love addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: coventry
Posts: 4
love addict
I have found myself here by some miracle, on Easter Sunday after pleading for somewhere to go for help.
This may be a long post so thanks in advance to all who take the time to read it.
I am not an addict in the sense that I abuse alcohol, or drugs , or sex or any of the usual addictive substances. I am discovering though, that I do have an addictive personality and my addiction is love.
Background.
My mother left me with my dad when I was 4, for over a year they both lied about her leaving, she came back each morning before I woke and left each night after I went to sleep.Eventually a neighbour enlightened me .There was no custody battle between them over me, I simply didn't fit into the new life, with her new man, and so was discarded apart from the occasional weekend, when she could fit me in. My dad went into a deep depression and my care was left to my Godparents who lived next door.
I was sexually abused by them, raped, photographed and handed around their friends , this happpened frequently until I was 15 , I have never worked out why I didn't tell anyone, perhaps because I felt I had no-one who would listen.
After a few years my father bought in a woman who I was told to call " auntie " . Auntie, who I nicknamed AJ was an alcoholic with a very closed past which she never talked about.She was a hard and domineering woman and I was 7 when she moved in, first sharing a room with me, and then with my dad. She had no children of her own. Life with AJ was a series of punishments, not physical .If I offended her she would refuse to acknowledge me, sometimes for weeks. Not just stop talking to me, but act as if I were invisible.She would tell my dad about some childish misdemeanour and although I'm not sure he always believed her, he backed her up, I guess for the sake of his own peace. At age 8 I came home from school to find she had gievn away all of the stuffed toy animals I collected as I " Was too old to play with things like that, and anyway I didn't deserve them "
I had a passion for horses and she spent a month promising me that if I was good, at the end of the month, I would have one.At the end of the month she simply said " But you weren't good enough "
My mother meanwhile married a man, a good man I admit, who was 10 years younger than her, at that time he was 23 . On a rare day at her home I was playing outside with some neighbour's children when one of them said to me " Your aunt is a lot older than her husband isn't she ? " Yes she had told them all I was her niece and that she looked after me from time to time.She told me that she'd said this because her husband wasn't old enough to have a child my age.
Moving on, I was an only child with little self esteem, if I was ill I wasn't believed but made to get up and go to school anyway.As my teen years approached I became very promiscuous and had many partners.At 16 I got married to a man in the armed forces and left home to move to his base. I got pregnant, had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again, I had a beautiful son who is now 23.After 4 years of a quite physically abusive marriage , in the sense that we often fought physically my husband was on a detachment to Cyprus and I was in my home town for the 6 months he was gone. The day he was due to return home, he didn't .I eventually found him after days of worry when he phoned to tell me the marriage was over.I then discovered the whole marriage had ben a sham, he had lied and cheated on me from day one. He abandoned both me and my son who was then 8 months old and has seen his son only twice since.
There is a lot more to the story but to cut to the chase, I married an older man, who I didn't love we weer together 18 years until I finally decided it wasn't fair on either of us and left.
I then met someone that for the first time in my life I fell deeply in love with. For various reasons the relationship has been rocky.For the first time ever I trusted someone implicitly. We have had many problems, my lack of trust, his lack of trustworthyness.We split up a week ago after 5 years together.
I have had clinical depression for over 10 years, I'm 43 now.3 years ago I tried to kill myself after yet another row with my then partner, not a cry for help, I really did not want to live.
I am so terrified of being alone.It's only today that I've discovered anything about co dependant relationships.That's me and I'm so scared.
I am waiting to start CBT next month and am desperately trying to hang onto my life and praying that it will help, because this is torture .
Thankyou for reading.
H
This may be a long post so thanks in advance to all who take the time to read it.
I am not an addict in the sense that I abuse alcohol, or drugs , or sex or any of the usual addictive substances. I am discovering though, that I do have an addictive personality and my addiction is love.
Background.
My mother left me with my dad when I was 4, for over a year they both lied about her leaving, she came back each morning before I woke and left each night after I went to sleep.Eventually a neighbour enlightened me .There was no custody battle between them over me, I simply didn't fit into the new life, with her new man, and so was discarded apart from the occasional weekend, when she could fit me in. My dad went into a deep depression and my care was left to my Godparents who lived next door.
