New and Worried
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 5
New and Worried
Hi,
I just found this board and would like a little advice. I just started al-anon also, so that's been helping a lot.
My abf is back on the wagon for a little over two weeks now. We live together, have been together for three years, he was sober for about one year in the middle. A couple weeks ago I couldn't deal with his binges anymore and told him he had to get sober or get out. He realizes he has a problem and said he would quit.
He's been back going to meetings (not every day, but almost) and like I said, I started al-anon. But tonite, he went to his family's for easter and didn't call for a few hours. I was busy doing my own thing, but after a few hours, I started freaking out, thinking that he was drinking. I spent the next hour feeling sick to my stomach and crying. He came home and told me he'd gone to a meeting after dinner with his family. He was telling the truth, but I don't know how to I guess "let go and let god." I didn't accuse him or yell, but I told him I'd been worried. He said he completely understood why I was worried and that I had every right to worry after all the crap he's pulled in the past.
I know I can't control his drinking; but I'm having a really hard time detaching myself. He's working hard and I don't want to undermine him by constantly suspecting him. Nor do I want to take it so personally if he does drink again. ugh. This is very hard. If anyone has any advice, I'd like to hear it.
thanks.
I just found this board and would like a little advice. I just started al-anon also, so that's been helping a lot.
My abf is back on the wagon for a little over two weeks now. We live together, have been together for three years, he was sober for about one year in the middle. A couple weeks ago I couldn't deal with his binges anymore and told him he had to get sober or get out. He realizes he has a problem and said he would quit.
He's been back going to meetings (not every day, but almost) and like I said, I started al-anon. But tonite, he went to his family's for easter and didn't call for a few hours. I was busy doing my own thing, but after a few hours, I started freaking out, thinking that he was drinking. I spent the next hour feeling sick to my stomach and crying. He came home and told me he'd gone to a meeting after dinner with his family. He was telling the truth, but I don't know how to I guess "let go and let god." I didn't accuse him or yell, but I told him I'd been worried. He said he completely understood why I was worried and that I had every right to worry after all the crap he's pulled in the past.
I know I can't control his drinking; but I'm having a really hard time detaching myself. He's working hard and I don't want to undermine him by constantly suspecting him. Nor do I want to take it so personally if he does drink again. ugh. This is very hard. If anyone has any advice, I'd like to hear it.
thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
We all feel this---we smell their breath--search their pockets--at some point anyway....it all takes time to learn how not to constantly worry about them.Sounds like he was very understanding towards you...maybe the AA is sticking this time--I sure hope so.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: brooksville, KY
Posts: 10
Actually, and I may get some angry replies to this one...you should take it personally if he decides to drink again. He made a commitment to you, to himself, and to anyone else in his life that loves him, and is worried about his health. No, you can't constantly be suspecting him, but you can't let him slide either. You have to be his partner and his pretend "parole officer" I honestly hope that he stays sober this time, because it sounds like he has someone good in his life that really truly cares
-Ashlin
-Ashlin
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
She can't stop him from sliding...nor should she be his parole officer...there's no point in her twisting herself up in knots trying to control him and his addiction, if he wants to drink he will, no matter how many promises he has made.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Nrevous Nell.
It takes awhile to 'unlearn' old behaviors. We didn't learn them overnight, and they won't go away overnight. Detaching is one of the most challenging things to understand enough to successfully put into practice. Even after we learn 'how', and are successful with it, we sometimes 'slip' and revert back to old behaviors. But the point is you are trying by going to Alanon, and by comng here.
Read through the posts and the stickies at the top of the forum. Maybe after reading how other's learned to detach, you will find some ways to do it for yourself too.
Keep coming back.
It takes awhile to 'unlearn' old behaviors. We didn't learn them overnight, and they won't go away overnight. Detaching is one of the most challenging things to understand enough to successfully put into practice. Even after we learn 'how', and are successful with it, we sometimes 'slip' and revert back to old behaviors. But the point is you are trying by going to Alanon, and by comng here.
