feelings rush back in
up and out
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
feelings rush back in
hi everyone,
its been a while since i've posted. i've lurked a bit but became sort of complacent and did the hermit thing for a few weeks.
anyway, i'm posting about how just when you think you've kicked your feelings for someone they can sneak up and bite you in the butt. i've not had much contact with my exabf since christmas. let's see, there was the drunken phone call where he basically threatened me then there was the next drunken phone call begging me and my band to go play at a bar he was drinking at b/c the band scheduled to play cancelled. he actually offered me $200 to show up and sing with no music!!! i declined politely.
he called me about a week later but i did not answer my phone. also, his mother called around my son's birthday (he turned 14) and i didn't answer. she left a v/m asking me to call her with my mailing address so she could send my son a card.
short history so this will all make sense: from the time we began dating the exabf expected me to lie to his parents and conceal his drinking as he thought they would disown him if they found out the truth. they've already endured hell with him. after dating several months the truth came out to his parents and we had a secret relationship. they promised me they would NEVER reveal to him that i told them anything. things got out of hand so many times that i simply could not handle it without their help. this continued for about a year until christmas 06 when his mother revealed what had been going on to my ex. she knew very well how upset he would be if he ever found out and she broke her word to me. at that point i ended my relationship with his parents.
i know what you're thinking and NO, i will never do this again for anyone. this is all before i became aware......i am ashamed of what i've endured for this man.
i've not dated and i thought i was doing sooooo well despite that i wasn't going to my al anon meetings and not reading these boards as i used to.....life just seemed too busy.....
so i'm proud of how i've not allowed myself to get sucked back into his life. he really hasn't tried very hard though. he can be very persuasive. today i found out that he's got a girlfriend. he's apparently cycling through the ex's. she's a girl who has always been mysterious to me. it seems they dated before and while he was in prison (many DWI's) and she always seemed to pop up via text message, phone call or email while we were dating.
so i find out that they are now an 'item' and it bothers the hell outta me. it laid dormant until this morning when i found out. it shouldn't matter to me at all. i'm not hurt like i thought i would be. it just makes me miss the excitement we had in the beginning.......do you hear these sick thoughts coming out of my head????!!! classic, isn't it? i miss the excitement of the drama. i miss his old apartment, i miss the coffee shop next to his apartment, i miss his cologne, i miss the way he dressed so handsomely, i miss all the good things.
then i force myself to think of the way he did the jekly/hyde thing.....the way he looked so good when we would go out, only to look like a totally different person, with the skin literally hanging off his face he was so intoxicated. i force myself to remember the times he stayed out all night, never to call, only for me to hear from him the next day, lying to me, telling me he slept in a hotel alone the night before. i strain to recall happiness and then i'm okay.
but that lasts just for a while. its as if i have to keep remembering that there was an entire dark side to that relationship that i had with him. there were surely good times, great times but for every one great time there were three terrible, frustrating times when i had to go against everything i believed in to rescue or tolerate him and his abhorrent behaviour. i have to revisit that i compromised my standards so many times and was actually relieved when it ended.
but it bothers me that bothers me, ya know? its like i don't want to admit it bothers me and i secretly wish i would meet someone just like him minus the character defects..........sigh......one day at a time......
i simply have to surrender and want what God wants for me. that makes it all better. thank you for letting me rant.
its been a while since i've posted. i've lurked a bit but became sort of complacent and did the hermit thing for a few weeks.
anyway, i'm posting about how just when you think you've kicked your feelings for someone they can sneak up and bite you in the butt. i've not had much contact with my exabf since christmas. let's see, there was the drunken phone call where he basically threatened me then there was the next drunken phone call begging me and my band to go play at a bar he was drinking at b/c the band scheduled to play cancelled. he actually offered me $200 to show up and sing with no music!!! i declined politely.
he called me about a week later but i did not answer my phone. also, his mother called around my son's birthday (he turned 14) and i didn't answer. she left a v/m asking me to call her with my mailing address so she could send my son a card.
