One more mental step forward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
One more mental step forward
I am getting closer and closer to being able to emotionally handle goodbye to my S/O (A) if (i should say WHEN) his addictions impact our life again. I'm mentally gearing for it so that I'm not a mess, so I'm prepared, so I can stand up with the courage of my own convictions. It's hard. But I'm doing it, instead of just "thinking about doing it".
I've done a few "practical" things. Like switching utilities to my name that were in his name. I didn't bother to tell him, would serve no purpose. I did this for me, not for him, so oops.
I've been sort of sneaky in getting some messages across in ways he just couldn't confront in a conflict sort of way. Like tonight I just started talking about Oprah's show today on happiness etc. Was talking about my own happiness (and lack thereof) in my life and my realization it is not any person or combination of persons holding me back from happiness, but it is ME doing it and that today I realized I need to stop holding myself back. I also told him about how on the same show they talked about how you can feel loved by people but if you don't feel appreciated, you feel your role has no signifigance and therefore you are still unhappy. I told him it helped me realize I do alot above and beyond the call of duty for far too many people and it really isn't my sh&$ to take on (read: your drinking bozo!) and that I also decided today that this was the day that I am not going to be taking on other people's sh*& anymore. Of course I said it in terms of my mother, brother, friends, other family members etc. I didn't specifically mention him. But I did say if I'm goign to find happiness then I am going to have to apply this way of living with everyone involved in my life (in other words, him too!).
He got up and walked out quietly to do dishes and fold a load of laundry. Guess what, I didn't do them today (dishes) and his work pants that never made it to laundry room? I didn't go get them and do them. Small steps toward making him take care of his own sh&%.
Since my daughter was at her fathers for the night and not home, I wanted to nap at 4p.m. so I did. I got up at 7:30p.m. I never do that. I didn't make dinner, I didn't walk the dog. I slept. Well funny I got up finally and all lights off and house in darkness except t.v. He hadn't eaten dinner, hadn't done anything. dishes dirty still in sink where I left them etc. I guess he figured I'd be hungry and make something, therefore make dinner for him too. Guess what? I didn't. Just acted suprised he didn't figure out by 6p.m. that i wasn't cooking, therefore make something for himself. So he got up and made his dinner. I relaxed on my laptop here in my comfy chair in my p.j.'s
He is catching on. I've been doing baby steps like this for a bit and he's seeing it. It helps me get through this stage, toward the next stage.
Of course I'd love for him to start because of this taking care of his own sh*$ and maybe it would continue and lead to him taking care of the alcohol issues in a meaningful way eventually. That is my hearts wish. Then there is the reality that he is an addict and hasnt' sought help or support, that he is on a dry drunk and not getting right with himself. So my heart isn't likely to get the result it would like. Thus the utility changes to my name, etc.
I did tell him last week at one point that I finally realized that I want to share the rest of my life with him but I finally realized that I don't HAVE to live the rest of my life with him and that I would be okay. Even 3 months ago he knows as well as I do that I wouldn't have felt I would be okay.
This may all seem insignifigant since in the end I am still with him and living with him. But for me this is huge. I am growing despite his stagnant state, and I will be better in the long run for it. I am taking my own advice and now the advice of so many here on this board (so glad I found you all!) to stop being concerned with him, his actions, his happiness, his future, and start concentrating on my own. I no longer picture the future with him, I am looking at my own goals and if he happens to be part of it okay, but I am not making any goals now that require his presence in my life. Sad part, I did tell him last week also that I HAD stopped dreaming of our future together because I can't be confident we have one.
Suprisingly, he is taking all of this in without comment. I initially wanted a reaction such as telling me how I am appreciated, blah blah blah. Then I realized, I am glad he has no comment because his words don't move me much anymore. Actions will move me. I dont' see any. So his silence on the whole stance I'm taking is the best for both of us.
I am doing things for myself and stopped waiting and hoping he'd be part of it or do it for me.
Wish me luck on this road, once again these are baby steps. But I'm finally at least heading in the right direction and if I end up alone at the end, I still think I'll come out the bigger and better person for it and will still be glad to get to the end of the road!
I've done a few "practical" things. Like switching utilities to my name that were in his name. I didn't bother to tell him, would serve no purpose. I did this for me, not for him, so oops.
