4/9 Language of Letting Go
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4/9 Language of Letting Go
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing Gods will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because its our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove were worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing Gods will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because its our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove were worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Thanks Cynay!
This hit the nail on the head for me as yesterday I struggled with a second 'go around' with my aging Dad. When I 'can't' give (because I had the nerve to become ill and it inconvenienced him), as my Dad 'expects me to'...it unleashes his anger, then he walks away and sulks when he realizes his manipulations have gotten him nowhere. Then I feel guilt and want to limit just how much I do give. It's like the more I give, the more he expects me to give. He makes healthy giving turn into an unhealthy experience.
I know I'm going to struggle with this 'giving' concept especially as it relates to someone who is an angry, controlling, manipulating, with unrealistic expecations kind of a man.
I need to read this post over and over again!
This hit the nail on the head for me as yesterday I struggled with a second 'go around' with my aging Dad. When I 'can't' give (because I had the nerve to become ill and it inconvenienced him), as my Dad 'expects me to'...it unleashes his anger, then he walks away and sulks when he realizes his manipulations have gotten him nowhere. Then I feel guilt and want to limit just how much I do give. It's like the more I give, the more he expects me to give. He makes healthy giving turn into an unhealthy experience.
I know I'm going to struggle with this 'giving' concept especially as it relates to someone who is an angry, controlling, manipulating, with unrealistic expecations kind of a man.
I need to read this post over and over again!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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I gave mostly out of my sense of loyalty and guilt.
Today, I give when I WANT too. And because I want too. It comes from my heart - not out of any motives other than my desire to give.
Thanks for the post!
Today, I give when I WANT too. And because I want too. It comes from my heart - not out of any motives other than my desire to give.
Thanks for the post!
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