AH using AA meetings to escape marital stress?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 27
AH using AA meetings to escape marital stress?
Hi,
Have you ever felt this way? My AH is 13 days sober and today we had a difficult discussion over lunch. We have a 3-year old and he started talking about the fact that he wanted to visit his parents out-of-state and wanted to take her to see her grandparents. I do not want to go at this point b/c my MIL and FIL have not been supportive of me as of late. Of course, they like to enable him by minimizing the situation. His Mom would like to sweep it all under the rug and not deal with it at all.
Anyway, I came right out and said that I am not comfortable with that. The last two incidents involved him drinking while watching her. At 13 days sober, he is in no position to be trusted. He could get drinks on the plane, on the way to the plane, in the airport bar, whatever! I need to look out for her and me no matter what. So... his reaction... kind of taken aback. He gets all mopey when I express my concerns over him being able to watch her alone. He said that he hopes we can get to the point where we can put this behind us and move on with our marriage. For the love, does he not realize how much damage has been done to our marriage with the years of dishonesty, broken promises, parental neglect, etc.? How am I supposed to just blink and trust him again? Move on immediately? It's been only DAYS! HE DOESN'T GET IT! The truth hurts him -- he doesn't want to hear it -- he doesn't want to FACE it!!!
So... anyway... he is currently in outpatient treatment and went to a 3-hr. meeting THIS MORNING. After our discussion at lunch, I know he was stewing. So was I. These conversations are not easy. Like LGLG07, I feel resentment and have lost respect for him. Also, with a young child, I struggle with what it would be like to separate... how would she cope with that change? He has hid so much from me, lied and lied, withheld true feelings no matter what I'd do to encourage him to open up, what kind of a marriage is that??
What did he do tonight -- at 5pm he said he wanted to go to a 6:30 meeting. This is after 3 hrs. of morning outpatient treatment. I know him... he is using it as nothing more than an escape from the tension in our house. He runs away from conflict. He just won't deal with it head on. Look who is trying to sweep it under the rug now?
How do you get through these days? HELP!!!
TroubledNC
** Thanks to LGLG07 for a great previous post! Really resonated with me. **
Have you ever felt this way? My AH is 13 days sober and today we had a difficult discussion over lunch. We have a 3-year old and he started talking about the fact that he wanted to visit his parents out-of-state and wanted to take her to see her grandparents. I do not want to go at this point b/c my MIL and FIL have not been supportive of me as of late. Of course, they like to enable him by minimizing the situation. His Mom would like to sweep it all under the rug and not deal with it at all.
Anyway, I came right out and said that I am not comfortable with that. The last two incidents involved him drinking while watching her. At 13 days sober, he is in no position to be trusted. He could get drinks on the plane, on the way to the plane, in the airport bar, whatever! I need to look out for her and me no matter what. So... his reaction... kind of taken aback. He gets all mopey when I express my concerns over him being able to watch her alone. He said that he hopes we can get to the point where we can put this behind us and move on with our marriage. For the love, does he not realize how much damage has been done to our marriage with the years of dishonesty, broken promises, parental neglect, etc.? How am I supposed to just blink and trust him again? Move on immediately? It's been only DAYS! HE DOESN'T GET IT! The truth hurts him -- he doesn't want to hear it -- he doesn't want to FACE it!!!
So... anyway... he is currently in outpatient treatment and went to a 3-hr. meeting THIS MORNING. After our discussion at lunch, I know he was stewing. So was I. These conversations are not easy. Like LGLG07, I feel resentment and have lost respect for him. Also, with a young child, I struggle with what it would be like to separate... how would she cope with that change? He has hid so much from me, lied and lied, withheld true feelings no matter what I'd do to encourage him to open up, what kind of a marriage is that??
What did he do tonight -- at 5pm he said he wanted to go to a 6:30 meeting. This is after 3 hrs. of morning outpatient treatment. I know him... he is using it as nothing more than an escape from the tension in our house. He runs away from conflict. He just won't deal with it head on. Look who is trying to sweep it under the rug now?
How do you get through these days? HELP!!!
TroubledNC
** Thanks to LGLG07 for a great previous post! Really resonated with me. **
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
baby steps? You know him--you know what to expect--it is your child as well...If he did go to an AA meeting--really that is good not bad--he had unresolved issues and instead of picking up a bottle he went to AA..I remember when my AS would go to 3 meetings a day sometimes during the start of his recovery.I think you are right about him not taking a 3 year old after only days of recovery.It has nothing really to do with his parent not being supportive of you.It is for the babies safety. I am sure at the AA meeting he didn't get the answer he was looking for either.Let us know what they told him-I am curious.