short history so this will all make sense: from the time we began dating the exabf expected me to lie to his parents and conceal his drinking as he thought they would disown him if they found out the truth. they've already endured hell with him. after dating several months the truth came out to his parents and we had a secret relationship. they promised me they would NEVER reveal to him that i told them anything. things got out of hand so many times that i simply could not handle it without their help. this continued for about a year until christmas 06 when his mother revealed what had been going on to my ex. she knew very well how upset he would be if he ever found out and she broke her word to me. at that point i ended my relationship with his parents.
i know what you're thinking and NO, i will never do this again for anyone. this is all before i became aware......i am ashamed of what i've endured for this man.
i've not dated and i thought i was doing sooooo well despite that i wasn't going to my al anon meetings and not reading these boards as i used to.....life just seemed too busy.....
so i'm proud of how i've not allowed myself to get sucked back into his life. he really hasn't tried very hard though. he can be very persuasive. today i found out that he's got a girlfriend. he's apparently cycling through the ex's. she's a girl who has always been mysterious to me. it seems they dated before and while he was in prison (many DWI's) and she always seemed to pop up via text message, phone call or email while we were dating.
so i find out that they are now an 'item' and it bothers the hell outta me. it laid dormant until this morning when i found out. it shouldn't matter to me at all. i'm not hurt like i thought i would be. it just makes me miss the excitement we had in the beginning.......do you hear these sick thoughts coming out of my head????!!! classic, isn't it? i miss the excitement of the drama. i miss his old apartment, i miss the coffee shop next to his apartment, i miss his cologne, i miss the way he dressed so handsomely, i miss all the good things.
then i force myself to think of the way he did the jekly/hyde thing.....the way he looked so good when we would go out, only to look like a totally different person, with the skin literally hanging off his face he was so intoxicated. i force myself to remember the times he stayed out all night, never to call, only for me to hear from him the next day, lying to me, telling me he slept in a hotel alone the night before. i strain to recall happiness and then i'm okay.
but that lasts just for a while. its as if i have to keep remembering that there was an entire dark side to that relationship that i had with him. there were surely good times, great times but for every one great time there were three terrible, frustrating times when i had to go against everything i believed in to rescue or tolerate him and his abhorrent behaviour. i have to revisit that i compromised my standards so many times and was actually relieved when it ended.
but it bothers me that bothers me, ya know? its like i don't want to admit it bothers me and i secretly wish i would meet someone just like him minus the character defects..........sigh......one day at a time......
i simply have to surrender and want what God wants for me. that makes it all better. thank you for letting me rant.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
nothing wrong with how you are feeling--you loved the man at one point--I guess you always will--but that person is gone now--and the new one has taken his place.You look in their eyes and they are just not there anymore.It is very hard.BUT you will get through it-and eventually find some one new and make new memories--happy ones--and do not be in too much in a rush for that either--you just got on your own take some time to find out who YOU are before letting anyone else into your life,,,,,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Hi appleblaster, Thanks for sharing that.
You have that radar too ?....
I like doing that..."I have a private life" routine from time to time too.
Can't hide nothing from my mom, even if i think she dosn't know...she knows.
It use to make me mad sometimes, when my mom would give my gf all kinds of gifts and stuff for nutt'in.
My mom just like doing that..she's just a giving person.
She trys to stay out of it and can't understand why we get all crazy sometimes.
But no matter what happens between my gf and I. My mom dosn't hate my gf.
Mom will always stand by my side. I'm her son.
She told me i will always be her little boy...in her eyes I'm still her baby.
She treast me like a child every time I visit.....that's way i only visit and don't live there.
You have that radar too ?....
I like doing that..."I have a private life" routine from time to time too.
Can't hide nothing from my mom, even if i think she dosn't know...she knows.
It use to make me mad sometimes, when my mom would give my gf all kinds of gifts and stuff for nutt'in.
My mom just like doing that..she's just a giving person.
She trys to stay out of it and can't understand why we get all crazy sometimes.
But no matter what happens between my gf and I. My mom dosn't hate my gf.
Mom will always stand by my side. I'm her son.
She told me i will always be her little boy...in her eyes I'm still her baby.
She treast me like a child every time I visit.....that's way i only visit and don't live there.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
appleblaster:
I went through that before.....you made some statements
right off the bat that show you have a good insight as to
what kicked off these emotions.
