i nd some advice
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
i nd some advice
i posted on the holiday thread yesterday about my ah starting a fight with me while i was on my way home from work sat nght . heres a recap and the update ..
i knew it was coming , he told me he was leaving when i got home , i told him okay . when i got home he stalled getting his jacket & shoes , acting like he was being so inconvenienced by having to leave , meanwhile i never told him to go , he offered . he left .. i colored eggs w/the kids and put them to bed with an Easter prayer . then proceded to play Easter bunny , like I do every year alone but at least he wasnt here this time ! hid the eggs , made the baskets , did some laundry , went to sleep . my son woke me up at 7am wanting to find eggs , the rest of the kids got up shortly after . we hunted for eggs , had a great time , ate breakfast & went to church .
ah surfaced about 11am with a text msg to have the kids call him . i told him no , they called him twice alrdy and would not call him back , i told him we were going to my sisters for the Holiday and he had better use the day to pack his bags and find another place to live . He responded with the normal ...'dont throw this in my face , you knew i wasnt coming home all night' and the best 'if you want to leave go ahead but im not going anywhere and you can leave the kids here with me' ... blah blah blah .. all went in one ear and out the other . packed up the kids and had a great Easter w/my family .
he sent one text msg something like ... On the Holiest of days I just want to die .. if we are over you btr hope evelyn answers her phone today (thats his counselor) .. i didnt respond .
kids & i got home and sure enough , he is here watching tv ... now i cant say anything to him because our kids are there and running to him with kisses and stuffed bunnys in their hands . aft about an hour i had all the kids in bed and went to him and asked what he was doing . he was like , nothing just watching tv ... im like HELLO!!!! .. I told him I wanted him to move out , i couldnt be a part of his recovery because he wasnt ready or serious about it . (he was in rehab all summer but has 'slipped' if you will, several times since) when i asked him when the last time he drank was he said .. now hold onto your hats .. last night ! OMG your kidding !
he told me i was never supportive , never part of his recovery and i do nothing but degrade him and call him names ... if you consider calling him a liar and a manipulator names, than yes , i call him names (truth hurts). he then said he has an appt on wed w/his counselor and we will see what happens then .. WHAT ? Didnt u hear me ?? . I told him again I was no longer on this journey with him , its not healthy for me or the kids and i need to take care of us now and he will have to take care of him . he then told me that i sucked for making him feel this way , even though he knows its his fault cause he nds me to make him happy , hes sorry but thought i knew that and i should be flattered ... now my heads really spinning . could he be and alcoholic and co-dependent ? and how do i get him to leave when my kids are here ? i dont want them to witness a scene but i also dont want to be manipulated my him anymore and i feel thats what hes doing to get to stay here . Holidays suck!
i knew it was coming , he told me he was leaving when i got home , i told him okay . when i got home he stalled getting his jacket & shoes , acting like he was being so inconvenienced by having to leave , meanwhile i never told him to go , he offered . he left .. i colored eggs w/the kids and put them to bed with an Easter prayer . then proceded to play Easter bunny , like I do every year alone but at least he wasnt here this time ! hid the eggs , made the baskets , did some laundry , went to sleep . my son woke me up at 7am wanting to find eggs , the rest of the kids got up shortly after . we hunted for eggs , had a great time , ate breakfast & went to church .
ah surfaced about 11am with a text msg to have the kids call him . i told him no , they called him twice alrdy and would not call him back , i told him we were going to my sisters for the Holiday and he had better use the day to pack his bags and find another place to live . He responded with the normal ...'dont throw this in my face , you knew i wasnt coming home all night' and the best 'if you want to leave go ahead but im not going anywhere and you can leave the kids here with me' ... blah blah blah .. all went in one ear and out the other . packed up the kids and had a great Easter w/my family .
he sent one text msg something like ... On the Holiest of days I just want to die .. if we are over you btr hope evelyn answers her phone today (thats his counselor) .. i didnt respond .
kids & i got home and sure enough , he is here watching tv ... now i cant say anything to him because our kids are there and running to him with kisses and stuffed bunnys in their hands . aft about an hour i had all the kids in bed and went to him and asked what he was doing . he was like , nothing just watching tv ... im like HELLO!!!! .. I told him I wanted him to move out , i couldnt be a part of his recovery because he wasnt ready or serious about it . (he was in rehab all summer but has 'slipped' if you will, several times since) when i asked him when the last time he drank was he said .. now hold onto your hats .. last night ! OMG your kidding !
he told me i was never supportive , never part of his recovery and i do nothing but degrade him and call him names ... if you consider calling him a liar and a manipulator names, than yes , i call him names (truth hurts). he then said he has an appt on wed w/his counselor and we will see what happens then .. WHAT ? Didnt u hear me ?? . I told him again I was no longer on this journey with him , its not healthy for me or the kids and i need to take care of us now and he will have to take care of him . he then told me that i sucked for making him feel this way , even though he knows its his fault cause he nds me to make him happy , hes sorry but thought i knew that and i should be flattered ... now my heads really spinning . could he be and alcoholic and co-dependent ? and how do i get him to leave when my kids are here ? i dont want them to witness a scene but i also dont want to be manipulated my him anymore and i feel thats what hes doing to get to stay here . Holidays suck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
new jersey? i just watched season premiere of sopranos. know any of them???? just kidding, just kidding.
everything your hubs is saying could have fallen right off the lips of my xah.
my xah reasoning was so warped and mine became that way too, after having it drilled into my head.
you sound as if you are onto his game, at least....that is good.
i'm grateful that you were able to make a good day for yourself and your children.....good for you!!!!
everything your hubs is saying could have fallen right off the lips of my xah.
my xah reasoning was so warped and mine became that way too, after having it drilled into my head.
you sound as if you are onto his game, at least....that is good.
i'm grateful that you were able to make a good day for yourself and your children.....good for you!!!!
