Insight needed from mothers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Huntington, WV
Posts: 13
Insight needed from mothers
I have an AD, 21 and still using and still leading a very unstable life. My husband and I, after years of trying to save her, 5 rehabs, etc, had finally recovered to the point that we had turned over our control and let her make her own choices.
However, she now has an 8 month old baby (whom we are raising) and it is suddenly very hard to not take some control over the situation. I was worried after reading a previous post that perhaps I should have not intervened and taken over his care. I hope from the bottom of my heart I have not just found another way to control the situation. It is just so hard when there is an infant involved to know the right thing to do.
I just could not let him suffer the ups and downs of her lifestyle and she has been increasingly unstable. We often don't hear from her for weeks, she continues to steal from us, her apartment is a party house. Easter she called and wanted to see him and I said that I didn't want to bring him up to her apartment, due to two nights before, drug dealers had smashed her tv and held her down for money and she couldn't come to our house due to stealing, so we had to come up with another plan. So she got angry and hung up. Later she called back. We met at a restaurant.
She showed up with hs name carved into her arm with a knife and she was definitely in active addiction.
Am I wrong/ right to be raising him and not allowing him to go to her apartment? Is it me just trying to control the situation. I just can't bear the thought of something happening to him. (He's precious!!!)
But I know he's not mine. He's hers. But when does one draw the line?
I don't think she would deliberately hurt him. She just isn't at all stable right now. Please any advice would be welcomed.
However, she now has an 8 month old baby (whom we are raising) and it is suddenly very hard to not take some control over the situation. I was worried after reading a previous post that perhaps I should have not intervened and taken over his care. I hope from the bottom of my heart I have not just found another way to control the situation. It is just so hard when there is an infant involved to know the right thing to do.
I just could not let him suffer the ups and downs of her lifestyle and she has been increasingly unstable. We often don't hear from her for weeks, she continues to steal from us, her apartment is a party house. Easter she called and wanted to see him and I said that I didn't want to bring him up to her apartment, due to two nights before, drug dealers had smashed her tv and held her down for money and she couldn't come to our house due to stealing, so we had to come up with another plan. So she got angry and hung up. Later she called back. We met at a restaurant.
She showed up with hs name carved into her arm with a knife and she was definitely in active addiction.
Am I wrong/ right to be raising him and not allowing him to go to her apartment? Is it me just trying to control the situation. I just can't bear the thought of something happening to him. (He's precious!!!)
But I know he's not mine. He's hers. But when does one draw the line?
I don't think she would deliberately hurt him. She just isn't at all stable right now. Please any advice would be welcomed.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
oh my gosh, in my opinion, please keep the child, you are a good grandma and mom, there is no way that i think that you are controlling or doing something wrong. i would think that if you could take care of him and wouldn't that would be a different story. all situations dealing with kids are not the same, even though kids do get effected. i am so happy to hear that you have him, and if it called controlling, then i say go ahead and do some controlling. thank god that you have the child. i have a passion for the children who don't have a choice in the matter. i'm praying for you, your daughter and your grandchild. i think that you are doing a good job. imho
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
I don't believe that looking out for the saftey of your grandson is controlling anything. His saftey should come first. The little guy deserves a good life without being smack in the middle of an active addict. Your daughter might not deliberatly hurt him, but could nod off for God knows how long. Someone at her apartment could get violent. There are so many things that could happen. I am sorry for what you are going through. It stinks. Having a child on drugs is a nightmare. But with time you do learn how to let go with love and have a life of your own. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I did not take a child from my AD, but I did take her dog. A child is a lot more precious than a dog and if you feel that the child is in danger than you are in no way trying to control the situation. You are keeping an innocent child safe. Hugs from one mom to another, Marle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 16
You are doing the right thing, don't doubt yourself. ANYTHING can happen in your daughter's apartment and it's no place for a child.
In my opinion you are taking control not controlling the situation.
God forbid that Child Services get involved if your grandson was living with her. You would have a longer and harder road to travel.
Love and Light to you.
In my opinion you are taking control not controlling the situation.
God forbid that Child Services get involved if your grandson was living with her. You would have a longer and harder road to travel.
Love and Light to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry that your daughter is still in active addiction...I know how heartbreaking that is.
