Leslie1210

Hi Everyone,
I have something I would like some ideas on and I'll try to keep it short.
I have a sister who is an addict and has some mental health problems as well.
Several years ago we had a falling out and it's taken me a long time to feel ok about it. I have tried many things to work it out with her and none of it has mattered.
I also stopped trying to fix things last year and have not attempted to talk with her. I have focused on forgiveness for my own soul.
Today my Mom told me that she gave my sister my address and she is going to write. I think this is odd since I stopped trying to talk to her.
I was really stunned that my Mom would do this. I have also responed with a lot of anger in the past and don't want to do that to myself anymore.

My goal is to maintain being forgiving and to be at peace over not having a relationship with her anymore.
I really don't know what to do about this.
What I want to do if she does write is to find a way to say no to her that is gentle, for my sake.
and yes.. I know there is an issue here with my Mom as well. Have to think about that one too.
anyway.. I'd be grateful to hear what others have to say.
thanks,
Leslie

teke

i htink if htere is still some unforgiveness on either of your parts, it hurts the beholder more. maybe if possible if your sister wants to talk about you guys differences, then maybe you could just consider it. if thats not possible, maybe its time that you take a deeper look inside to see why you are still so angry if thats the case. i'm a mother and i imagine that it hurts your mom to see you two, this way. sorry that this has happened between you two and i do pray that it gets better for all of you guys.

tropikgal2

The oly thing you can do is be truthful. Of course you know that it is not necessary to be nasty, just plain and simple.

hope213

you do not have to do anything that you are not comfortable with. you can not fix anything. i am sorry things are like they are with your family but sometimes we have to do what we have to do for the sake of our peace of mind. hugs & prayers,

marle

I think that you need to do what is good for you. Forgiveness is important, but it does not have to include a relationship with her again. My daughter is my addict and she is still active in her addiction. I have forgiven her in my heart for the things that she has done because I know that she was just doing what addicts do. But if I continue to have a relationship with her while she is still using then it just creates more resentment in me and I have to go through the whole emotional roller coaster thing again. That is not good for me. So instead I have accepted that because of her addiction, I can't have a relationship with her right now. I pray for her to get the help that she needs. But I am no longer willing to put my serenity on the line for her. At first I felt guilty because she is my daughter and I should be a loving mom. But I found that I could not be a loving mom and keep my sanity. If you do not want to talk to your sister, then that is your boundary and you have every right to keep that boundary in place. I hope that you find your answer. Hugs, Marle

itiswhatitis...

leslie,

the addict in my life is my sister too - she has mental health issues as well - she has told everyone she is bipolar and i can only imagine being bipolar and not being treated for it and smoking crack is hell to live with - the drama in my life (at the moment) is brought on by her actions - so, i too, don't care to hear about it - my life is easier when i don't have to hear about her issues - i, however, have phyiscal custody of her lil guys 2 & 4, so at some point will talk to her - i imagine - she hasn't contacted my in over a month - so maybe i won't - but alas, i know i will - the thing is i think if she would talk to me i might be at a place where i can be kind of understanding and not just angry - i want her to get better - for her sake and the sake of her kids - she's done a lot of bad things - but she is her kids mother...

my mom hurts - i konw she wants everyone to *just get along* but oh well - i can only be h onest with myself and her - i'm entitled to feel how i feel and i will - but if anyone was interested they might find i feel pretty ok - about the future - and my sisters actions - and i would talk to her - i don't want resentment to rule the day - it makes for a really bad day - and today i want to feel good - i hope you can too - feel good - about what ever you decide to do about the situation - the letter might surprise you - be open to what might be...

with love,
s

lostndconfuzed

I had a similar problem with my father. He is also an addict and has been in and out of my life since I remember. Well, I finally had to give up that relationship altogether because it was toxic to me and not fair to my kids.
I have forgiven my father because I know he is sick. And most of all, I have let go of the guilt that I had for wanting to give up the relationship. I know I made the best decision for me for once-- that is what recovery is all about.
If your sister does write to you, maybe just try writing her back and letting her know the reasons why you don't want a relationship with her anymore and ask that she respect that decision. That you still love her but you have to do what is best for you and that does not include her in your life.
It's so hard to know what the right thing is. I hope everything works out for you.

newblue82

As you've mentioned that it's taken you some time to accept you're no longer speaking with your sister, I think you'd go into anything with her with tentative steps. Having that slight shield of protection for yourself might prove beneficial. But if your sister writes you then I think it shows initiative on her part to perhaps mend the relationship. Then again, as she is an addict there's also the possibilty that the letter will be purely manipulative.

As difficult as it may be for your mom and even for yourself, you have to be real about the whole thing. If you feel that the relationship will still be a headache for you then I say keep things as is but if you feel there's a small chance things will be different then hey she's your sister, give it a try. By the way, if you have managed to find forgiveness in your heart for what has been lost between you two then good work!

Leslie1210

wow..thanks very much for all of your thoughtful reply's. I'm leaning towards waiting to hear from her and then going to therapy to look at what's healthy for me. I have always been available when she wanted to talk but it turned into very hurtful stuff for me. I don't want to hurt her or my Mom but I want to take really good care of myself. Perhaps there is a way to do both.
thanks again everyone!
Leslie