Relationship with an addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Relationship with an addict
it's difficult for me to accept that I have to detach from my relationship. That I cannot expect to be "partners" or a "unit" with an addict.
I know that this is all about the art of detachment, but is it wrong to want a relationship with someone in which we deal with things together- in which we are each other's best friend?
Maybe I'm being naive. It's just difficult to accept that I need to always be on guard to a relapse that I can never fully put my trust in our relationship.
I am interested in learning if others have had or currently have these feelings.
I know that this is all about the art of detachment, but is it wrong to want a relationship with someone in which we deal with things together- in which we are each other's best friend?
Maybe I'm being naive. It's just difficult to accept that I need to always be on guard to a relapse that I can never fully put my trust in our relationship.
I am interested in learning if others have had or currently have these feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
I can identify with your pain. I am still married to my AH, but could get a hearing date any day, but I choose to hold on to hope that something will happen to him that will bring him back to sobriety. Maybe if I did follow through with the divorce, that would be it. I haven't heard anything from him in about 2.5 weeks.
Everyday there is something that happens during the course of the day that makes me think about him. Something at work, seeing something funny, hearing something, things that only my AH and I can relate to and laugh about. Sometimes I catch myself making comments that are exclusive to my husband and his conversations.
I drive to Starbucks a few times a week and have to drive across water. We love fishing. We love being in a boat. I find myself in la-la land thinking about fun times. Then I also remember that during those times, he was still using, and in the middle of fishing, he may throw up because he's mixed too much beer with vicodin, etc. With every positive thought I have, there's something that ruined the moment. Even one time he almost fell out of the boat because he doped off.
It is totally natural to start to remember only the good times, because why do we want to focus on the bad times? Rule of thumb for me is that if he's still awol, and hasn't come to me with starting recovery again, then he's still using and those bad times that I referred to will be even worse if I was thrown back into the mix. The only time I can remember feeling at peace with him was while he was in rehab and approximately 1-2 weeks after. I was on cloud 9. Unfortunately, he was headed back to cloud 9 in an active addict sense.
Everyday there is something that happens during the course of the day that makes me think about him. Something at work, seeing something funny, hearing something, things that only my AH and I can relate to and laugh about. Sometimes I catch myself making comments that are exclusive to my husband and his conversations.
I drive to Starbucks a few times a week and have to drive across water. We love fishing. We love being in a boat. I find myself in la-la land thinking about fun times. Then I also remember that during those times, he was still using, and in the middle of fishing, he may throw up because he's mixed too much beer with vicodin, etc. With every positive thought I have, there's something that ruined the moment. Even one time he almost fell out of the boat because he doped off.
It is totally natural to start to remember only the good times, because why do we want to focus on the bad times? Rule of thumb for me is that if he's still awol, and hasn't come to me with starting recovery again, then he's still using and those bad times that I referred to will be even worse if I was thrown back into the mix. The only time I can remember feeling at peace with him was while he was in rehab and approximately 1-2 weeks after. I was on cloud 9. Unfortunately, he was headed back to cloud 9 in an active addict sense.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Hmmm.
Here's my take on things.. It's like .. well, there is a giant metor in space and it's going to crash to earth. It's the size of Earth itself so when it hit's we are all toast. We have 3 month's until we are all crispy kritters.
You hear the new's on the television and you gaze outside your window. You see a bird on the tree and you are blessed with his presence. You make some tea and sip it's hot steep and enjoy every sip. Grasping your favorite mug you are filled with it's warmth that it gives you.
You step into your bath and fill it with bubbles. Light some candles and get lost in the dancing shadow's on the wall.
Every moment of every day for 3 month's you are thankfull for what you have. What you are doing. You suddenly do things that you truly enjoy every moment' that you can because you know in three months' you will never see it again.
Your AH or ABF comes' in the door from work. You give him a hug and smell his shirt. You remember the good times you had together. You think about holding his hand and making a wonderful meal together and talk about your day together. You smile at his smile. You appreciate the good, the bad, the ugly, because you know in three months' you will never see it again. You forget about past and appreciate the moment. That very.. single.. moment.
You appreciate your favorite slipper's. You go for a walk and breathe in that good clean air. You do all of the things you love to do for YOU because you know there is a limited time to enjoy it.
