So, so torn!
Hug giver-outer!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
So, so torn!
Mr. M and I have been wondering if AD would call before Easter to see what we were doing or to ask to come over. I had mentioned it to her in passing a couple weeks ago. Of course, she did NOT.
However, just before noon today she called from work (works at a fast-food place) to say hi and wanted to know what we were doing for Easter. We had been invited to go over to friends' house this evening but we had declined so we could just have a quiet day at home. I told her we were just hanging around today and had plans this evening. She wanted to know if I could come pick her and GD up to come over this evening for dinner!!!
Again, the last minute plans, which she knows kills me. I told her that I was surprised she would call on Easter morning to express a desire to come be with us today. She said that she was supposed to go somewhere but the plans didn't work out. I guess we were the best fill-in. I lied and told her that we were going to friends' house and told her that she had to respect that we have a life and have plans that we make when she doesn't call ahead of time. She was into her "well, I guess if you don't want to see us, that's ok!!" I said, "No, that's NOT ok. You cannot turn this around to play into your mind's scenario. If you want to have us come get you and come over for dinner, you need to be considerate enough to make some advance plans or you have to respect that we may have made others"!
We are getting so tired of her calling at the last moment and then getting mad at us. I refuse to allow her to dictate our lives, even if it's just for us to have a quiet time at home. I feel so torn but I do feel that we are doing the right thing. We cannot let her "guilt" us into doing what she wants when she wants it. I'm not trying to play a game with her; I just want her to realize that her actions do have consequences, which she seems to have absolutely no sense of.
Lord, give me strength!!!
Hugs,
marteen
However, just before noon today she called from work (works at a fast-food place) to say hi and wanted to know what we were doing for Easter. We had been invited to go over to friends' house this evening but we had declined so we could just have a quiet day at home. I told her we were just hanging around today and had plans this evening. She wanted to know if I could come pick her and GD up to come over this evening for dinner!!!
Again, the last minute plans, which she knows kills me. I told her that I was surprised she would call on Easter morning to express a desire to come be with us today. She said that she was supposed to go somewhere but the plans didn't work out. I guess we were the best fill-in. I lied and told her that we were going to friends' house and told her that she had to respect that we have a life and have plans that we make when she doesn't call ahead of time. She was into her "well, I guess if you don't want to see us, that's ok!!" I said, "No, that's NOT ok. You cannot turn this around to play into your mind's scenario. If you want to have us come get you and come over for dinner, you need to be considerate enough to make some advance plans or you have to respect that we may have made others"!
We are getting so tired of her calling at the last moment and then getting mad at us. I refuse to allow her to dictate our lives, even if it's just for us to have a quiet time at home. I feel so torn but I do feel that we are doing the right thing. We cannot let her "guilt" us into doing what she wants when she wants it. I'm not trying to play a game with her; I just want her to realize that her actions do have consequences, which she seems to have absolutely no sense of.
Lord, give me strength!!!
Hugs,
marteen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
marteen,
i hope you have a happy easter in spite of the inconsiderations - is that an addict thing? - my sister has always been inconsiderate - never thinking of anyone but herself - she's been like that since she was little - i wonder...
well i hope you can have a peaceful easter...
love,
s
i hope you have a happy easter in spite of the inconsiderations - is that an addict thing? - my sister has always been inconsiderate - never thinking of anyone but herself - she's been like that since she was little - i wonder...
well i hope you can have a peaceful easter...
love,
s
Hug giver-outer!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
I think you are right. AD has been like that since she was little but she used to "have" to work at it. Now, in her addiction, she makes no bones about it being all about her! I hate it.
Thanks, and we are having a nice Easter and a nice day despite it. She's probably more upset about us not "jumping" than we are.
