It was supposed to be Just a quick visit..
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
It was supposed to be Just a quick visit..
Just a quick visit....
That's what we were going to do. The kids and I were going to the grocery store, but AH had asked if we'd stop over tonight. I had a letter for him and needed to have him sign this paper for one of my jobs - they needed the spouse to sign if you were married (unfortunately I still am), so we stopped over quick. The kids ran in ahead of me and started raiding the pop & chips. I got there and told him I needed a signature on this form for work.
He said he wasn't going to sign it.
I said fine than.
Then he grabbed it again and started reading it, it was hard for me to explain what it was for - it had to deal with a retirement plan they offered. I had the paper on a plastic clipboard along with some of my other papers for work. He started thumbing through the other papers - I told him he didn't have to worry about them. He starts spouting off that the page he was supposed to sign didn't pertain to him either. You know BLAH,BLAH,BLAH, QUACK,QUACK!!!
He then started to blow up! He picked my clipboard up and slammed it down on the table. The clipboard broke - left pieces on the table and floor - but kept my pages together.
The kids were right there in the living room of the apartment not 3-5 feet away - one didn't care (she' 13 - doesn't like her parents anyway), the 11 year old screams and drops to her knees on the floor, the 8 year old just starts crying.
I say we're done and are leaving. I grab what's left of the clipboard - but leave the garbage for him to pick up. I take the 8 year olds cup with unfinished pop and set it on the table. I open the door and we leave - the younger two still screaming and crying. 13 year old's happy, she walked out with his bag of chips - yipee! Oh and she said she seriously wanted to backtalk to him right now! I almost cry too on the way to the store - but I need to be strong right now for them - I'll cry about it later.
It did serve a good reason for the 11 year old to learn why she is not supposed to go to her dad's alone. I hope she remembers that.
We were going to go over there tomorrow for either lunch or supper as part of his everyother weekend 3 hour supervised visitation. When AH called tonight after we got back from the grocery store - I told him we would not be coming over this weekend. Of course he wanted to know why. Duh! - he didn't do anything wrong.
Does anyone see a problem with us not going to visit him?
Should I call my lawyer? and tell her? She lives in town so it wouldn't be much of a problem calling on the weekend - I just hate to bother her if it's petty stuff that can wait. Ok - I realize it's not petty - he seriously scared the kids, they weren't back to their usual argumentative selves for a good 1/2 hour.
Everything so far that AH has done - has been less than what is needed for a restraining order. He hasn't hurt us physically (other than to me 1 time 8-9 years ago) which I know counts but the courts don't, but I am really starting to get scared that something will push him over the edge - like his next court date coming up.
I'm glad I got somwhere to vent.
Thanks for listening.
That's what we were going to do. The kids and I were going to the grocery store, but AH had asked if we'd stop over tonight. I had a letter for him and needed to have him sign this paper for one of my jobs - they needed the spouse to sign if you were married (unfortunately I still am), so we stopped over quick. The kids ran in ahead of me and started raiding the pop & chips. I got there and told him I needed a signature on this form for work.
He said he wasn't going to sign it.
I said fine than.
Then he grabbed it again and started reading it, it was hard for me to explain what it was for - it had to deal with a retirement plan they offered. I had the paper on a plastic clipboard along with some of my other papers for work. He started thumbing through the other papers - I told him he didn't have to worry about them. He starts spouting off that the page he was supposed to sign didn't pertain to him either. You know BLAH,BLAH,BLAH, QUACK,QUACK!!!
He then started to blow up! He picked my clipboard up and slammed it down on the table. The clipboard broke - left pieces on the table and floor - but kept my pages together.
The kids were right there in the living room of the apartment not 3-5 feet away - one didn't care (she' 13 - doesn't like her parents anyway), the 11 year old screams and drops to her knees on the floor, the 8 year old just starts crying.
I say we're done and are leaving. I grab what's left of the clipboard - but leave the garbage for him to pick up. I take the 8 year olds cup with unfinished pop and set it on the table. I open the door and we leave - the younger two still screaming and crying. 13 year old's happy, she walked out with his bag of chips - yipee! Oh and she said she seriously wanted to backtalk to him right now! I almost cry too on the way to the store - but I need to be strong right now for them - I'll cry about it later.
It did serve a good reason for the 11 year old to learn why she is not supposed to go to her dad's alone. I hope she remembers that.
