Mavis

Hello all! I hope your Easter dinner's were great!

I have a question. Was it just "My Husband" or is most Addict's Liar's? I don't mean lying about where they had been, or how they "haven't been using" but down right lying about.. just about everything?
My Husband fabricated the dumbest things. He would go out of his way to tell me things that never happened in his life. He accually told me once he had a Brother from an affair that his Father had. (His Mother does not know).. so please no one tell her! lol.
He told me stories that no one would have ever gone through, and it just seems so stupid looking back at it. He did admit to lying uncontrollably. But never owned up to what his lies accually were.
Does anyone have anything simular?

teke

sorry dear, i don't believe anything my husband tells me, especially when he is in active addiction. i don't even ask any questions anymore, cause i believe if he's talking, he's lieing so whats the use in asking. yeap, addicts lie, thats what they do, its common. seems like they just make up stuff to lie about for no reason at all.

mooselips

Mavis,
I think a "Pathological lair" doesn't even know when they're lying, they truly believe they are telling the truth, and they do not have a conscience.

IMO, both of my sons KNEW when they were lying, and just tried to do it to cover their tracks.

Hugs to you,

Mavis

So then would it be an Addict thing? What if an Addict get's clean? Will they still lie? Oh, all these questions from a newbie..

susieque5

I agree with Moose and Teke...it's worse when in active addiction, but in the case of my exah (and his mother also), some people are just pathological liars and will lie about anything to make themselves look better or more important. I definitely agree they have no conscience.

GiveLove

My XABF lied before he became an addict, lied while he was an addict, lies still.

He is a deeply troubled person (hence the addiction) who used lies to make life go better for him. He may not have been pathological, but he is extremely manipulative. AND he comes to believe his lies. All of them.

Sounds pretty similar....don't count on sobriety fixing this in your X. It takes a lot more work to dismantle this sort of behavior.

Take care of you
Hugs,
GL

marteen

MY AD used to lie before she started using but never to the degree she does using. She is not the same person and I really don't think she can tell the difference between reality and her lies. She's gotten so used to the lying and so good at it that it has become her way of life for most things. I can't believe a word she says.

hope213

good morning mavis, that is what addicts do..lie. will he lie when he gets clean? if he does not have a program in his life & he does not work it the answer is yes.they have to change their addictive ways when they clean them selves up. it takes lots of hard work.just keep working on you & you will be ok.hugs,

laketime

My As Was Recently In A Dept Store With His Mom. Theyre Lookin For Him Shoes. The Sales Lady Tells Him They Dont Have His Size. He Says To Her Well I Was Looking For A Friend Anyway. Where Do The Lies Come From. Everywhere, They Tell Lies When The Truth Would Be Better. Has To Be The Addiction I Guess.

MsPINKAcres

How to tell if an A is lying?

Their mouth is moving & words are coming out!

Ok - so maybe I'm embellishing the story a little

My AH has 4 yrs in a program of recovery & will still lie on some occasions. Not as often as he did. He is trying to work on it - After 48 yrs of automatically telling a lie, I guess it is difficult for him to be honest in everything.

It has also made me look at myself. How often do I "stretch" the truth in a situation also? Was I entirely honest with him, too? I'm not talking about the things we had to hide (money, car keys, etc.) to protect ourselves, but just general stories about how much work we did, loads of clothes I washed or stuff like that? Helped me look at myself & try to be honest in all my affairs.

Trying to work on my own garden of self. And let the A's in my life work on their own weeds in their garden.

Peace to You,
Rita

thejunkyswife

Oh, I love these situations when it becomes so clear that addicts' behaviors are part of the disease...even some of the positive behaviors. A woman in a meeting recently said, "My husband could convince a nun to have sex." And IT'S SO TRUE! My husband is one of the most charming people I've ever met. I new him before he became really a mess with addiction, and he was always a big manipulator and a big liar. He's so charming, so charismatic, and such a huge crazy liar.
When he's in active addictoin, it's definitely worse. His lies become exotic...he told his last boss that I was pregnant, that his mother had died, and that he was hving emergency stomach surgery. None of these things are true. He just needed time off to go through withdrawal...and now he's going to have to start a new job with all these lies on his shoulders.

One thing I've had to do for myself, and I'm sure many of you can relate to this, is refuse to lie anymore, for any reason, to cover for him. I might not necessarily tell the person who I'm talking to that my husband was lying, but I will redirect that person to talk to him. I'm not enabling him to use by continuing his lies for him anymore, and itmakes me feel so much better about myself when I stand up to him.

HKAngel24

Hmm... lies. I wish I was at a place of insight and perspective at the moment, but I am still struggling to come to terms with the basic precepts of addiction and the realities of recovery.