Read through the posts and the stickies at the top of the forum. Maybe after reading how other's learned to detach, you will find some ways to do it for yourself too.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Don't be so hard on yourself. As already stated, these behaviors will take time to change. I struggle with detachment and know that gut-wrenching feeling of anxiety all to well. It really stinks to feel that way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 5
Thank you all very much. I will continue to try to lovingly detach. One of my biggest problems was that I was acting as his parole officer/mommy and I honestly don't want that anymore. I'm not going to pretend I won't be furious if he picks up again, but I'm beyond thinking I can do anything more about that. Ugh. So difficult.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i wholeheartedly disagree with ashlin... your bf is going to drink, if he wants to, whether you like it or not, so i'd take it personally - it isn't about you. we've all made threats and tried to make compromises, and often, they do agree to stay sober to save their family or their relationships with their significant others, but they will relapse. they have to do it for themselves and not for you. having your bf agree to stay sober for you or have some kind of committment like that is only setting you up for disappointment... and believe me, it's something we've all felt. furthermore, keeping tabs on him and being his "parole officer" because often that kind of behavior pushes them further away from you. alcoholics like to be in control and if they realize you are, they're likely to relapse. it's a disease, just like any other.
regardless of whether or not he's made a committment to you and everyone else in your family, he's not going to follow through on it unless he wants to... i wouldn't set yourself up for disappointment because it's very painful.
nervous, we've all been where you are. my stomach would be in knots if my ex didn't call, or if she was late coming home. i'd call dozens of times with no answer. i'd go through my day, feeling very early on that today would be a day she drank. it's gut wrenching. it's absolutely terrible. i had to do a lot of reading on the topic and a lot of deciding that it doesn't make a difference if i'm worried sick - she's already out and how can i control it? there's no way i'd even know where to find her. so instead, as i learned to detach, i watched a movie or came here and read others' posts. it got my mind off of her and helped me realize that she was going to drink whether i liked it or not. it's a disease and we have no control over it.
and welcome!
regardless of whether or not he's made a committment to you and everyone else in your family, he's not going to follow through on it unless he wants to... i wouldn't set yourself up for disappointment because it's very painful.
nervous, we've all been where you are. my stomach would be in knots if my ex didn't call, or if she was late coming home. i'd call dozens of times with no answer. i'd go through my day, feeling very early on that today would be a day she drank. it's gut wrenching. it's absolutely terrible. i had to do a lot of reading on the topic and a lot of deciding that it doesn't make a difference if i'm worried sick - she's already out and how can i control it? there's no way i'd even know where to find her. so instead, as i learned to detach, i watched a movie or came here and read others' posts. it got my mind off of her and helped me realize that she was going to drink whether i liked it or not. it's a disease and we have no control over it.
and welcome!
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Ok, those feelings are going to come and we can't do anything about them coming over us..........WHAT WE CAN DO is learn how to deal with them in a way that keeps us healthy. This isn't something that is going to happen over night either, it takes time.
The feelings come, that is a fact, we have ALL had them at one time or another whether or A is active or in recovery. What we do is deal with the feelings in a healthy, productive way.
Sounds like you lost if for a bit with they crying and worrying, but also sounds like you got it together and discussed these feelings you were having while he was MIA with him in a rational, mature manner. ALSO sounds like he handled it very well too, he was understanding of your feelings and he VALIDATED them by saying you had a right to have those feelings.....which by the way you did.
From what your post says, I think you are BOTH on the path to recovery and in a good way, keep it up!!!!!!
The feelings come, that is a fact, we have ALL had them at one time or another whether or A is active or in recovery. What we do is deal with the feelings in a healthy, productive way.
Sounds like you lost if for a bit with they crying and worrying, but also sounds like you got it together and discussed these feelings you were having while he was MIA with him in a rational, mature manner. ALSO sounds like he handled it very well too, he was understanding of your feelings and he VALIDATED them by saying you had a right to have those feelings.....which by the way you did.
From what your post says, I think you are BOTH on the path to recovery and in a good way, keep it up!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR, we are glad you found us and congrads on doing something to take control of your own life.... cuz that is the only thing you can control.
I wish is was as easy as his making a promise and if he breaks it you are personally offended and take action, but unfortunally your heart gets involved and he probably has the very best intentions of keeping the promise.... but he does have to make that decision for himself and has to want it more then anything. Its kinda like this.... if he had cancer and it was treatable, he might promise you that he will not die and leave you.... but if he does not get chemo that promise means nothing... a promise will not stop cancer and a promise will not stop an Alcoholic from drinking. They have to take the action needed and want it more then anything in life.
