Newbie here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Newbie here
Hey all, I just wanted to introduce myself, tell you a little about my situation, and hopefully get some advice. I'm not an alcoholic. I can count my total yearly drinks on one hand. I also have very little experience with recovering alcoholics.
I started dating this girl back in August. Things started off very well and I was happy to find someone as wonderful as her. Well after a few weeks I got hit will a triple whamming. She was a recovering alcoholic, recovering anorexic, and had attempted suicide. Once I got over the initial shock I learn (and this has since be seen) that she was married to an extremely egotictical, abusive, controlling, and very manipulative husband. Plus she was raised in a "this is what is expected of you" society. After seeing what she went through in her life I could better understand what drove her to do what she did. I also told her that I was impressed with her determination and respected that very much and saw no reason why we should quit seeing each other.
For the next 6 months things were going very well. Her diet was constantly improving. She had no desire to drink since her divorce. And she was well on her way to reestablishing a very good career and preparing for the day when she applied of custody of her girls. Her dietician and therapist both credited me for being a very positive influence. I never judged her, accused her, or had any rash emmotional reactions to any stumbles along the way. She was doing great!
Well a month ago her ex started being a total a-hole..again. You could tell he couldn't bear seeing her succeed without him. He started using the children as a tool to control her. He would constantly deny her visitation, change the dates when she could see them, try to turn the kids against her, yell at her, insult her, threaten her, etc etc etc --- you get the gist.
Today she told me that a few weeks ago she started drinking again. She said she couldn't handle the stress. I will tell you I was terribly hurt. I asked why didn't she call me when she felt the first urge and she said she was embarrassed. Not surprisingly her ex is "very supportive"... of course he is - he got her to do exactly what he wanted... make it harder for her to get the kids.
She has already talked with her sponser and today started day 1 all over again. So now what is my roll? How can I be supportive yet still help her see what he is doing to her? How to I express how hurt I am without over burdening her with guilt? Do I even do that or just 'let it go'. Part of me just wants to 'slap her' (figuratively) and tell her "Cant you see what he's doing? Can't you see what you have just thrown away? What's wrong with you?" I read the best way to support an recovering alcoholic is to focus on yourself and not try to be a part of thier process. That it is something they need to do on their own. I'm totally confused right now.
I started dating this girl back in August. Things started off very well and I was happy to find someone as wonderful as her. Well after a few weeks I got hit will a triple whamming. She was a recovering alcoholic, recovering anorexic, and had attempted suicide. Once I got over the initial shock I learn (and this has since be seen) that she was married to an extremely egotictical, abusive, controlling, and very manipulative husband. Plus she was raised in a "this is what is expected of you" society. After seeing what she went through in her life I could better understand what drove her to do what she did. I also told her that I was impressed with her determination and respected that very much and saw no reason why we should quit seeing each other.
For the next 6 months things were going very well. Her diet was constantly improving. She had no desire to drink since her divorce. And she was well on her way to reestablishing a very good career and preparing for the day when she applied of custody of her girls. Her dietician and therapist both credited me for being a very positive influence. I never judged her, accused her, or had any rash emmotional reactions to any stumbles along the way. She was doing great!
Well a month ago her ex started being a total a-hole..again. You could tell he couldn't bear seeing her succeed without him. He started using the children as a tool to control her. He would constantly deny her visitation, change the dates when she could see them, try to turn the kids against her, yell at her, insult her, threaten her, etc etc etc --- you get the gist.
Today she told me that a few weeks ago she started drinking again. She said she couldn't handle the stress. I will tell you I was terribly hurt. I asked why didn't she call me when she felt the first urge and she said she was embarrassed. Not surprisingly her ex is "very supportive"... of course he is - he got her to do exactly what he wanted... make it harder for her to get the kids.