Every thing you do, you enjoy for the moment.. because there is no time for worry. There is no time for anxiety. You want to fill your mind with loving thoughts and happiness as much as you can...
It's no dinner party that's for sure, but it helped me! lol
Here's my take on things.. It's like .. well, there is a giant metor in space and it's going to crash to earth. It's the size of Earth itself so when it hit's we are all toast. We have 3 month's until we are all crispy kritters.
You hear the new's on the television and you gaze outside your window. You see a bird on the tree and you are blessed with his presence. You make some tea and sip it's hot steep and enjoy every sip. Grasping your favorite mug you are filled with it's warmth that it gives you.
You step into your bath and fill it with bubbles. Light some candles and get lost in the dancing shadow's on the wall.
Every moment of every day for 3 month's you are thankfull for what you have. What you are doing. You suddenly do things that you truly enjoy every moment' that you can because you know in three months' you will never see it again.
Your AH or ABF comes' in the door from work. You give him a hug and smell his shirt. You remember the good times you had together. You think about holding his hand and making a wonderful meal together and talk about your day together. You smile at his smile. You appreciate the good, the bad, the ugly, because you know in three months' you will never see it again. You forget about past and appreciate the moment. That very.. single.. moment.
You appreciate your favorite slipper's. You go for a walk and breathe in that good clean air. You do all of the things you love to do for YOU because you know there is a limited time to enjoy it.
Every thing you do, you enjoy for the moment.. because there is no time for worry. There is no time for anxiety. You want to fill your mind with loving thoughts and happiness as much as you can...
It's no dinner party that's for sure, but it helped me! lol
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
In your other post which led to this you asked:
NO it is not wrong. That can happen, however, it depends on how sincere the A is about recovery. As the A works intensely on themselves, many can and do slowly, very slowly start to open up to their SO. Recover, take time, for both of you.
This is where Naranon and Alanon come in so handy. They help you to work on you, they help you to figure out exactly what your boundaries are. They help you to learn how to Say What You Mean, and Mean What You Say.
There was an excellent suggestion in your other thread about asking for phone numbers at your next meeting. Explaining that you have no car and need rides to meetings. Folks at these meetings are always willing to give rides so another can "get to a meeting."
This seems to be true in AA, NA, Alanon, and Naranon. It is part of giving back what was so freely given to us when we needed it.
Yes, you will find over time if you A is growing and changing in recovery that you will slowly start to trust again and the fear of relapse will start to subside. In June I will celebrate 26 years of continuous sobriety. Doesn't mean I couldn't still relapse, however, because of the program I LIVE Today, that is something that has a very low probability of happening.
i was almost 4 years sober and clean before my loved ones started really trusting me again. That was 'their problem' not mine. I had to learn how to "keep my side of the street clean" (mind my own business and stay out of theirs). I was 3 years sober when my AA sponsor "Strongly Suggested" that I also attend Alanon meetings. That helped me so much.............one of the earliest things I learned, which has helped me over the years so much with others, Alkie,Addicts, Alanoners, Naranoners, and just plain old 'normies' is the 3 C's:
I didn't Cause it,
I can't Control it, and
I can't Cure it.
Whatever "it" may be.
Keep posting HK, we do care how you are doing and how you are feeling.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I know that this is all about the art of detachment, but is it wrong to want a relationship with someone in which we deal with things together? Maybe I'm being naive. It's just difficult to accept that I need to always be on guard to a relapse that I can never fully put my trust in our relationship.
This is where Naranon and Alanon come in so handy. They help you to work on you, they help you to figure out exactly what your boundaries are. They help you to learn how to Say What You Mean, and Mean What You Say.
There was an excellent suggestion in your other thread about asking for phone numbers at your next meeting. Explaining that you have no car and need rides to meetings. Folks at these meetings are always willing to give rides so another can "get to a meeting."
This seems to be true in AA, NA, Alanon, and Naranon. It is part of giving back what was so freely given to us when we needed it.
