Care

Well, I called the A and told him there was no need to "think about it." Told him it was very clear in his Dear John letter where he says he doesn't love me the way he did when he wanted to marry me, he doesn't feel the same way (of course he doesnt' I've set boundaries and he's 4 mos sober, and seeing things through different eyes, our roles had changed. Funny thing is even though he is sober he talks the same and thinks the same, I'm still supposed to pick up his slack, maybe if he was going to AA like he should he would know finding Christ didn't fix him, he still needs to work on himself. So he basically dumped me and I let him. I'm gone from the sad to the anger stage now. Feeling really used and letdown. The ole "he's sober now, yay, now he'll realize just how great I am and recognize all I've done for him, and we'll get married and live happily ever after" blew up right in my face. Should of known. He just sent me an "yellow friendship rose email," you know the kind that says "I'm your friend and I'm here for you always blah blah blah." What am I supposed to do with that? Do I want to be his friend? Cuz, I'm not feeling it right now. I'm just angry and feeling used and abused. Ok, so I let him. Gosh darn it! Aughhhh! I didn't have to stay everytime he was cruel, I didn't have to pay the bills, his bill he couldn't pay, blah blah blah, but I did, cuz I loved him and then I got some boundaries and broke it off when he got drunk and started throwing things, he got sober, I started to fall in love again, he let me believe he was too (revenge?) I said let's get married! He said see ya! Don't love you that way anymore! But he still went away for the weekend with me (on me of course) 2 weekends before he dumped me! I feel like a big fool. I know it's a good thing. No one wants to be with someone who really doesn't love them the same. Right? No more roller coaster ride, no more picking up the slack, no more of Judge Judy mama in law from hell who only enables him . . . . friends? Do I want to be friends? Does he really? What's he up to? Any ideas? I'm in the middle and I can't see clearly, my emotions are blinding me.

journeygal

((((((((Care))))))))

When any relationship ends, there needs to be space. This guy is still trying to keep a toe hold on you, so one day down the road if he decides he wants to come back, he'll have you for his Plan B.

(Sorry for all the guys here who might take offense to what I just said but I think it's true of a lot of men - A's or not!!!! )

Ignore his silly little games and move on. On the days you feel angry, take a pillow, imagine it's his face and punch it over and over!!! (No, I'm not promoting violence! Uh, do you take kickboxing?????? )

Seriously though, what you're feeling is normal and what he's doing is typical. He may want to be friends, but he really wants to make sure he keeps you around, just in case. Remember to stay in control...if you don't want him contacting you, then tell him to leave you alone.

Now is a good time to take up a new hobby, like pottery or a cooking class. And like I said, kickboxing is a great workout!!!!

Hang in there, you'll be just fine.

Hugs,
JG

margo

(((((Care))))) Sorry you're going through this - I know it hurts to have the one you loved, who supposedly loved you, treat you in such a cavalier way. Sadly, JG is right when she states that he's probably just hedging his bets.

I once heard the following statement: You can tell how much you value a friendship by the way you treat that friend when you don't need anything from them.

That really helps to keep me in check to make sure that I remain a good and faithful friend to those that I care deeply for, and also keeps me mindful of what kind of friend they are to me.

It's too bad that he can't be a better friend to you.

Sending you lots of hugs and support!

EmotionalMeg

Care,
I agree... some space away from him, and all the anger might be just what you need. Remember to take this slow. When the anger builds, and you feel like you want to react, do the opposite... take deep breathes and walk away - DON'T react. Eventually the peace will set in.
We're thinking of you
Take care
Meg

Care

Thank you so much. It's difficult to think objectively and make smart decisions when you are in the thick of it and your heart is hurting and you're feeling angry. I know time will heal. And I know it's all for the best though it doesn't feel like it at times.

Rose56

Care,
I agree with the crowd. I was watching a TV program last night and one character just found out her boyfriend was sleeping with another man. Well she just very bluntly said "F*** you" and refused to see him again. It impressed me how sure she was that she didn't want to have anything to do with this person. I would never have been so clear about what I wanted and would have been afraid to hurt his feelings. Stand strong, forget about being friends. He has not treated you like a friend. Some things are unacceptable. Hang in there.