When I would get scared I would bump up the Al-anon meetings and start reading more. Detaching was the hardest thing for me to do as well. It all boils down to what your boundries are, what your willing to live with and how much work you are willing to put into yourself in living with an Alcoholic.
I look forward to getting to know you, read the stickies at the top and keep posting and talking... your not alone.
I wish is was as easy as his making a promise and if he breaks it you are personally offended and take action, but unfortunally your heart gets involved and he probably has the very best intentions of keeping the promise.... but he does have to make that decision for himself and has to want it more then anything. Its kinda like this.... if he had cancer and it was treatable, he might promise you that he will not die and leave you.... but if he does not get chemo that promise means nothing... a promise will not stop cancer and a promise will not stop an Alcoholic from drinking. They have to take the action needed and want it more then anything in life.
When I would get scared I would bump up the Al-anon meetings and start reading more. Detaching was the hardest thing for me to do as well. It all boils down to what your boundries are, what your willing to live with and how much work you are willing to put into yourself in living with an Alcoholic.
I look forward to getting to know you, read the stickies at the top and keep posting and talking... your not alone.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
[QUOTE=Cynay;1282530]Welcome to SR, we are glad you found us and congrads on doing something to take control of your own life.... cuz that is the only thing you can control.
I wish is was as easy as his making a promise and if he breaks it you are personally offended and take action, but unfortunally your heart gets involved and he probably has the very best intentions of keeping the promise.... but he does have to make that decision for himself and has to want it more then anything. Its kinda like this.... if he had cancer and it was treatable, he might promise you that he will not die and leave you.... but if he does not get chemo that promise means nothing... a promise will not stop cancer and a promise will not stop an Alcoholic from drinking. They have to take the action needed and want it more then anything in life.
When I would get scared I would bump up the Al-anon meetings and start reading more. Detaching was the hardest thing for me to do as well. It all boils down to what your boundries are, what your willing to live with and how much work you are willing to put into yourself in living with an Alcoholic.
QUOTE]
I would have to say DITTO on this entire post! More meetings for you-(it always feel so wonderful walking out after a meeting) it reassures us that we are not going crazy!
We all make our own choices in this world and our A's have made the choices that they have made. Al-Anon is the place for us to learn to set our boundaries and learn to stick to them. (And as ICU said to "unlearn those old behaviors of our own")Consuming our lives with our A's is not healthy for them or for you. It gets better sweets...it truly does
Care for yourself honey-you are in the right place here! Welcome to SR and keep coming back and posting!!
I wish is was as easy as his making a promise and if he breaks it you are personally offended and take action, but unfortunally your heart gets involved and he probably has the very best intentions of keeping the promise.... but he does have to make that decision for himself and has to want it more then anything. Its kinda like this.... if he had cancer and it was treatable, he might promise you that he will not die and leave you.... but if he does not get chemo that promise means nothing... a promise will not stop cancer and a promise will not stop an Alcoholic from drinking. They have to take the action needed and want it more then anything in life.
When I would get scared I would bump up the Al-anon meetings and start reading more. Detaching was the hardest thing for me to do as well. It all boils down to what your boundries are, what your willing to live with and how much work you are willing to put into yourself in living with an Alcoholic.
QUOTE]
I would have to say DITTO on this entire post! More meetings for you-(it always feel so wonderful walking out after a meeting) it reassures us that we are not going crazy!
We all make our own choices in this world and our A's have made the choices that they have made. Al-Anon is the place for us to learn to set our boundaries and learn to stick to them. (And as ICU said to "unlearn those old behaviors of our own")Consuming our lives with our A's is not healthy for them or for you. It gets better sweets...it truly does
Care for yourself honey-you are in the right place here! Welcome to SR and keep coming back and posting!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: brooksville, KY
Posts: 10
ok...maybe I was a little harsh, but it just frustrates me to no end when someone doesn't follow through on a promise or commitment. Especially when it's someone that I love and have the utmost faith in. You want to believe that this time he means it when he says "Baby I'm done I PROMISE" but more often than not it's just more ********. Him trying to get you to stick around, and overlook his "slip-ups" at least that's how it was with me and my ex. After almost 2 years of living with him and a rocky engagement, I just couldn't take his binges and his lies anymore. I tried to be his "parole officer" and it didn't work, I mean, he was 29 years old...what could I do right? tell his daddy? Yes, I love him, but no he is never going to change if he doesn't want to, and he doesn't so I had to let him go. what choice did I have? Maybe it will be different for you Nell hun, but good luck in whatever choice you decide to make!