I was sexually abused by them, raped, photographed and handed around their friends , this happpened frequently until I was 15 , I have never worked out why I didn't tell anyone, perhaps because I felt I had no-one who would listen.
After a few years my father bought in a woman who I was told to call " auntie " . Auntie, who I nicknamed AJ was an alcoholic with a very closed past which she never talked about.She was a hard and domineering woman and I was 7 when she moved in, first sharing a room with me, and then with my dad. She had no children of her own. Life with AJ was a series of punishments, not physical .If I offended her she would refuse to acknowledge me, sometimes for weeks. Not just stop talking to me, but act as if I were invisible.She would tell my dad about some childish misdemeanour and although I'm not sure he always believed her, he backed her up, I guess for the sake of his own peace. At age 8 I came home from school to find she had gievn away all of the stuffed toy animals I collected as I " Was too old to play with things like that, and anyway I didn't deserve them "
I had a passion for horses and she spent a month promising me that if I was good, at the end of the month, I would have one.At the end of the month she simply said " But you weren't good enough "
My mother meanwhile married a man, a good man I admit, who was 10 years younger than her, at that time he was 23 . On a rare day at her home I was playing outside with some neighbour's children when one of them said to me " Your aunt is a lot older than her husband isn't she ? " Yes she had told them all I was her niece and that she looked after me from time to time.She told me that she'd said this because her husband wasn't old enough to have a child my age.
Moving on, I was an only child with little self esteem, if I was ill I wasn't believed but made to get up and go to school anyway.As my teen years approached I became very promiscuous and had many partners.At 16 I got married to a man in the armed forces and left home to move to his base. I got pregnant, had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again, I had a beautiful son who is now 23.After 4 years of a quite physically abusive marriage , in the sense that we often fought physically my husband was on a detachment to Cyprus and I was in my home town for the 6 months he was gone. The day he was due to return home, he didn't .I eventually found him after days of worry when he phoned to tell me the marriage was over.I then discovered the whole marriage had ben a sham, he had lied and cheated on me from day one. He abandoned both me and my son who was then 8 months old and has seen his son only twice since.
There is a lot more to the story but to cut to the chase, I married an older man, who I didn't love we weer together 18 years until I finally decided it wasn't fair on either of us and left.
I then met someone that for the first time in my life I fell deeply in love with. For various reasons the relationship has been rocky.For the first time ever I trusted someone implicitly. We have had many problems, my lack of trust, his lack of trustworthyness.We split up a week ago after 5 years together.
I have had clinical depression for over 10 years, I'm 43 now.3 years ago I tried to kill myself after yet another row with my then partner, not a cry for help, I really did not want to live.
I am so terrified of being alone.It's only today that I've discovered anything about co dependant relationships.That's me and I'm so scared.
I am waiting to start CBT next month and am desperately trying to hang onto my life and praying that it will help, because this is torture .
Thankyou for reading.
H
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
Have a look about. There are posts at the top of each forum that say "sticky" beside them. You will find a lot of info in them.
You have found a nice place here. You are not alone.
Being 3 AM east coast US time there may not be a lot of people around but as people show up, they do reply.
You will find some great support here... your not alone.
Have a look about. There are posts at the top of each forum that say "sticky" beside them. You will find a lot of info in them.
You have found a nice place here. You are not alone.
Being 3 AM east coast US time there may not be a lot of people around but as people show up, they do reply.
You will find some great support here... your not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
Hiyas H and welcome!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers.
Being recently seperated (since last November) I can somewhat relate. Something that I am learning though that has been very helpful is that time and patience are very important. Time will help heal wounds, patience and some real soul searching has and does help me every day. I am learning that it is OK to be alone, being alone is a lot different then being lonely. I am also learning that a person doesnt need a partner to be happy. Happiness comes from within first, after that, the outside stuff is all extra perks! I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes, realize past mistakes, learn and move forward. If I cant love myself and know how to please me first, I cant do that for anyone else either. I do have bad days but I am growing stronger and more independant all the time, it is a VERY wonderful feeling!
