another version of the phone question
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
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another version of the phone question
a while back someone asked why the addicts don't answer the phone. and we got a lot of great answers.
so here is the other side of the coin--why do we keep calling and calling them?
the abf asked me this yesterday. He said "I told you I would never answer when I am like that, and I did send you a message."
so these are some of my answers:
1. I still have some stupid hope that he is not actually doing drugs (despite all the evidence) and that he will answer and say "Oh, I have been home sleeping and the phone was on silent..."
2. Conversely, I want him to just say "I am doing drugs." as a way to confirm with certainty that he is so that I will know what to expect out of the next few days. (whether he will turn up here, or if I have to, as usual, drive some stuff that he needs, that he left here because he thought he was coming back, to his place).
3. Some misguided idea that if he talks to me or at least sees it is me calling that he will put down what he is doing and leave.
4. Show him I know what he is doing and that he isn't fooling anyone.
5. A way of making him feel bad about what he is doing--perhaps guilty, to let him know I think he is a sh*t for doing it...anger, resentment, etc. Basically a desire to make him feel as rotten about it as I do. I sure as heck do not want him to enjoy it and keeping my presence there in some way takes away some of that enjoyment.
6. to maintain some sort of connection with him since it feels like he is so, so, so far away, like when the guys that orbited the moon when round the other side and we were out of radio contact with them.
7. A feeling like I am doing something, rather than just restlessly waiting to hear if he is dead or alive.
These are some of the reasons I came up with. Yeah, some are typical codie stuff. Some might even be kind of sick....I truly wish I could just put the phone down and go to sleep when I get that first indication that he has taken off for the crack house. I have occasionally, and it definitely worked out better in the end for me. But there are times when I get carried away with my fear and anger and resentment (and my addiction --the abf-- being taken away from me) and I just relapse into that codie-call-again and again again silliness.
so here is the other side of the coin--why do we keep calling and calling them?
the abf asked me this yesterday. He said "I told you I would never answer when I am like that, and I did send you a message."
so these are some of my answers:
1. I still have some stupid hope that he is not actually doing drugs (despite all the evidence) and that he will answer and say "Oh, I have been home sleeping and the phone was on silent..."
2. Conversely, I want him to just say "I am doing drugs." as a way to confirm with certainty that he is so that I will know what to expect out of the next few days. (whether he will turn up here, or if I have to, as usual, drive some stuff that he needs, that he left here because he thought he was coming back, to his place).
3. Some misguided idea that if he talks to me or at least sees it is me calling that he will put down what he is doing and leave.
4. Show him I know what he is doing and that he isn't fooling anyone.
5. A way of making him feel bad about what he is doing--perhaps guilty, to let him know I think he is a sh*t for doing it...anger, resentment, etc. Basically a desire to make him feel as rotten about it as I do. I sure as heck do not want him to enjoy it and keeping my presence there in some way takes away some of that enjoyment.
6. to maintain some sort of connection with him since it feels like he is so, so, so far away, like when the guys that orbited the moon when round the other side and we were out of radio contact with them.
7. A feeling like I am doing something, rather than just restlessly waiting to hear if he is dead or alive.
These are some of the reasons I came up with. Yeah, some are typical codie stuff. Some might even be kind of sick....I truly wish I could just put the phone down and go to sleep when I get that first indication that he has taken off for the crack house. I have occasionally, and it definitely worked out better in the end for me. But there are times when I get carried away with my fear and anger and resentment (and my addiction --the abf-- being taken away from me) and I just relapse into that codie-call-again and again again silliness.
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For the first time ever I tried calling some of those mystery numbers he called...didn't know what the heck I would say. some were taxi companies, but when I got some real people I just asked for a made up person and then said I had the wrong number. I mean--what stupid logic, was I going to say "Did you sell drugs to XX?"
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cops probably know them all already. I always figure that if I know where the crack houses are and such like, then the cops must also...I am sure those places are under surveillance. the abf once observed "The cops probably have pictures of you and your car too" since I picked him up at one a couple of times. I was so excited at the though the cops might come and question me and I could tell them what I know. HA. Sometimes I think I just might go do us all a favor and firebomb the place...HA HA. But there are dozens more just like it.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i don't know too much about calling mine couldnt keep a phone long enough for me to remember the number.
he got one for his bday in early march, and so far he still has it, and i still try not to call cause i don't want to know anything.
he got one for his bday in early march, and so far he still has it, and i still try not to call cause i don't want to know anything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
I love this thread It makes me laugh at myself. I ermember (not too long ago) calling him over and over, redail, redail....just to **** him off. Ya I had thought that he probobly just put it on silent...but maybe he couldn't make a call to his dealer becouse I was tying up his line. Ha Ha I was insane that night. thank god today is better....I always wondered why they don't answer! He will sometimes text me back but never phone. Any way thanks for the thread!