She has already talked with her sponser and today started day 1 all over again. So now what is my roll? How can I be supportive yet still help her see what he is doing to her? How to I express how hurt I am without over burdening her with guilt? Do I even do that or just 'let it go'. Part of me just wants to 'slap her' (figuratively) and tell her "Cant you see what he's doing? Can't you see what you have just thrown away? What's wrong with you?" I read the best way to support an recovering alcoholic is to focus on yourself and not try to be a part of thier process. That it is something they need to do on their own. I'm totally confused right now.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by SerenityValley 
Part of me just wants to 'slap her' (figuratively) and tell her "Cant you see what he's doing? Can't you see what you have just thrown away? What's wrong with you?"
wow, i think i posted these exact words at one time!
in my opinion, she should already know how supportive you are, and i'm sure she does. the world of an alcoholic is very different from the rest of us... they view things very differently and are often unable to see things that are right before their eyes, no matter how much we plead for them to. i think the best you can do is create boundaries for yourself, let her know you're there for her, ask her what she needs from you in terms of support, etc., but she's going to have to get help for herself. alcohol is a way for them to escape their lives, and she didn't tell you she was drinking because she was ashamed of herself and most likely didn't want to see that look of disappointment in your eyes. plus, it makes her take responsibility for herself and her actions.
if you don't want to tolerate drinking, don't. if you don't want to be with an active alcoholic, don't. if you want her to get help, then help her find it, but it's all up to her.
and welcome
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by WantsOut
Do I understand that she told this ex of hers that she relapsed? If he was really so scary, abusive, and in control of the kids why wuold she tell on herself like that?
But I believe it was more along the lines that her kids could tell and said something to their dad. Apparently her signs are that she gets really 'snappy' and 'angry' when she drinks. I noticed that over the past few weeks but since I didn't know those were her signs - I just wrote if off to normal emotional swings. Now I know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
wow, i think i posted these exact words at one time!
in my opinion, she should already know how supportive you are, and i'm sure she does. the world of an alcoholic is very different from the rest of us... they view things very differently and are often unable to see things that are right before their eyes, no matter how much we plead for them to. i think the best you can do is create boundaries for yourself, let her know you're there for her, ask her what she needs from you in terms of support, etc., but she's going to have to get help for herself. alcohol is a way for them to escape their lives, and she didn't tell you she was drinking because she was ashamed of herself and most likely didn't want to see that look of disappointment in your eyes. plus, it makes her take responsibility for herself and her actions.
if you don't want to tolerate drinking, don't. if you don't want to be with an active alcoholic, don't. if you want her to get help, then help her find it, but it's all up to her.
and welcome
in my opinion, she should already know how supportive you are, and i'm sure she does. the world of an alcoholic is very different from the rest of us... they view things very differently and are often unable to see things that are right before their eyes, no matter how much we plead for them to. i think the best you can do is create boundaries for yourself, let her know you're there for her, ask her what she needs from you in terms of support, etc., but she's going to have to get help for herself. alcohol is a way for them to escape their lives, and she didn't tell you she was drinking because she was ashamed of herself and most likely didn't want to see that look of disappointment in your eyes. plus, it makes her take responsibility for herself and her actions.
if you don't want to tolerate drinking, don't. if you don't want to be with an active alcoholic, don't. if you want her to get help, then help her find it, but it's all up to her.
and welcome
Well fortunately she does have help and did seek it out before things got to out of control (of course I don't know what her 'out of control' is). She's admitted that she needs to continually go to support groups and talk to her sponser... something that she was admittingly slacking on.
From what I read a relapse is part of the process and shouldn't be a shock. This was only her first one in almost a year so I do still have faith.
For me.. I'm a forgiving type to an extent. I told her straight out at the beginning that I usually trust someone until they prove to me they can't be trusted. But she did admit that she will have to earn my trust again. I was pleased to hear her say that.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
ooof ... I wish she hadn't done that to herself. But of course neither one of us can control anyone else ... she's an adult who will do what she wants.
And you need to take care of you. Maybe detach a bit and see how this goes. It sounds like a very complicated situation.
And you need to take care of you. Maybe detach a bit and see how this goes. It sounds like a very complicated situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi: glad you are here.