Please stay strong and concentrate on you!! If you ever need to vent or just talk something out, feel free to pm me any time!
~Hugs!~ Liss
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers.
Being recently seperated (since last November) I can somewhat relate. Something that I am learning though that has been very helpful is that time and patience are very important. Time will help heal wounds, patience and some real soul searching has and does help me every day. I am learning that it is OK to be alone, being alone is a lot different then being lonely. I am also learning that a person doesnt need a partner to be happy. Happiness comes from within first, after that, the outside stuff is all extra perks! I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes, realize past mistakes, learn and move forward. If I cant love myself and know how to please me first, I cant do that for anyone else either. I do have bad days but I am growing stronger and more independant all the time, it is a VERY wonderful feeling!
Please stay strong and concentrate on you!! If you ever need to vent or just talk something out, feel free to pm me any time!
~Hugs!~ Liss
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
You are indeed to be proclaimed a FIGHTER. You are a strong, amazing person. I'm Glad to be surrounded on this board by people like you. Keep on keepin' on, one day you will be happy! i can feel it, it's a matter of justice on earth. And it does exist, believe me
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi and Welcome,
I think many of us, me included, have searched for love for a large part of our lives. It was when I finally gave up the search and began to look inward, that I realized how much I disliked myself. I was looking for love to come to me from the outside and I had to find it myself.
This is a great place for support, so keep posting.
I think many of us, me included, have searched for love for a large part of our lives. It was when I finally gave up the search and began to look inward, that I realized how much I disliked myself. I was looking for love to come to me from the outside and I had to find it myself.
This is a great place for support, so keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: coventry
Posts: 4
Hi and thankyou for all your kind comments.
Yesterday turned into the day from hell. I had pretty much decided on the " No contact " approach to my ex partner and my mother, who I rarely see as you can imagine, asked me to go on a day out with her and her husband. Against my better judgement , and so that my youngest son ( who is autistic ) wasn't shut in the house with a depressed mother all day , I agreed. Big mistake. I spent 3 hours wandering around a park behind mum and step dad watching all the happy families enjoying a day in the sun, followed by almost 2 hours sat in a car park because mum decided it was too early to go home.
Things went from bad to worse once I finally got home , I freaked out and began phoning my ex over and over begging him to talk to me , he ignored me.As he has done all weekend.I went and saw him today and that was another huge mistake.I've made myself feel worse as I have yet again begged him to come home and he has basically told me as I don't believe a word he says I should keep my nose out of his business and his only concern is for himself. He says he cares about me, but he has to put himself first.
Rightly or wrongly ( I'll probably never know ) I believed something I was told about him, without giving him a chance to explain and threw him out.As far as he is concerned, for the moment, that's it.He knows I have mental health problems with depression and that I have always distrusted people, but he can make no allowances for that.
I'm not eating, not sleeping and don't know which way to turn. It all hurts too much to bear.
H
Yesterday turned into the day from hell. I had pretty much decided on the " No contact " approach to my ex partner and my mother, who I rarely see as you can imagine, asked me to go on a day out with her and her husband. Against my better judgement , and so that my youngest son ( who is autistic ) wasn't shut in the house with a depressed mother all day , I agreed. Big mistake. I spent 3 hours wandering around a park behind mum and step dad watching all the happy families enjoying a day in the sun, followed by almost 2 hours sat in a car park because mum decided it was too early to go home.
Things went from bad to worse once I finally got home , I freaked out and began phoning my ex over and over begging him to talk to me , he ignored me.As he has done all weekend.I went and saw him today and that was another huge mistake.I've made myself feel worse as I have yet again begged him to come home and he has basically told me as I don't believe a word he says I should keep my nose out of his business and his only concern is for himself. He says he cares about me, but he has to put himself first.
Rightly or wrongly ( I'll probably never know ) I believed something I was told about him, without giving him a chance to explain and threw him out.As far as he is concerned, for the moment, that's it.He knows I have mental health problems with depression and that I have always distrusted people, but he can make no allowances for that.
I'm not eating, not sleeping and don't know which way to turn. It all hurts too much to bear.
