My Secret ID

I've moved on with my life, my abusive drug addicted parent isn't allowed to visit but can still call, my meth/coke etc addicted ex (ex number 2, ex #1 ended up being a closet crack addict..story for another day) left because I made it really hard for him to get high or be high in the house (I have kids and hell if he was going to effect them with his...insert swear here). I went to such great lengths to prevent his use that the stories of my behavior have actually become folklore in some addict circles and have crossed the nation..seriously. I once herd the story (a bit warped by then) while sitting on the beach with a stranger 2000 miles away and 3 years later.

Everything should be beautiful, well really it almost is.
I can't get into a decent relationship, I think because growing up with an addict they feel kind of familiar and normal to me and my senses of who's sober and who isn't are just really out of wack, so I've decided that at least for this decade I'm going to give up trying to find someone special. I still have friends though, I haven't gone THAT far over the edge into seclusion.

I really don't have it in me to see a husband through addiction or recovery. I just can't handle that level of instability in my life. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, but it does make me want to get the discount divorce rate.

Oh, yes, the thing that drove me to this site...ex #2. He's been gone for years...a beautiful thing it is, his being gone.
He used to hide his rig (do they even still call it that) in places he thought I'd never look, bring the shadiest junkies over to the house, go through high and crash mood swings (oh god, its like flashbacks of mom...didn't I deal with that enough in childhood) spend all the bill money etc the entire time denying any use and claiming he "only smoked pot"...yeah, like I'm that ********. I think that's what really irked me, and obviously it still does...the lying. But it would appear that he thinks I believed the lies just because he said them ...and that my nearly pricking myself on his hidden paraphanalia wouldn't counteract that in any way, right? erg.

Recently he's been contacting me and claiming that he's stopped smoking marijuana (remember, that's the only drug he'll ADMIT to ..oh yeah and he makes this claim while high as hell on something)...probably because every time he has made contact I've offered to be there to speak to if he ever goes through recovery, so he probably thinks claiming he is will reinitiate contact...so I had to explain to him YET AGAIN, well this time I wasn't asking if he was using, I was telling him... that a) his problem goes far beyond pot, and b)I know how far it extends. .. and then I offered again to be there to talk to if he needed to if he ever chose to actually go into recovery.

Honestly the only reason I've been offering that is because I thought it would scare him off and give me several years of peace, which it has in the past, because he is really attached to his drug use. The mans been through a good dozen wake up calls in the last decade and yet he still uses ..he's lost relationships, children, jobs,family, had friends die, lost his freedom for a while, etc...shall I go on...
In my opinion I don't think he'll ever change. It may not be a nice opinion, hopefuly its wrong, but it's got alot of fact backing it up.


But why is he going out of his way after all these years to come to me and lie to me about his drug abuse again? What is he really after and how much is it going to cost me? How in hell am I supposed to deal with that? I obviously don't want the idiot in my life, I have kids that don't need to be exposed to that, kids that deserve to lead a relatively pain free existance *sigh*. Maybe I should just change my phone number (again)....
I really don't want this idiot back in my life again. Ever since he made contact I've been having insomnia.

Arg.

Well, anyway, Hello everyone :-)

cmc

Welcome to SR! Take a look around and while you wait for replies you can read other threads and get acquainted with other members. Please don't forget to take a look at the stickys at the top of the page, they contain lots of good information. I'm glad you found us!

scooby

Welcome ID,

This is the place for direction. Everyone has been so friendly and open. They may have more questions than answers but it sure is nice not to be alone.

I couldn't have gone in such a positive direction without their support. I hope for the best for you and offer my support and prayers.

Blackrose2756

I read in a book where an addict ALWAYS comes back. It might be years, but they come back. And that is what you are experiencing. For some reason, you seem to be the only one that he thinks cares. Did you clarify what you meant by recovery? I told my ex that if he ever gets clean & sober & is working a program, I'll be there for him. It appears he thinks you are the only one left. You made the offer & he's taking you up on it. I would clarify what you meant by "recovery". What is he doing about "recovery"? If you want "no contact"...don't answer? Or tell him not to call until he is "in" recovery...treatment, meetings, you know.

I know my ex did get clean & sober for 6 years straight & worked a program & that is when he walked back into my life. If he called & told me he'd been working a program....went to rehab...was in therapy, I'd talk to him. Because I still love the man he is inside the addict.

Lynne

My Secret ID

Thank you everyone for the welcomes

Blackrose...
I defined recovery to him as going into rehab because he wanted to and quitting, and I said I'd be there to talk to if he needed to because I do know how hard it is to quit when everyone you know is high or working on getting there (although hopefully rehab can give more support than that?...I know so little of it, I quit on my own after a wakeup call long before I met him).

As for keeping contact I don't go back on a promise so I would, whats irking me more than anything is he appears to be faking it for the attention.

Brownie

Hi Secret ID - Just want to welcome you! Just talking today how we choose relationships based on how we have been treated in the past and whether good or bad we get to feel comfortable and keep choosing similar types - scary isn't. Keep posting and reading you will find support here.

greeteachday

Welcome, I know you will find lots of good information here. I'm sorry for all the pain you have gone through but it sounds as if you have been taking healthy steps to take care of yourself and your kids.

You recognize some of the reasons that you may be attracted to addicts (or addicts are attracted to you, whichever) and I think that is a big step in recovery. Have you read Melodie Beatty's Codependent No More yet? I found that really helpful in learning about me and my actions and behaviors. I also get wonderful face to face support at Naranon.

As to letting the ex back in your life, I understand that you do not want to break a promise, but your gut is telling you that his side of the deal isn't there...perhaps an honest response that yes, i said I would be there to talk to when you have quit, but I need evidence of your sincerity (e.g. completing a rehab program, living in a halfway house, having a sponsor and going to meetings) in order to have anyt trust and I have children I must protect so, no, not now, prove that you are actively working recovery first.