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ok, I needed this thread more than anything in the world... This answered sooo many of my questions of my CH disappearing in the middle of the night and not being able to get him on the phone. Notice, normally we talk on the phone 10-15 times a day and he ALWAYS answers my calls. So, now I told him "expect me to think that you are cracking it when you don't answer the phone.. I don't care what you are doing." So like what do they do?? Look at the phone and see that its just and just ignore it??? Or leave the phone in their vehicles??? Maybe I could install a little hidden camera on the phone of a CH just to see what happens when a girlfriend or wife calls... just kidding!!! Can you imagine?? A documentary "The life of a cell phone during drug use."
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'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I used to call because of your Nos. 3, 4, 5 and 7.
But when/if I finally got him on the phone all I had to say was, "What are you doing?!" (duh!) "Where are you?" (like that would've made a difference if I knew) "Stop and just come home" (yeah...like that was going to happen)
But when/if I finally got him on the phone all I had to say was, "What are you doing?!" (duh!) "Where are you?" (like that would've made a difference if I knew) "Stop and just come home" (yeah...like that was going to happen)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Oneeyeopen, I actually did call the numbers on my daughter's cell phone and told them that I knew they were dealing to my daughter (I used her name). I am sure most of the dealers did not know my daughter from Adam, but I thought that I would try. That was over a year and a half ago and it changed nothing. Now I leave it alone. As for calling my daughter, I did it to make her feel guilty, try to catch her sounding high (she was lieing and saying she was not doing drugs) or just to p*ss her off. I also text messaged her to see how long it would take for her to answer. If it took too long I would say, "nodding off, huh". Like she was going to say, "Yes, mom, actually I am."
Thank goodness those crazy days are behind me. Marle
Thank goodness those crazy days are behind me. Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
im like teke my as phone was "stolen" yeah right, daddy's not buying anymore and he hasnt seemed to be able to come up with the cash for one, so until he does , in the words of forrest gump "one less thing"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
I think it is important that we don't get too down on us for being concerned. I think it is ordinary for someone to worry, become curious or frantic apon waking to a loved ones disappearance in the middle of the night. It is understandable to me what we do and why, just only in healthy, loving relationships which a relationship with an addict is NOT. I have read soo many concocted stories of addicts on SR and read the person not unlike myself desperatley trying to justify believing this obvious BS lies. In many A regardless of whether they are playing druggie games with us or having an affair at that exact moment we are calling, they are the guilty ones, not us for caring one way or the other. The only power that our A have over us is our caring nature and yet they use that against us as a weapon or a tool to harm us. The phone issue is only one of soooo many that make me crazy about As. I stopped calling when I was through with my xagf and her deciept and it was a great thing. I do hope that you good and kind people while detaching from your A don't find yourself turning into a normie. The world is full of rude, inconsiderate, selfish people incapable of love as it is. Find a healthy life with or without your A and love your life, your family and yourself, things will get better.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Noah,
There is is big difference between being concerned and displaying obsessive behavior. The cell phone thing has gotten out of control, years ago we couldn't keep up the redialing frenzy, and, we were not cell phone stalkers.
I agree with you otherwise, however, it is not understandable to me why we do what we do...I guess it's just codie behavior. Been there, done that, found a healthy life, and I am at peace.
Sounds like you are too!
There is is big difference between being concerned and displaying obsessive behavior. The cell phone thing has gotten out of control, years ago we couldn't keep up the redialing frenzy, and, we were not cell phone stalkers.
I agree with you otherwise, however, it is not understandable to me why we do what we do...I guess it's just codie behavior. Been there, done that, found a healthy life, and I am at peace.
Sounds like you are too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
Dolly I would agree with you completely. My point was not to take away from our own actions as they are obsessive at times but to point out it starts from something good inside of us all. In a situation like addiction our own resolve is challenged to a level by our addicts that we tend to fail miserabley. In a normal loving relationship, whether it be lovers, friends or family we are not challenged by our loved ones to fail in such a way. Instead we are, or should be, strenthened in the trust, love and the respect we have for one another. It is a slippery slope we codies are on and we are destined to slip and fall from time to time, even the normies do. I wanted to state that of the people I know, and I have a family full of codies, we are great people. It is our exsposure to an unnatural stimuli that drives us utterly insane. I think codie people are the cream of the crop though sometimes a few bad Apples do spoil the bushel. Of the relationships I have had in my life, I have been a codie and loved as much or more for that reason. I would hate that someone might turn hard inside, in self defense and end up like so many others in todays world. Thanks for the comments and no there were no cell phone maniacs back in the day. Also there were'nt any text message holics like I know excist today. I did not mean to say that codies don't have faults only that I think you all are very special people. Oh and yes I am doing good again, I wish you all who have not found a healthy life the same too.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The addict will use or not use, regardless of whether we call, trace his billed calls, or stand on our heads singing "Walkin' After Midnight". We have no control over that.