We were going to go over there tomorrow for either lunch or supper as part of his everyother weekend 3 hour supervised visitation. When AH called tonight after we got back from the grocery store - I told him we would not be coming over this weekend. Of course he wanted to know why. Duh! - he didn't do anything wrong.
Does anyone see a problem with us not going to visit him?
Should I call my lawyer? and tell her? She lives in town so it wouldn't be much of a problem calling on the weekend - I just hate to bother her if it's petty stuff that can wait. Ok - I realize it's not petty - he seriously scared the kids, they weren't back to their usual argumentative selves for a good 1/2 hour.
Everything so far that AH has done - has been less than what is needed for a restraining order. He hasn't hurt us physically (other than to me 1 time 8-9 years ago) which I know counts but the courts don't, but I am really starting to get scared that something will push him over the edge - like his next court date coming up.
I'm glad I got somwhere to vent.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
I'd call the lawyer - or email her if you can (email is a little less intrusive of her weekend I guess). I'd hate for you to be held responsible for the visitation not happening without proper documentation of his assault on your property, intimidation tactics and insensitivity to your kids who are obviously in a fragile state. I *think* throwing objects is considered physical violence - I'd ask the attorney.
The purpose of visits, I would think, is to maintain some kind of feeling of stability for the kids. No one should be afraid to visit - that's a red flag. When he's volatile it defeats the purpose and is scary. Is he required to do anger management and/or parenting classes? Maybe their visitation should happen in a therapist's office.
The purpose of visits, I would think, is to maintain some kind of feeling of stability for the kids. No one should be afraid to visit - that's a red flag. When he's volatile it defeats the purpose and is scary. Is he required to do anger management and/or parenting classes? Maybe their visitation should happen in a therapist's office.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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While we hate to rely or ask others for help sometimes - there are often times that I believe that supervised visits are better for everyone when the parents themselves are not the supervisors.
Your account of what happened in your post is a prime example of why I don't believe that parents are always the best supervisors.
On that note, I'd recommend looking into alternative ways to have supervised visitation. And I'd also recommend you talk to your attorney in regards to what happened and find out what can be done that is in the best interest of everyone involved (this includes you as well as the children).
You are not in the wrong to want to avoid the visitation this weekend - it's your instinct to protect your children.
Are your children seeking therapy? Sorry I don't recall if they are or not, but from the sounds of the quick reaction that was brought forth by the younger ones, I'd think that counseling would be highly beneficial. As well as for the older one considering that she sounds used to it - and that too isn't always a good thing. I'd be concerned that she finds this behavior "normal" and may end up in the same type of relationship.
Hang in there - do what you can do - and remember the Serenity Prayer.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Your account of what happened in your post is a prime example of why I don't believe that parents are always the best supervisors.
On that note, I'd recommend looking into alternative ways to have supervised visitation. And I'd also recommend you talk to your attorney in regards to what happened and find out what can be done that is in the best interest of everyone involved (this includes you as well as the children).
You are not in the wrong to want to avoid the visitation this weekend - it's your instinct to protect your children.
Are your children seeking therapy? Sorry I don't recall if they are or not, but from the sounds of the quick reaction that was brought forth by the younger ones, I'd think that counseling would be highly beneficial. As well as for the older one considering that she sounds used to it - and that too isn't always a good thing. I'd be concerned that she finds this behavior "normal" and may end up in the same type of relationship.
Hang in there - do what you can do - and remember the Serenity Prayer.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
He is supposed to take a parenting class with the process of the divorce - he hasn't done it yet. He definitely tries to put the kids in the middle having them ask me if they can come over on this day or that - to which I ask my child to give me the phone and I respond to him directly.
He's so volitile because he's drinking - or rather it's worse or more expressed when he's drinking/ less inhibited. My lawyer had proposed that the visits not happen if he'd been drinking - however that never made it to the final order.
We are in rural nowhere and there really isn't any therapist office or center they could go to for a visitation. AH's own brother even doesn't want AH to have his supervised visits at his house. The only ones listed to supervise are me or AH's mom (who's not all there in some respects).
I could see AH calling the sheriff on me again. I think the sheriff's dept sees him for what he is - so I don't know that he'll get much sympathy from them - and it would be another way to document what he did too.
Yes, standingstrong, the kids have been in counseling since September. They actually have been doing better I think - more I think because we haven't had as much dealing with AH since he's not been here.
He's so volitile because he's drinking - or rather it's worse or more expressed when he's drinking/ less inhibited. My lawyer had proposed that the visits not happen if he'd been drinking - however that never made it to the final order.