" became sort of complacent and did the hermit thing for a few weeks".
"just when you think you've kicked your feelings for someone they can sneak up and bite you in the butt."
"She's a girl who has always been mysterious to me. It seems they dated before and while he was in prison (many DWI's) and she always seemed to pop up via text message, phone call or email while we were dating."
"So I find out that they are now an 'item' and it bothers the hell outta me. It laid dormant until this morning when I found out. It shouldn't matter to me at all."
Apple:
The mystery and not knowing of this past relationship that your ex could
or could not have had with this woman while with you started the heart
beating faster. An instantaneous chemical reaction caused by the recall of
those phone calls, text messages, and emails that caused crazy horrible
panicky co dependent feelings just came right up.
Don't mistake the fast beating heart for forgotten love or the thought of
her having him.
You have a right to vent, rant, and rave if you believe you were cheated
on, but do it safely. You can tell us, other friends, journal, a therapist,
support group, whatever you choose.
I am hard headed and controlling, and did it the hard way, and how it
backfired. I asked him, pounded and cried, forced my way back in, and
found she was not the only one. One of many. I got drunk and then went
and did it myself.
It seems your head is on straighter than mine was, thank God.
This particular situation is in black and white. But protect yourself.
No more hibernation. Did that too. Not good for the soul for too long.
Welcome back.
Love,
:
Sherry
I went through that before.....you made some statements
right off the bat that show you have a good insight as to
what kicked off these emotions.
" became sort of complacent and did the hermit thing for a few weeks".
"just when you think you've kicked your feelings for someone they can sneak up and bite you in the butt."
"She's a girl who has always been mysterious to me. It seems they dated before and while he was in prison (many DWI's) and she always seemed to pop up via text message, phone call or email while we were dating."
"So I find out that they are now an 'item' and it bothers the hell outta me. It laid dormant until this morning when I found out. It shouldn't matter to me at all."
Apple:
The mystery and not knowing of this past relationship that your ex could
or could not have had with this woman while with you started the heart
beating faster. An instantaneous chemical reaction caused by the recall of
those phone calls, text messages, and emails that caused crazy horrible
panicky co dependent feelings just came right up.
Don't mistake the fast beating heart for forgotten love or the thought of
her having him.
You have a right to vent, rant, and rave if you believe you were cheated
on, but do it safely. You can tell us, other friends, journal, a therapist,
support group, whatever you choose.
I am hard headed and controlling, and did it the hard way, and how it
backfired. I asked him, pounded and cried, forced my way back in, and
found she was not the only one. One of many. I got drunk and then went
and did it myself.
It seems your head is on straighter than mine was, thank God.
This particular situation is in black and white. But protect yourself.
No more hibernation. Did that too. Not good for the soul for too long.
Welcome back.
Love,
:Sherry
Last edited by IO Storm; 04-09-2007 at 02:59 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
It sounds to me you were 'pretty ok' with the split until you found out someone else was in his life. Your human and that's a normal reaction. BTDT myself!
It's ok and normal to long for, or rather 'miss' the good that there once was, provided that we view the 'whole picture' - both the good and the bad. It was a struggle for me to 'not be fooled' by the good memories. Thankfully, my common sense won out!
Keeping the 'whole' picture in perspective is what helps me.
It's ok and normal to long for, or rather 'miss' the good that there once was, provided that we view the 'whole picture' - both the good and the bad. It was a struggle for me to 'not be fooled' by the good memories. Thankfully, my common sense won out!
Keeping the 'whole' picture in perspective is what helps me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 5
I went through a similar thing with an ex and was kicking myself, imagining this "great" new relationship of his, until my shrink asked, "Do you think he's nice and wonderful and giving and has changed into a totally different person because he's with her?"
Er, no. The bottom line is, he's someone else's headache now. In time you'll count yourself lucky.
