic's world I had been trapped in.
I learned, I read, I educated myself on the whole recovery process. I tried to better me. I tried to concentrate on me. I understood everything finely, but was having a hard time applying it. Letting go, forgiveness and moving on with my life, that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm still working on it daily.
When I got to the place that I thought I was letting go and letting HP take over, I wanted to help others. I tried to help others. But I found myself slipping back into old comfortable behaviors. I wanted to be able to ease some of the pain for others. I would read here, and offer what I could, I grew to care about the people on this board, I started carrying their stories with me, almost as if they were my own. I became disheartened, because there was so much pain here, I wanted to save the world again. I didn't want anyone to ever have to endure what I had. I'm sure my words have helped some, but that wasn't good enough for me, I felt like I should have been able to say more, do something more. I started building up unrealistic expectations of myself.
So I slinked back, stopped responding as much, because I no longer had the words to respond. I couldn't save the world, and I was disappointed in myself for not being able to.
I couldn't even prevent a single one of you from feeling the pain and betrayel. The pain is what ultimately brings you to recovery. It is necessary.
I'm still falling back into my old ways. Trying to save people. I think that is why I went into the relationship that I am in now. He needed me. I felt better about myself when someone needed me.
It's my own cop out. As long as someone else needs me, I don't have to address the fact that I can't fix my own self, my own problems, I can just justify putting all my energy and self into someone else.
I know the concept of recovery. I understand it. But I still keep trying to control the outcome of it. I know I can't, yet that control issue keeps creeping in without me even noticing until Bam, there it is again.
So I have a confession to make.
Even after everything I went through, knowing what drugs do, knowing everything I know, I jumped from a horrible drug relationship, right into a relationship that should have been unacceptable. He smokes. Partly due to the cancer and the pain. I should have turned away as soon as I found out, but I didn't. Now I can't. I'm too deep. I'm questioning myself if I am drawn to him because I need to be needed, or the fact that I feel better about myself when my partner has problems bigger than my own. In a perverse way, as long as I'm with someone that has an addiction, then I can always feel like I'm better. Have the excuse not to address my own issues.
I've not been honest about all his problems, I haven't shared because I feel ashamed of myself. I knew. I walked into it with the knowledge fresh in my mind. Yet, I still did it. I still accepted less than I deserved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be cherished and held. Lord help me, I still want it. I'm willing to accept the unacceptable to have that. Even though I know I shouldn't.
Do I love him? I think I do. But I'll never be sure. I'll always wonder if I love being needed, if I love being a caretaker, or if it is really him that I love.
Maybe I keep getting into these relationships because I'm imperfect and I can't imagine anyone wanting me with all my problems and my illness and defects, unless they have bigger problems.
Maybe I'm just trying to analize the relationship to death, trying to sabatage it because deep down, I don't feel like I deserve to be truely loved.
Maybe I'm using the fact that he smokes as a crutch, not to allow myself to truelly love again.
Is it OK to accept that he uses for medical purposes or am I deluding myself? Am I quacking for him?
I don't have the answers, I only have a birage of questions about myself.
B
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
One of the first steps of recovering from codependcy is to question your behavior.
My ex hubby died Feb 12th, after a 13 year battle with cancer. He never smoked pot, he did have prescribed medication from his doctors and did not abuse the drugs.
I stayed with him for 11 of the cancer years, then I could not do it any longer, he was impossible to live with, very abusive, so I walked.
I still cared, but, one of us had to survive and I decided it had to be me. We had been together 24 years, it was not easy.
I then made another bad choice, my ex-abf, after 1 1/2 years, I walked, knew I had made a mistake....and let go.
So, my point is, you are never in too deep, it is a matter of choice.
My ex hubby died Feb 12th, after a 13 year battle with cancer. He never smoked pot, he did have prescribed medication from his doctors and did not abuse the drugs.
I stayed with him for 11 of the cancer years, then I could not do it any longer, he was impossible to live with, very abusive, so I walked.
I still cared, but, one of us had to survive and I decided it had to be me. We had been together 24 years, it was not easy.
I then made another bad choice, my ex-abf, after 1 1/2 years, I walked, knew I had made a mistake....and let go.
So, my point is, you are never in too deep, it is a matter of choice.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
dolly - the relationship is actually a good one. His use is a issue with me because I know everything that I do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I feel guilty because I feel like I should want to. I should know better. I broke my own biggest boundery.
B
B
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If you are in your comfort zone, then there is no reason the change anything.
Some people are meant to be caretakers all their life and will look for the opportunity.
Me, I am not good at caretaking, it makes me miserable.
Hugs,
Dolly
Some people are meant to be caretakers all their life and will look for the opportunity.
Me, I am not good at caretaking, it makes me miserable.
