Love and guilt and the rest (long)
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Love and guilt and the rest (long)
I thought I might post this...kind of thinking out loud, because I feel it falls close to what we often experience...
My Father had a very debilitating stroke just shy of two weeks ago. He is now stable, but he was transferred to a nursing home yesterday. My sister and I had to scramble like mice to make it happen. Today he is resting comfortably and stable.
Since his stroke occurred both sis and I knew he would not be coming home (her home). The decision to have him placed was difficult, but in a way a no brainer. The difficulty was in the emotional acceptance that this was what he needed to survive, and what he would not be pleased with. I've been in an odd and sort of bad place all week.
But today I'm happy...and I credit SR.
It dawned on me this morning after leaving him and making the financial arrangements that NONE of this was my choice or within MY control. I can't make him better, I can't cure him, and I couldn't for years control the abuse he put on his body by years of smoking and drinking. My Father was the "perfect" Dad, until we lost my mom. It was then that he spent 10+ years in a bottle of vodka. He was so very dedicated to my mom he just couldn't see the light.
He has been sober (by circumstances) for a good while, but the damage was done...this was his fourth stroke and a bad one.
If he chooses, he can try very hard, through therapy, to regain a comfortable life, socialize with others who know his pain and live...I can't do that for him.
But I can be there emotionally...with no guilt that we "put" him there.
I've let that go...today.
I'm not sure if this makes sense or if you will see it as I have...but I credit what I've learned here as to why I seem to be OK, today, with where things lie.
Wishing all of you peace and serenity
((((hugs))))
Cece
My Father had a very debilitating stroke just shy of two weeks ago. He is now stable, but he was transferred to a nursing home yesterday. My sister and I had to scramble like mice to make it happen. Today he is resting comfortably and stable.
Since his stroke occurred both sis and I knew he would not be coming home (her home). The decision to have him placed was difficult, but in a way a no brainer. The difficulty was in the emotional acceptance that this was what he needed to survive, and what he would not be pleased with. I've been in an odd and sort of bad place all week.
But today I'm happy...and I credit SR.
It dawned on me this morning after leaving him and making the financial arrangements that NONE of this was my choice or within MY control. I can't make him better, I can't cure him, and I couldn't for years control the abuse he put on his body by years of smoking and drinking. My Father was the "perfect" Dad, until we lost my mom. It was then that he spent 10+ years in a bottle of vodka. He was so very dedicated to my mom he just couldn't see the light.
He has been sober (by circumstances) for a good while, but the damage was done...this was his fourth stroke and a bad one.
If he chooses, he can try very hard, through therapy, to regain a comfortable life, socialize with others who know his pain and live...I can't do that for him.
But I can be there emotionally...with no guilt that we "put" him there.
I've let that go...today.
I'm not sure if this makes sense or if you will see it as I have...but I credit what I've learned here as to why I seem to be OK, today, with where things lie.
Wishing all of you peace and serenity
((((hugs))))
Cece
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am glad you have come to terms with your self. it is not our fault bad things happen to others.we can do so much & do it comfortable.you & your sister have done what you could & the rest it up to him. hugs to you cece & prayers for you all.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
CeCe
I am so glad that you don't have the Guilt that you "put him there". I have had several friends who have had to do the same thing with their parents. After they finally made the move, they were at peace, much like you sound like you are. Good for you.
It is never an easy decision, but it doesn't seem like you had any other options.
Hugs to you tonight
Terri
I am so glad that you don't have the Guilt that you "put him there". I have had several friends who have had to do the same thing with their parents. After they finally made the move, they were at peace, much like you sound like you are. Good for you.
It is never an easy decision, but it doesn't seem like you had any other options.
Hugs to you tonight
Terri
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Cece))))))
I'm sending prayers up for you, your dad, and your sister, too.
Hard decision to make, I'm sure, but the right one, imo.
You did what needed to be done. My mother had a stroke after years of drinking. The worst, after her husband was killed on a motorcycle.
Her internal organs began shutting down, and spent a week on life support.
It took the strength and courage of my big brother, (also an alcoholic)
to have us let her go with God.
Support from me for the courage and strength that you and your sister showed. It means you love him. I pray that his rehabilitation is easy and his limits, unlimited again one day.
The rest, as they say...is
I'm sending prayers up for you, your dad, and your sister, too.
Hard decision to make, I'm sure, but the right one, imo.
You did what needed to be done. My mother had a stroke after years of drinking. The worst, after her husband was killed on a motorcycle.
Her internal organs began shutting down, and spent a week on life support.
It took the strength and courage of my big brother, (also an alcoholic)
to have us let her go with God.
Support from me for the courage and strength that you and your sister showed. It means you love him. I pray that his rehabilitation is easy and his limits, unlimited again one day.
The rest, as they say...is
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
cece,
You sound so clear headed and what you shared is wisdom acquired...and it all makes perfect sense because it's the right thing to do for him.
I'm so relieved that you are accepting of what needed to be done. It's not always easy to get our heart to 'match up' with what we know is true.
hugs & prayers,
cmc
You sound so clear headed and what you shared is wisdom acquired...and it all makes perfect sense because it's the right thing to do for him.
I'm so relieved that you are accepting of what needed to be done. It's not always easy to get our heart to 'match up' with what we know is true.
hugs & prayers,
cmc
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Cece, You're right... the things we learn here do help tremendously in understanding our role in the ups and downs of life. I'm so glad you are letting go of the guilt and moving forward. You've got lots of love to share with your dad...I hope there are many precious moments yet for the two of you. Hugs and continued prayers for you and your family.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
ditto to what greet said, glad to hear that you have come to terms with your feelings and know that you and your sis have done all you can, not maybe you can get some rest and your father can get the care he needs. i think you did the right thing too. still praying for you and your family with a special prayer for your father, hope he feels better soon.
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