Yes, you will find over time if you A is growing and changing in recovery that you will slowly start to trust again and the fear of relapse will start to subside. In June I will celebrate 26 years of continuous sobriety. Doesn't mean I couldn't still relapse, however, because of the program I LIVE Today, that is something that has a very low probability of happening.
i was almost 4 years sober and clean before my loved ones started really trusting me again. That was 'their problem' not mine. I had to learn how to "keep my side of the street clean" (mind my own business and stay out of theirs). I was 3 years sober when my AA sponsor "Strongly Suggested" that I also attend Alanon meetings. That helped me so much.............one of the earliest things I learned, which has helped me over the years so much with others, Alkie,Addicts, Alanoners, Naranoners, and just plain old 'normies' is the 3 C's:
I didn't Cause it,
I can't Control it, and
I can't Cure it.
Whatever "it" may be.
Keep posting HK, we do care how you are doing and how you are feeling.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Ive decided in almost 4 years of being with an addict that this life is like the most nauseauting rollercoaster you can ever be on. Your back hurts, your neck hurts, you want to vomit alot with the sick feeling in your stomach, and even if you can detach and amanage for a while to stay off the rollercoaaster you still periodically get dragged back on when you least expect it, because their consequences do end up affecting those they live with, whether its having your vehicle disappear, finances stripped, things disappear or house raided, it effects your life and your very being
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
HK angel
Its odd yet reassuring to find thru SR that our thoughts and feelings are not so unique
A few months back I was writing the very same things........that detaching from my AH was pointless, that I want a husband not a roommate who may disappear every few months and not come home with his part of the rent..........
And honestly it wasnt until this relapse that I think I'm finally getting it........YES the relapse upsets me yet this time......it's somehow easier
1st I didnt cry all night and I didnt go looking for him and I only called once or twice then stopped verses the times before when I called and cried and left long pleading messages....
this time when he came in the following morning I didn't go nuts yell cry scream or tell him how I know he can't love me or our family........this time I said when was the last time you used, I accepted his answer and said.......you should go shower before the kids wake up.........I didn't question him and demand details of the hours he was missing in action
This time I'm not looking for answers ( as much) because I am learning the answers the hard way and I believe that the answer is .....even if he looks like he's doing the right things deep inside him he knows he's not and he only he can discover where his program is lacking..........
In the past I would scramble to move our finances, this time I told him.............you can continue to ruin your life if thats what you are intent on doing but this is how it has to be from this moment on..........you need to finish that jo and you need to give me the check, and I am going to pay back all debt owed for the start up fees..........which means that you may have to turn down some jobs for awhile until you can build YOUR OWN resources because I cannot and will not leave myself or our family in a position to have to count on you so keep your business if thats what you want but the finances will be very limited untill you change that..........he agreed
And this time I was able to discover ways that I was manipulated by him in his persuit for his drug and I am working on not allowing myself to be his enabler I am working on determining my boundaries...thou I have not yet sat down and explained them to him.....because this time as opposed to the others I WANT TO MEAN every word I say and be able to stick to it.
Before I couldn't imagin leaving...........knew I didn't want to end my marriage I Love him....I didn't want to make decisions that could result in my losing my stepchild..................but this time ( and this is exactly how I have just explained it to him)
I am beginning to understand that I am not making the decision to leave him and I am not making decisions that affect my step child...........HE IS, and if he continues to relapse and he continues to go out........when the time comes that actions have to be taken..............I will be strong enough to FOLLOW HIS INSTRUCTIONS and do all the things he's telling me/showing me that he wants me to do, so in the end I will not be guilty I will be doing what he must have wanted.
And I told him that ONE of us has to get better.............me or him and I pray and pray its him.........because I am becoming as sick as he is and when I'm better I will then be able to let go completely
And this time as opposed to the others...........I dont feel so angry with him and dont feel I need to punish him, I am able to be okay with him and be glad for today even though I know that until he finds his true recovery..............tomorrow is uncertain................
So (long way around it .sorry)
I know how you feel and felt the very same way...............but I am discovering that Detachment isn't an act of leaving or not leaving..........it's more like growth and surviving the rollercoaster ride................and small step towards finding peace and for me without losing HOPE!
Good luck your are in my thoughts!!!
Its odd yet reassuring to find thru SR that our thoughts and feelings are not so unique
A few months back I was writing the very same things........that detaching from my AH was pointless, that I want a husband not a roommate who may disappear every few months and not come home with his part of the rent..........
