Am i a bad person?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Am i a bad person?
I can't help but to feel guilty when i think about him...
Here is my story. I met this guy around 2 years ago, everything was perfect, he was a gentelman for around 8 months but not long after that he was replaced by a stranger.. thats when problems started..
when we were toghther he told me a lot of things about him from his past which i found strange, it was mostly drink related, it was things that wouldn't paint a good image of him and i am sure they were honest. but because i had no experince with alcoholics back then i didn' t really put much importance on what he said, i thought that is how his personality is. Now everything makes sence.. I became to realise the hard way that he is an alcoholic and he seemed to strugle with that fact when we were toghther. At the moment i think he gave up completely to his bottle.. his drinking is out of control..
I feel guilty coz he tried to reach out to me so many times b4 when he was telling me all of those things and i didn't know what to do or say.. he asked me once straight out with tears in his eyes, he asked: (do u think i have an alcohol problem?) he was crying in so much pain asking me for help, and i didn't know how to help.
I did love this guy and still do but his behaviour drove us so much appart. He leaves then comes back after few months just to make sure i am still around.. Then he goes again. I worry about him, i want to help him but i think i missed the chance. when he comes back he doesn't talk about himself much, all he wants to know is how i am going and probably a bit about his work.
My question is, do i leave him alone, i tried to help after i realised that he got a problem but i got a lot of rejection. I know deep down he is a good man and i know he realises he got a problem, what do i do? i feel guilty not doing anything.
Another question... how far of an alcoholic could he be? he is only 34. I know from what he told me that he has been drinking for more than 10 years. He got caught drink driving, he suffers a lot of phisical problems, once at the gym at 6 in the morning he had his sports drink mixed up with alcohol. He drinks almost everyday and alone. He tried to stop so many times when we were toghter and b4 that, and the list goes on..
Did i do wrong by giving up on him? he became very hard to be around. i hate it when he comes back coz it wakes up all the feelings and i feel selfish if i tell him to leave me alone. I love him and hate that i love him, he has goodness in him but it is burried so deep. AM i being fooled by this guy?
Here is my story. I met this guy around 2 years ago, everything was perfect, he was a gentelman for around 8 months but not long after that he was replaced by a stranger.. thats when problems started..
when we were toghther he told me a lot of things about him from his past which i found strange, it was mostly drink related, it was things that wouldn't paint a good image of him and i am sure they were honest. but because i had no experince with alcoholics back then i didn' t really put much importance on what he said, i thought that is how his personality is. Now everything makes sence.. I became to realise the hard way that he is an alcoholic and he seemed to strugle with that fact when we were toghther. At the moment i think he gave up completely to his bottle.. his drinking is out of control..
I feel guilty coz he tried to reach out to me so many times b4 when he was telling me all of those things and i didn't know what to do or say.. he asked me once straight out with tears in his eyes, he asked: (do u think i have an alcohol problem?) he was crying in so much pain asking me for help, and i didn't know how to help.
I did love this guy and still do but his behaviour drove us so much appart. He leaves then comes back after few months just to make sure i am still around.. Then he goes again. I worry about him, i want to help him but i think i missed the chance. when he comes back he doesn't talk about himself much, all he wants to know is how i am going and probably a bit about his work.
My question is, do i leave him alone, i tried to help after i realised that he got a problem but i got a lot of rejection. I know deep down he is a good man and i know he realises he got a problem, what do i do? i feel guilty not doing anything.
Another question... how far of an alcoholic could he be? he is only 34. I know from what he told me that he has been drinking for more than 10 years. He got caught drink driving, he suffers a lot of phisical problems, once at the gym at 6 in the morning he had his sports drink mixed up with alcohol. He drinks almost everyday and alone. He tried to stop so many times when we were toghter and b4 that, and the list goes on..