One thing that stands out is in regards to her ex-hausband. For one thing,I don't know that I would be so quick to accept all the things said about him...probably the reason for their break-up was the alcoholism. JMHO Even if it isn't, no matter what he says to her,etc is not a "reason" to make her drink if she is intent on staying sober. Just is a convenient excuse...at least in her own mind. (My exAH talked that game,too.)
Glad you are here. Have you read "Under the Influence" or "Getting Them Sober"? (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for preview chapters). That might be helpful,too. (I still re-read those books and always get something helpful from them!)
Hope you stick around and re-focus on YOU and let her decide if she is really done drinking yet.
One thing that stands out is in regards to her ex-hausband. For one thing,I don't know that I would be so quick to accept all the things said about him...probably the reason for their break-up was the alcoholism. JMHO Even if it isn't, no matter what he says to her,etc is not a "reason" to make her drink if she is intent on staying sober. Just is a convenient excuse...at least in her own mind. (My exAH talked that game,too.)
Glad you are here. Have you read "Under the Influence" or "Getting Them Sober"? (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for preview chapters). That might be helpful,too. (I still re-read those books and always get something helpful from them!)
Hope you stick around and re-focus on YOU and let her decide if she is really done drinking yet.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR.
In hearing "you have to take care of yourself" when you come seeking answers to help the alcoholic in your life - yes, it's very confusing. The answers you seek will come to you in time - it's way too overwhelming to grasp it all in a day - even if you want too.
I hope that you'll continue to stick around and share your journey with us. There are some posts at the top of the forum called "Sticky" posts - I recommend you read them as they have tons of information!
Welcome again to SR.
In hearing "you have to take care of yourself" when you come seeking answers to help the alcoholic in your life - yes, it's very confusing. The answers you seek will come to you in time - it's way too overwhelming to grasp it all in a day - even if you want too.
I hope that you'll continue to stick around and share your journey with us. There are some posts at the top of the forum called "Sticky" posts - I recommend you read them as they have tons of information!
Welcome again to SR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Welcome Serenity......I dont know what to say to you except - run and run fast....unless you are already in love with her and have fallen hard....read all of our stories and read the stickies at the top and learn, learn, learn....it just may be a turning point in how you feel about this woman...I have to agree with what was written above...I think her alcoholism is probably what caused the breakup with the childrens father...again JMHO
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Once again thank you for all the insights. And yes I am already in love with her - otherwise I don't think I would be here.
Just to give you a little more on the background.. her ex is also a alcoholic - and still is. He's not in any recovery. He was one before they got married, which he kept from her, and she became one by trying to keep up with him when he paraded her around (she was a trophy wife). She then used drinking to escape from him. She actually did leave him.. not the other way around. It was when she sought help from AA that she was finally able to divorce him.
I don't want to bail on her just yet as she is an amazing person. She's had only a few years of freedom after 22 years of abuse. But I will keep you updated and go through all the material you have recommended.
Just to give you a little more on the background.. her ex is also a alcoholic - and still is. He's not in any recovery. He was one before they got married, which he kept from her, and she became one by trying to keep up with him when he paraded her around (she was a trophy wife). She then used drinking to escape from him. She actually did leave him.. not the other way around. It was when she sought help from AA that she was finally able to divorce him.
I don't want to bail on her just yet as she is an amazing person. She's had only a few years of freedom after 22 years of abuse. But I will keep you updated and go through all the material you have recommended.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I just want to add my welcome to everyone elses and let you know we are really glad your here....
This is only my opinion and I could be wrong but .... its my experience that you dont "create" an Alcoholic... you can create a problem drinker but not an Alcohoic. I use to "keep up" with both my ex alcoholics and to be honest at times I used alcohol to escape or self medicate.... but that is a problem, not a disease.