And honestly it wasnt until this relapse that I think I'm finally getting it........YES the relapse upsets me yet this time......it's somehow easier
1st I didnt cry all night and I didnt go looking for him and I only called once or twice then stopped verses the times before when I called and cried and left long pleading messages....
this time when he came in the following morning I didn't go nuts yell cry scream or tell him how I know he can't love me or our family........this time I said when was the last time you used, I accepted his answer and said.......you should go shower before the kids wake up.........I didn't question him and demand details of the hours he was missing in action
This time I'm not looking for answers ( as much) because I am learning the answers the hard way and I believe that the answer is .....even if he looks like he's doing the right things deep inside him he knows he's not and he only he can discover where his program is lacking..........
In the past I would scramble to move our finances, this time I told him.............you can continue to ruin your life if thats what you are intent on doing but this is how it has to be from this moment on..........you need to finish that jo and you need to give me the check, and I am going to pay back all debt owed for the start up fees..........which means that you may have to turn down some jobs for awhile until you can build YOUR OWN resources because I cannot and will not leave myself or our family in a position to have to count on you so keep your business if thats what you want but the finances will be very limited untill you change that..........he agreed
And this time I was able to discover ways that I was manipulated by him in his persuit for his drug and I am working on not allowing myself to be his enabler I am working on determining my boundaries...thou I have not yet sat down and explained them to him.....because this time as opposed to the others I WANT TO MEAN every word I say and be able to stick to it.
Before I couldn't imagin leaving...........knew I didn't want to end my marriage I Love him....I didn't want to make decisions that could result in my losing my stepchild..................but this time ( and this is exactly how I have just explained it to him)
I am beginning to understand that I am not making the decision to leave him and I am not making decisions that affect my step child...........HE IS, and if he continues to relapse and he continues to go out........when the time comes that actions have to be taken..............I will be strong enough to FOLLOW HIS INSTRUCTIONS and do all the things he's telling me/showing me that he wants me to do, so in the end I will not be guilty I will be doing what he must have wanted.
And I told him that ONE of us has to get better.............me or him and I pray and pray its him.........because I am becoming as sick as he is and when I'm better I will then be able to let go completely
And this time as opposed to the others...........I dont feel so angry with him and dont feel I need to punish him, I am able to be okay with him and be glad for today even though I know that until he finds his true recovery..............tomorrow is uncertain................
So (long way around it .sorry)
I know how you feel and felt the very same way...............but I am discovering that Detachment isn't an act of leaving or not leaving..........it's more like growth and surviving the rollercoaster ride................and small step towards finding peace and for me without losing HOPE!
Good luck your are in my thoughts!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Detaching is a hard thing to learn. I am trying to detach as well and I think I am getting better and better at it. My ABF moved into a hotel. I have not driven by once to see if he is there. Big step for me. If I need to call him about something I only call once and let him call me when he wants. I don't wait for him to call I carry on with my day as planned. I do however find it easier to carry on when I have a full day planned out for myself. I love him I miss him but I love myself too and must keep myself happy. I do find it hard though when some of our friends call me to give me updates on him. I don't find that helpful at all. Before I would be calling everyone to hear what they know... Good Luck HK and congrats lies. We are all learning tegether!!!! Happy Easter
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
look at it this way. you are not trying to detach from you partner, you are learning to detach from your addict.they are not your partner when they are not putting there 50% into the relationship. we are not here to look after them & do things for them that they can do for themselves.as i hav esaid it takes pratice.as long as we do for them they will never hit there bottom.hugs,hope
One day at a time...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 42
HK Angel,