Now we can choose to drive ourselves crazy calling and calling knowing they will not answer. We can sit up late even when we have to work the next day and make ourselves cranky and sick. And we can play Dick Tracey until the cows come home...and it still won't change a thing.
I know because I did all those things with my son and all it did was make me sicker.
It took practice but finding something healthier to do made me feel a lot better, about myself if not him. Going for coffee with a friend, reading a good book, watching a great movie, going for a walk...all these things help me stop obsessing. Saying a prayer and just going to bed helped me get proper rest instead of staying up all night. (I eventually set a curfew boundary because I got tired of not sleeping).
The thing is, we do have a choice. We can let our circumstances make us miserable or we can change our circumstances and do something healthy for ourselves.
We hold the key to our happiness and all we have to do is use it.
Hugs
Now we can choose to drive ourselves crazy calling and calling knowing they will not answer. We can sit up late even when we have to work the next day and make ourselves cranky and sick. And we can play Dick Tracey until the cows come home...and it still won't change a thing.
I know because I did all those things with my son and all it did was make me sicker.
It took practice but finding something healthier to do made me feel a lot better, about myself if not him. Going for coffee with a friend, reading a good book, watching a great movie, going for a walk...all these things help me stop obsessing. Saying a prayer and just going to bed helped me get proper rest instead of staying up all night. (I eventually set a curfew boundary because I got tired of not sleeping).
The thing is, we do have a choice. We can let our circumstances make us miserable or we can change our circumstances and do something healthy for ourselves.
We hold the key to our happiness and all we have to do is use it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
This post assures me that I AM normal in the sense that we have all experienced similar "calling obsessions."
Going down the numbered list I was like "Uh huh, yep, check" next to almost everyone.
The obsessive calling is VERY much a part of my addiction. The repeated calling- even when he does answer just to bicker with him. I KNOW i am looking for some abstract validation outside myself (from him) that everything will be alright - hoping that he may return to his normal self and calm me down.
The WORST is when he would get into a big fight with me over the phone, have the last word and hang up. Then turn OFF his phone. I would be in a complete, crazy wreck the entire night.
Ann- I think you are right- I think it is a choice of whether or not to act on a thought, impluse, etc. It seems giving into that primary behvaior can create an avalanche of codie, obsessive chain reactions - that self defeating pattern we fall into when we completely lose the focus that we are powerless over where they are at. I think I am just a point where I think that can be possible, but know it will be difficult to get there- that it will take alot of trial and error or concious, uncomfortable choosing to FIGHT that "need to know" or the call and call and call impulse.
Going down the numbered list I was like "Uh huh, yep, check" next to almost everyone.
The obsessive calling is VERY much a part of my addiction. The repeated calling- even when he does answer just to bicker with him. I KNOW i am looking for some abstract validation outside myself (from him) that everything will be alright - hoping that he may return to his normal self and calm me down.
The WORST is when he would get into a big fight with me over the phone, have the last word and hang up. Then turn OFF his phone. I would be in a complete, crazy wreck the entire night.
Ann- I think you are right- I think it is a choice of whether or not to act on a thought, impluse, etc. It seems giving into that primary behvaior can create an avalanche of codie, obsessive chain reactions - that self defeating pattern we fall into when we completely lose the focus that we are powerless over where they are at. I think I am just a point where I think that can be possible, but know it will be difficult to get there- that it will take alot of trial and error or concious, uncomfortable choosing to FIGHT that "need to know" or the call and call and call impulse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
oh yes the phone ...
lolol
it does drive me carzy sometiems.. calling than no answer than i know something is worng,, than i get sad it slike a chain.....
oh well i really wantto learn to do what ann said,, just stop worry,,,
i guess it will take lots of work form my side to do it.. but slowly step by step ill work on everything,,,,
lolol
it does drive me carzy sometiems.. calling than no answer than i know something is worng,, than i get sad it slike a chain.....
oh well i really wantto learn to do what ann said,, just stop worry,,,
i guess it will take lots of work form my side to do it.. but slowly step by step ill work on everything,,,,
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Ann- I think you are right- I think it is a choice of whether or not to act on a thought, impluse, etc. It seems giving into that primary behvaior can create an avalanche of codie, obsessive chain reactions - that self defeating pattern we fall into when we completely lose the focus that we are powerless over where they are at.
I do think it is difficult not to call when you are concerned about safety, but why do we do it obsessively, repeatedly non-stop? Let's face it, if there was no answer 45 seconds ago, there isn't going to be one now. IMO, it's based on obsession and a need to control. That type of behavior wore me out fast and brought me to my knees into the rooms of Naranon and SR. And recovery helped me let go of obsessive and controling behavior and also discover for the first time in my life the other subtle ways I tried to control what I can not and should not control...which is basically everything but me and my actions. And that leads to finding more happiness and serenity.
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