I think Letgo put it beautifully...you are taking control of an unsafe situation for an innocent baby...you are not controlling your daughter. Children are innocent victims of the disease of addiction and I believe every one of them should be sheltered from having to live surrounded by active addiction. You are a good mother and grandmother to do this for both of them. Please don't doubt yourself...you may be saving that baby's life. Thank you for being there for him. Hugs and prayers
I think Letgo put it beautifully...you are taking control of an unsafe situation for an innocent baby...you are not controlling your daughter. Children are innocent victims of the disease of addiction and I believe every one of them should be sheltered from having to live surrounded by active addiction. You are a good mother and grandmother to do this for both of them. Please don't doubt yourself...you may be saving that baby's life. Thank you for being there for him. Hugs and prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Huntington, WV
Posts: 13
Thank you all so much for your support. It has been a hard year and I thank you all so much for understanding. Someone asked how I had the baby. When he was about 6 weeks old, my AD went into a bad postpartum depression and started going back out with old friends and things went bad quickly.
It breaks my heart. I know part of her wanted him so bad, but right now the addict part is controlling her. And she knows too that she is missing all his "firsts", but can't break her addiction or lifestyle right now.
He is a little beauty though. And his smile is worth the work.
I know when I look at him that addiction is a terrible and powerful thing to keep a mother from such a beautiful baby.
It breaks my heart. I know part of her wanted him so bad, but right now the addict part is controlling her. And she knows too that she is missing all his "firsts", but can't break her addiction or lifestyle right now.
He is a little beauty though. And his smile is worth the work.
I know when I look at him that addiction is a terrible and powerful thing to keep a mother from such a beautiful baby.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
river
i can only speak for myself but when i took custody of my sister's two boys - 2 & 4 yr old - it was because of a promise i made to my sister - she stayed here last summer for a couple of weeks trying to get her life together -i told her if she stayed with me i could help her - help by watching the kids, temporary place to stay, etc - i also told her that if she chose to go back (i live in IN she and lil guys' dad in IL) there wasn't much i could do - but... - if she and her bf wanted to use again and kill each other i didn't care - but i WOULD protect the kids - they didn't choose to live that lifestyle - they were just stuck in the chaos - when her phone calls started to get *loopy* i knew she wasn't right and soon after my mom went to her house and took nephews out of that crap - with my sisters blessing, at the time - i promised those lil guys that no matter what i will protect them - that mom and dad are sick and until they are better they will stay safe with me - for myself it has nothing to do with control - it has everything to do with doing the right thing - addiction sucks - on so many levels...
godspeed,
s
i can only speak for myself but when i took custody of my sister's two boys - 2 & 4 yr old - it was because of a promise i made to my sister - she stayed here last summer for a couple of weeks trying to get her life together -i told her if she stayed with me i could help her - help by watching the kids, temporary place to stay, etc - i also told her that if she chose to go back (i live in IN she and lil guys' dad in IL) there wasn't much i could do - but... - if she and her bf wanted to use again and kill each other i didn't care - but i WOULD protect the kids - they didn't choose to live that lifestyle - they were just stuck in the chaos - when her phone calls started to get *loopy* i knew she wasn't right and soon after my mom went to her house and took nephews out of that crap - with my sisters blessing, at the time - i promised those lil guys that no matter what i will protect them - that mom and dad are sick and until they are better they will stay safe with me - for myself it has nothing to do with control - it has everything to do with doing the right thing - addiction sucks - on so many levels...
godspeed,
s
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
As a Mother of a 5 year old, I wouldn't dare have that baby in her custody! If she is not in a program and still using, God only know's what would happen to your Grandchild! Obviously she loves her baby, but consider the situation. How would she feed the baby if she can't pay money to her dealers? How would this baby be raised it her apartment is a "party house"? What kind of a Mother would she be using drugs?
If you and your husband decide to raise the child yourselves, My hat is off to you.. '
I am not sure if you need any legal advice. Maybe you should consider it.
I am sorry to hear your pain and situation.
(((Hugs)))
If you and your husband decide to raise the child yourselves, My hat is off to you.. '
I am not sure if you need any legal advice. Maybe you should consider it.
I am sorry to hear your pain and situation.
(((Hugs)))
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Not a mom but have seen outcomes of such.
Legal guardianship or adoption through the courts is a good option.
You have more rights and better control over what is what and in doing what is best for both the child and the mother.
By rights, she could take him and you would need go to child services to get him back to keep him safe.