xoxo
Ashlin
xoxo
Ashlin
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey NN,
What you experienced is not unlike the process the alcoholic goes through. Our patterns, behaviours, repressed emotions come up through this process. And it's all about the process. You just had a little exercise so to speak...and you got thru wiser for the exercise. You realized what was going on with you...you are taking responsibility for your own stuff..that's awesome. That's exactly what this is all about. From what you wrote, it reads like a good healing moment between the two of you. Your husband heard and understood your very understandable fears. You guys are right in there in the trenches doing the good work that needs to done. I say..good on ya!
What you experienced is not unlike the process the alcoholic goes through. Our patterns, behaviours, repressed emotions come up through this process. And it's all about the process. You just had a little exercise so to speak...and you got thru wiser for the exercise. You realized what was going on with you...you are taking responsibility for your own stuff..that's awesome. That's exactly what this is all about. From what you wrote, it reads like a good healing moment between the two of you. Your husband heard and understood your very understandable fears. You guys are right in there in the trenches doing the good work that needs to done. I say..good on ya!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
anyone watching that HBO special ''Addiction" I believe it is coming ut on dvd as well.They do deal with the topic in depth about relapse..I found it interesting..the speaker--whose name I cannot remember talks about how we should not take it personally if our loved one relaps
es anymore than we do their drinking because we can control niether. It really has nothing to do with us-just like the drinking --and such a high percentage do relapse even many many years after being sober.I should hope there would be motivation of the A to stay sober for your sake.Hey my AS has a real parole officer and believe me it works...I managed to get him on one year of reporting and testing weekly--he has no criminal record from it either.He was arrested but the charges were dropped if coninues in this mandated program....thats another interesting topic in the show--being mandated to quit by the system--I quess it has a very good track record.
es anymore than we do their drinking because we can control niether. It really has nothing to do with us-just like the drinking --and such a high percentage do relapse even many many years after being sober.I should hope there would be motivation of the A to stay sober for your sake.Hey my AS has a real parole officer and believe me it works...I managed to get him on one year of reporting and testing weekly--he has no criminal record from it either.He was arrested but the charges were dropped if coninues in this mandated program....thats another interesting topic in the show--being mandated to quit by the system--I quess it has a very good track record.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Yep, the control thing was my biggie ! I have counted beers in the fridge, looked under the couch, cushions,...whatever.....drove ME nuts !
You have come to the right place here at SR ! Please keep posting and reading.....
You have come to the right place here at SR ! Please keep posting and reading.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 5
Thanks again. You guys have made me feel much more sane. I'm going to another meeting (my 4th) tonite. I'll go again on Thursday. I used to resist meetings, but cannot believe how helpful just going has been for me. My mom was an alcoholic, I've dated alcoholics (though thankfully not exclusively) before, so this is something I should've been doing probably since I was a teenager. Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. . . .
Our conversations are a lot saner since I started going to meetings too. I can't say I'll never shriek at him again, but I'm learning to be calmer and not throw accusations around so freely. At first he was reacting in his old way, but now that I'm kind of setting the tone at a much lower volume, things are much easier. It helps that he actually sees how much booze has cost him in life. It's not just that it causes problems with me--it's screwed up his finances, his health. . . pretty much everything. It's only been a couple weeks though and I know better than to paint everything a rosy pink. But again, thank you.
Our conversations are a lot saner since I started going to meetings too. I can't say I'll never shriek at him again, but I'm learning to be calmer and not throw accusations around so freely. At first he was reacting in his old way, but now that I'm kind of setting the tone at a much lower volume, things are much easier. It helps that he actually sees how much booze has cost him in life. It's not just that it causes problems with me--it's screwed up his finances, his health. . . pretty much everything. It's only been a couple weeks though and I know better than to paint everything a rosy pink. But again, thank you.
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