Maybe he should go visit his parents alone for a nice visit?Nothing wrong with that is there?
Maybe he should go visit his parents alone for a nice visit?Nothing wrong with that is there?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
What sunflower said...says it all. Do you attend Alanon meetings? Holding resentment is like bring up the pain over and over...and doing nothing about it. I've had to work very hard with that one myself. Others in Alanon can share their ESH with you. Help is available if you want it. He is working a program...trying to anyway- running to a meeting is not running away from a conflict. I need a program just as much as my AS does.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Maybe he should go visit his parents alone for a nice visit?Nothing wrong with that is there?
You are right, he is in no way ready to care for a 3yr old on a trip to visit his parents.His running to an AA meeting was in all probability escape, however, it was better than running to the bottle.
At 13 days sober he is no more ready to sit down and discuss 'serious' issues than a squirrel would be. His brain is still mush, and is not making much sense within his own head. At 13 days it is a chore just to remember to get up, take a shower, brush one's teeth, work (if there is still a job to go to) and probably be a robot at work.
I know living with a practicing alkie is h*ll, BTDT, and I also know living with one that is early in sobriety is also h*ll. I hope you have a 'support group' like alanon, that you can turn to. Face to face meetings can be so helpful especially when the SO is in early recovery. SR is great but f2f is even greater.
Once again, it may be time, no it probably is time to reset some boundaries and maybe add a few new ones. Only you know your particular situation.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
He is at a point where he is struggling trying to learn how to just take care of himself...so he certainly is in no position to be the caretaker of such a small child. The beginning days of sobriety are tough and he should be focusing all his energy on getting healthy and staying sober .. which is what is really important at this stage.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
When children are involved it is very difficult. What I think happens is, after they have had their binge drinking they do feel guilty and shameful. So, they want to make up to the children. Lets go and see grandparents, lets go shopping, how can I repay for the damage I have done. When he is sober, he wants to take charge again and be the dad bla bla bla. Has to prove himself, even though it doesnt seem that way. When he is pissed, he couldnt care less. A merry go round.
You are a good person, and like everyone has said, you know him.....and being on your own is great...even though it is a scary thought. I know, I did it with three sons on my own.
Good Luck
You are a good person, and like everyone has said, you know him.....and being on your own is great...even though it is a scary thought. I know, I did it with three sons on my own.
Good Luck
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
At 13 days sober he is no more ready to sit down and discuss 'serious' issues than a squirrel would be.
Troubled...it is nothing less than aggravating this place where you're at. It's no picnic and you have my empathy.
But Laurie's sooo right...actually, if I was a betting woman, my money would be on the squirrel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 27
Laurie and Nuudawn, thanks for making me laugh this morning. I will be thinking about "my money is on the squirrel" all morning and smirking. One of my other favorite sayings is that "even a blind squirrel gets a nut every once in a while"! 
Sunflower, I don't know if he discussed the childcare thing at his meeting, but I know his outpatient counselor would side with me on this one!
We had a big conversation last night that was a good one. I laid a blanket on the family room floor after our daughter went to sleep and we talked while watching the lightning storm outside. Sometimes I feel as if I am banging my head against the wall when we talk -- the merry-go-round analogy applies. But, I tried to be a good listener last night and not interject too much. Just ask questions and wait for him to open up. I guess I just feel like I am waiting for answers he cannot provide right now.
Thanks for all the loving responses!
Troubled
Sunflower, I don't know if he discussed the childcare thing at his meeting, but I know his outpatient counselor would side with me on this one!
We had a big conversation last night that was a good one. I laid a blanket on the family room floor after our daughter went to sleep and we talked while watching the lightning storm outside. Sometimes I feel as if I am banging my head against the wall when we talk -- the merry-go-round analogy applies. But, I tried to be a good listener last night and not interject too much. Just ask questions and wait for him to open up. I guess I just feel like I am waiting for answers he cannot provide right now.
Thanks for all the loving responses!
Troubled
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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You need to get to some Alanon meetings for yourself.
When I was first sobering up I didn't have a relationship which when I think back on was a good thing because I would not have been able to handle that and stay sober.
If he is in an out patient treatment then his counsellors are the ones to talk to him about going to take his daughter to see his parents. And I doubt they'd see it as a good idea at this point.
Earthworm
When I was first sobering up I didn't have a relationship which when I think back on was a good thing because I would not have been able to handle that and stay sober.
If he is in an out patient treatment then his counsellors are the ones to talk to him about going to take his daughter to see his parents. And I doubt they'd see it as a good idea at this point.
Earthworm
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Hi troubled .
