just hung up w/ah's counselor
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
just hung up w/ah's counselor
im soooooo confused .. for days i have been feeling so strong . really felt like if i dont make some changes nothing is going to change (for me i mean , not for my ah) i decided that after he gets out of rehab (supposedly in 14 days) he will have to live someplace else for a while and really work his program and do whatever he has to do for himself to get and stay sober . right now i think i add to his problems because i have so much resentment and have lost alot of respect for him (because of how he has treated me, not because of his disease) i try not to feel that way but i do and cant help it . i imagine after some time , maybe even a year , if he is still sober and still doing what he needs to do for himself to stay that way we can work on reconciling if at the time its what we both want ( things can change and he may not want me aft a while of being sober or vice versa ) and i know that even after a year of sobriety its still one day at a time and anything can happen but over this past year he has gone into rehab , come home , starts drinking in 30 days , goes back in , comes home , starts drinking w/in a couple of wks , then again but this time instead of coming home went to a 1/2 way house for a few wks then came home & started drinking again . something has to change !!!
his counselor just pretty much made me feel like a complete moron . said things to imply that if i didnt let him come home then i wasnt supporting him at all . he said he (counselor) is in recovery himself and all they (alcoholics) need to hear when they are recovering from their spouse/gf/bf is that they love them and everything will be okay . how can i say that if i dont know ??? he also said relapsing is not part of recovery put part of the disease .. isnt is the same ? relapsing , recovery , w/out the disease there wouldnt be either .
he also told me to go to alanon .. which i know i need to do .. put i feel like i have learned so much from SR that i was actually moving in the right dirx . doesnt alanon teach you how to live for you and not your ah ? isnt that what im doing by setting boundarys or am i just being controlling ???
help !
his counselor just pretty much made me feel like a complete moron . said things to imply that if i didnt let him come home then i wasnt supporting him at all . he said he (counselor) is in recovery himself and all they (alcoholics) need to hear when they are recovering from their spouse/gf/bf is that they love them and everything will be okay . how can i say that if i dont know ??? he also said relapsing is not part of recovery put part of the disease .. isnt is the same ? relapsing , recovery , w/out the disease there wouldnt be either .
he also told me to go to alanon .. which i know i need to do .. put i feel like i have learned so much from SR that i was actually moving in the right dirx . doesnt alanon teach you how to live for you and not your ah ? isnt that what im doing by setting boundarys or am i just being controlling ???
help !
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by LGLG07 
? isnt that what im doing by setting boundarys or am i just being controlling ???
help !
help !
As far as SR... Yes this is a great site with so much info and support BUT...
Meetings and that face to face contact with other people sure can make a huge difference in what or how we learn things.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
IMO....
He is right about your needing al anon, yet he is wrong about insisting you must allow him home or your not supporting him.
The therapist is a human, and can have skewed vision on certain matters. His opinion on what YOU should do is simply his opinion, not the universal truth of all creation.
For such a huge decision, Id discuss it deeply with my sponsor, or another trusted person who KNOWS me and my situation.
Alanon, tho, is a MUST for ANYONE who choses to live in any manner with someone with this disease. Especially, early recovering people.
He is right about your needing al anon, yet he is wrong about insisting you must allow him home or your not supporting him.
The therapist is a human, and can have skewed vision on certain matters. His opinion on what YOU should do is simply his opinion, not the universal truth of all creation.
For such a huge decision, Id discuss it deeply with my sponsor, or another trusted person who KNOWS me and my situation.
Alanon, tho, is a MUST for ANYONE who choses to live in any manner with someone with this disease. Especially, early recovering people.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
You going to alanon is a must!
But I think his comments and what he implied was totally unethical.
In fact he should not be talking to you about it AT ALL.
The fact is also it will take over a year, yes a year and maybe longer of him being sober for you to even consider him again.
Take care of yourself, this comes 1st.
You going to alanon is a must!
But I think his comments and what he implied was totally unethical.
In fact he should not be talking to you about it AT ALL.
The fact is also it will take over a year, yes a year and maybe longer of him being sober for you to even consider him again.
Take care of yourself, this comes 1st.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Thank you everyone and I do agree , I know al anon is a must . I simply have to find the time to get there , it will be difficult but worth it and not impossible.
I feel a little less stressed now . I too thought the counselor to be a little out of line in the tone he was talking to me in and what he was saying . I can listen to anyones advice but he was a little condensending and making me uncomfortable .