You are doing very good by taking care of him as you are.
Good job Mom.
Legal guardianship or adoption through the courts is a good option.
You have more rights and better control over what is what and in doing what is best for both the child and the mother.
By rights, she could take him and you would need go to child services to get him back to keep him safe.
You are doing very good by taking care of him as you are.
Good job Mom.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The children are the innocents in all this and someone must be the voice of the child, someone must keep the child safe from the dangers that come with active addiction, and that child is blessed to have you, River.
There was a time when I had to have Children's Aid step in and take my granddaughter to a safe house to protect this angel from imminent danger where she was living. I did this knowing that they could not let me know where she was and that I may never see her again. I could not have custody because I am my son's foster mother and have no genetic rights. I love my granddaughter enough to risk losing her forever rather than have her hurt. There is no greater love.
God Bless the Child.
Hugs
There was a time when I had to have Children's Aid step in and take my granddaughter to a safe house to protect this angel from imminent danger where she was living. I did this knowing that they could not let me know where she was and that I may never see her again. I could not have custody because I am my son's foster mother and have no genetic rights. I love my granddaughter enough to risk losing her forever rather than have her hurt. There is no greater love.
God Bless the Child.
Hugs
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
RiverC, Your grandchildren are very luck to have you. It sounds like you have been to hell and back.
I had the same problem with my sister, I ended up taking the kids away from her. It was too traumatic, the kids would be forever ringing me. They were scared, frustrated and suffering. Enough was enough. She couldnt be there for them.
Now they are happier, still worry about her but it is weird, they seem more content about it than i did. I think they finally lost the guilt. They were lying for her, protecting her, scared to leave incase mum _fell over or something.
She is still addicted and worse than ever.
Dont feel guilty. You are not controlling anything. You are looking out for your loved ones and that is marvellous.
I would though however, let her see the kids occassionally, that way both parties will at least have that in an controlled environment. Otherwise later in life the kids may resent the fact and not understand.
Good Luck
I had the same problem with my sister, I ended up taking the kids away from her. It was too traumatic, the kids would be forever ringing me. They were scared, frustrated and suffering. Enough was enough. She couldnt be there for them.
Now they are happier, still worry about her but it is weird, they seem more content about it than i did. I think they finally lost the guilt. They were lying for her, protecting her, scared to leave incase mum _fell over or something.
She is still addicted and worse than ever.
Dont feel guilty. You are not controlling anything. You are looking out for your loved ones and that is marvellous.
I would though however, let her see the kids occassionally, that way both parties will at least have that in an controlled environment. Otherwise later in life the kids may resent the fact and not understand.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
RIverRc--Keep hold of that child! You are SO doing the right thing!! God knows what could happen to that baby in a place like that. Even if your AD didn't intentionally hurt the baby, whatever ilk comes to her apt. might. Take the legal step necessary to protect your grandchild.
(((BIG HUGS)))))
(((BIG HUGS)))))
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((RiverC))))))
Don't think for a minute that your doing something "wrong" by raising your grandchild. That baby is very lucky to have you.
It has nothing to do with enabling or controling the situation your daughter is in.
Your doing what is best for the baby, and I commend you for it.
Your a great grandma.
My sister is raising her 5 yo grandson. Her son is in prison and his gf is on the streets. She has a hard job doing what's she's doing, but would never have decided not to do it. The child was taken into foster care and my sister wouldn't allow that to happen to him.
The boy has many "problems" with what he has witnessed and has gone through with active addicted parents. Thank God my sister had the guts and courage to intervene.
He now is in therapy, and is being treated for adhd. He is thriving so much better living with grandma, as opposed to living with addicts.
Your doing the right thing.
God bless you.
Nana's Little Angel
Nana you are special
Your love knows no bounds
A room takes special warmth whenever you’re around
You think I’m cute and talented and maybe even wise
But I know that's why all grandparents see though loving eyes
Every day with you is precious
I’m so grateful for the time
Of all the grandparents in the world I’m thankful that you're mine
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
You are a wonderful woman for intervening in the situation. No child should be exposed to an addicts lifestyle. You truly need to look at some sort of legal guardianship. There isnt a person on this board who would say " leave the child with her mother" Poor little angel she now has her grandma and is out of danger. The conditions some of these children live in is horrendous. I have a friend who works for CAS and some of the stories I have heard are enough to shatter you.
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