You have gotten a lot of great advice already !
I think you are absolutely right in not letting him take your child to the park , let alone on an airplane . Like Justjo implied , they want to make up for their lost time and be daddy of the year . I think the first time they quit both the alkie and the SO have very high expectations . You think its finally over ! Hes not drinking anymore . They think they did it now their totally fine , nothing wrong with them anymore . If only it were that easy .
He will always be an alcoholic whether he is in recovery or active . Its a life long disease and the longer you are active the more damage you do to your health physically and mentally as well as to your loved ones and relationships.
I relate to the resentment all too well ! It took years for it to build up and they expect it to just go away the second the bottle goes away . That part is up to us to fix , we need al anon , we need to help ourselves regardless of what they do . Its a process and again , a long one . It all depends on the choices we make from here on out , we can choose to change nothing and nothing will change , or we can choose to get help through al anon and SR and make changes for the better . We depend on us and so do our kids .
Lots of luck . looking forward to hearing more from you
You have gotten a lot of great advice already !
I think you are absolutely right in not letting him take your child to the park , let alone on an airplane . Like Justjo implied , they want to make up for their lost time and be daddy of the year . I think the first time they quit both the alkie and the SO have very high expectations . You think its finally over ! Hes not drinking anymore . They think they did it now their totally fine , nothing wrong with them anymore . If only it were that easy .
He will always be an alcoholic whether he is in recovery or active . Its a life long disease and the longer you are active the more damage you do to your health physically and mentally as well as to your loved ones and relationships.
I relate to the resentment all too well ! It took years for it to build up and they expect it to just go away the second the bottle goes away . That part is up to us to fix , we need al anon , we need to help ourselves regardless of what they do . Its a process and again , a long one . It all depends on the choices we make from here on out , we can choose to change nothing and nothing will change , or we can choose to get help through al anon and SR and make changes for the better . We depend on us and so do our kids .
Lots of luck . looking forward to hearing more from you
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((TroubledinNC))) I sometimes think early recovery is HARDER than active using. At least then, we knew OUR role in the dance, eh?
Of course he should go to meetings if he is feeling stress... not because he shouldn't come to you, but because (at this early stage) in his mind, the other option is likely to be go back to drinking/using. Of the 2, I would pick a meeting.
What I know about program is that the "amends" part is not at the beginning... for good reason. There is little trust, and we've heard the "I'm so sorry's" too many times before.
So we who love addicts/alcoholics can feel left out and unacknowledged. I think attending Alanon and finding support and resources from folks who understand OUR side of the street is VITAL.
I wish you well.
Of course he should go to meetings if he is feeling stress... not because he shouldn't come to you, but because (at this early stage) in his mind, the other option is likely to be go back to drinking/using. Of the 2, I would pick a meeting.
What I know about program is that the "amends" part is not at the beginning... for good reason. There is little trust, and we've heard the "I'm so sorry's" too many times before.
So we who love addicts/alcoholics can feel left out and unacknowledged. I think attending Alanon and finding support and resources from folks who understand OUR side of the street is VITAL.
I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upper Kolobia
Posts: 153
Give Me a "C" . . .
C . . .
Give me an "O" . . .
O . . .
Give me an "N" . . .
N . . .
Give me a "T" . . .
Anyone who can't see where this one is going? You didn't say what was involved with him bringing your child to see your in-laws . . . Is there much difference between a visit to them and his watching her when he could easily grab a cab down to the corner liquor supplier?
And how long has it been since his parents saw their grandchild? I got real nervous when I saw your actions that could be seen as "punishing" them on some level . . . In 12-Step Programs we learn to clean up our side of the street . . .
You mention he drank while watching her the last two times, but was he involved with a treatment program those times? That's a huge issue, and trust me as a former counselor, therapists who "side" with one party in the other are quick candidates for burn-out . . . If a relationship deteriorates to a contest of "who's right and who's wrong," toxicity is the only way to characterize it . . .
If you're going into this thing with a control agenda that includes manipulating any and all circumstances, I foresee a likely dismal outcome . . .
Recovery for your husband will mean developing behaviors that involve responsibility for his disease and managing the sober symptoms . . . And frankly, given the heat you're putting on him (understandable and not all bad, but likely excessive given his situation), I can understand why he's hitting extra meetings. He didn't get the way he is overnight, and he's not going to turn into your ideal overnight, either . . .
Anyway, recovery for you will involve processing and letting go of a whole lot of anger and feelings of betrayal, and inflicting them on those around you will only create obstacles to growth for all.
JMHO
CC1
Who stocked up on flame retardent before posting this one
Give me an "O" . . .