Thanks, and we are having a nice Easter and a nice day despite it. She's probably more upset about us not "jumping" than we are.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Marteen, It could also be that she does not want to make future plans because she does not know from day to day where her addiction is going to take her. I messaged my daughter on her abf's phone and invited her today, but she has not even bothered to message me back. Either she did not get the message or is ignoring. Addiction ahhhhh!!!! it sucks. But I think that you did the right thing in telling her that you have other plans. Maybe the next time she will plan ahead
Hugs, Marle
Hugs, Marle
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Marteen))))))
You did the right thing, sweetie. Even though I know it hurt your
"mom" heart. I love ya, and hope you have a quiet and relaxing
evening.
Active addicts! They seem to think we just wait in the wings.
Sending prayers for serenity.
Love ya,
You did the right thing, sweetie. Even though I know it hurt your
"mom" heart. I love ya, and hope you have a quiet and relaxing
evening.
Active addicts! They seem to think we just wait in the wings.
Sending prayers for serenity.
Love ya,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with how you handled this 100%.
I used to call my son, maybe on Thursday to ask him if he'd like to come for Sunday dinner. He'd often try to reply "I'll see" or "I'll let you know" and I used to tell him that there were only two acceptable answers, either "Yes, I'd be delighted" or "No thank you, maybe some other time."
Like you, I hate last minute plans and refuse the adjust my life every 5 minutes to fit with anyone else's.
She'll learn, and she WILL learn because you are teaching her what is and is not acceptable.
Hugs and Happy Easter
I used to call my son, maybe on Thursday to ask him if he'd like to come for Sunday dinner. He'd often try to reply "I'll see" or "I'll let you know" and I used to tell him that there were only two acceptable answers, either "Yes, I'd be delighted" or "No thank you, maybe some other time."
Like you, I hate last minute plans and refuse the adjust my life every 5 minutes to fit with anyone else's.
She'll learn, and she WILL learn because you are teaching her what is and is not acceptable.
Hugs and Happy Easter
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on the Ocean Blue
Posts: 272
Gosh Marteen there have been some good answers here! - my AD called last week and wanted to do something this weekend - she even had a gift for me I was wanting to try out ( walking pole) - no calls or e-mails yet and it's getting near dinner time - of course I never got anything special either but I would have enjoyed a store bought BBQ chicken and Greek salad in the forest hiking - lots of good memories of walks I had with her - Prepare for the worst HOPE for the BEST - I sometimes feel guilty doing that - is that normal??? Thanks again all you wise Moms who answered Marteen ((HUGS))
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I think if she had respect for you her last minute plans probably wouldn't bother you...
If I did this to my parents they would love it, but if my brother did it, they'd react the same way you did.
The difference is I've always shown them respect, he never does. Or there's usually some benefit or some gain in his plan in it for him, it's not just hey I want to come and see you.....
When I do it they don't have to worry about, Oh now what does she want, or what's going to happen to night, or this or that....
~~~~~~~~~
It's never just that simple w/her.... Or there's never just a phone call to say,
I love you, or Hi.... So don't worry about it, Chill and have a nice evening..
You deserve it, guilt free...
If I did this to my parents they would love it, but if my brother did it, they'd react the same way you did.
The difference is I've always shown them respect, he never does. Or there's usually some benefit or some gain in his plan in it for him, it's not just hey I want to come and see you.....
When I do it they don't have to worry about, Oh now what does she want, or what's going to happen to night, or this or that....
~~~~~~~~~
It's never just that simple w/her.... Or there's never just a phone call to say,
I love you, or Hi.... So don't worry about it, Chill and have a nice evening..
You deserve it, guilt free...
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I think you did well Marteen. Having quiet time alone is plans as much as going out is plans.
I jealously guard my quiet time alone these days.
You have a Happy Easter doing the quiet time thing. I had 8 ppl over.. I am jealous of you! Well it is done and all cleaned up now.. but quiet time is just as important as socializing.. maybe more so.
I jealously guard my quiet time alone these days.
You have a Happy Easter doing the quiet time thing. I had 8 ppl over.. I am jealous of you! Well it is done and all cleaned up now.. but quiet time is just as important as socializing.. maybe more so.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
We are getting so tired of her calling at the last moment and then getting mad at us.