Did i do wrong by giving up on him? he became very hard to be around. i hate it when he comes back coz it wakes up all the feelings and i feel selfish if i tell him to leave me alone. I love him and hate that i love him, he has goodness in him but it is burried so deep. AM i being fooled by this guy?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
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Hon...your guilt is understandable..but completely unwarranted. I'm a recovering drunk myself. Ya know how I sobered up...being abandoned in my own rubble. The fight is between the drunk and the bottle. We are the only ones who can save us. Believe me...you cannot love or care it out of him. He has to want it for himself. He is a grown man making his own choices. Believe me...most of us know we drink way too much. Nobody needs to tell us. He knows. It's a good bet he also knows that sobriety is the way to save his relationship with you...but the booze is winning at this point.
You did right by saving yourself...an drinking drunk can't give anyone anything but pain.
You did right by saving yourself...an drinking drunk can't give anyone anything but pain.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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CB, you don't have any reason to feel guilty. As Nuudawn told you - and it's from first-hand experience - the alcoholic has to want it for himself. It's a disease of such self-centeredness (and oftentimes I don't think they consciously mean to be that way) but they need to get past themselves in order to reach out for help.
When he had tears in his eyes and asked YOU if HE had a problem, that kinda sums up the manipulative side of what they are capable of doing. How can you answer for him whether or not he has a problem? He lives inside his own skin. Either he thinks he has a problem or he doesn't. I take a rather jaundiced view of the tears-in-the-eyes "thing." I've dealt with it far too many times with my AH. Tears or actual crying are often used in order to make us feel responsible for them or guilty that we're not enabling them.
If he thinks he has a problem, there are rehab centers and AA that will help him get sober. Fooled by him? Not necessarily. If he's still drinking after the emotional wringer he put you through, it's manipulation.
You have done all you can. For the sake of your own mental health, leave him alone. He'll either pick up with another woman (drunk or sober), or he'll find his way to help. As responsible as they try to make us feel, ultimately they are responsible only for themselves.
When he had tears in his eyes and asked YOU if HE had a problem, that kinda sums up the manipulative side of what they are capable of doing. How can you answer for him whether or not he has a problem? He lives inside his own skin. Either he thinks he has a problem or he doesn't. I take a rather jaundiced view of the tears-in-the-eyes "thing." I've dealt with it far too many times with my AH. Tears or actual crying are often used in order to make us feel responsible for them or guilty that we're not enabling them.
If he thinks he has a problem, there are rehab centers and AA that will help him get sober. Fooled by him? Not necessarily. If he's still drinking after the emotional wringer he put you through, it's manipulation.
You have done all you can. For the sake of your own mental health, leave him alone. He'll either pick up with another woman (drunk or sober), or he'll find his way to help. As responsible as they try to make us feel, ultimately they are responsible only for themselves.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I met this guy at a volleyball club that i've been playing for for more than 9 years. As a result of what happend between us i had to stop the game there completly. I want to get back into it, i miss it so much i miss all my friends i used to play with. he still plays there himself, he only joined there few months b4 we met. I feel its unfair that he still plays there and i had to leave coz of him. i feel he stole my toy away from me. Why should i be the one doing the sacrifies? I love the game i love the club. do i let his problem dictate my life?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
If he realizes he has a problem, then he'll get help eventually, when he's ready. You really can't do anything to "help" him help himself.
You asked how far into alcoholism he could be at the age of only 34? My AH is only 33 and you wouldn't believe how far into alcoholism he is, how far gone he is and how fast it has progressed in the past few months alone. He is probably in, or very close to, the FINAL stages of alcoholism.
Take care of yourself. Be happy. I know you're struggling with this. Keep reading and posting here. It really does help. Sometimes my only moments of sanity seem to be when I'm here.
You asked how far into alcoholism he could be at the age of only 34? My AH is only 33 and you wouldn't believe how far into alcoholism he is, how far gone he is and how fast it has progressed in the past few months alone. He is probably in, or very close to, the FINAL stages of alcoholism.