I am in the beginning and am at the point where despite his behavior changing- his mouth is still just moving and I am hesitant to believe anything that is coming out.
I have known a troubled friend to lie about anything and everything- from where she went to dinner that night with family to whether or not she dated a certain guy.

Louise54

One time my as went out our back door to pretend to smoke a cigarette, then snuck around the front, went into my husband's car, (where he sometimes keeps his money for fear it would get stolen by you know who). He stood there with cash in his hand, counting it I guess to see how much he could take without us realizing it was stolen, duh. Anyway, I happened to be watching this out the window. I ran outside, grabbed the money and asked him what he thought he was doing. He looked in my eyes and said he was just counting it and thought about borrowing some and putting it back later.

I was like, do you think I was born yesterday? HOw stupid did he think I am. Money had been missing from our house off and on for 2 years, and he always denied it to the bone. Not that I ever thought he would admit it.

But even getting caught red handed didn't stop him from lying and making up stupid ones at that.

bren38

That is all I feel my RAH has done in the 9 years I've known him. The funny thing is..............thats the one thing I have never been able to tolerate in a person, dishonesty. I put a lot of stock in truth. I really admire and respect a person who will own up to their shortcomings and mistakes regardless of the consequences. And here I am married to someone who has done nothing but lie throughout our marriage. Must be something I'm supposed to learn from all this but I have yet to figure it out. Sorry for rambling.

cinderellawkids

Wow, can my AH tell you stories. You wouldnt believe the life he supposedly had 20 years ago (he's 24) LOL
The things he's had guys in rehab and in jail convinced of still make me laugh.
He's rich you know, gonna be a developer and put everyone to work. Ready to take that State contractors test, HAHA. He enver got past 8th grade the rest of his dreams are waiting in that little glass pipe. What always scared me is that he'd convince himself they were true.

thejunkyswife

YES cinderella...it's not just the lying, but the fantasizing. Addicts seem to have the most ridiculous dreams/schemes always in the works. My husband is always coming up with these ideas--like how he's going to own his own shop one day, or how we'll convert the little 5x6 shed in our backyard into a shop or a studio for someone to live in or a castle for ******* gorillas--he's so WEIRD sometimes.

But honestly, this is a part of what I fell for--his creativity, his imagination, his wild ideas, his charisma...

cinderellawkids

Yeah me too. Stillwaiting for the large mantion and workers running his business so we can play all day, oh and a nanny and a cook and a maid. And he's gonna have an F550 with all our boys driving F250s.

YEAH sure

Elana

Man.. MORE eye opening here for me! See, the thing is, if I had KNOWN my BF was an addict all the past 6 years before he moved out and became my xABF all of this would have made so much more sense.

Just coming to terms that he was moving out was a lot.. but to discover at the same time he was an addict.. and then to discover for certain 4 and a half months later he was cheating.. and the extent of his lying.. it put the anger meter over the top for me.

But, the upshot is, just like everyone else here says he just lied aobut everything.. just EVERYTHING.

It was amazing.. this guy would say anything to build up the facade of the person he wished he was as opposed to the scumbag he really IS.

He failed at every venture in his life.. from High school to college to the army (yeah.. conditional discharge.. not even worth the effort of a dishonorable and certainly not worth an honorable) to his cleaning business to his photography business to his last gig in surveying that he is currently collecting unemployment from.. all his relationships failed...

Yet he told these lies and stories (like a secret mission for the army.. yeah.. right... ) and he would lie to EVERYONE; his Mom (may she rest in peace) his sisters.. his friends and ME. He just would say some of a lie to all the people he talked to. He was a ROD MAN for the surveyor, yet when he was talking to people he was a "surveyor.." When he talked to people about photographer he became a full time professional photographer (oops.. what happened to being a rod man?)...

Oh it was amazing..
He was really convincing. He sure convinced me.

It is a good thing I found out the EXTENT of the lying AFTER he moved out because if I had found out while he was living here he would have come home to every piece of his clothing, furniture and camera equipment out on the front lawn...

I guess I don't like liars....
But yeah.. to answer your question.. I think lying becomes part of their make up. They do one to cover something up or to look good and someone.. ANYONE.. and if they believe it and they off to the races. I think it starts when they are kids and lying to their parents to cover up something they did they were not supposed to do. They get away with it once or twice and it gets easier and easier.

eventually you can't tell where the lies end and the truth begins.. and neither can they!.

Elana

PS:
If you get together with another person they have spent time with and you compare notes and you both discover how extensive the lies are and the Addict finds out.. the addict will get really really upset.

BTDT!

cinderellawkids

When my husband was 12 he came in and told his mom he got hit by a car. He always had such great stories she didnt believe him until a week later the neighbor came over to ask how her son was