Language of Letting Go - April 10
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - April 10
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Using Others to Stop Our Pain
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!
In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.
Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.
Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.
We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are ours for the opening.
God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Using Others to Stop Our Pain
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!
In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.
Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.
Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.
We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are ours for the opening.
God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!
As a codependent I found that how "I" was depended on how everyone I loved was. If all my people were happy, then I was happy. If any one person struggled, I struggled too. I remember, before recovery, waking up in the morning and checking with my son, who is an addict, and then checking on my mother, who was at the time in a nursing home (and who has since passed on) and then my husband at his business. Only if every one of them was okay, could I be okay and start my day. If one of them was not well or having problems, I began my day trying to "rescue" them from their dilemmas. I lived as a reflection of those I loved.
It was only by going to meetings, learning to work this 12 step program and finding support here at SR, that I learned that I could be happy....no matter how anyone else was spending their day. I learned that their day was "their" lesson to learn, their experience to conquer and that I was not "the person" who could save them all from any misery or sickness in their life.
By focusing on myself, learning who that stranger called "me" was, and learning to live life as the best person I could be, I found that my days became filled with sunshine and my life was once again worth living. I learned that God could do for me what I could not do for myself and through prayer and meditation I found peace.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 51
Ann, thank you for these words of encouragement. I spent most of Sun. and Mon. crying and praying. When a friend of mine from NA told me last night to turn it over to God, we had done all we could do, I felt so much better. Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me to do, but now I must do just that. I will trust God, stand back, and let him do his work.
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