Take care of yourself. Be happy. I know you're struggling with this. Keep reading and posting here. It really does help. Sometimes my only moments of sanity seem to be when I'm here.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome!!!
you asked,do i let his problem dictate my life?Of course this is up to you.At frist i did,stop going places,and doing things,where i knew another would be.But then i realized that i was allowing another to control me,even though they were no longer phyically in my life.I decided to take control ,and GO,to the places,i wanted to go to,no matter who was there.I did this for myself.It wasnt easy,being bothered by another,but eventually they caught on,that our relationship has changed,no longer close as we once were.Not easy.But i cannot ,make decisions on where others will be,what they will say or do.Im hurting myself with my own decisions,based on others if i do.You are only human,and have done all that you can to be helpful towards him.Let go,and let God.Until or unless the alcoholic has the deep desire within themselves,that they want help,no one can be helpful to them.
you asked,do i let his problem dictate my life?Of course this is up to you.At frist i did,stop going places,and doing things,where i knew another would be.But then i realized that i was allowing another to control me,even though they were no longer phyically in my life.I decided to take control ,and GO,to the places,i wanted to go to,no matter who was there.I did this for myself.It wasnt easy,being bothered by another,but eventually they caught on,that our relationship has changed,no longer close as we once were.Not easy.But i cannot ,make decisions on where others will be,what they will say or do.Im hurting myself with my own decisions,based on others if i do.You are only human,and have done all that you can to be helpful towards him.Let go,and let God.Until or unless the alcoholic has the deep desire within themselves,that they want help,no one can be helpful to them.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn 
Hon...your guilt is understandable..but completely unwarranted. I'm a recovering drunk myself. Ya know how I sobered up...being abandoned in my own rubble. The fight is between the drunk and the bottle. We are the only ones who can save us. Believe me...you cannot love or care it out of him. He has to want it for himself. He is a grown man making his own choices. Believe me...most of us know we drink way too much. Nobody needs to tell us. He knows. It's a good bet he also knows that sobriety is the way to save his relationship with you...but the booze is winning at this point.
You did right by saving yourself...an drinking drunk can't give anyone anything but pain.
You did right by saving yourself...an drinking drunk can't give anyone anything but pain.
Welcome to SR!
Kudos when A's come in and put in advice! I just love it you go Nuudawn! My X A got to his low point about 4 times....just never took the bull by the horns because the booze was taking him. It was exhausting for me anymore to hear "I know I'm an A and I need help" knowing and DOING are two different things as we know! It was mentally draining on me to be on the roller coaster anymore-as Nuudawn said "He has to want it for himself he is a grown man" we cannot make the choices for them only for ourselves. And the choice to take care of ourselves I feel is a much better choice. It is easier said than done but by coming here posting and reading and going to an Al-anon meeting you will get that push to help you start taking care of you.
It is ok to feel what you feel trust you are not alone-we all love the A but they have to love themselves before they can give 100% to us and not the booze-the booze will win everytime until they make the choice to get the help they need. I still love my X but I also see that he is still acting in the manner that it just too much drama for me. He from what I understand started to go to a program at the hospital and then to AA then he reached 6 months sober and felt on top of the world which is great for them but to stick to it and keep going not just to stop and give up and relaspe-anyone will get that high of accomplishment but if they do not keep pluggin forward they fall backwards into that trap!
Your statement "I did love this guy and still do but his behaviour drove us so much appart. He leaves then comes back after few months just to make sure i am still around.. Then he goes again. I worry about him, i want to help him but i think i missed the chance. when he comes back he doesn't talk about himself much, all he wants to know is how i am going and probably a bit about his work."
Hon you need to occupy your time when he is not around-and fill the time up so you do not think of him-come in here and vent and then go have FUN! He needs to help himself- It is a part of life...we want to help but there are times we just cannot-we can try to guide in the right direction but we cannot lead them to help-like we did not lead them to the drink!