I'm going through the same thing that you are. I met my ABF about 10 months ago. Let me tell you my life has been a nightmare for the last 5 months. When I came to SR everyone gave me their advice and it helped me verymuch, it still does. However I did not take it!! I found out with my own experiences how diifficult it is having a relationship with an addict is. Lets's see I had about $4500.00 in my savings and in 5 months it all went to him. I guess I had to put myself in debt to understand that no matter what I do or say the addict will not stop until they are ready. My BF and I have had alot of time when he was clean and he is a great guy. That's why I love him so much. I have realized that sticking by him and helping him was only hurting him. Everytime he relapsed I always took him back and I finally realized it was just to make ME feel better. I payed all of his bills gave him spending money. it was like I was taking care of a child. It was pathetic. His last relapse was horrible. He has lost his job which wass the job of his dreams he gave his brand new truck to the crack dealers and it is still missing. The insurance company told him that's your problem. They cancelled him. He was arrested for stealing and ended in jail. He is out now but he is not allowed to come back to my house. But that does not mean that I don't love him and care for him. I have detached myself from him and his addiction. His addiction started bothering me more than it was bothering him. That's when I knew that I had to make a change. He is living in a recovery house and so far he seems to be doing okay. He says that he is serious this time because he has never felt like this before, but I do not believe him. Trust is so easy to lose but so very hard to get back. I know he means well but trusting him right now is out of the question. He is now on his own to work on his recovery and make his own choices that will now only affect him. I feel for you because as I read your posts it sounds like me. It is so hard but each day it will get better. Rememeber what does not kill you will only make you stronger. He needs to realize he has a problem and he needs to help himself. Detachment does not mean giving up. I'm still there for my ABF in certain ways but I know not to help too much. He needs to do everything by hinmself. I still ask myself everyday How in the world did I end up with an addict? Why? I still find it very hard to not help him because I want to make his pain go away. His pain is on the inside and I know now only he can make himself feel better not me or all the money I spent on him. I just wish sometimes that I could make him
all better and take all of his pain away but I CAN'T. There are 3 things that I have accepted in my recovery about our relationship 1, There maybe a chance he will get better and we can start to rebuild our relationship. 2, He chooses not to and our relationship is over because I don;t want that kind of life for myself. I love myself tooooo much. 3, There maybe a day I attend his funeral. Its heartbreaking I know. But it is the TRUTH!!!!!! Please remember just because you love someone does not mean to have to be with that person. I feel for you Girl.... I wish you were not so far away I would give you a big hug. I promise you it will get better. You will be in my prayers.
Nicole
I'm going through the same thing that you are. I met my ABF about 10 months ago. Let me tell you my life has been a nightmare for the last 5 months. When I came to SR everyone gave me their advice and it helped me verymuch, it still does. However I did not take it!! I found out with my own experiences how diifficult it is having a relationship with an addict is. Lets's see I had about $4500.00 in my savings and in 5 months it all went to him. I guess I had to put myself in debt to understand that no matter what I do or say the addict will not stop until they are ready. My BF and I have had alot of time when he was clean and he is a great guy. That's why I love him so much. I have realized that sticking by him and helping him was only hurting him. Everytime he relapsed I always took him back and I finally realized it was just to make ME feel better. I payed all of his bills gave him spending money. it was like I was taking care of a child. It was pathetic. His last relapse was horrible. He has lost his job which wass the job of his dreams he gave his brand new truck to the crack dealers and it is still missing. The insurance company told him that's your problem. They cancelled him. He was arrested for stealing and ended in jail. He is out now but he is not allowed to come back to my house. But that does not mean that I don't love him and care for him. I have detached myself from him and his addiction. His addiction started bothering me more than it was bothering him. That's when I knew that I had to make a change. He is living in a recovery house and so far he seems to be doing okay. He says that he is serious this time because he has never felt like this before, but I do not believe him. Trust is so easy to lose but so very hard to get back. I know he means well but trusting him right now is out of the question. He is now on his own to work on his recovery and make his own choices that will now only affect him. I feel for you because as I read your posts it sounds like me. It is so hard but each day it will get better. Rememeber what does not kill you will only make you stronger. He needs to realize he has a problem and he needs to help himself. Detachment does not mean giving up. I'm still there for my ABF in certain ways but I know not to help too much. He needs to do everything by hinmself. I still ask myself everyday How in the world did I end up with an addict? Why? I still find it very hard to not help him because I want to make his pain go away. His pain is on the inside and I know now only he can make himself feel better not me or all the money I spent on him. I just wish sometimes that I could make him
all better and take all of his pain away but I CAN'T. There are 3 things that I have accepted in my recovery about our relationship 1, There maybe a chance he will get better and we can start to rebuild our relationship. 2, He chooses not to and our relationship is over because I don;t want that kind of life for myself. I love myself tooooo much. 3, There maybe a day I attend his funeral. Its heartbreaking I know. But it is the TRUTH!!!!!! Please remember just because you love someone does not mean to have to be with that person. I feel for you Girl.... I wish you were not so far away I would give you a big hug. I promise you it will get better. You will be in my prayers.
