All Worked Up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
All Worked Up
For the last several days, my husband keeps blowing up at me in these ways that seem really unfair. Last night, for instance, he exploded because he had turned the air conditioning thermostat down to 61 degrees and left it there all day long. It isn't so warm outside, so I asked him please not to do it again, and he EXPLODED. We had a guest at the house, and he stomped around and yelled about how I control everything and how it isn't fair and how he's a man and he should get to set the temperature to whatever he wants after he's been at work all day.
His tirade would have been unreasonable under any circumstances, however, he's only been back to work for 2 days, and I'm still paying all the bills. I've recently recognized a problem I've been having of saying things about how he owes me money in front of his friends, which bothers him, and I've been trying really hard to restrain myself. So while he was having this tirade and acting as if I were the most unfair shrew of a wife in the world, I couldn't even respond to defend myself.
We've talked in Naranon meetings about how this tendency to get all worked up and view himself as the victim in any situation or conflict is a characteristic of an addict, and I thought of it while he was rampaging. I know that the appropriate response (at least the response I've been encouraged to use in my meetings) is to disengage from him when he starts getting worked up--just nod, say "uhmmm hmmm," "yes," and "ok."
It's just HARD, especially when he wants to say that I'm not treating him fairly because I feel like I've been way way way fair. I've continued loving him, supporting him, providing a home for him to live in and food to eat, even though he lied and stole from me and put my health at risk so that he could use heroin. I'm having a real rough time forgiving, letting go, and moving on.
Any advice you guys have about how to disengage from an addict who is making a scene and/or how to forgive and move on would be really helpful.
Thank you guys for being always so helpful and responsive!
His tirade would have been unreasonable under any circumstances, however, he's only been back to work for 2 days, and I'm still paying all the bills. I've recently recognized a problem I've been having of saying things about how he owes me money in front of his friends, which bothers him, and I've been trying really hard to restrain myself. So while he was having this tirade and acting as if I were the most unfair shrew of a wife in the world, I couldn't even respond to defend myself.
We've talked in Naranon meetings about how this tendency to get all worked up and view himself as the victim in any situation or conflict is a characteristic of an addict, and I thought of it while he was rampaging. I know that the appropriate response (at least the response I've been encouraged to use in my meetings) is to disengage from him when he starts getting worked up--just nod, say "uhmmm hmmm," "yes," and "ok."
It's just HARD, especially when he wants to say that I'm not treating him fairly because I feel like I've been way way way fair. I've continued loving him, supporting him, providing a home for him to live in and food to eat, even though he lied and stole from me and put my health at risk so that he could use heroin. I'm having a real rough time forgiving, letting go, and moving on.
Any advice you guys have about how to disengage from an addict who is making a scene and/or how to forgive and move on would be really helpful.
Thank you guys for being always so helpful and responsive!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are having to deal with this but like they said, it what addicts do, i should have been able to remember that myself the other night but i didn't and maybe i didn't want to remember, maybe i feel like going off too, whatever.
i think that you have a right to try to help your financial situation by not allowing the ac to be on before time. i had to ask my rah the same thing about the ac and today, he pays the bill but he's not the only person who lives here. what happens if he decides to binge, then i'll be stuck with his ac bill, not gonna happen. he has a right to be angry, its a god given emotion but its up to you to allow his anger to effect you in a negative way.
i think that you are being too fair maybe for his own good. you are doing just fine. i try not to confront my rah in front of company but i don't have a problem doing it after company's gone or calling him to the side and whispering what i want him to know. still praying for ya.
i think that you have a right to try to help your financial situation by not allowing the ac to be on before time. i had to ask my rah the same thing about the ac and today, he pays the bill but he's not the only person who lives here. what happens if he decides to binge, then i'll be stuck with his ac bill, not gonna happen. he has a right to be angry, its a god given emotion but its up to you to allow his anger to effect you in a negative way.
i think that you are being too fair maybe for his own good. you are doing just fine. i try not to confront my rah in front of company but i don't have a problem doing it after company's gone or calling him to the side and whispering what i want him to know. still praying for ya.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
Wife,
Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. I guess everyone at some point or another has to. My exagf could be quite explosive at times, so much that I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, but at one point she and I were attending couples counseling, and there was one very very simple thing that the counselor said that I will never forget: envision the outcome of an engagement before engaging and decide whether that outcome is the result you're looking for. Oh man, so very very hard to practice, especially when our so's hit a nerve and prey upon one of our insecurities or vulnerabilities. But I started practicing it, and it didn't change at all what or how she reacted or exploded over, but it allowed me to control Me, and by doing so, I felt a lot better about Me, by not getting angry myself and then saying or doing something I wish I hadn't. And I also never felt like I was walking on egshells anymore either. I didn't push aside her bad behavior or forget about it, but I waited until the time was right and conducive to achieving the outcome that I really wanted: telling her how I felt and having her listen. Didn't mean much would change for long, but the outcome was better because I realized that even though I might have the right to get angry over her behavior and how she was treating me at that particular moment, it didn't mean that I had to an upon it right then and there. I told myself I reserve the right to bring the matter up at a better time. If my exagf's behavior was so extreme that being in the same place at that moment would lead to a less than desirable outcome, I got in my car and took a ride, maybe to the park for a walk, or since my work never ends as a computer engineer, there was always work(Employers love that!!!
Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. I guess everyone at some point or another has to. My exagf could be quite explosive at times, so much that I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, but at one point she and I were attending couples counseling, and there was one very very simple thing that the counselor said that I will never forget: envision the outcome of an engagement before engaging and decide whether that outcome is the result you're looking for. Oh man, so very very hard to practice, especially when our so's hit a nerve and prey upon one of our insecurities or vulnerabilities. But I started practicing it, and it didn't change at all what or how she reacted or exploded over, but it allowed me to control Me, and by doing so, I felt a lot better about Me, by not getting angry myself and then saying or doing something I wish I hadn't. And I also never felt like I was walking on egshells anymore either. I didn't push aside her bad behavior or forget about it, but I waited until the time was right and conducive to achieving the outcome that I really wanted: telling her how I felt and having her listen. Didn't mean much would change for long, but the outcome was better because I realized that even though I might have the right to get angry over her behavior and how she was treating me at that particular moment, it didn't mean that I had to an upon it right then and there. I told myself I reserve the right to bring the matter up at a better time. If my exagf's behavior was so extreme that being in the same place at that moment would lead to a less than desirable outcome, I got in my car and took a ride, maybe to the park for a walk, or since my work never ends as a computer engineer, there was always work(Employers love that!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Don't remember whether or not he's in recovery (meetings, sponsor). If not, we call it "white knuckle sobriety". He is NOT happy being clean & he wants the world to know it. Also, the 1st year of "real" recovery is not easy. That is the "slippery" time. They are having a real hard time, so it is best to "detach" from the situation. Either way...it's not a bed of roses. And that is the hard part.
Lynne
Lynne
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
He could also be looking for an excuse to leave and use. Addicts do pick fights for that purpose. Also if he is always blaming you, then he does not have to face himself. Don't get sucked in. I know that is hard, but you can't win with an addict. Take care of you. Hugs, Marle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
He's definitely in the "white knuckle" stage--he was going to meetings for a little while, even attending a few with his mother--but he's stopped now. I don't think it's useful for me to berate him into going...if his attitude isn't right, then it isn't likely to be meaningful.
I read a quote the other day from George Carlin that made me think of my husband, "Just because the monkey's off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
We've DEFINITELY still got the circus, lingering.
I read a quote the other day from George Carlin that made me think of my husband, "Just because the monkey's off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
We've DEFINITELY still got the circus, lingering.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Awwww....then he sounds like he's heading for relapse mode & there is nothing you can do about it. Work your own program & let him do what he is going to do. I've every addict went to meetings when a loved one told them to....there woud be no more addicts out there. Not meaning to sound harsh, it's just he's going do whatever he wants to do & we let them. Until we've had enough.
Lynne
Lynne
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Sending (((HUGS))) and prayers things will get better soon. I think since you have been paying the bills, you are just being responsible. This would just be a normal request with a normal person. With an addict, they take it personally. My AH would leave the windows open with either the heat or air still going and get mad when I would complain.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
Yeah, I'm waiting for relapse mode. He's not doing anything consistently to stay clean, and these frequent blow ups feel like he's priming for a reason to go use.
That said, and as bad as things have been, we have these moments of clarity. A few mornings ago, we sat together and talked about his new job and a few other things, and for those moments, I could see that he was really being honest with himself, honest with me--it's like sometimes I get a window through the addict facade to see the man I love on the inside.
Maybe I'll have a hissy fit and get him to a meeting on Sunday. He doesn't like the NA scene, but he'll go sometimes to AA. Maybe I'll find one that has an Al-anon with it and see if we can go together--sometimes if I promise him Taco Bell afterwards, he'll go!
(It's like having a 12 year old!)
That said, and as bad as things have been, we have these moments of clarity. A few mornings ago, we sat together and talked about his new job and a few other things, and for those moments, I could see that he was really being honest with himself, honest with me--it's like sometimes I get a window through the addict facade to see the man I love on the inside.
Maybe I'll have a hissy fit and get him to a meeting on Sunday. He doesn't like the NA scene, but he'll go sometimes to AA. Maybe I'll find one that has an Al-anon with it and see if we can go together--sometimes if I promise him Taco Bell afterwards, he'll go!
(It's like having a 12 year old!)
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Forcing him to go to a meeting is a waste of your time and energy, he will not garner a thing from it. It is up to him, it is his problem, not yours, he created it, and he will have to cure it.
To me, he is one step away from relapse, he is telling you that by his actions. It's right there in front of you...and there is not a d*mn thing you can do to stop it.
Time to focus on you, what are you going to do when it happens? What are your bounderies, and what is your plan to deal with it?
No matter what the circumstances, life requires planning and follow through,
one needs to know where they are going and how they are going to get there.
To me, he is one step away from relapse, he is telling you that by his actions. It's right there in front of you...and there is not a d*mn thing you can do to stop it.
Time to focus on you, what are you going to do when it happens? What are your bounderies, and what is your plan to deal with it?
No matter what the circumstances, life requires planning and follow through,
one needs to know where they are going and how they are going to get there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
I like Dollydo---she is straight forward with all her responses. And I agree....what are you going to do? Do you have a plan of action? Will you stick to it? I know that for the most part we all just take One Day at a Time, but some planning for possible future events is essential on one's emotional, physical, and financial well-being. Please take care of yourself.
Hugs & Prayers!!!
Hugs & Prayers!!!
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