I've been sort of sneaky in getting some messages across in ways he just couldn't confront in a conflict sort of way. Like tonight I just started talking about Oprah's show today on happiness etc. Was talking about my own happiness (and lack thereof) in my life and my realization it is not any person or combination of persons holding me back from happiness, but it is ME doing it and that today I realized I need to stop holding myself back. I also told him about how on the same show they talked about how you can feel loved by people but if you don't feel appreciated, you feel your role has no signifigance and therefore you are still unhappy. I told him it helped me realize I do alot above and beyond the call of duty for far too many people and it really isn't my sh&$ to take on (read: your drinking bozo!) and that I also decided today that this was the day that I am not going to be taking on other people's sh*& anymore. Of course I said it in terms of my mother, brother, friends, other family members etc. I didn't specifically mention him. But I did say if I'm goign to find happiness then I am going to have to apply this way of living with everyone involved in my life (in other words, him too!).
He got up and walked out quietly to do dishes and fold a load of laundry. Guess what, I didn't do them today (dishes) and his work pants that never made it to laundry room? I didn't go get them and do them. Small steps toward making him take care of his own sh&%.
Since my daughter was at her fathers for the night and not home, I wanted to nap at 4p.m. so I did. I got up at 7:30p.m. I never do that. I didn't make dinner, I didn't walk the dog. I slept. Well funny I got up finally and all lights off and house in darkness except t.v. He hadn't eaten dinner, hadn't done anything. dishes dirty still in sink where I left them etc. I guess he figured I'd be hungry and make something, therefore make dinner for him too. Guess what? I didn't. Just acted suprised he didn't figure out by 6p.m. that i wasn't cooking, therefore make something for himself. So he got up and made his dinner. I relaxed on my laptop here in my comfy chair in my p.j.'s
He is catching on. I've been doing baby steps like this for a bit and he's seeing it. It helps me get through this stage, toward the next stage.
Of course I'd love for him to start because of this taking care of his own sh*$ and maybe it would continue and lead to him taking care of the alcohol issues in a meaningful way eventually. That is my hearts wish. Then there is the reality that he is an addict and hasnt' sought help or support, that he is on a dry drunk and not getting right with himself. So my heart isn't likely to get the result it would like. Thus the utility changes to my name, etc.
I did tell him last week at one point that I finally realized that I want to share the rest of my life with him but I finally realized that I don't HAVE to live the rest of my life with him and that I would be okay. Even 3 months ago he knows as well as I do that I wouldn't have felt I would be okay.
This may all seem insignifigant since in the end I am still with him and living with him. But for me this is huge. I am growing despite his stagnant state, and I will be better in the long run for it. I am taking my own advice and now the advice of so many here on this board (so glad I found you all!) to stop being concerned with him, his actions, his happiness, his future, and start concentrating on my own. I no longer picture the future with him, I am looking at my own goals and if he happens to be part of it okay, but I am not making any goals now that require his presence in my life. Sad part, I did tell him last week also that I HAD stopped dreaming of our future together because I can't be confident we have one.
Suprisingly, he is taking all of this in without comment. I initially wanted a reaction such as telling me how I am appreciated, blah blah blah. Then I realized, I am glad he has no comment because his words don't move me much anymore. Actions will move me. I dont' see any. So his silence on the whole stance I'm taking is the best for both of us.
I am doing things for myself and stopped waiting and hoping he'd be part of it or do it for me.
Wish me luck on this road, once again these are baby steps. But I'm finally at least heading in the right direction and if I end up alone at the end, I still think I'll come out the bigger and better person for it and will still be glad to get to the end of the road!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Good for you! Your courage inspires me. I too have taken some small steps to regain my independence from my AH (opening my own bank accounts, etc.). Sooner than later I know I'll realize that it's finally time...
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
WOW! You are sooo going to be Oprah material!!
I can't remember who it was on here that said it bears repeating, Baby steps will still get you where you're going!!
Good Luck!! Send a postcard from happy-ville!
I can't remember who it was on here that said it bears repeating, Baby steps will still get you where you're going!!
Good Luck!! Send a postcard from happy-ville!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I really enjoyed reading your post Confusedgf..think you might have to change your name...you don't sound confused at all : )
It's just so wonderful when we finally realize that we alone are the architects of either our misery or our joy. I wish you a pleasant and hopeful continuing journey. It's oh so much easier when we start to feel some authority beneath our own skin.
It's just so wonderful when we finally realize that we alone are the architects of either our misery or our joy. I wish you a pleasant and hopeful continuing journey. It's oh so much easier when we start to feel some authority beneath our own skin.
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