Hugs...keep reading here...it is great.

teke

i just wont to welcome you, the addict in my life is my hubby, you are in a good place, these people have literally saved me from insanity and are teaching me what it is to put me and my needs before others. glad you found us and hope to get to know you better.

mooselips

Hi Secret,
Just want to welcome you.
I'm the mom of 2 adult addict sons,
both, who at this moment are sober.


I'm glad you found us.

Maybe, by telling him you'll be there for him,
if he goes into recovery, he thinks it's a door
that's still open to get back into your life?



Hugs,

Blackrose2756

Then, call him on it. And if you feel he is using, hang up. And tell him when he can show you that he is serious, you'll be there for him. Yep, does sound like he's not serious & just needs someone to talk to. I always knew when my ex called & had been using. So, you just plainly state that you will not talk to him when he's using. Hang up. I know. This is not what you need right now. Just when you think the addicts are out or your life....here's one back.

Lynne

hope213

just to welcome you to S.R...glad you are here.pull up a chair & stay awhile.lots of hugs & info & caring people here. keep coming.hugs,

thejunkyswife

It's hard. There's something flattering, at least for me, when they come back.

notsleepingwell

Just wanted to add my welcome to SR!!!! Sounds like you've got your recovery in place with good boundaries!! So again....Welcome

StarGazer6

It's almost easier to keep from getting hurt to believe that they will NOT EVER change, maybe they will for a little while but that can quickly change. I know for me and my ex who's been in rehab and classes for a month or so, I want to believe that I'm lucky for getting out now even though he's starting to change b/c it probably won't last long and in the end I'll be happy that we aren't together but I know it's not that simple, or we wouldn't be on here, obviously it's plaguing us to always be wondering how they are doing and wondering if a leopard really can change it's spots. It makes the hurt today seem more worthwhile tomorrow if we know we're right and we can say "See? I knew you wouldn't change!" I'm battling that right now cause part of me wants to be back together.

I understand about the sleep issue. When I found out my ex was smoking crack about a month ago (2 months after we broke up) I couldn't sleep either. Now that he's doing better, I'm losing sleep again. Now I'm worried that I'm missing out b/c he's going back to being the person I used to know.

Anyway, I don't have kids but I do know that it changes the whole picture and if you think your kids are in danger, then don't allow him to come near your house or see him. It sounds like you've been so far removed from that life you had with him and you have so much to lose if he does end up being exactly how you remember him.

It's crazy how people can hide their addictions if they really want to, huh? I feel for you and the trouble that has come into your life but don't give up hope for finding someone who doesn't have a drug addiction, they're out there, I mean, look at you, you don't have drug addiction and you're a wonderful, responsible, and caring mother and person. They just don't fall on your lap, I wish they did..it would make it a lot easier for me to get over my ex and not cry everyday. But hearing you say that not having your ex in your life has given you peace gives me hope that even though there is no drama life can still be exciting. From what you have said, he most likely WILL bring drama with him, just be VERY careful. It sounds like from everything he's lost, he's probably realizing how much he lost but who knows if he wants to really change his behavior in order to make it better, he may realize what he did but may still not want to change. I wish I had more words of wisdom for you but you are in my thoughts and I understand some of what you are going through.

My Secret ID

StarGazer... you are so right, and yes, it really does get better. It was hard on me for a while when I first seperated from my x, but now there's more security, more comfort, more confidence, and less harmful chaos...but still plenty garden variety chaos to keep things interesting. Life is really what you make it when there's no one walking behind you taking apart piece by piece something you worked so hard to create just so they can sell the pieces for..... (oh, look, another fill in the blank :-) )
Hang in there.

Black rose...you're right of course, except for the fact I won't be calling him to call him on it, lol (although there have been times I've wanted to give him a piece of my mind soooooooo much). I've been firm from the beginning, when he contacts me I tell him I'll speak to him when and if he's taking steps to quit, and thats the end of the conversation. I will not initiate contact with him period. I had enough sleepless nights and non-constructive conversations while we were together to know that's a circular path going nowhere. But ohhh the nails I've chewed while considering it....

SaTiT

There process of hit bottom is also a process of eliminations.
Doors close, bridges burnt, less options, desperatons.
As a recovery addict I had to loose everything. As bad as it was
I had to get to that piont. Anyone or anything that gets in the
way of me hitting bottom is what some would call codendency.
It only prolongs the insanity and cuz more wrackage.

i tried to save my GF...but all that did was prolong the process of her hitting bottom
and all it got me was...i felt like a loone, luckily, no children were involved.

Running on empty....
An active addict running on an empty love tank will suck the life out of you.
Even a person not using running on a dry love tank will do the same.
Any codi that's hit bottom felt empty inside.

Recovery is more than just not using. It's also learning to fill that
empty love tank. It is done on a daily basis.
Loving ourselves

example;
If a person runs out of gas outside of town .And you happened to drive
by. You barely have enough gas to get back into town yourself.
Would you give half of your gas away or any of it.
if you did...you won't make it back to town
And the gas you gave the other person is not enough to get him/herself
to get back to town either.
Wouldn't it make more sense for you to drive back to town and
call a tow truck (outside help)

it's harder for us to see it like that, becuase we are emotionally attach
or we feel guilty.

Why did I get myself into this type of relationships over and over again ?
The way i was raised. My father was an alki..and I felt comfortable living like that.
Living in that chaos, i though it was normal. i thought all families were like that.
i had a high tolerance for chaos.

I'm recoverying from those types of habits and mind set.
Re parenting myself. i need to do this so i don't fall back into the same traps again