My motives are to keep peace in my life . My children are young and for them to have their parents together for a couple of months at a time and then daddy runs off to rehab again is just too hard on them and not fair . Plus all the cold shoulders and days of not talking that go on in between rehab runs isnt healthy for them or us . I did tell the counselor that it wasnt *normal* . He was a little ticked by my using the word normal but what I meant was that to my kids , none of their friends dads are in rehab , therefore to them , its not normal . It doesnt take much for kids their ages to feel isolated from their peers and this could very well do it .
I want to support his recovery , if for nothing else than because he is a human life and its such a waste of Gods creation for him to live his life this way . Also because he is the father of my children and I want them to have a healthy relationship with him , its important . If we can come together in the end then that would be great too but if not , at least I can tell myself and my kids that we did everything we could to keep it together .
Thank you again for making me not feel so crazy !
I feel a little less stressed now . I too thought the counselor to be a little out of line in the tone he was talking to me in and what he was saying . I can listen to anyones advice but he was a little condensending and making me uncomfortable .
My motives are to keep peace in my life . My children are young and for them to have their parents together for a couple of months at a time and then daddy runs off to rehab again is just too hard on them and not fair . Plus all the cold shoulders and days of not talking that go on in between rehab runs isnt healthy for them or us . I did tell the counselor that it wasnt *normal* . He was a little ticked by my using the word normal but what I meant was that to my kids , none of their friends dads are in rehab , therefore to them , its not normal . It doesnt take much for kids their ages to feel isolated from their peers and this could very well do it .
I want to support his recovery , if for nothing else than because he is a human life and its such a waste of Gods creation for him to live his life this way . Also because he is the father of my children and I want them to have a healthy relationship with him , its important . If we can come together in the end then that would be great too but if not , at least I can tell myself and my kids that we did everything we could to keep it together .
Thank you again for making me not feel so crazy !
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
hi LGLG07
I don't talk to my Gf conselsor, doctors, lawyers, or sponsor.
it would be a conflict of interest...i know they care.
but the words just comes out all wrong...for me
in other words..your hubby is getting support.
Who's your support you ? who's your conselor ?...or sponsor ?
you know...we feel more wacked than the alkis sometimes.
it's is also my experience that I don't emmesh with my gf's program
and she dosn't emmesh in mine...it works better this way.
As strange as it may be..two people are actaully closer without emmeshing.
I don't talk to my Gf conselsor, doctors, lawyers, or sponsor.
it would be a conflict of interest...i know they care.
but the words just comes out all wrong...for me
in other words..your hubby is getting support.
Who's your support you ? who's your conselor ?...or sponsor ?
you know...we feel more wacked than the alkis sometimes.
it's is also my experience that I don't emmesh with my gf's program
and she dosn't emmesh in mine...it works better this way.
As strange as it may be..two people are actaully closer without emmeshing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by LGLG07
he said he (counselor) is in recovery himself and all they (alcoholics) need to hear when they are recovering from their spouse/gf/bf is that they love them and everything will be okay .
You've already been given good advice on this board. This statement jumped out at me....remember this counselor is just human,too and this is where he is "coming from"....may color his thinking on some issues because of his own experiences.
Toby Rice Drews deals alot with these issues in Getting Them Sober, Vol.4 (see http:www.GettingThemSober.com for a few chapters from it). She recommends at least a year's sobriety when possible, before moving back in with the family, for many of the same reasons that you have mentioned as concerns of yours. (She comes from an Alanon point of view,fwiw)
Best of luck to you all and do what you feel to be best for you and your kids!
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Hi Satit . nice to hear from you and thanks for that advice . i dont plan on 'meshing' anymore . my ah actually called me today (which i didnt expect because he is still in detox and never was able to call until he was out of detox before) his counselor was next to him so he got on the phone . i was a little taken back .. they sound a little to much like friends but i guess thats a good thing ????
Pickaname .. thank you for that link .. i will be stopping on my way home for the book .. i dont think i will be the only one that benefits from it , i will share it with his whole family !
thanks again !! (())
Pickaname .. thank you for that link .. i will be stopping on my way home for the book .. i dont think i will be the only one that benefits from it , i will share it with his whole family !
thanks again !! (())
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey LG...