I use to like to give excuses as to why my ex drank, he was molested as a child, he had a hard live growing up, etc etc.... the bottom line is that by doing that I was making it worse for him, I was justifying his excuses and helping his family to feel soft about him and when that happened I set the stage for them to enable him even more.... Finally I admitted what really was, long after he knew it and admitted it.... and asked me to stop! He is an Alcoholic and I did not cause it, I could not cure it and I could not control it... I had to learn to accept it for the "disease" it really was.
I look forward to getting to know you SV, hang out and read all you can here.
This is only my opinion and I could be wrong but .... its my experience that you dont "create" an Alcoholic... you can create a problem drinker but not an Alcohoic. I use to "keep up" with both my ex alcoholics and to be honest at times I used alcohol to escape or self medicate.... but that is a problem, not a disease.
I use to like to give excuses as to why my ex drank, he was molested as a child, he had a hard live growing up, etc etc.... the bottom line is that by doing that I was making it worse for him, I was justifying his excuses and helping his family to feel soft about him and when that happened I set the stage for them to enable him even more.... Finally I admitted what really was, long after he knew it and admitted it.... and asked me to stop! He is an Alcoholic and I did not cause it, I could not cure it and I could not control it... I had to learn to accept it for the "disease" it really was.
I look forward to getting to know you SV, hang out and read all you can here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
welcome---keep posting---I hate to say it but you walked right into a huge mess my friend--read everything her and then think hard f you want to spend your life with someone who is an A with many other issues--I would run run run,,,
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Just to follow up. I did end up leaving the relationship. As Sunflower nailed it the head....I had walked into a huge mess and honestly I personally don't need that in my life.
I realized that she was using me as her crutch for getting better. When I first mentioned that I didn't think we had a future, all the response from her was asking what can "she" do to fix it. She said she'd do anything to keep me from leaving. Attend more meetings, gain more weight, etc. That's when I knew it was time to get out. She's not ready for a relationship until she can do this for her and her alone.
Of course right now she's thoroughly pissed and sending me nasty emails and phone calls... which is fine. I'm okay with that as that is part of the greeving process so I'm not responding as I have no intention of "slamming her".
Thanks again for everyone's advice and concern.
I realized that she was using me as her crutch for getting better. When I first mentioned that I didn't think we had a future, all the response from her was asking what can "she" do to fix it. She said she'd do anything to keep me from leaving. Attend more meetings, gain more weight, etc. That's when I knew it was time to get out. She's not ready for a relationship until she can do this for her and her alone.
Of course right now she's thoroughly pissed and sending me nasty emails and phone calls... which is fine. I'm okay with that as that is part of the greeving process so I'm not responding as I have no intention of "slamming her".
Thanks again for everyone's advice and concern.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I'm not responding as I have no intention of "slamming her".
Oh, by the way, nice to make your acquantaince
I have been finding in the past few months, its a tad hard to keep. My emotions and frankly, some very fine "button pushing" from my A has caused me to cross them a tad by respondig to a few email. I have not broken the boundry of in the "real" though. And have no intention too.
In my experience, the more you don't respond, the more the contact and yes, even "nastiness". My A liked to get a reaction, even if it ws negative. That let him know he still had some "control" over me.
So, I found to do instead when I had the urge to try and explain or reacte to his nonsense.
SR is a great place to come instead. 24/7 service here
Plus, it helps the rest of us, as we can take what we need from your experince
Thanks for posting
Peace
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
Good for you SV. I know how hard it is to walk away. And the nastiness, btw, isn't just part of grieving....it is part of the alcoholism. As CE said - anything to get a reaction, even a negative one. You are one step ahead of the game by knowing you will not respond.
How long has it been since you have broken it off?
How long has it been since you have broken it off?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
It's only been two days so far since the "final" breakup... that so far has resulted in 12 nasty emails, 6 insulting phone calls, and finding every gift I gave her crammed into my mailbox.... oh and she apparently went out last night for dinner in an attempt to make me jealous. I swear it's like being back in highschool. But still I will not respond. I know she's hurting and really doesn't know how to deal with it just yet... but hopefully she will turn to her sponser. All I can do it pray for her.
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