Mavis

I thought to myself.. "gosh, if only a parent with a normal child knew how hard it was to raise a child with Autism" I patted myself on the back for doing it all on my own. AH never gave two *hit's about his disibility. I booked appointment's with Peds, have home visits 2 times a week, work on therapy at home. Everyday I try not to pull my hair out at the most simple task's like getting my little guy dressed or to brush his teeth.

I somehow have adapted in a world of crazyiness with my son..
Learned how to exceed patience levels.
I learned how to cope with what I got.. and see the joy in it.

Inbetween it all, I had to babysit my AH beside's my own child. I had anxiety at even the thought of leaving him alone with him. I had to continuesly teach AH how to parent our son. It was a struggle just to get out and do family things together!

Now..Here I am listening to my AH Quack on the phone.

I was over at the house today and I discovered "Pills". HUH... Well AH said all the quacking known to man. Suddenly "I" am the one with the problem and not him. (even though he is in a 12 step program)
Everything he has been saying to me the past month is BS ... CAPITAL FREAKIN BS!!!

"I Love you"
"I'm done with pills"
"You will never see me stoned again"
"As GOD as my witness"
" I'm going to get you back!"
"Never again"
" I never wan't to see that crap again"
"BLAH BLAH BLAH"

Suddenly it turned into..

"What ... YOU never had a headache?!"
"What is the problem?"
"When did I lie?"
"I never said Pills were the problem"
"Oh, I had no idea those were there!"

What absolute BS.

I can't believe that for 5 year's, I STILL had my head screwed on coming out of that rubber room. Sitting here at my mother's I am reminded once again of why I am here and NOT at the "nut house" with AH.
I can rant here! and know that I am stable with my thoughts now.
I have time for my son. I am there for him 100% and accually laugh at AH. Listening to him is hilarious to me!!! I cannot believe I sat there for 7 freakin years with him listening to that!
I am not hurt he is relapsing. It's all I've ever known from him. I am free from his BS and he can't hurt me anymore. His choices are his choices. My life is my life... and for once I can breathe!

I DO feel sad for him though. He is missing a life that is so wonderful.. and free~

At the end of the day... emotions go UP emotions go down... but SR truly is my sanity.
If it wasn't for this forum, I may never have left. I could still be listening to his BS and waiting for "him" instead of doing thing's myself.
I am truly thankful for all of you here.
I remember the day I logged on. I was so sad, confused, crazy. Wondered if that was going to be as good as it get's.

LOL! I love everyone here!

Good night ALL! (((Hugs!)))

greeteachday

Ahhhh mavis, you are strong and shining in your recovery. You have found what is important...loving and caring for your precious son (I'm so sorry you had to handle everything on your own, but as you are finding out, it's easier than doing it with an addict) and taking care of you!!

Thanks for walking this journey with us, as much as your have grown and learned here, you have taught us and helped us move forward too. ((((Hugs))))

teke

i agree with greet, i'm so happy for you, i know that the road has been rough, but you do sound so strong. you are a good mom, you deserve a little peace. i got a feeling that you and lil guy are gonna be just fine, i'm still praying for ya

Pilgrim

Hi Mavis,

I also have an autistic son and I am a single Mum and in a relationship with an A.

Like you, I am sad for ABF. Today was a beautiful day. My children and I went to the shops and picked out easter eggs to eat tomorrow morning. x ABF went to a bar. I say x in small letters because there is still too much contact and he doesn't get it yet. Some days, I just need a human adult in the house. Then he comes over and I wonder why I thought it would be different this time. The human part is only in shape and the adult part is nowhere to be seen. He sits around, lies to me, drinks everything in and he makes a mess.

Sorry to go on about myself and my BF is not on pills. I just wanted to say that I feel for you and I wanted to send you a big hug.

hope213

i am so glad that you are with us.recovery is amazing when we find the peace within ourselves.hugs & prayers sent up for you.

tropikgal2

Mavis, you sound like you are doing really well. It is very good that you are focusing on yourself and your son!! 3 cheers! Have a very happy Easter!! ((HUGS))

GiveLove

Mavis,

I count myself SO lucky to know you. You have come through the industrial laundry machine and have come out the other end strong and shining.

When I think of you having to take care of both your helpless lil guy AND your grown-man, adult, supposedly-self-reliant husband-turned-infant, it makes me crazy (I imagine it did you too!)

Proud of you

GL

Mavis

I feel like I rushed that thread and never had a point to it. Maybe I diddn't. I guess looking back, I can't believe I am here now. I alway's looked at this moment and thought it would never come.. and it has! I am just surprised that I had ALL that on my plate with my son at home and tried to deal with AH all the while.
I would not be this way mentally if I were still at home. He truly drained me. I look back now and it was no surprise I zonked out at the end of the day. It was no surprise I came down with mysterious health issues and suffered from depression. I thought that it was only "my" husband who lied and manipulated. I was naive to think there was no one out there like him. Addiction robb's you. Steals the very being right from under you.
It is what it is.

I truly do love everyone on SR. It's the family Ive never had. When Grandma, or Aunt or cousin looks down on me for leaving AH, that's o.k. They have no idea what I've been through. And frankly it's none of their business. I have a whole range of family at SR that know me better than anyone else. (((Smile)))

HKAngel24

Mavis- you have given me such articulate and wise advice. I wish I was at a point where I could offer similar words of wisdom.

More and more I read and post on this board- I see that this denying and then role-reversal (where WE become the enemy, where WE are the nutcase, where WE are the ones not living in reality) happens to alot of us.

It is powerful to see your detachment. That you have clearly delineated what is YOURS and what is HIS. I am TRYING to disentangle myself but seems more time spent together I get mixed up again.

Your strength gives me strength and am so glad you are at a place where you are OUTSIDE of the levels of insanity that we sink into when we listen to our addict and are able to see from the outside IN and observe the absurdity.

BigSis

(((Mavis)))) The clarity can be startling! Thank you for sharing... it helps with MY clarity.

(((hugs))))

outonalimb

(((((Mavis)))))

Your post warmed my heart. It really, truly did.

I admire you SSSOOOO MMMMUUUCCCCHHH. Yes...so very much.
You are doing so well...Isn't it great when we have those moments of clarity where it all makes sense...if only for a while. Don't you wish you could just bottle it up and save it for a rainy day? No need to do that, though...Not really. Your recovery is on solid ground and I have a very strong suspicion that you are going to soar from this point forward. Good for you, Mavis...Good for you!!!!!!

I'm so glad you're here with us!!
Happy easter with your little man.
Mega, mega hugs to you today...