Tomorrow is D-Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
Tomorrow is D-Day
I told my husband that if he doesn't go back to work tomorrow, he's going to have to find somewhere else to live. I hope I'm strong enough to stand by my word.
I love him very much, and I can't stand to watch our relationship fall apart like this. Supporting him financially on my writer's shoestring budget is making me deeply resentful. At my last meeting, one woman whose been in the program for a long time encouraged me to think about how I'd feel if he were out on the street. She said that at one point in her husband's recovery, she looked at it as a choice between him being at home but attending meetings, talking to his sponsor, and working on his recovery or him being at work and using.
If my situation were like hers, then I wouldn't mind supporting him so much. He isn't attending meetings regularly, however. He only goes when I make him. I feel right now like I'm living with an addict who isn't using drugs--not an addict in recovery.
I hope I don't have to stand by my word! I hope he just goes to work! I have a feeling in my gut, though, that he's not going to--almost as if he's going to test me to see if I mean it, and if I do mean it, he will then have a great excuse to go use. It's all part of his manipulations to make is recovery my problem and my project, which makes any failure my fault.
Words of advice are welcome, welcome, welcome. You guys are great.
I love him very much, and I can't stand to watch our relationship fall apart like this. Supporting him financially on my writer's shoestring budget is making me deeply resentful. At my last meeting, one woman whose been in the program for a long time encouraged me to think about how I'd feel if he were out on the street. She said that at one point in her husband's recovery, she looked at it as a choice between him being at home but attending meetings, talking to his sponsor, and working on his recovery or him being at work and using.
If my situation were like hers, then I wouldn't mind supporting him so much. He isn't attending meetings regularly, however. He only goes when I make him. I feel right now like I'm living with an addict who isn't using drugs--not an addict in recovery.
I hope I don't have to stand by my word! I hope he just goes to work! I have a feeling in my gut, though, that he's not going to--almost as if he's going to test me to see if I mean it, and if I do mean it, he will then have a great excuse to go use. It's all part of his manipulations to make is recovery my problem and my project, which makes any failure my fault.
Words of advice are welcome, welcome, welcome. You guys are great.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nearer to the top.
Posts: 15
Hi Thejunkyswife!
Nice to meet you... The addict in my life is my now ex-husband... we have a daughter together, so to my chagrin, we'll always be "connected."
Anyway, I guess my only caution would be to make sure that any boundaries you are putting in place are being erected to PROTECT you, not to CONTROL him... Certainly in your situation, you could say that you refuse to support someone who is perfectly capable of contributing to the household... and that's why he's got to go... I know when I would try to set boundaries because I was hoping for a particular outcome, well, that just made me resentful times ten when he didn't do what I wanted him to do...
I don't think the woman at the meeting had a fair question for you re: how would you feel if he were out on the street... Afterall, he has choices, ya know? He could contribute equally to the household, he could go to a shelter, etc... It's not your responsibility to care for and manage a grown man. I mean, if her logic were sound, you could also ponder how would you feel if he ODed because you issued the ultimatum, he went to work, he had some $ and he used drugs!!! Kind of doesn't make sense to take all that responsibility for another capable adult, eh?!!
Prayers and hugs to you... I know this isn't easy for you. (((thejunkyswife)))
Nice to meet you... The addict in my life is my now ex-husband... we have a daughter together, so to my chagrin, we'll always be "connected."
Anyway, I guess my only caution would be to make sure that any boundaries you are putting in place are being erected to PROTECT you, not to CONTROL him... Certainly in your situation, you could say that you refuse to support someone who is perfectly capable of contributing to the household... and that's why he's got to go... I know when I would try to set boundaries because I was hoping for a particular outcome, well, that just made me resentful times ten when he didn't do what I wanted him to do...
I don't think the woman at the meeting had a fair question for you re: how would you feel if he were out on the street... Afterall, he has choices, ya know? He could contribute equally to the household, he could go to a shelter, etc... It's not your responsibility to care for and manage a grown man. I mean, if her logic were sound, you could also ponder how would you feel if he ODed because you issued the ultimatum, he went to work, he had some $ and he used drugs!!! Kind of doesn't make sense to take all that responsibility for another capable adult, eh?!!
Prayers and hugs to you... I know this isn't easy for you. (((thejunkyswife)))
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I hope you can keep the strength. How would your feel if he were on the street? Well, his consequences put him there.
The decision to cease supporting a member of the household who is not contributing to its upkeep financially is your decision and your choice. His choice is to help support it or move out.
Where or how he moves is his business.