Yep, this counsellor's advice don't sit right with me either. AH's recovery is not your responsiblity. You have a right to your choice, your decision, your journey....just as he does. I gotta tell you...I know an addiction's counsellor...also on his own journey of recovery. In my books, he is not the picture of mental health. He is still a fallible, human work in progress ...still doing battle with his ego...by his own admission. Counsellors make mistakes, give wrong advice, have bad days ..and yep and here's a biggie..personalize the experiences of others with their own..to a fault at times.
The only voice I trust these days is the small voice within that I attribute to the God of my understanding.
Yep, this counsellor's advice don't sit right with me either. AH's recovery is not your responsiblity. You have a right to your choice, your decision, your journey....just as he does. I gotta tell you...I know an addiction's counsellor...also on his own journey of recovery. In my books, he is not the picture of mental health. He is still a fallible, human work in progress ...still doing battle with his ego...by his own admission. Counsellors make mistakes, give wrong advice, have bad days ..and yep and here's a biggie..personalize the experiences of others with their own..to a fault at times.
The only voice I trust these days is the small voice within that I attribute to the God of my understanding.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
ahhhhh....remember.....the counselor is speaking as an addict in recovery....they have different agendas than we, as al-anonians, have.
in other words, of course they need a home to come home to and a loving family.....ain't that nice.
well, we needed a loving family, too. and the alcoholism made that impossible. believe me, in my xh case, living with sobriety was just as hellashish.....he had so many resentments and was always spouting off about "being good to himself"......which would have been fine if he hadn't been cussing me like a dog while he was saying it.
i found out the hard way that my ex's way of finding recovery was pounding me down into the ground mentally.
from then on i said....go get sober, stay sober, take care of yourself for 2 years, and then we will see about us.
course, that didnt happen. because he needed another enabler to house him, support him financially and all,
phooey!!!
in other words, of course they need a home to come home to and a loving family.....ain't that nice.
well, we needed a loving family, too. and the alcoholism made that impossible. believe me, in my xh case, living with sobriety was just as hellashish.....he had so many resentments and was always spouting off about "being good to himself"......which would have been fine if he hadn't been cussing me like a dog while he was saying it.
i found out the hard way that my ex's way of finding recovery was pounding me down into the ground mentally.
from then on i said....go get sober, stay sober, take care of yourself for 2 years, and then we will see about us.
course, that didnt happen. because he needed another enabler to house him, support him financially and all,
phooey!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
sounds to me like the plan you have set up and the questions you are asking are right ontarget--wait a year--AH should be glad you are even willing to do that for him...Who knows what this counsellor was thinking--but it is true he does not know you personally or your situation...you have to do whats right for you and the kids...sounds to me like you are giving your AH a chance to prove himself-and stay sober--then work on the relationship-what is wrong with that?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
It sounds like the counselor, much like so many of the alcoholics in our lives .. is more concerned about their own issues ... and don't take into consideration that the spouses and family members have already sacrificed so much of their own right to a healthy, happy life ... and we need to protect ourselves.. and not spend our entire lives playing the supporting role to someone that has chosen to self destruct.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey LG - I think BigGirlPanties is right on the money when she says that just because one person (in this case the person happens to be a counselour) has an opinion, it doesn't make it the truth. You've gotten some great feedback here...everyone seems to agree that you are right on track, and that the plan you have, the boundaries you have set, are healthy and good.
I just know how hard it is when you work so hard to find the strength to lay down boundaries, and then one person's comments or opinions make it all feel wrong. ugh. That happens to me sometimes too. Like when I told a good friend that I had left my AH...and her reply was "but did you try to help him???". sigh. Yes. Yes, I tried to help him. But after all I had been through, all the drama, confusion, fear, and sadness, this comment really hurt me. Of course she didn't mean to hurt me...she didn't get what I was going through...it's hard to understand...that's why SR is so awesome.
Anyways...thinking of you...hope all is well.
neg
I just know how hard it is when you work so hard to find the strength to lay down boundaries, and then one person's comments or opinions make it all feel wrong. ugh. That happens to me sometimes too. Like when I told a good friend that I had left my AH...and her reply was "but did you try to help him???". sigh. Yes. Yes, I tried to help him. But after all I had been through, all the drama, confusion, fear, and sadness, this comment really hurt me. Of course she didn't mean to hurt me...she didn't get what I was going through...it's hard to understand...that's why SR is so awesome.