You may feel a little of that mom guilt we have trouble with sometimes, but I think you know what is right for you...So proud that you stuck to your guns and did it for all the right reasons. She will get it in time. Hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Marteen
You have always been an inspiration for me since I joined here at SR. We both have an AD in common. I have gained strength from your posts and again I have with this one.
I feel you did the right thing. Probably the hardest thing, but the right one. I would love to hear my daughter's voice, I sent her a Easter card, but haven't heard a word from her.
"Expect nothing and don't be disappointed"
I hope you have a nice visit with your friends tonight.
Hugs and Happy Easter to you
Terri
You have always been an inspiration for me since I joined here at SR. We both have an AD in common. I have gained strength from your posts and again I have with this one.
I feel you did the right thing. Probably the hardest thing, but the right one. I would love to hear my daughter's voice, I sent her a Easter card, but haven't heard a word from her.
"Expect nothing and don't be disappointed"
I hope you have a nice visit with your friends tonight.
Hugs and Happy Easter to you
Terri
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Marteen)))
Consider it a learning experience for HER.
What I have found in my sons addictions is, that, it seems when they first started using drugs, their maturity, or growing emotionally stopped. It's going to take alot of time and patience to make them understand this learning curve. You are teaching her how to treat others, and I think it's a good thing.
Also another thing I've noticed regarding addiction, is it's all about me me me when they are not in recovery, and sometimes those traits stay even after they have been in recovery for a long time.
Hugs,
Consider it a learning experience for HER.
What I have found in my sons addictions is, that, it seems when they first started using drugs, their maturity, or growing emotionally stopped. It's going to take alot of time and patience to make them understand this learning curve. You are teaching her how to treat others, and I think it's a good thing.
Also another thing I've noticed regarding addiction, is it's all about me me me when they are not in recovery, and sometimes those traits stay even after they have been in recovery for a long time.
Hugs,
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Addicts don't make dependable plans. Your boundaries and strength shine Marteen.
Happy Easter to you and Mr Marteen.
I've been in Expect Nothing mode for a long time and it is another key to peace.
Happy Easter to you and Mr Marteen.
I've been in Expect Nothing mode for a long time and it is another key to peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
I kind of know what your going through. My as emailed my daughter to see if we thought he could come home for Easter. She never gave him an answer. However, I did see him last week for the first time in about 4 weeks and he never mentioned the holiday to me. He came back to our house for more clothes, ( he was kicked out a month ago and is living with a friend).
I'm glad he didn't want to come over for Easter, even though we really didn't do anything, but I was kind of hurt that I didn't get a phone call from him either. He supposedly has been clean for 4 weeks, but I just never know. I did miss him today though.
I'm glad he didn't want to come over for Easter, even though we really didn't do anything, but I was kind of hurt that I didn't get a phone call from him either. He supposedly has been clean for 4 weeks, but I just never know. I did miss him today though.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I was glad Done posted what she did. It may be the alcoholic in me, but I have less trouble with the last minute stuff. I figure, if I'm here, fine... if not, your loss (ok, I may have to work on that who low self-esteem thing...not! grin).
But Mr. Big HATES not having concrete plans... for EVERYthing. Yet, he will jump at a chance to see the grandson... even at the last minute. I think because AD treats him with respect (mostly), he doesn't mind as much with her.
Me? I'm more likely to show up at MY mom's without warning... and if she's gone... MY loss!
Oh... I know, I live in a very unorganized way. Which is why God hooked me up with Mr. Big... for balance.
Prayers your AD can find someone to bring that into her life as well. It's worked out ok for me!
(((Marteen)))
But Mr. Big HATES not having concrete plans... for EVERYthing. Yet, he will jump at a chance to see the grandson... even at the last minute. I think because AD treats him with respect (mostly), he doesn't mind as much with her.
Me? I'm more likely to show up at MY mom's without warning... and if she's gone... MY loss!
Oh... I know, I live in a very unorganized way. Which is why God hooked me up with Mr. Big... for balance.
Prayers your AD can find someone to bring that into her life as well. It's worked out ok for me!
(((Marteen)))
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