HKAngel24

I never know what the next day will entail. I am TRYING to be positive, as most of my life I have been pretty cynical.

My bf and I spend time together. I do let him work on his own recovery and I do not pressure him to share, but will listen if he chooses too. I think sometimes that maybe I expecting him to be working harder than he can at this minute... This leads me to worrying that he isn't serious about his recovery and that I probably have blinders on and that he is still using.

I want to badly believe what he tells me.
I know he is an addict and could be lying.
I know that addicts DO lie and that he has lied to me before to my face.
Because these two thoughts are conflicting whenever we are together- it seems that I am deeply paranoid about things. Why is he taking so long in the bathroom? (Sadly, I've even taken to listening at the door.) THe listening at the door- as an example- is something that I KNOW i shouldn't do if I don't want to know the truth... But isn't that being blind in a sense/naive? Not facing the truth -- not doing what I need to do to see who this person REALLY is?

I do NOT want to be sucked back into "living with his addiction" overtly. I am afraid that it may still be going on behind my back. This anxiety of whether or not he is still using while presenting to me this face of recovery really weighs on me.

teke

its kind of hard, huh? maybe you can come up with some kind of plan about what you will do if you do find that he is using. what will you do for you. you can't stop him, and sometimes, you may have to just listen to your gut feelings and go from there.

i learned to purposely believe what my guts was telling me, whether it was the truth or not, and work on getting past the thoughts that i believed. it took a lot of work on my part, having to force myself not to go there in my own head. sorry but this kind of paranoia is what almost drove me insane. have you gone to any meetings yet. at times when i felt this way, i HAD to get away, if only for an hr or two, just to gain some balance. sorry that you are feeling this way. i'm praying for you and for him. try to focus on you and what you want your life to look like in the near future with or without him and leave him to his own misery or recovery.

Mavis

LOL, I remember when I used to flatten and press my head to the floor across the hallway in hopes I would find out what AH was "really" doing in that bathroom! I would snoop through all of his belongings! Zipper's, closet's, up in the ceiling, under the stairs, in his car, and you know, I think he got satisfaction out of watching me. Especially when he knew he did good because he had hidden it in a different and more difficult spot this time. (good for AS, let's all give him a hand!)

He told me the whole time that he was clean, and "I'm" the one with the problem. But something wasn't right. Something diddn't fit. I know all the signs, and reasons why I CAN and DO call him a liar. I am the only one who can tell when he is using. Ive mastered it. How he talks, looks, touches, laugh's, smiles, listens, walks, blinks... you name it. He was lieing.. trust me.

I posted yesterday on how I found his pills at the house yesterday. I wasn't even looking. The third week into it I knew he was lying about his recovery. Something wasn't right again. Couldn't put my finger on it, but I diddn't care any more.
That's not my job.
That's not my problem.

You are right to be paranoid.

But it's not your problem.

Is he lying to you or is he 100% in recovery? Maybe, Maybe not. You have to accept that.

Your not crazy. You are having your head pressed against the floor because your gut tells you something. He may not be using IN the bathroom at that time, but your senses are talking to you and they are right.

But it's not your problem.

Shouldn't his recovery be different? More open? More honest?
Shouldn't you JUST KNOW that he IS CLEAN?! Yes.

But that's not your problem.

hope213

angel, we do not know what tomorrow will bring, we also don't know what the next minute will bring.what we do know is we have to work our recovery in order for us to survive "the next time" & hope there want be one.we just need to take care of ourselves & leave the addict to his recovery.prayers for you & him both.

HKAngel24

But I mean, isn't it my problem in the sense that it is either healthy or unhealthy for me?

That I said I was willing to give the relationship another go if he is decidedly clean and working towards recovery. (I can't ask for anymore than that- the trouble with that is that I know I'm powerless yet I'm still spinning my wheels, flailing.) I know I have to GIVE UP this need to know because all it is doing is distracting me from my life and giving him and his decisions all the power. I just remember when I was actively in my eating disorder and literally killing myself- there were those who stuck by me regardless of how powerless they were to change me or make me want to save my life and make me want to get better. Which at that time I did not- I did not care. But I know now that ANY recovery must contain a space of honesty with oneself most importantly, but also with loved ones. It's just sad and scary that I am beginning to characterize that addict as an untrustworthy, unchangeable liar. I feel torn between seeing him as the man he use to be/can return to and the man who deeply struggles with an addiction.

I guess I can deal with the "not knowing" and "minding my own business" in some aspects of this. But I KNOW that you are all right in the sense that the more I focus on what he IS or IS not doing the more that I paralyze myself in time and prevent myself from living my own life. I guess it's hard to move past the fact that my relationship at the moment cannot be the fulfilling one I want it to be. (Can it ever? Who knows... I want to believe that some addicts CAN change...) All I know is that I eventually want a relationship with someone I can trust to be there for me.

Mavis

Your head is spinning. Of course You will be there 100% only if he is working on it 100% right along with you. I had the exact same promises for 7 years only to find out he was still lying and I went crazy. So I left. I had to! I had nothing left in me to give to him!!!
It is up to you on what you need to do, but you can't control him, you will never get the answers you need from him. You will go bonker's trying.
You will know when he is truly in recovery or if he's just pretending for your sake. Your surroundings are already there, you just need to sit down and listen to them.

Thing's wont be this hard for you. You will be able to breathe. You will be able to laugh, you will do thing's together and talk endlessy with one another. You will look into his eyes and just know that he is clean and being sincere. He will tell you dreams that he has. Asperations. He will smile as you walk through the room.

SO for today.. who cares about him.

What do YOU wan't?

greeteachday

Heather, this quote jumpted at me...Honey, I'm afraid you are being sucked back in already. Whether he is using or not, you are exhibiting all the signs of someone whose life is revolving around him and his actions, thoughts, feelings. What does Heather want? I know it isn't to be obsessive and to be unable to find joy in each day, even when there may be pleasant things going on, because you are worried about is he using is this the truth....

The only way I could stop my own obsessive behaviors regarding my addict, was to start attending Naranon meetings and working a recovery program for me. Once i realized that I had no business telling my addict how to work recovery when I was not serious about mine, it opened my eyes to starting down a better path.