We are in rural nowhere and there really isn't any therapist office or center they could go to for a visitation. AH's own brother even doesn't want AH to have his supervised visits at his house. The only ones listed to supervise are me or AH's mom (who's not all there in some respects).
I could see AH calling the sheriff on me again. I think the sheriff's dept sees him for what he is - so I don't know that he'll get much sympathy from them - and it would be another way to document what he did too.
Yes, standingstrong, the kids have been in counseling since September. They actually have been doing better I think - more I think because we haven't had as much dealing with AH since he's not been here.
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I realize that you may be in rural nowhere - but I was led to believe that in cases of this nature, there are options through the courts, which I believe your lawyer could find out for you what is available where you are.
I believe that there are court appt. people that can go and supervise a visit - sometimes in public places and sometimes they have the visiting parent come to the court or some other designated place.
I'd be sure to ask your lawyer about this. If nothing else, perhaps she or the courts when you get there can find an alternative plan.
I truly wish you the best. This sounds like a very traumatic situation for your kids.
I believe that there are court appt. people that can go and supervise a visit - sometimes in public places and sometimes they have the visiting parent come to the court or some other designated place.
I'd be sure to ask your lawyer about this. If nothing else, perhaps she or the courts when you get there can find an alternative plan.
I truly wish you the best. This sounds like a very traumatic situation for your kids.
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You are in a rural area, but our court system is designed to protect people and guarantee their Consitutional rights. Your children have the right to visit their father; however, if he is behaving in a violent manner the court system can modify this arrangement.
These are children. They are being traumatized by a drunk, even if that drunk is their father. Your oldest child is building up a hard outer shell of "tough kid" to protect herself from further emotional harm by this man.
Please call your attorney and if need be, have him come to a supervised visitation area to see his children. Judges are particularly concerned about the welfare of children. It sounds as if your kids have been subjected to enough stress. Take care of business and do what you need to do for them to be shielded LEGALLY from further episodes.
These are children. They are being traumatized by a drunk, even if that drunk is their father. Your oldest child is building up a hard outer shell of "tough kid" to protect herself from further emotional harm by this man.
Please call your attorney and if need be, have him come to a supervised visitation area to see his children. Judges are particularly concerned about the welfare of children. It sounds as if your kids have been subjected to enough stress. Take care of business and do what you need to do for them to be shielded LEGALLY from further episodes.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
Ok - I did stop & talk to my lawyer and she's told me to go enjoy my day. Don't worry about not doing visitation - if he raises a stink - I have things documented what has been going on - what happened last night etc.
I cut the last tie to him with his cell phone. He was on my bill as a buddy so his phone was only $25/ month which he was supposed to pay me. Last month his bill was $109 cause he used too many minutes - his mom paid the bill for him. Today - i stopped at the cell phone store and told them to take him off - I added my teenage daughter instead (she has been begging for a cell phone for some time).
It doesn't take effect until the billing period ends - I'm not going to tell him too soon though or he'll just talk all the time and jack up this last bill. I did tell his brother though. I had to buy out his contract - but in the long run - it would probably equal out to 2 months of him not paying anyway - and keeping him on is not worth the risk.
I cut the last tie to him with his cell phone. He was on my bill as a buddy so his phone was only $25/ month which he was supposed to pay me. Last month his bill was $109 cause he used too many minutes - his mom paid the bill for him. Today - i stopped at the cell phone store and told them to take him off - I added my teenage daughter instead (she has been begging for a cell phone for some time).
It doesn't take effect until the billing period ends - I'm not going to tell him too soon though or he'll just talk all the time and jack up this last bill. I did tell his brother though. I had to buy out his contract - but in the long run - it would probably equal out to 2 months of him not paying anyway - and keeping him on is not worth the risk.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
never mind the cell phone etc---your kids are being completely traumatized here---you tell the lawyer you don't want him having any visitation at all unless it is supervised by someone other than yourself...you cannot accept this behavior for your kids sake!Why would you ever go over to his house and set you and the kids up for something like this?
You are a good person and a strong one--move on and stop worrying about him.Any place you work would understand that you and your husband are in the middle of a separation/divorce--you don't need him for anything...My God a retirement plan?Please tell me you were not putting his signature on that!
You are a good person and a strong one--move on and stop worrying about him.Any place you work would understand that you and your husband are in the middle of a separation/divorce--you don't need him for anything...My God a retirement plan?Please tell me you were not putting his signature on that!
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