Nicole
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you all so very much.
Truly inspiring stories...
I guess I just keep wondering if someone can really and truly recover. If it is possible to actually recover without the whole rehab, out-patient, meetings everyday theories.
Trouble is that my abf hides his usage from me. He is currently claiming he is clean after a rollar coaster ride of about a week where he lied to me. This has not been an issue in our relationship until recently so I am fairly new to learning whether or not it will or will not happen again. I feel myself being deeply skeptical of all he says and does - knowing at any moment he could revert to the addict. But I do not live in the moment. I feel like I cannot allow myself to be happy with a man who may have fabricated our entire relationship. The "not knowing" whether he is telling the truth or lying really irks me.
I know I want a relationship with someone whom I can be partners with, whom I can share everything will and believe, no matter what that they always have my best interest at heart. I truly did believe that we could have a life together, but now I am wondering if I am only setting myself up.
Truly inspiring stories...
I guess I just keep wondering if someone can really and truly recover. If it is possible to actually recover without the whole rehab, out-patient, meetings everyday theories.
Trouble is that my abf hides his usage from me. He is currently claiming he is clean after a rollar coaster ride of about a week where he lied to me. This has not been an issue in our relationship until recently so I am fairly new to learning whether or not it will or will not happen again. I feel myself being deeply skeptical of all he says and does - knowing at any moment he could revert to the addict. But I do not live in the moment. I feel like I cannot allow myself to be happy with a man who may have fabricated our entire relationship. The "not knowing" whether he is telling the truth or lying really irks me.
I know I want a relationship with someone whom I can be partners with, whom I can share everything will and believe, no matter what that they always have my best interest at heart. I truly did believe that we could have a life together, but now I am wondering if I am only setting myself up.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, what's the big rush to move forward with him. Why not sit back, let go and see what happens.
You really do over analyze this issue, of detaching, would appear you are not ready to do anything, but, replay the same old tape over and over again in your head.
I might suggest that you re-read all your posts, it might jolt you.
Anything is possible, but, the chances are slim and none to recover for life without some type of a program.
My ex-abf hid his usuage from me, although I would have been an idiot not to know, same old pattern, over and over again.
If you cannot allow yourself to be happy with a man who lies to you, then you shouldn't be with an addict, as that is what addicts do.
I truly hope that you will take small steps to start focusing on you.
You really do over analyze this issue, of detaching, would appear you are not ready to do anything, but, replay the same old tape over and over again in your head.
I might suggest that you re-read all your posts, it might jolt you.
Anything is possible, but, the chances are slim and none to recover for life without some type of a program.
My ex-abf hid his usuage from me, although I would have been an idiot not to know, same old pattern, over and over again.
If you cannot allow yourself to be happy with a man who lies to you, then you shouldn't be with an addict, as that is what addicts do.
I truly hope that you will take small steps to start focusing on you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by HKAngel24 
I feel myself being deeply skeptical of all he says and does - knowing at any moment he could revert to the addict. But I do not live in the moment. I feel like I cannot allow myself to be happy with a man who may have fabricated our entire relationship. The "not knowing" whether he is telling the truth or lying really irks me.
I know I want a relationship with someone whom I can be partners with, whom I can share everything will and believe, no matter what that they always have my best interest at heart. I truly did believe that we could have a life together, but now I am wondering if I am only setting myself up.
I know I want a relationship with someone whom I can be partners with, whom I can share everything will and believe, no matter what that they always have my best interest at heart. I truly did believe that we could have a life together, but now I am wondering if I am only setting myself up.
I wanted a relationship exactly like the one you describe above.
Eventually, I had to realize that, because of all that had happened and all that WOULD happen because of addiction, that relationship wasn't going to be possible with the man I was with.
It was the hardest realization of my life. It felt like I was being shredded from the inside out for a while.
And then it got better. And I got stronger.