The feeling of worry is natural! We feel helpless-when my husband (burned in an explosion) was dying - I felt helpless because I knew the pain he was in-and he was going to die. It is just another way to show you that it is natural to feel helpless but just as my husband there was nothing that I could do-it was out of my hands-but the pain was intense.
Honey turn it over and believe in that saying that the things we cannot control need to be let go! As hard as it maybe. Keep posting here!! It is a great place!
To answer your question: " how far of an alcoholic could he be?"
My x A is 36 he started drinking when he was 13 years old! Yes imagine that! My brother who is an A is 50 and started when he was 14 years of age-bled from his liver, lost his job of 25 years, lost his wife of 26 years, lost another job after starting into AA and therapy and doing well for close to two years-, 3 DUI's and now he resides in jail until September. We only pray this is it for him...and that is all anyone can do with the A's...pray they make the right choices for them and in the meantime take care of YOU! (((HUGS))))
Sorry this was a long post! I was in the mood to babble! Hope that it helped some Carpet Burn!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
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Welcome Welcome Welcome!
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Hon...your guilt is understandable..but completely unwarranted. I'm a recovering drunk myself. Ya know how I sobered up...being abandoned in my own rubble. The fight is between the drunk and the bottle. We are the only ones who can save us. Believe me...you cannot love or care it out of him. He has to want it for himself. He is a grown man making his own choices. Believe me...most of us know we drink way too much. Nobody needs to tell us. He knows. It's a good bet he also knows that sobriety is the way to save his relationship with you...but the booze is winning at this point.
You did right by saving yourself...an drinking drunk can't give anyone anything but pain.
You did right by saving yourself...an drinking drunk can't give anyone anything but pain.
Welcome to SR!
Kudos when A's come in and put in advice! I just love it you go Nuudawn! My X A got to his low point about 4 times....just never took the bull by the horns because the booze was taking him. It was exhausting for me anymore to hear "I know I'm an A and I need help" knowing and DOING are two different things as we know! It was mentally draining on me to be on the roller coaster anymore I had to JUMP OFF! The drama and chaos and the pit in my stomach after 2 1/2 years was enough!-as Nuudawn said "He has to want it for himself he is a grown man" we cannot make the choices for them only for ourselves. And the choice to take care of ourselves I feel is a much better choice. It is easier said than done but by coming here posting and reading and going to an Al-anon meeting you will get that push to help you start taking care of you.
It is ok to feel what you feel trust you are not alone-we all love the A but they have to love themselves before they can give 100% to us and not the booze-the booze will win everytime until they make the choice to get the help they need. I still love my X but I also see that he is still acting in the manner that it just too much drama for me. He from what I understand started to go to a program at the hospital and then to AA then he reached 6 months sober and felt on top of the world which is great for them but to stick to it and keep going not just to stop and give up and relaspe-anyone will get that high of accomplishment but if they do not keep pluggin forward they fall backwards into that trap!
Your statement "I did love this guy and still do but his behaviour drove us so much appart. He leaves then comes back after few months just to make sure i am still around.. Then he goes again. I worry about him, i want to help him but i think i missed the chance. when he comes back he doesn't talk about himself much, all he wants to know is how i am going and probably a bit about his work."
Hon you need to occupy your time when he is not around-and fill the time up so you do not think of him-come in here and vent and then go have FUN! He needs to help himself- It is a part of life...we want to help but there are times we just cannot-we can try to guide in the right direction but we cannot lead them to help-like we did not lead them to the drink!
The feeling of worry is natural! We feel helpless-when my husband (burned in an explosion) was dying - I felt helpless because I knew the pain he was in-and he was going to die. It is just another way to show you that it is natural to feel helpless but just as my husband there was nothing that I could do-it was out of my hands-but the pain was intense.
Honey turn it over and believe in that saying that the things we cannot control need to be let go! As hard as it maybe. Keep posting here!! It is a great place!
To answer your question: " how far of an alcoholic could he be?"