prettywoman

Your story touched me and maybe telling you my experience will shed some light on your situation. To make a long story short. After I found out my bf was an A I offered to stick with him no matter what if he gets help. He was in denial about everything , still is. So I set boundaries. This is when it all started going down hill. He totally ignored my boundaries, in fact it seemed to get worse. I detached with love and after 2 weeks we spoke again. He wanted to be with me. I am pregnant with twins almost 5 month now. So I saw him of and on, and each time he gave me "hope". Each time I saw him our time spend together was beautiful and full of love. I wanted to hang on to every little thread I could. Than he always said he wanted me to be his best friend........translation......let me do what I want to, abuse you, drink, run after other girls and just be the way you were when you tolerated all of it!.......get it ? In the beginning I did not know what I was dealing with until he showed more signs so immediately I reacted in a very healthy way, I set boundaries and wanted to communicate and solve the problem. I was so busy trying to "fix" his problems I totally lost myself in it. Let me give you another example, I saw him for a weekend and things were wonderful. I thought ok he wants to be open and talk and make things right. When I got back the same day he calls me and tells me that there is another girl that he wants to be with and that he loves her. He met her online, knew her 2 month , never seen her but he loves her! RIGHT! That was when I hit rock buttom and ended it for good! So my point to it all is this the ONLY thing that works is to totally take care of ourselves. To get help in any shape or form so that we can get better. Detach and if you can get away and just be by yourself and discover who you are and what you want in life. AlAnon and CODA are very good and they wil help! For me, the best choice I ever made was to leave and not look back and I have not regreted it for one second. Until you decide to make changes and take active control of your life, nothing will change. I promise you that when you do make changes and you learn to love yourself enough to fully understand that you are a loveable and wonderful person and that you deserve the very best in live, your whole world will be so much better. So be brave and make that step into the unknown and discover who you really are. God is right there with you and he won't let you down! When YOU CHANGE, everything around you will CHANGE! I DARE YOU!

Care

prettywoman. What courage it took for you to do what you've done. I see your point. The more I look at it I see that there can be nothing good for me coming out of being "his best friend." The way he has treated me is not the way a real friend would treat anyone. He is being his usual selfish self and not thinking about me at all. When I feel like I'm missing him and those thoughts of the good times start running through my head, I reread the dear john letter which is very selfish and blaming, and I see it clearly, he doesn't want me because I am not enabling him anymore. He wants someone just like his mom, who will enable him and carry him, coddle him and let him be irresponsible and mean and still love him. I can't, won't do it anymore. Prettywoman, your story brought tears to my eyes and gave me hope. Good for you! You deserve better, your precious babies deserve better. You all deserve someone who is going to love and cherish and treat you with respect and unselfish love. And you will find it. You are on your way. I'm so happy for you. I recognize I need to change, I need to quit being so desperate for love that I let people treat me less than I deserve. I see that. My A is driving me crazy now, with his persistent emails and tel. calls attempting to be my friend. He just sent me an email saying "you're not going to talk with me anymore?" I haven't responded to his attempts to be my "best friend." Thank you again for your post, I'm sure I will read it many times over. I'm taking you up on that dare! You keep your chin up and be proud of yourself. Those precious babies have quite a mom.

prettywoman

Thank you sweetie. I used to get those calls about being so desperate for me to be his best friend. He would call me a thousand times over and over begging me. The stuff I went through was just awful and it helped me to move on. I to thought about the nice times and how much I loved him, and YES!! I still love him with all of my heart that is why it is so hard to stay away especially me being pregnant and now would be the time I need him most. I swear I felt like I was going insane most of the times. He told his whole family that I am a psycho and of course who are they going to believe ? but now I realize that they are just as dysfunctional as he is by enabling him each and every day. They know what is going on but rather live in denial about it. I found out that he is chating with a 19 year old girl. SOMEHOW she got my email and he has her convinced that I am a psycho. I blocked her after she send me some pretty insulting emails.......she actually said to me that I am jelous and that she is much better than I ever be because after all she TOOK my man. This little girl has no clue. I am out of it and I do not interact with her or anyone, she will find out in due time what is really going on. All of it is sick and just discusting. My point, there is a HP and he knows it all!HE is in control! Do you see the horrible drama I have been through ? Yes I have and it was awful. You said something about being so desperate for his love, I felt the same and I found out I was co dependend. Once I knew I got up and did something about it. I joined a CODA group, the best I ever done!!!!!!!! In 5 month I have learned so much and I feel so much better knowing that I will be fine. I don't need a man or anyone in my life to make me happy. I urge you to seek help because this is the only way you will get better and live a happy life! I understand being in love with an A and wanting them to get better and be with them. I been there, done it! He ended up resenting me for it. I promisse you!!!!! that when YOU make the changes for YOU!!!!! EVERYTHING around you will change, maybe just maybe even your A and you can still have a future together. Of course "THEY" want "US" to be our "OLD SELF" but how can we ? we will loosE sel respect and "THEY" will disrespect us as well I asure you. Who wants to be with someone who does not have enough self respect to stand up for what is right? Admit you have a problem, Get help, stick with it and stand your grounds with your set boundaries. Learn how o detach with love! Go find oyur serenity! That is the ONLY way. Yes you will miss him, yes you will hurt, yes you will feel like your heart has been ripped out but aren't you already feeling this way being with him? Why not feel that way without him and working to become a healthy YOU ? I am not telling you what to do , or that you should end the relationship, I can only tell you what worked for me . The choice is yours! and YES you have a choice! This is very difficult..... gosh do I know this feeling. I also found that the more I interacted with him, the worse it got and I could not start to heal even with going to CODA and AlAnon. Every time he calls I get upset I get that "SUNKEN" feeling in my tummy. Sounds familiar? ummm I bet it does. See we all feel the same pain , maybe the circumstances differ but the pain is the same. I will keep you in my prayers! Do you pray ? Do you have HP? If you do, after you pray............be very still.........and listen.............he is already telling you what to do so stop fighting it.

