lillian

Have any of you had any experience with cognative therapy? i am feeling the lowest i ever have- i realized just now that it's about the 2 year anniversary of when my husband left me, so maybe my body remembers the anniversary of it- head aches, feel like crying and throwing up- it's been two years! sorta-- well, we got back together sort of, and it's been since Jan. since that as over. i still can't get it into my head that he really wants a divorce. i hate myself for being upset about it still and not getting over it and moving into action. i just don't feel like doing anything, and i know doing things is the key... right now i'm stuck at work because someone blocked me in, so i can't do so much-- anyway, i didn't think i could be worse- every time i think i make progress, i feel like i make ten steps back-- my phone machine is empty, i don't feel like talking to anyone anyway, and at the same time i am so lonely- i feel like the resources i have, my house, my education, my car- all are wasted on me. i didn't think i'd fall apart just because a man left me/no one wants me. i am sorry about the whining! but if i get it out here, maybe i can get it out of my head. anyway, anyone ever tried cognative therapy?

Zoey

Any therapy is worth a try, but I have not tried this one. I do feel we go through grief, are there divorced support groups in your area and do you attend Al-Anon ?? To have Al-Anon work one needs a sponsor.

In my opinion to just talk about it outloud helps the most. Second best is coming here, to type it out where it is safe and people care and understand and you are always welcome.

Grief takes time, and we each move forward at our own pace. Tears help me the most.

Hugs

concolor1

And it appears to me you may be dealing with depression (often the issues that give rise to codependency involve depression as well).

The literature suggests it can be as effective as anti-depressants . . .

You'll want to shop around for a therapist who's a good fit (and will probably "challenge" you to move you off the pot a bit); if they come with an attitude that says, "There, there, you poor dear," you'll probably want to look elsewhere.

Rational Emotive Therapy is a popular form of cognitive therapy for depression, and there are some behavioral enhancements that can also be useful.

For me, I had to identify toxic individuals (and systems) and learn to either avoid them or keep the boundaries up so I wasn't dragged down by them.

It's still a challenge, but so far despite some hellish times, I've avoided the anti-depressants (and the toxic sorts).

Nuudawn

Your grief is entirely understandable...especially since there was a recent attempt at reconcilation..any healing that may have been done with time would have been ripped wide open again. Although the seeds of my alcoholism were already long planted, my resistance to grieving a wrenching heartbreak 7 or 8 years ago catapulted my affliction full on. My remedy was booze...bad remedy. I did not release my pain...just suppressed and held onto it for another day..and then I'd drink again..ad nauseum.

I will never grieve alone again. I learned the importance of support through AA. Please find your self some sort of support group or counselling. Please help yourself with the strength and support of others.

WhatAboutME

(((lillian))) Sorry you are feeling so bad right now. As I face the very, very real decision that the time has come to divorce my AH, I am very scared of that lonely feeling, etc. We just moved to this city less than a year ago and I don't really know anyone yet.

But the rational part of me says the lonliness can't possibly be any worse than the emotional/mental abuse I have endured for the past 7 years living with this man. I bet this is true of your situation as well. And really, isn't it pretty lonely living with an active alcoholic anyway?

I hold onto hope that after we allow ourselves the necessary time to grieve our "loss" - the loss of our "dream" really because a realtionship with an active alcoholic sucks - then we can open ourselves to new healthy friendships and relationships. I just finished reading the book Codependent No More and there is a passage about codependents grieving the loss of our dream marriage, realtionship, etc. She states that nothing dies slower than the dream. Through all of the insanity of my husband's alcoholism, I still find myself clinging to what I thought our marriage "should" have been (the whole white picket fence dream). Sadly that is only a dream and nothing even close to my reality.

I don't know anything about cognative therapy, but why not give it a try. Do whatever it takes for you! You deserve to be happy. And don't be so hard on yourself about feeling blue, it takes time to heal such deep wounds. Many of us are right there with you going through the same pain. I know I am.

chero

Hey Lillian, I haven't tried cognative therapy but I have two friends that did and they both say the same thing. It was so hard but absolutely worth it in the end. But the going through it was very hard for both of them. But they recommend it.

Praying for you!

loveRoy

WhatAboutMe, I am sitting at my computer screaming, "Yes, yes, yes." I could have written your post. You hit the nail on the head.

Over_It

Therapy is the BEST! Not cheap, but not nearly as expensive as missing out on your life!

Feel free to be picky with your therapist - it's best if there's a good chemistry. I like it when mine gives me "homework." Sometimes, depending on the person, they may not "get" you, or they may push you too hard. Sessions can be painful and difficult (if they're productive) but afterwards it's soooo nice. It is so /not/ the same thing as talking with your friends. I have asked my therapist for referrals for friends who've asked me about it. I also called my church and asked who they recommend.

Therapy is kind of like cleaning a closet - you have to haul everything out and see what it looks like, decide what to get rid of and what to keep and then when you put it back in you have a better understanding of what's in there, how to access it and generally have a good feeling about how much cleaner your life is.... It's a LOT of work and you'll find stuff you forgot you had. You'll also get a more clear picture of what you are missing and can then set about attaining.

Do it! Let us know how it goes...