H
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
Hi H
IMHO, it sounds like it is time to call your doctor. You are sounding extremly stressed and depressed, a professional can help. There may be medication that can be prescribed in order to help you through all of this. Depression can be very serious and continue to get worse if you do not seek help. Not sleeping is going to wear you down physically and that can lead to more depression, it is a nasty cycle. Please see your doctor or find a doctor if need be but dont wait too long. Best of luck, please keep us posted.
~HUGS!~
Liss
IMHO, it sounds like it is time to call your doctor. You are sounding extremly stressed and depressed, a professional can help. There may be medication that can be prescribed in order to help you through all of this. Depression can be very serious and continue to get worse if you do not seek help. Not sleeping is going to wear you down physically and that can lead to more depression, it is a nasty cycle. Please see your doctor or find a doctor if need be but dont wait too long. Best of luck, please keep us posted.
~HUGS!~
Liss
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
i'm sorry for all of your troubles and pain.......sadly, there are so many women who have had a childhood similar to yours......and the damage it can do to your life is catastrophic.........i agree with liss.....please don't be afraid to seek help.....a doctor and a counsellor sounds like a good idea right now, especially with your past suicidal tendencies.........
my heart goes out to you.....
i know it is hard and frightening to be alone.......but it is not always a horrible thing.....it gives us a chance to figure out our own happiness, how to be fullfilled on our own....and that makes relationships easier in the long run.....when we don't have to depend on someone for our happiness.....but come to the relationship already fulfilled and happy........
i hope you find some sort of solution to your problems....and that you keep posting here........i have found friendship here and it has changed my life...
hugs
ayla
my heart goes out to you.....
i know it is hard and frightening to be alone.......but it is not always a horrible thing.....it gives us a chance to figure out our own happiness, how to be fullfilled on our own....and that makes relationships easier in the long run.....when we don't have to depend on someone for our happiness.....but come to the relationship already fulfilled and happy........
i hope you find some sort of solution to your problems....and that you keep posting here........i have found friendship here and it has changed my life...
hugs
ayla
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: coventry
Posts: 4
Thankyou again for your kind comments
I am at present not on anti dperessants , I was on them for over 10 years but the depression was proven to have no organic cause and so anti depressants can't help.I have an appointment to begin CBT on 3rd may in the hope that this will find the route cause of the depression and then go some way to alleviating it.As this is only just over 3 weeks away I am holding onto my sanity ( just )and hoping I can finally beat this horrible illness.
Yes I am stressed , strained to the limit I suppose you could say. As well as the depression I have some physical illness that I am being treated for ( Sjogren's syndrome ) and am also fighting to stay in my home with little money. It has all just come at once.
I have sleeping tablets , but they give me only a few hours relief and I really believe you have to WANT to sleep before these things work. At the moment I am fighting sleep because then I have to wake up and face the whole thing again....
I am unable to work due to my health problems so I think it's a case of having too much thinking time on my hands.It hasn't helped with it being Easter either because all normal routines have been interrupted.
Thankyou so much for your understanding, I can't talk to my children, even though the eldest is an adult because I don't want to heap my worries on to them, they are hurting too.
H
I am at present not on anti dperessants , I was on them for over 10 years but the depression was proven to have no organic cause and so anti depressants can't help.I have an appointment to begin CBT on 3rd may in the hope that this will find the route cause of the depression and then go some way to alleviating it.As this is only just over 3 weeks away I am holding onto my sanity ( just )and hoping I can finally beat this horrible illness.
Yes I am stressed , strained to the limit I suppose you could say. As well as the depression I have some physical illness that I am being treated for ( Sjogren's syndrome ) and am also fighting to stay in my home with little money. It has all just come at once.
I have sleeping tablets , but they give me only a few hours relief and I really believe you have to WANT to sleep before these things work. At the moment I am fighting sleep because then I have to wake up and face the whole thing again....
I am unable to work due to my health problems so I think it's a case of having too much thinking time on my hands.It hasn't helped with it being Easter either because all normal routines have been interrupted.
Thankyou so much for your understanding, I can't talk to my children, even though the eldest is an adult because I don't want to heap my worries on to them, they are hurting too.
H
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