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
update .. its monday afternoon . he left the house early this mrng to go to the methadone clinic for his daily dose . he wouldnt come home until i was ready to leave for work , cause 'you dont want to see me' ... well no i dont , how kind of you to notice . my 3 older kids are in school and i had his mom come over to stay with the baby (who did celebrate her 1st Easter w/out her dad , one more thing to make me resent him) . i left for work and called his counselor .. she wanted to talk to jeff .. he called her and is now going back to rehab ... 4th time.
problem is he is still saying things to make me believe he is doing this for me . to save our marriage and keep our family together . no matter how many times i tell him if he does this for any other reason then wanting to live a clean and sober life for himself its not going to work , he tells me i dont know what im talking about and i have no idea .
should i just stop talking ? am i making it worse ?
problem is he is still saying things to make me believe he is doing this for me . to save our marriage and keep our family together . no matter how many times i tell him if he does this for any other reason then wanting to live a clean and sober life for himself its not going to work , he tells me i dont know what im talking about and i have no idea .
should i just stop talking ? am i making it worse ?
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thank you parentrecovers .. i havent been but know that i have to . i feel like its a cop-out to say i dont have time but the reality is that i dont .. i have 4 kids , work on mon fri and sat , 9 hr shifts w/a 1 hr commute so im out of the house those days for about 11 - 12 hrs . when my ah is home he is of no help and now that he isnt home hes really of no help so on tue wed & thurs im taking kids to ccd class , gymnastics , tball practice & games . i havent looked to see the times . i can possibly do tue wed or thurs in the afternoon but i have a baby and im not sure what the rules are on bringing her ....
i do know that i wouldnt have so many darn questions about it if i just did an itsy bit of research and found out !! lol
i do know that i wouldnt have so many darn questions about it if i just did an itsy bit of research and found out !! lol
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey LG,
I'm an alcoholic and yep, a lot of codie in me too. It has been said that there is a codependent at the heart of every alcoholic. I hope you don't mind me saying..but neither the drunk nor the codie take very good care of themselves...it's pretty much how we feel about and care for ourselves. A codie looking after a drunk isn't looking after themselves. A drunk getting drunk all the time isn't looking after themselves.
From your post, it sounds like you have hit your "bottom"...you've had enough of this manchild's antics and self pity. Good on you. Doesn't mean it's easy or not painful..quite the contrary.
Your strength and hope is an inspiration to others who share a similar story. I know I admire ya.
I'm an alcoholic and yep, a lot of codie in me too. It has been said that there is a codependent at the heart of every alcoholic. I hope you don't mind me saying..but neither the drunk nor the codie take very good care of themselves...it's pretty much how we feel about and care for ourselves. A codie looking after a drunk isn't looking after themselves. A drunk getting drunk all the time isn't looking after themselves.
From your post, it sounds like you have hit your "bottom"...you've had enough of this manchild's antics and self pity. Good on you. Doesn't mean it's easy or not painful..quite the contrary.
Your strength and hope is an inspiration to others who share a similar story. I know I admire ya.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
The situation with your Ahubby sounds like so many pages from my life. He would lie, endlessly try to convince me he wasn't drinking, that it was my fault he couldn't live at home because I was being so unreasonable ... and yes my husband was very dependent on me. Nearly everyone that got to know my husband very well felt he couldn't function without me - even though he was a very assertive (aggressive?) individual, evidently he felt he needed me in his life. I also many times felt like he considered his children and I possessions .. not people he truly cared about and whose affection needed to be earned not demanded.
My AH would get very stubborn and tell me that it was HIS house and he would stay there with the kids and I could leave. All I could do is tell him there was no chance he could get custody of the kids and if he really cared about them, he would let us have a quiet, sane household ... and all he had to do was maintain long term sobriety before I could reconsider him moving back home. I told him everything was in his hands .. he had been given many seconds chances and always went back on his word. I told him the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and that he needed to make premanent changes - that I was helpless to change his behavior. Eventually he realized I wasn't backing down and he lived elsewhere. He still came over from time to time when he behaved himself, and our house became so much calmer and sane - and I regained some self respect for not allowing someone to treat me as he had and still live here like nothing was wrong.
Separating wasn't easy or a perfect situation - but it was far better than coexisting with the insanity of addiction. I have always felt that as long as an alcoholic remains active, there will be no happy ending when there are children involved - you can never completely eliminate the influence of the alcoholic on your family and your kids will always be left wondering why they were never important enough for their dad to stop drinking... whether he lives with you or not. Unless he choses to turn his life around completely .. you can only do the best you can to separate the destructive behaviors from your lives.
My AH would get very stubborn and tell me that it was HIS house and he would stay there with the kids and I could leave. All I could do is tell him there was no chance he could get custody of the kids and if he really cared about them, he would let us have a quiet, sane household ... and all he had to do was maintain long term sobriety before I could reconsider him moving back home. I told him everything was in his hands .. he had been given many seconds chances and always went back on his word. I told him the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and that he needed to make premanent changes - that I was helpless to change his behavior. Eventually he realized I wasn't backing down and he lived elsewhere. He still came over from time to time when he behaved himself, and our house became so much calmer and sane - and I regained some self respect for not allowing someone to treat me as he had and still live here like nothing was wrong.
Separating wasn't easy or a perfect situation - but it was far better than coexisting with the insanity of addiction. I have always felt that as long as an alcoholic remains active, there will be no happy ending when there are children involved - you can never completely eliminate the influence of the alcoholic on your family and your kids will always be left wondering why they were never important enough for their dad to stop drinking... whether he lives with you or not. Unless he choses to turn his life around completely .. you can only do the best you can to separate the destructive behaviors from your lives.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
