D-Day is approaching......advice needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
D-Day is approaching......advice needed
Friends,
My son, as some of you know, will have completed a six month rehab program on April 26.......great reports, abided by the rules, etc. so we are quite hopeful. On his last visit home he got a sponsor (he had a week-end pass). I have been attending Al-Anon and working hard at it. I have also been seeing a counselor.......so.......my counselor suggested my dh and I go down about a week or so before my son's dismissal from the program and with the director present (in a controlled environment) explain to our son what our boundaries are. That way he can know first hand, face to face , what to expect. In other words everyone will be on the same page, no misunderstandings. Then the director will explain to us along with my son what he is suggesting his aftercare program will entail. Then if there are questions they will be addressed at that time still leaving him with that last week to think things over rather than wait until the day of discharge to hash everything out. Does this sound appropriate?
Also what can I say in regards to boundaries? I know basically what I want but is there anything you could think of? My dh wants to say that he thinks AS should agree to being drug tested whenever he (dh) says but I say that is us interferring with his recovery and not minding our own business.......dh says no, it is just common sense. We are at a crossroads.......neither wants to give in.
I basically want to tell him how proud I am of 180 days clean for him and that I hope it continues and to that end I can no longer (1) cover up for him,2) give him money (3) run interference for him .......but I can offer him my support and love . I can promise not to throw things of the past in his face however he will have to earn my trust all over. I can offer him my prayers. I can offer him memories when times were better and will be again if he continues on the path he is on now. Is there anything else I can say? It seems guilt and shame is such a heavy cross for them. Does it ever go away? Your thoughts would be appreciated........dixie
My son, as some of you know, will have completed a six month rehab program on April 26.......great reports, abided by the rules, etc. so we are quite hopeful. On his last visit home he got a sponsor (he had a week-end pass). I have been attending Al-Anon and working hard at it. I have also been seeing a counselor.......so.......my counselor suggested my dh and I go down about a week or so before my son's dismissal from the program and with the director present (in a controlled environment) explain to our son what our boundaries are. That way he can know first hand, face to face , what to expect. In other words everyone will be on the same page, no misunderstandings. Then the director will explain to us along with my son what he is suggesting his aftercare program will entail. Then if there are questions they will be addressed at that time still leaving him with that last week to think things over rather than wait until the day of discharge to hash everything out. Does this sound appropriate?
Also what can I say in regards to boundaries? I know basically what I want but is there anything you could think of? My dh wants to say that he thinks AS should agree to being drug tested whenever he (dh) says but I say that is us interferring with his recovery and not minding our own business.......dh says no, it is just common sense. We are at a crossroads.......neither wants to give in.
I basically want to tell him how proud I am of 180 days clean for him and that I hope it continues and to that end I can no longer (1) cover up for him,2) give him money (3) run interference for him .......but I can offer him my support and love . I can promise not to throw things of the past in his face however he will have to earn my trust all over. I can offer him my prayers. I can offer him memories when times were better and will be again if he continues on the path he is on now. Is there anything else I can say? It seems guilt and shame is such a heavy cross for them. Does it ever go away? Your thoughts would be appreciated........dixie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Chicago Il
Posts: 2
Dear Mom,
First thing you need to do, is breathe. Take the worry and burden off of your back and know the basics of ALANON- You cannot keep your son sober. Period. This is a family disease, and the best thing to do for him right now is to heal the damage that addiction has done to you. You heal you- You have a better chance of helping your son.
I have been an addict most of my life. I have been in and out of treatment, taken countless medications and seen amny therapists. All the while, my amazing parents had no control over my sobriety. Only I, and God, did. Let go, Let God take care of your son. He is in good hands.
Mindy
First thing you need to do, is breathe. Take the worry and burden off of your back and know the basics of ALANON- You cannot keep your son sober. Period. This is a family disease, and the best thing to do for him right now is to heal the damage that addiction has done to you. You heal you- You have a better chance of helping your son.
I have been an addict most of my life. I have been in and out of treatment, taken countless medications and seen amny therapists. All the while, my amazing parents had no control over my sobriety. Only I, and God, did. Let go, Let God take care of your son. He is in good hands.
Mindy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Wow, drug testing. Is he coming to live in your home again? Then I think the boundaries shoud be set around that. Also, I think you've said everything you could say. Have you discussed the drug testing with your son's counselors??
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Wouldn't his after care have drug testing?
You should ask before you and your dh get upset at each other over something that may already be handled for you.
I can't really come up with any good ideas for boundaries except for, "If he were to use..." and what he is to expect as a consequence to that. Each household is run differently. Set boundaries that all can live with in your house.