My XABF may be facing the street in about 2-4 months (my guess and I have been dead on so far). How will I feel if I see him out on the street? I will think he has made some really bad decisions and poor choices. I will feel sorry he could not make better choices. I will pray for his recovery.
Then, I will go on and take care of me.
I loved him as much as any husband but his life is his job to live. It is his job to live it any way he sees fit and to make his own priorities.
If his priority choices put him on the street that is his business. If his choices made me angry and closed the door to my house that is also his business.
My business is not to support him or to take care of him. My business is to take care of me.
The decision to cease supporting a member of the household who is not contributing to its upkeep financially is your decision and your choice. His choice is to help support it or move out.
Where or how he moves is his business.
My XABF may be facing the street in about 2-4 months (my guess and I have been dead on so far). How will I feel if I see him out on the street? I will think he has made some really bad decisions and poor choices. I will feel sorry he could not make better choices. I will pray for his recovery.
Then, I will go on and take care of me.
I loved him as much as any husband but his life is his job to live. It is his job to live it any way he sees fit and to make his own priorities.
If his priority choices put him on the street that is his business. If his choices made me angry and closed the door to my house that is also his business.
My business is not to support him or to take care of him. My business is to take care of me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
Thank you guys. It helps so much to hear other people affirm that I'm not insane.
I realized that telling him he had to work or get out was the best thing for me when I began resenting EVERYTHING...him showering, him eating, him touching the thermostat. For the first few weeks, he really wasn't ready to go back to work, and I could be patient with that...however, now, he sits at home all day, watching television and sleeping or hanging out with his friends. I think if he feels good enough to go do stuff with his friends, he feels good enough to go to work. I can't live with someone who isn't helping out...and it's hurting me. If he leaves, I could get a roomamte to help me pay the mortgage.
I just hope he goes to work so it won't come to this!
I realized that telling him he had to work or get out was the best thing for me when I began resenting EVERYTHING...him showering, him eating, him touching the thermostat. For the first few weeks, he really wasn't ready to go back to work, and I could be patient with that...however, now, he sits at home all day, watching television and sleeping or hanging out with his friends. I think if he feels good enough to go do stuff with his friends, he feels good enough to go to work. I can't live with someone who isn't helping out...and it's hurting me. If he leaves, I could get a roomamte to help me pay the mortgage.
I just hope he goes to work so it won't come to this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
junkyswife,
Sending you a big dose of strength for tomorrow.
You are FAR from insane. In fact, you are breathtakingly sane.
And you are not being uncompassionate. In this world, we must all earn our daily bread, one way or another. What favor are you doing him by teaching him that he is an exception to this rule?
As for the woman in your group: Here's a third option she evidently hasn't considered. He takes responsibility for his own life, like a grown up human being not a twelve-year-old, and goes to work, and DOESN'T use it as an excuse to do drugs.
Seriously, from one writer to another, here's a line from Steinbeck's Travels with Charley: "My wife married a man, and I saw no good reason why she should have to inherit an infant."
Love and hugs and strength to you, to do the right and compassionate thing for both of you.
GiveLove
Sending you a big dose of strength for tomorrow.
You are FAR from insane. In fact, you are breathtakingly sane.
And you are not being uncompassionate. In this world, we must all earn our daily bread, one way or another. What favor are you doing him by teaching him that he is an exception to this rule?
As for the woman in your group: Here's a third option she evidently hasn't considered. He takes responsibility for his own life, like a grown up human being not a twelve-year-old, and goes to work, and DOESN'T use it as an excuse to do drugs.
Seriously, from one writer to another, here's a line from Steinbeck's Travels with Charley: "My wife married a man, and I saw no good reason why she should have to inherit an infant."
Love and hugs and strength to you, to do the right and compassionate thing for both of you.
GiveLove
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with MaryPetunia about what the woman said. He has choices, and if he makes choices that take him to the street that is not your fault.
I went through this with my son many times. When he refused to live up to the boundaries in our home and was ready to leave, I always gave him a list of shelters, detox's and rehabs (which cost nothing here in Canada) and a meeting schedule and told him he still has choices, then I let him make them without guilt from me.
I know this won't be easy for you and my prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
I went through this with my son many times. When he refused to live up to the boundaries in our home and was ready to leave, I always gave him a list of shelters, detox's and rehabs (which cost nothing here in Canada) and a meeting schedule and told him he still has choices, then I let him make them without guilt from me.
I know this won't be easy for you and my prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with you and the others, i believe that any abled bodied adult should be responsible for themselves. i'm like you, i don't take too well with taking care of grown folks and that includes my grown children. i've done my share of taking care of folks, now its time to take care of me. i pray that he does go to work and that you find the strength to follow through, just in case he don't. praying for ya.
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