My x A is 36 he started drinking when he was 13 years old! Yes imagine that! My brother who is an A is 50 and started when he was 14 years of age-bled from his liver, lost his job of 25 years, lost his wife of 26 years, lost another job after starting into AA and therapy and doing well for close to two years-, 3 DUI's and now he resides in jail until September. We only pray this is it for him...and that is all anyone can do with the A's...pray they make the right choices for them and in the meantime take care of YOU! (((HUGS))))
Sorry this was a long post! I was in the mood to babble! Hope that it helped some Carpet Burn!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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thanks everyone for the supporting words. accualy i have been watching this forum for a long time and reading lots of posts, it did help me a lot, b4 i came here i was a mess and didn't know what was going on.. i never knew how much the alchol can affect a person, never had contact with one like him b4. i realised i have to let go of him completely and i am on my way of doing so, but it is taking a long time. It is easier said than done specialy when there is still feelings involved, but i hope with time this feeling has to die??? i hope the day will come when i don't think about him anymore.
I want to go back to my club but not untill i am over him completly. I do fill my life with lots of things, but the nights are too long sometimes..I am the kind of person who finds it hard to say no when someoen asks for help.. he took advantage of that so many times and pretended to feel guilty coz he never done anything for me and im always the one helping.. I worry if i shut the gates in his face it will drive him more into drinking which might have bad affect on his kid. He has a kid from his first marraige and i worry about her life with an alcoholic father.. I guess i have to stop thinking about eveyrthing.. i wish god created a block button in our head to block out the thoughts we don't like..
I want to go back to my club but not untill i am over him completly. I do fill my life with lots of things, but the nights are too long sometimes..I am the kind of person who finds it hard to say no when someoen asks for help.. he took advantage of that so many times and pretended to feel guilty coz he never done anything for me and im always the one helping.. I worry if i shut the gates in his face it will drive him more into drinking which might have bad affect on his kid. He has a kid from his first marraige and i worry about her life with an alcoholic father.. I guess i have to stop thinking about eveyrthing.. i wish god created a block button in our head to block out the thoughts we don't like..
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 5
Mine avoids seeing doctors all togther, he suffers a lot of phisical problems, not to mention the mental. he is afraid to face reality i suppose. he has all sorts of joints and muscels problems, he can't handle sex the proper way if u know what i mean, his weight gain is out of control at the moment. he told me the other day that he decided to switch to spirits rather than bear to control his weight problem!!
It just breaks my heart to see him go through this... I want to give him a slap on his face to wake him up.. i am damd if i speak and damd if i shut up
It just breaks my heart to see him go through this... I want to give him a slap on his face to wake him up.. i am damd if i speak and damd if i shut up
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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How awful for you both...he really does need medical attention but I understand what you mean about them not wanting to go.My AS was forced because he was brought to the ER.
He wants to switch from beer to the hard stuff? So e really doensn't want to stop--he just wants to find a better way to tolerate it...well at least he is thinking? My AS got really really bad when he switched over to the hard stuff.So maybe your husband is starting to at least verbalise that he is not well--even if he hasnt decided its the alcohol--not much you can do except decide wether to stay or leave and keep pointing him in the right direction--plus you need to spend more time doing things yourself-to feel good about yourself. Unlike other people I understand why some don't leave the A--I did leave--but I can also see the other side of it.
Don't let that heart of yours be broken anymore--nothing you can do for him until he decides to quit.Keep us updated....
He wants to switch from beer to the hard stuff? So e really doensn't want to stop--he just wants to find a better way to tolerate it...well at least he is thinking? My AS got really really bad when he switched over to the hard stuff.So maybe your husband is starting to at least verbalise that he is not well--even if he hasnt decided its the alcohol--not much you can do except decide wether to stay or leave and keep pointing him in the right direction--plus you need to spend more time doing things yourself-to feel good about yourself. Unlike other people I understand why some don't leave the A--I did leave--but I can also see the other side of it.
Don't let that heart of yours be broken anymore--nothing you can do for him until he decides to quit.Keep us updated....
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