StarGazer6

I'm confused. I've been feeling like I want to be back with my ex (5 years is hard to let go of). He's been clean from vicodin, oxy's and crack for a month. Not very long but long enough to where I see his true self shining through again. He sounded so great when I talked to him yesterday. He's so positive, still in over 100K in debt but he's been staying with his parents most days of the week when he's not at the house he bought where he had that meth addict who was living with him move out and the couple who moved in are at now. He said that his house is full of bad memories and that he's eventually not going to have any of his stuff there and will get his own place somewhere else soon. I'm happy he's been at his parents' so much. I was so happy to hear that! He's talking about his classes and that he's doing better on the Wellbutrin. I miss him soooo much!!! Even just his friendship. I've never met anyone like him.

I went out with my girlfriends to a club in LA and it was fun but I couldn't stop thinking about him and how he was so attentive to me and I don't see those qualities in the guys that I've encountered since our break-up, not even close! I want to at least be his friend and to see him again, probably this weekend. I think about him constantly and have been crying every day for the last couple weeks. I thought I was over this but he sounded so good and it gives me hope and I'm scared to let him in again. He wanted to come over last week, I said no cause it was late and a work night but I wanted to see him too. He says he thinks about me a lot and that he cares about me deeply. I don't know what to do, I think I may start just by seeing him again as FRIENDS and see how it goes. He's a wonderful, dynamic, funny, gentle, handsome, charismatic guy and I see more of the person he was before his addiction got so out of control. I wish I could erase his addiction. I've been so lonely and it's hard to imagine my life without him, even after 3 months of being apart. My ex says you never know what can happen the future between us, like he still wants to be with me. Maybe he CAN change. Time will tell. I really don't want to start over again with someone new. I don't want to interfere w/ his recovery though by complicating the situation but I feel like I'm a great influence in his life, I'm not using drugs, I have a good job...and he tells me how much he appreciates my support over the last month. Is it too soon???

cinderellawkids

They can change, each and every one of them.
If you can wait though another month or two please do for your sake. My AH was clean a month when I let him back and in 3 months we are back where we were. He's been clean as long as 6 months before and then bam, but at that point by the 4th month I could see him slip and struggle.

Im not the only one with those stories and splitting up dealing with reoccurring addiction is hard todo it doesnt get easier, it hurts everytime. Be there for him, love him and support him, but give it more time it can only help

hope213

(((stargazer)))) i know how you feel but a month is not very long. take baby steps.let him work his recovery.is he going to meetings? is he really working his recovery? these are things you need to look at.work your recovery & let us know how things are. we really care.hugs,hope

teke

i agree with the others, i went 9 yrs and slipped or relapsed whatever you want to call it. relapse can come without a warning to you and to the addict. so maybe it would be a good idea if you could start slow and let time tell you when its the right time to move forward on that. just my opinion

parentrecovers

trust your gut, if you are questioning it - it may be too soon. it's ok to give yourself more time. blessings, k

StarGazer6

I know you're all right about giving it more time, it WILL only help and I really do want him to get stronger, I want both of us to be feel confident that he WILL stay away from the drugs. He's showing so much promise though and it's hard NOT to get my hopes up now. And I know that if it's meant to be and if he cares about me the same then it will work out. The in between time is just so tough b/c it's out of my control and up to him if he wants to stay this way.
Hope213, he's in his last week of meetings I believe, but he said he will probably keep up some other meetings afterward...we'll see. He was going twice/week.
Teke, Wow! after 9 years a relapse? I know it can happen whenever and no one knows what the trigger might be until it happens.
It IS VERY soon...I guess I'll just see when I see. I know I'm thinking about my own needs right now, wanting the person he was, which is why I'm already thinking of getting back together. I can't believe I'm saying this.

kj21

I think it is totally normal to be thinking like that. Of course we want them to be better, and we want our lives back. The fun one, you know, when they didn't lie and hurt you over and over. I think 1 month is way too soon, to date again. Much easier to say than feel. My ABF went to rehab for 35 days, he was so positive, happy again, optomistic about life, then relapse, relapse and relapse! Old triggers, familiar situations....we are currently apart right now, but talk daily almost, I just can't let go completely...Some one said here once that thier addiction was drugs and our addiction is them!!I never know how true that was until just recently.
I wish you and him all the best!!! I hope he stays clean and happy!!! I hope you two will be back together one day and living the life you dream of!!!

StarGazer6

Thanks KJ, I definitely feel like I AM addicted to him, the way he made me laugh and cry with tears of joy instead of with tears of pain. I feel like it's my responsibility to help keep him away from those old triggers, even though I know it's really something he has to make sure of on his own, I can't keep him away from every bad influence.
All of you have been making me feel so much better since I discovered this site last week. Taking a step back and knowing that I can't change the situation is more realistic.

HKAngel24

StarGazer-
So glad there is something else out going through this besides me. This post made me feel alot less alone.
I am in a similar situation - my abf telling me he is clean, will continue to stay that way and really wants recovery/a life.
Discerning truth from lies is nearly impossible for me, so I am learning to try to take things day by day and not brood of the "need to know".

I think it is difficult to be patient. Somehow we want to jump back into the closeness we have with them, but the confused and leary feeling we feel is the lack of trust. I think we always want to live in the fantasy of who they were or who we hope they will return to. What I have needed to remind myself throughout all of this is that I can never give myself entirely to someone so that they are my feeding tube for self-esteem and personal identity- ESPECIALLY someone who may or may not be abusing drugs.
I have a hard time existing in the gray area where I do not put blinders on, but am not accusatory and paranoid all the time.

If you feel uncomfortable even in the least- I would suggest that you explore that feeling. It will be telling you something.

StarGazer6

Anvil-- you have really solid advice, he really makes his own decisions, whether I help or not. I try to focus on keeping myself strong everyday. I still miss the days when we did E together though. I feel like I still want to do it once or twice a year, so after 6 months of straightening out on my own- no rehab, I've let go of that life too and it gets boring sometimes but I know I can't keep partying all the time anymore. Since he and I broke up, I haven't even been around any of that stuff. When I walked away from it all, I think he got scared b/c he needed more help and he felt like he couldn't use anymore either. At least if he broke up with me, he could do drugs in peace and not feel worse about it.

HKAngel- that's exactly how I felt the first day I came on here - that I can genuinely relate to you. Actually, your message was the first one I responded to. Although I don't always comment, I've read many of your posts. It sounds like you were swept off your feet by your guy just like I was with mine and still was, even toward the end before we broke up. He is so awesome and I still say that in spite of all the troubles. You are not alone and your posts are so sincere, thanks!

dollydo

What's the hurry? Give it time, like a year, you can still see him when it suits you....no need to jump back in feet first...keep your eyes and ears open, his actions will speak for themselves.

We live in a society of instant gratification, there is no long term planning, no building slowly, we want it all now...and we all pay the price.

There is nothing in life that can endure, without a strong foundation, a little corner brick set starts the foundation and it is built one brick at a time, once the foundation is built, then the walls are built and so on...you can't slap it together in a day, a month and in most cases not even a year.

Slow down, no rush...build the foundation, and everything else will fall into place after that.