Anyways...thinking of you...hope all is well.
neg
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
oh thank you thank you thank you .. everyone .. from the bottom of my heart! i had such a bad last hour of work and drove home an hour trying to make myself let go of the aggrevation from there . to sign on to all of your advice and encouragment was just what i needed to end my day on a good note !!
i was feeling really good and just like NEG said , that one persons comments , got me feeling really bad and rethinking my solutions . And then that one person isnt just anyone , its a counselor and my ahs counselor to boot ! but you are all right , hes human and in recovery and whats good advice for one may not work for another!
thanks again ! i will sleep easy tonight !! (())
i was feeling really good and just like NEG said , that one persons comments , got me feeling really bad and rethinking my solutions . And then that one person isnt just anyone , its a counselor and my ahs counselor to boot ! but you are all right , hes human and in recovery and whats good advice for one may not work for another!
thanks again ! i will sleep easy tonight !! (())
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
His counsellor is totally off base about if you are supporting him or not. I think the counsellor needs some counselling himself.
You need to do what is good for YOU as long as it isn't to change him but to take care of yourself.
Earthworm
You need to do what is good for YOU as long as it isn't to change him but to take care of yourself.
Earthworm
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
LG, I know it is hard to find time for Al Anon but I promise even just one meeting a week will help. You're right when you say that SR has helped. My recovery has skyrocketed since i've been in this forum. I can remind myself every day, three times a day if I want of where i've been and where i'm going. I'm sure that's what you get here too.
But really, if you can make it.....at least one meeting a week. You'll probably end up making time for more b/c you'll enjoy the face to face support and exchange.
BTW.....my two cents on the counselor....what he said is a pile of crap. He should be reported to his superior for what he said to you. That was just plain manipulation and sounds like trashy addict-speak. If we're supposed to let the alcoholic make their own decisions then we have the same right as well. What about you? I guess in all of his humanity, the counselor is still making it all about the alcoholic.
Much love. You are doing great!
But really, if you can make it.....at least one meeting a week. You'll probably end up making time for more b/c you'll enjoy the face to face support and exchange.
BTW.....my two cents on the counselor....what he said is a pile of crap. He should be reported to his superior for what he said to you. That was just plain manipulation and sounds like trashy addict-speak. If we're supposed to let the alcoholic make their own decisions then we have the same right as well. What about you? I guess in all of his humanity, the counselor is still making it all about the alcoholic.
Much love. You are doing great!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by LGLG07
His counselor just pretty much made me feel like a complete moron . said things to imply that if i didnt let him come home then i wasnt supporting him at all . he said he (counselor) is in recovery himself and all they (alcoholics) need to hear when they are recovering from their spouse/gf/bf is that they love them and everything will be okay . how can i say that if i dont know ??? he also said relapsing is not part of recovery put part of the disease .. isnt is the same ? relapsing , recovery , w/out the disease there wouldnt be either .
he also told me to go to alanon .. which i know i need to do .. put i feel like i have learned so much from SR that i was actually moving in the right dirx . doesnt alanon teach you how to live for you and not your ah ? isnt that what im doing by setting boundarys or am i just being controlling ???
help !
he also told me to go to alanon .. which i know i need to do .. put i feel like i have learned so much from SR that i was actually moving in the right dirx . doesnt alanon teach you how to live for you and not your ah ? isnt that what im doing by setting boundarys or am i just being controlling ???
help !
You are not being controlling just because you're setting boundaries. You are protecting yourself and your children. I believe that what God wants you to do. As others have suggested, don't talk to his counselor anymore. You take care of yourself.
And yes, Al-Anon would be great for you. By all means go if at all possible. I'm encouraged to hear that you have taken all those steps and set the boundaries you've set. You are soooooo doing the right thing. Take it from one who knows other side of this disease.
Your friend in sobriety,
Ed
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thank you everyone again !
Ed pls dont ever apologize for intruding , I have read your posts before and your input means so much to me considered what you are recovering from and thank you for your encouragement . Congrats to you and best wishes for a long recovery .
You will all be happy to know that I have a list of al anon meetings in my area, there is only one on each day that i am avail but i can make it work w/a sitter for the kids . Im going to start to set that up today , my first meeting may be Wednesday ! it actually cant come soon enough !
Ed pls dont ever apologize for intruding , I have read your posts before and your input means so much to me considered what you are recovering from and thank you for your encouragement . Congrats to you and best wishes for a long recovery .
You will all be happy to know that I have a list of al anon meetings in my area, there is only one on each day that i am avail but i can make it work w/a sitter for the kids . Im going to start to set that up today , my first meeting may be Wednesday ! it actually cant come soon enough !
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