Er, no. The bottom line is, he's someone else's headache now. In time you'll count yourself lucky.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by nervous_nell 
The bottom line is, he's someone else's headache now. In time you'll count yourself lucky.
that's what i keep reminding myself too, knowing my ex is now with the person she cheated on me with. apple, unless your bf begins a recovery program and is able to get at least a year under his belt, these same problems and issues he brought to your table will end up being brought to hers. you will come out on top here, i can promise you that.
would you really go through the drama that you went through with him again?? sometimes i think i would, but then i remember the nights crying myself to sleep, the days where i was sick to my stomach, the times i felt unloved and second place to a can of beer.
up and out
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Good question Harley. They did know. Through his parents I came to find out that he's had addiction/alcohol issues since he was 13! Once he got out of prision he promised his parents he would never touch the stuff again, never drink, etc. This is why they thought he had kicked it. They wanted him to feel there was still hope so they bought him a car, got him an apartment in one of the most expensive places in town, set him up in it, etc. Gave him the prodigal son's welcome......fatted calf and all that jazz.
In return he promised not to drink but was quickly up to his old tricks that landed him in prision in the first place. I was forbidden not to tell them. The secret was too much for me to carry. It was such a relief when it all came out.
They are even better enablers than I am. They however do not see it that way. One of the last things his mother asked me was "do you think there is any amount of money or anything we could get him that would make him stop drinking?" My answer was "you really haven't learned anything, have you?"
In return he promised not to drink but was quickly up to his old tricks that landed him in prision in the first place. I was forbidden not to tell them. The secret was too much for me to carry. It was such a relief when it all came out.
They are even better enablers than I am. They however do not see it that way. One of the last things his mother asked me was "do you think there is any amount of money or anything we could get him that would make him stop drinking?" My answer was "you really haven't learned anything, have you?"
up and out
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Oh No In This For Me, I would never want to go back to that. As you've all said, whatever problems we had will now be in their relationship. It just really made me miss the beginning. I really want that back. I guess we all would like something so magical and exciting. But I saw it for the codie behaviour it is.....missing the excitement of the drama.
When things between them don't go right, he will contact me. That's how it usually works. He had a girlfriend last year and it just about killed me. He ended up getting her pergnant then abandoning her. Not good. I let him know I did not approve of that behaviour. Actually I feel sorry for the girl (she had an abortion) but it reminds me of the pond life i'm dealing with here.
You all are precious. Thank you for reminding me. This is like one big al anon meeting.
When things between them don't go right, he will contact me. That's how it usually works. He had a girlfriend last year and it just about killed me. He ended up getting her pergnant then abandoning her. Not good. I let him know I did not approve of that behaviour. Actually I feel sorry for the girl (she had an abortion) but it reminds me of the pond life i'm dealing with here.
You all are precious. Thank you for reminding me. This is like one big al anon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
that's what i keep reminding myself too, knowing my ex is now with the person she cheated on me with. apple, unless your bf begins a recovery program and is able to get at least a year under his belt, these same problems and issues he brought to your table will end up being brought to hers. you will come out on top here, i can promise you that.
would you really go through the drama that you went through with him again?? sometimes i think i would, but then i remember the nights crying myself to sleep, the days where i was sick to my stomach, the times i felt unloved and second place to a can of beer.
would you really go through the drama that you went through with him again?? sometimes i think i would, but then i remember the nights crying myself to sleep, the days where i was sick to my stomach, the times i felt unloved and second place to a can of beer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
mtb - maybe your happy ending isn't supposed to be with him 
maybe he will try to get back with her, maybe she won't want him anymore, maybe she's moved onto someone else, maybe she doesn't trust him just like you don't, maybe everything would be perfect for a year or two and then fall apart again. maybe someone better will come along for you... maybe he isn't your happy ever after after all!
sorry for hijacking... just felt the need to respond
maybe he will try to get back with her, maybe she won't want him anymore, maybe she's moved onto someone else, maybe she doesn't trust him just like you don't, maybe everything would be perfect for a year or two and then fall apart again. maybe someone better will come along for you... maybe he isn't your happy ever after after all!