And then...that kind of relationship really DID come to me, and I was ready when it did....I recognized it for what it was: the real thing. And in hindsight realized what my former relationship had been: a possibility that had held great promise for a long time, but which really couldn't be what I was trying to mold it into.
Hoping that you too will find the right path to the kind of relationship you know you want, and know you deserve.
Love,
GL
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with dolly, sorry that this is so hard for you. you seem to be saying alot in your own post. from where i sit, you write a lot of your own answers. maybe it is time that you take the focus off him for a while and look deep within to see why is it, that you want to continue in this relationship? what's in it for you? keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
Heather the best relationship you can have is with yourself.
in my experience with my rabf of three and half years he could not remain clean for any length of time without help.
i think in order for someone to be "clean," it should be for more than a few days or weeks.
please feel free to pm me anytime you need to talk.
it's a long road and no one should walk it alone.
in my experience with my rabf of three and half years he could not remain clean for any length of time without help.
i think in order for someone to be "clean," it should be for more than a few days or weeks.
please feel free to pm me anytime you need to talk.
it's a long road and no one should walk it alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 4
hi all,
I joined this board last year, but mostly I've just been reading threads, and not contributing too much. However I felt I had to write something here, as I've also been wondering...
My rabf and I were together for a year when he relapsed and I decided to leave him, step back for awhile. He remained in active addiction for four months, where I understand he went through a nasty relapse. We talked every once in awhile during those times, but a lot of the time I wouldn't pick up my phone, as I knew he was calling while high, etc.
He finally got himself back into rehab in Feb, where he did an inpatient program for 2 months, and is now in an extended care program until July. I had a conference with him and his counsellor last month, where I told him how he'd made me feel through everything...I also spent an afternoon with him during visiting hours.
I talk to him everyday now, and it's so hard, because now that he's clean, he's getting back to the person I fell in love with. He wants me to go and visit, he wants us to start rebuilding our relationship, he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...but I'm so scared.
I love him dearly, and I miss him every single day. But I can't trust him. It's so hard to decide what to do...there's the part of me (my heart?) that says, "just go for it, you love eachother" but then there's the part of me (my head?) that says, "do you really want this for your life? are you ready to make that commitment?"
It's comforting to know you're not alone, and that so many people are experiencing the same feelings you are - thanks for letting me vent...
I joined this board last year, but mostly I've just been reading threads, and not contributing too much. However I felt I had to write something here, as I've also been wondering...
My rabf and I were together for a year when he relapsed and I decided to leave him, step back for awhile. He remained in active addiction for four months, where I understand he went through a nasty relapse. We talked every once in awhile during those times, but a lot of the time I wouldn't pick up my phone, as I knew he was calling while high, etc.
He finally got himself back into rehab in Feb, where he did an inpatient program for 2 months, and is now in an extended care program until July. I had a conference with him and his counsellor last month, where I told him how he'd made me feel through everything...I also spent an afternoon with him during visiting hours.
I talk to him everyday now, and it's so hard, because now that he's clean, he's getting back to the person I fell in love with. He wants me to go and visit, he wants us to start rebuilding our relationship, he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...but I'm so scared.
I love him dearly, and I miss him every single day. But I can't trust him. It's so hard to decide what to do...there's the part of me (my heart?) that says, "just go for it, you love eachother" but then there's the part of me (my head?) that says, "do you really want this for your life? are you ready to make that commitment?"
It's comforting to know you're not alone, and that so many people are experiencing the same feelings you are - thanks for letting me vent...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 1
Am having a difficult time dealing with my husband telling me he relapsed With his drug use & now wanting help again. I had a feeling the last few weeks he was using again. All the signs were there. I was waiting for him to come to me.
I just don't think I can go through this again. We do not have a great relationship as it is. I have so much hatred to him for the way he is and doing this to us.
How do you even start trusting someone? How many times do you keep giving them chances?
I just don't think I can go through this again. We do not have a great relationship as it is. I have so much hatred to him for the way he is and doing this to us.
How do you even start trusting someone? How many times do you keep giving them chances?
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome short06. Keep reading around on the posts. You may want to use the button on the top left of the forum page that says New Thread and introduce yourself. That way you will get lots of support from others here. The post you replied on is two years old so many may not notice it. Hugs
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