And...yes...I could feel this weighing very heavy on your shoulders. Take time to breath and take care of yourself.
You should ask before you and your dh get upset at each other over something that may already be handled for you.
I can't really come up with any good ideas for boundaries except for, "If he were to use..." and what he is to expect as a consequence to that. Each household is run differently. Set boundaries that all can live with in your house.
And...yes...I could feel this weighing very heavy on your shoulders. Take time to breath and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
dixie,
we had to do something similar with my son who is 17 and was in a court ordered intensive outpatient program - i don't know how old your son is but my son knows that we love him unconditionally - once he turns 18 it's all up to him - he will have to live with the choices and consequences of whatever he does - he's going to college this fall and has been drug free for a year now - well he has not had a positive drug screen (weekly) or given us any signs of using in the past year (he has been on probation for over a year but was released from probation the 3rd of april) i will tell you what we put in a contract for our son;
as part of this family it is expected that you will:
treat everyone with respect - no name calling
you will be honest regarding you're whereabouts and plans
you will not make fun of other family members
you will be home at a curfew determined by us
you will do your homework and turn it in when due
you will pick up after yourself and do what is asked of you in regards to household chores
you will remain drug free
if you do not adhere to the above your consequences will be as follows;
your probation officer will be called if you use drugs or abuse your curfew because of drug use
you will lose time with friends
you will lose your xbox 360
etc...
that worked for us - we have four kids, (well now 6 with my nephews) and he has to be a role model, whether he wants to or not - he lost his license due to a dui (that's why he was in the intensive outpatient program) so we sold his car - having a probation officer was sort of a blessing - if our son used drugs or drank he was threatened with jail time - i think he made some serious mistakes regarding drinking but i don't know that he was ever addicted to anything - i was grateful to go through the program though and learn the lessons i was meant to - i can only hope my son has as well - so far so good...
we hope,
s
we had to do something similar with my son who is 17 and was in a court ordered intensive outpatient program - i don't know how old your son is but my son knows that we love him unconditionally - once he turns 18 it's all up to him - he will have to live with the choices and consequences of whatever he does - he's going to college this fall and has been drug free for a year now - well he has not had a positive drug screen (weekly) or given us any signs of using in the past year (he has been on probation for over a year but was released from probation the 3rd of april) i will tell you what we put in a contract for our son;
as part of this family it is expected that you will:
treat everyone with respect - no name calling
you will be honest regarding you're whereabouts and plans
you will not make fun of other family members
you will be home at a curfew determined by us
you will do your homework and turn it in when due
you will pick up after yourself and do what is asked of you in regards to household chores
you will remain drug free
if you do not adhere to the above your consequences will be as follows;
your probation officer will be called if you use drugs or abuse your curfew because of drug use
you will lose time with friends
you will lose your xbox 360
etc...
that worked for us - we have four kids, (well now 6 with my nephews) and he has to be a role model, whether he wants to or not - he lost his license due to a dui (that's why he was in the intensive outpatient program) so we sold his car - having a probation officer was sort of a blessing - if our son used drugs or drank he was threatened with jail time - i think he made some serious mistakes regarding drinking but i don't know that he was ever addicted to anything - i was grateful to go through the program though and learn the lessons i was meant to - i can only hope my son has as well - so far so good...
we hope,
s
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
the favility my son went to is Christian based, 12 step program. Therefore they more or less have a prayer with you the morning you leave , tell you that you have the tools with you for success and wish you well. Therefore any family counseling, is all yp to us to put in play. Guess that's why I feel stressed..........my thanks for listening..........dixie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
Good luck to you. I don't know what I think about drug testing--I think it's up to you to determine what the boundaries are, and you can decide if drug testing is an appropriate one for allowing your son to live in your home.
Another thing I've found really helpful with the Nar-Anon program is the idea that you can BE something for someone instead of having to DO things for them. It sounds like you've set up a great set of boundaries, and it seems like you've been really thoughtful in developing them and that they're fair. In considering what the right thing to say, though, maybe you are still trying to DO things instead of BE things...by providing your son with a loving home and a supportive environment (and supportive INCLUDES having those boundaries you've set!), you are BEING a supportive, wonderful mother. So maybe the actual words aren't so important?
Another thing I've found really helpful with the Nar-Anon program is the idea that you can BE something for someone instead of having to DO things for them. It sounds like you've set up a great set of boundaries, and it seems like you've been really thoughtful in developing them and that they're fair. In considering what the right thing to say, though, maybe you are still trying to DO things instead of BE things...by providing your son with a loving home and a supportive environment (and supportive INCLUDES having those boundaries you've set!), you are BEING a supportive, wonderful mother. So maybe the actual words aren't so important?
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