Hugs,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Frankly, I just want to say who beautifully written and heartwrenching your post is. I agree some poeple are menat to be caretakers. Thats why their is nurses and hospice providers in the like. Just take care of you along the way
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I find what you have shared to be very introspective and honest to yourself. I think this is huge progress. Not everyone can do that.
You have choices and you have boundaries. Remember, you also have the choice to change a boundary if it isn't working for you.
We are not so great as to have the right to judge what you have chosen to do or what you have chosen not to do.
If a choice starts to feel like a mistake, look like a mistake etc. we have the choice to change our minds about it and make a new choice.
I had to stay away too for a bit, but then I realized I needed to be more honest with myself and face my own demons. I found my real problem was I was being judgemental of others! I do not have that right and that is not my job.
In facing my demons I hope I have helped others face theirs.
I don't do any of this perfectly and I have let go of thinking I will.
I think you are examining your own self and realizing YOU is who you can save or need to save first b4 you can care for others.
If I am off base, well.. ignore me.
Now, do something good for yourself. If you can't think of anything, go to a mirror and give yourself a smile and you will see one come back at you and know you deserve to receive the good feelings that a smile can give you!
You have choices and you have boundaries. Remember, you also have the choice to change a boundary if it isn't working for you.
We are not so great as to have the right to judge what you have chosen to do or what you have chosen not to do.
If a choice starts to feel like a mistake, look like a mistake etc. we have the choice to change our minds about it and make a new choice.
I had to stay away too for a bit, but then I realized I needed to be more honest with myself and face my own demons. I found my real problem was I was being judgemental of others! I do not have that right and that is not my job.
In facing my demons I hope I have helped others face theirs.
I don't do any of this perfectly and I have let go of thinking I will.
I think you are examining your own self and realizing YOU is who you can save or need to save first b4 you can care for others.
If I am off base, well.. ignore me.
Now, do something good for yourself. If you can't think of anything, go to a mirror and give yourself a smile and you will see one come back at you and know you deserve to receive the good feelings that a smile can give you!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think that this is what recovery is all about, recognizing our faults and admitting them to another. seems to me now, it your choice to forgive yourself what anything you have or have not done. today is a new day, and you have choices to make for each new day. i agree with the others, keeping you and yours in my prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Frankly, with love in my heart I think you are beating yourself and your relationship up.
If he smokes pot with the knowledge and direction of his doctor, to ease the pain of cancer...I see that no different than taking a prescribed narcotic while under doctor's care. That is quite different than substance abuse, from where I sit. I myself have taken a narcotic pain killer after extensive dental surgery and don't consider myself an addict or even a "user". It was prescribed, I took the recommended dose, and when it was done, so was I.
I think what is more important here, is how you feel about this man and this relationship. If you are happy and like and love him as a person, then I think you have a very special relationship worth keeping.
The wonderful thing about recovery is that we now realize we have choices, and we are capable of making choices that are healthy for us...no matter what anyone else thinks.
Hugs
If he smokes pot with the knowledge and direction of his doctor, to ease the pain of cancer...I see that no different than taking a prescribed narcotic while under doctor's care. That is quite different than substance abuse, from where I sit. I myself have taken a narcotic pain killer after extensive dental surgery and don't consider myself an addict or even a "user". It was prescribed, I took the recommended dose, and when it was done, so was I.
I think what is more important here, is how you feel about this man and this relationship. If you are happy and like and love him as a person, then I think you have a very special relationship worth keeping.
The wonderful thing about recovery is that we now realize we have choices, and we are capable of making choices that are healthy for us...no matter what anyone else thinks.
Hugs
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
the alanon meeting i was at yesterday was on the topic forgiveness. forgiveness is difficult for many of us, especially self forgiveness?
thanks for the great post, frankly - really touched me. blessings, k
thanks for the great post, frankly - really touched me. blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
none of us are perfect.quit beating yourself up.if this is prescribed if should not bother you,if he causes no problems. you did not say if this is terminal. you are a good person, learn to love yourself & take care of yourself.prayers for you & your friend. bigs hugs,hope
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Thank you all. The one thing I haven't managed to get back, is my own self security. I'm always afraid of making the wrong decision. Second guessing myself and my actions. I guess in a way, I'm still walking on eggshells.
Ann, you are right. This relationship presented itself against all odds, against any reason. It was a gift at a time and under the circumstances, that I thought was not ever possible to happen. I have a hard time accepting any kind of gift. I need to stop picking it apart and enjoy what it brings me.
B
Ann, you are right. This relationship presented itself against all odds, against any reason. It was a gift at a time and under the circumstances, that I thought was not ever possible to happen. I have a hard time accepting any kind of gift. I need to stop picking it apart and enjoy what it brings me.
B
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