I have a little box, I call it the GOD BOX. Each time I have something very difficult to deal with or need answers, I write it down on a little piece of paper and place it in my GOD BOX, so that God can take care of it, I put Him in control of it . ..........when I find myself sad and upset............I walk over to my GOD BOX and take out the little piece of paper and say..."God you can't handle this because I am still feeling sad and hurt, therefore I am taking this out of the GOD BOX because I am much bigger than you and I can handle it from here.............at that moment I am being reminded that God is already in control and that I am not bigger than Him , so I place it back into my GOD BOX knowing that he is indeed in control and I feel so much better. You are loved and respected already by me and others in your life. We love you! Because you are a wonderful person. I do not need to meet you in person to know this why? because I can feel it in every key stroke that you share with me and everyone. Many women dislike the word BITCH.....I don't ! I embrace it , wanna know why ? because BITCH stands for

B-BABE
I-In
T-Total
C-Control OF
H-Herself

Ann

Care

I think the phases you go through are grief and with grieving comes healing. It is a good time to be gentle with yourself and treat yourself to some fun and renew friendships that have been neglected while dealing with this relationship.

Yes he is being a jerk, but better to see it now than live with it for a lifetime.

You are a wonderful person, worthy of love and respect, and right now there is some lucky man out there looking for you. Take time to heal, and then look ahead with happy anticipation of all the good things to come. Because you deserve them all.

prettywoman

Hello everyone! I know you been waiting eagerly on an update from me so here it is lol:-)
Well my x is still calling and I have not called back. His new little flavor of the month that he met online 2 month ago and that he loves so much yet never seen her in person has been sending me little hate mails......why I have no clue maybe she is intimidated by me after all she is only barely 19. I don''t read them and I just block em all out:-) Isen't it amazing how fast he falls in love ? WOW! Hmmmm wonder why he still calls me.

I know I am being sarcastic and funny telling you guys about this . I really find it funny now. I wrote to him this morning giving him a taste of the real me and letting him know what his internet fling has been up to, and he has not replied , probably to stunned and doesen't know how to handle it all. He lost control over me because I took it back. and that can be very confusing to the dysfunctional him:-)

On the serious note, I am doing fantastic! It is wonderful to feel serenity now and believe me I won't let go of it again.

Everyone is in my prayers each and every night. (((((((((((HUGGS))))))))))))))

Care

Thanks for the update prettywoman sounds like you are doing great and I know its not easy. You should be proud of yourself. I was doing good, was moving on not emailing or talking to or seeing my ex A since he dumped me. Was starting to feel good, and then after not hearing from me for two weeks he began with the "I want to be best friends" "I don't want to go months without talking to you" I stood my ground and told him I needed time and space to heal. He said I understand, and then came back with "I went to the doctor and had that mole on the back of my head checked and it might be cancerous, I'm scared and need someone to talk to." (He moved to TX while we were engaged and his family is all in CA). So even though it sounded suspiciously and conveniently (timing wise) fishy. I said ok and spoke to him over the phone, figured what could it hurt to just talk to him, give him some support. So I did over the phone. Was fine, felt fine. Then he finds out my family is gathering for mothers day and invites himself. He emails me and says is it ok if I come, because if its going to hurt you I won't. This after several days before we had already had the discussion of needing space and time to heal and move on with my life. AND HERE IS WHERE I BACKSLID. I thought about it and said ok, as long as we're clear that our relationship as a couple if over and we treat each other as friends only. Not a good idea. Seeing him only served as a reminder of the rejection and being dumped. My family kept saying why are you so quiet? When I got home I cried, I felt like it was fresh all over again, my heart was hurting again, and (this is good though painful) I had to stop and ask myself why it was so extremely painful because if felt like worse than what it should and I realized that I was reliving the rejection from my mother as a child and the rejection of my 1st love (and husband) when he cheated on me and I'm like geez no wonder this is so freaking hard and affecting me this way, it's more than just my A being a pain in my @#$ and dealing with his jerkness. Anyway, I sent him an email last night telling him it was awkward and painful for me and I can't see him anymore. By the way I noticed there was no bandage on his mole on the back of his head where there should have been had an incision been made to remove some tissue for testing. As I suspected he lied about it, cried and the whole thing. To tug at my heartstrings and keep me on the side as plan B just in case like you all suggested. Crazy huh? But I bet it's not so crazy to some of what your A's have also done. So he responded to my email but I can't access it from here til I get home, God only knows what guilt laden trip words he typed out for me to read. Why can't it be simple. Breakup, move on, new life. End of story.