sorry for hijacking... just felt the need to respond
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Wow..thanks Apple for this timely post. You have described both the behaviours and my sporadic feelings about my exAbf. Abandoning a woman he impregnated...nice. My ex did same thing to his ex...then to me. Nice. Yep, it's rather disgusting that we can miss these prince charmings...or feel jealousy when they become someone else's nightmare. Been there, done that. I was dangerously close to nervous breakdown when I heard rumour my ex shacked up with a stripper after our split. She was smarter than I...she dumped his sorry self in VERY short order. My ex could be charming and wonderful..but basically he is a drunken/addict with all the lovely qualities that go with this affliction. As long as he's drunk and using he will only cause pain for anyone in his path..especially himself.
up and out
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
this man was quite a charmer. one look at him and you would have no earthly idea he went to prison for two years. he dresses very nice, smells good, apartment always impeccable, very worldly, intelligent, etc. the man of my dreams.......only a raging alcoholic. but he had me very fooled. i'll bet i was a shining blip on his radar screen.
the first time we broke up (of course you know there are many, many breakups and reunions with the exabf's) one of my friends said his behaviour had narcissistic traits.....so of course being the codie I am, I immersed myself in research on sociopathic types.
what I learned was incredible and also applies to non-narcissistic people. its common sense but when I read it everything came together. it was talked about as "narcissistic supply" but we can also name it "alcoholic supply." Its all about how we supply the alcoholic with what they need....the rescuing, ego massage, nurturing, favors, scapegoat, etc. when they 'exhaust' one supply they move on to another. they choose people who they know are highly capable of meeting their needs. this girl my ex is dating is a fantastic source of supply in the sense that she has durability. he talked about her while we were together like a lowlife. im sure that was part of his game. she'll take much more than I ever will and he cannot cycle through any other ex's b/c they won't have anything to do with him. i sorta feel sorry for her. she reminds me of myself before i became aware. she's in for a looooong haul.
before we stopped talking, his mother said it was his m.o. that right before he is about to get out of trouble, he screws up and gets into worse trouble. his parole is up to end this month. she said they will be on pins and needles. i'm soooooo glad its not me having to deal with this. he's recycling an old 'supply'.
So its not ground-breaking stuff but it keeps me in check. Once again, reminding me that I didn't create it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.
the first time we broke up (of course you know there are many, many breakups and reunions with the exabf's) one of my friends said his behaviour had narcissistic traits.....so of course being the codie I am, I immersed myself in research on sociopathic types.
what I learned was incredible and also applies to non-narcissistic people. its common sense but when I read it everything came together. it was talked about as "narcissistic supply" but we can also name it "alcoholic supply." Its all about how we supply the alcoholic with what they need....the rescuing, ego massage, nurturing, favors, scapegoat, etc. when they 'exhaust' one supply they move on to another. they choose people who they know are highly capable of meeting their needs. this girl my ex is dating is a fantastic source of supply in the sense that she has durability. he talked about her while we were together like a lowlife. im sure that was part of his game. she'll take much more than I ever will and he cannot cycle through any other ex's b/c they won't have anything to do with him. i sorta feel sorry for her. she reminds me of myself before i became aware. she's in for a looooong haul.
before we stopped talking, his mother said it was his m.o. that right before he is about to get out of trouble, he screws up and gets into worse trouble. his parole is up to end this month. she said they will be on pins and needles. i'm soooooo glad its not me having to deal with this. he's recycling an old 'supply'.
So its not ground-breaking stuff but it keeps me in check. Once again, reminding me that I didn't create it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by appleblaster
...Its all about how we supply the alcoholic with what they need....the rescuing, ego massage, nurturing, favors, scapegoat, etc. when they 'exhaust' one supply they move on to another. they choose people who they know are highly capable of meeting their needs... i sorta feel sorry for her. she reminds me of myself before i became aware. she's in for a looooong haul.
wow, that was an eye opener. and you're right, she is in for a VERY long haul... things might look all rosy for them for a little while, as it did for all of us, but the truth will come out eventually.
by the way, is there any articles or readings you can direct me to referring to the above? i'd be very interested to learn more.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by appleblaster
the first time we broke up (of course you know there are many, many breakups and reunions with the exabf's) one of my friends said his behaviour had narcissistic traits.....so of course being the codie I am, I immersed myself in research on sociopathic types.
And ya, why the hell do they have to smell so nice? Hmmm...he was always immersed in ever so expensive cologne to mask the booze and pot smell I guesss.
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