O . . .
Give me an "N" . . .
N . . .
Give me a "T" . . .
Anyone who can't see where this one is going? You didn't say what was involved with him bringing your child to see your in-laws . . . Is there much difference between a visit to them and his watching her when he could easily grab a cab down to the corner liquor supplier?
And how long has it been since his parents saw their grandchild? I got real nervous when I saw your actions that could be seen as "punishing" them on some level . . . In 12-Step Programs we learn to clean up our side of the street . . .
You mention he drank while watching her the last two times, but was he involved with a treatment program those times? That's a huge issue, and trust me as a former counselor, therapists who "side" with one party in the other are quick candidates for burn-out . . . If a relationship deteriorates to a contest of "who's right and who's wrong," toxicity is the only way to characterize it . . .
If you're going into this thing with a control agenda that includes manipulating any and all circumstances, I foresee a likely dismal outcome . . .
Recovery for your husband will mean developing behaviors that involve responsibility for his disease and managing the sober symptoms . . . And frankly, given the heat you're putting on him (understandable and not all bad, but likely excessive given his situation), I can understand why he's hitting extra meetings. He didn't get the way he is overnight, and he's not going to turn into your ideal overnight, either . . .
Anyway, recovery for you will involve processing and letting go of a whole lot of anger and feelings of betrayal, and inflicting them on those around you will only create obstacles to growth for all.
JMHO
CC1
Who stocked up on flame retardent before posting this one
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i'm not sure that troubled's issue is about control, and i find it completely understandable that she wouldn't trust her husband to take their daughter on that trip. i don't see how someone could.
13 days isn't a whole lot of time to be sober. my ex could easily go 13 days if she wanted to, then get plastered at a bar and endanger the lives of everyone on the road.
this has nothing to do with punishing her grandparents, at all. this has to do with the safety of your daughter, and the fact that every alcoholic needs to face the consequences of his or her actions. if the grandparents want to see her so badly, they can come visit, instead of the other way around. it's not at all necessary for him to go there.
i would never, in a million years, let someone 13 days sober (after how many years of drinking?) take my child in a car on a road trip. i would love my family and myself too much to allow a devastating event to happen... all because i was afraid of being controlling? safety comes first. he can build up to that trust and take her in a year if he wants to, if it means that much to him.
13 days isn't a whole lot of time to be sober. my ex could easily go 13 days if she wanted to, then get plastered at a bar and endanger the lives of everyone on the road.
this has nothing to do with punishing her grandparents, at all. this has to do with the safety of your daughter, and the fact that every alcoholic needs to face the consequences of his or her actions. if the grandparents want to see her so badly, they can come visit, instead of the other way around. it's not at all necessary for him to go there.
i would never, in a million years, let someone 13 days sober (after how many years of drinking?) take my child in a car on a road trip. i would love my family and myself too much to allow a devastating event to happen... all because i was afraid of being controlling? safety comes first. he can build up to that trust and take her in a year if he wants to, if it means that much to him.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Concolor, although I understand where you are going with this, I do not understand how her fears about her children in the care of someone so newly sober and so far away are deemed "controlling". When it comes to the care of the small and vulnerable I do believe it is instinctive to want to protect.
Now if Troubled was telling AH he couldn't go on trip on his own to see his parents..or heck Las Vegas for that matter cuz he was too newly sober etc...that would reek of control to me. That's not her decision to make...but children...hmmm...I think her fears of having no control whatsoever regarding the care of her children whilst out of state are relatively healthy...or justifiable at the very least.
Now if Troubled was telling AH he couldn't go on trip on his own to see his parents..or heck Las Vegas for that matter cuz he was too newly sober etc...that would reek of control to me. That's not her decision to make...but children...hmmm...I think her fears of having no control whatsoever regarding the care of her children whilst out of state are relatively healthy...or justifiable at the very least.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Right now he is using meetings instead of drinking to handle how he feels.
Leave him alone, he seems to be trying to work his program.
!3 days is nothing and the fact that you are still being very controlling is a sure sign that your not going to Alanon to help yourself.
He is making his CHOICE right now, time for you to work on you.
Leave him alone, he seems to be trying to work his program.
!3 days is nothing and the fact that you are still being very controlling is a sure sign that your not going to Alanon to help yourself.
He is making his CHOICE right now, time for you to work on you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
...and the fact that you are still being very controlling is a sure sign that your not going to Alanon to help yourself.
i beg to differ... i don't see her as being controlling.
also, alanon isn't for everyone. many of us don't go, and we're helping ourselves just fine without it. it's her choice whether or not she wants to attend...
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