prettywoman

Oh sweetie my heart goes out to you.........before I say anything please go to the bookstore and buy this book!! it is awesome!! WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES by Sherry Argov. Trust me you love it! It will do wonders for you.
I completely understand you. We seem to have similar things going on with our x A's. He called me last Friday at 2 A.M. I woke up and listened to his messages and they were pitiful. I listen to them because I want to, it helps me recover from all of this drama he puts on. He is going nuts because I don't want to be his friend and why should I? A friend would not behave this way! This little girl he is messing with, he told me "well this is who I love at the moment" MOMENT! is the key word. Than he says he had God in his life now. I told him he should be ashamed to put God in his mouth with everything he is doing. He does not have God in his life, if he did he would stop the lies and manipulating people. I told him to not ever contact me again. He does not know how to handle the new me or I should say old me. YES! I am back! I have full control of my wonderful and happy life now and it feels great. Than he wanted to know if I am seeing anyone.....bla bla bla. Of course I am not seeing anyone , how could I? I told him that my life is not of his concern oh he hated me saying that. I was very firm with him and he was totally confused I could hear it even over the phone. I do not want any part of him in my life. He simply does not know what love is, he is to dysfunctional. Now that I am back and feel like a human being again I just see it all so clear. There is no way that we have to allow anyone to treat us so badly ever. Trust me when I tell you, he knows what he lost in me. There will be a day he will regret it if not already. I am not going to interact with him. It does hurt when I interact with him and it makes me sad because it is a constant reminder of what could have been if he was not drinking and such. The fact is that he is not able to have a healthy relationship with himself, he won't have a healthy relationship with anyone else either. Do whatever you can to keep away and live your life. Every time you interact with him you will start again trying to heal inside because it is like an open wound and talking with them and interacting with them is only pooring fuel into the fire and we end up being hurt and disappointed again. It is all about CONTROL! I have never felt so happy and content in my life as I feel now. I am enjoying life and it feels great. Continue gettinghelp through groups and self help books. Remember that you are a beautiful and desirebale woman and that there are healthy good men out there that will treat you like a lady. Find your own inner happiness, love and respect and you be amazed how your life will change and they kind of healthy people you will attract into your life. THEY ARE X'S FOR A REASON!BE STRONG AND KEEP GOING!!!

Ann

Prettywoman

Give yourself a big hug from all of us. . Sometimes the only way to get through it is to keep going and get through it. You are doing great, and have reached that wonderful place where you can stop, take a deep breath and recognize that it is Fresh Air!!!

I know it wasn't easy, but I am so very happy for you getting your life back.

Care

Prettywoman thank you for your words of encouragement and support. Just listening to you gives me strength and courage and the belief that I can do this! You seem so strong and in control and you sound so happy! That's fantastic. I'm so happy for you, that you have your life back and you are in control moving along and ahead without him. What a great new journey for you. I will find a copy of that book and read it! Hugs.

prettywoman

Thank you! We all have this in us! We do not need to be door matts for anyone. We are smart and beautiful and deserve the very best in life so do our children. We are an example to our precious children and we need to show them that we are healthy and know how to deal with life in a healthy way. Think about it........by not standing up to our abusers we are allowing them to abuse us. ONLY when We say it is enough and take action are we free of them. Join me on the side of self respect, self love and control of our own lives any way we want to live it. A life full of happiness. Much love to all of you!

lyn_blossom78

Just wanted to let you know you can borrow my shovel anytime you need to relieve that anger by doing some "grave digging"!

Take care of yourself,

Lyn