venusinlibra

My boyfriend completed Detox and went into residential treatment. After one day he came home because he said the treatment center was mixed with prison inmates and regular population. He is a regular guy and felt worried for his safety.

He is getting a sponsor tomorrow and will be going to meetings. His habit was pills due to a back injury, he was considered light care.

I need advice from others who have had a similar experience. I have been supportive, listened to him about how he felt, told him I think he should go to meetings, but it has to be his decision.

Is this normal? Is residential necessary to get sober? The detox program did wonders for him. He looks great and we are really having some wonderful conversations.

I love him dearly, I want the relationship to work, but I do not want to be co-dependent. I have never used drugs and very rarely drink.

Any thoughts, recommendations, pitfalls, etc. are helpful.

hope213

first off welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here.there is nothing u can do to keep your b.f. clean.there is lots of info here to help you. i believe your b.f. has a chance to stay clean if he comes home & goes to meetings EVERY NITE & works his steps( the same ones we work). it is all up to him. please keep coming back here & let us know how it goes.prayers for u both,hope

teke

welcome to sr, glad to meet you, the addict in my life is my husband, glad you found us. maybe you can read the stickies at the top of the forum, educate yourself about addiction and maybe a little about codependancy. stick around and keep posting there are a lot of caring people here who want to walk with you through this. sorry that you have to be here, but you have come to a life saving place.

i think that residential treatment would have helped a lot, but like you said, it is his choice. if he really wants to recover then meetings would be good. rehab is just the beginning of recovery, 90 meetings in 90 days is recommended in rehab, the hard part begins after rehab. i pray that he continues going to his meetings and finds a sponsor.

now for you, addiction effects all involved, maybe its time for you to think about how his addict has effected you if any, and maybe check out meetings for yourself. alanon and naranon meetings are good support groups that may help you to learn to take care of you while he takes care of himself.

Ann

Many get clean with the help of rehab and a program, many get clean just going to meetings and many get clean just all on their own. I think the success of the method is relative to the desire and willingness to do what needs to be done and to stay clean.

He may do well with this. I think it's a good sign that he is willing to go to meetings and begin working a great program.

My thoughts are to just relax and let life unfold. Maybe find yourself some meetings and work your program along with his.

Hugs

marle

When my daughter went to rehab, she viewed herself as not being as bad as the other people there. She was addicted to opiates too. She came home and went to a few meetings, then relapsed. One thing about addiction is that it is progressive. If and when my daughter ever goes to rehab again, she will definitely not be able to say she is not as bad as the others. Not saying this will happen to your boyfriend. But pain pill addiction is a toughy. Sending some prayers your way. Make sure to take care of you whatever happens with him. Being too involved in his recovery will just drive you crazy. Hugs, Marle

venusinlibra

He is going to his first meeting tomorrow, I am trying to be supportive but not an enabler. He is gathering around his sober friends to support the process and we will see what happens. I really love him but I am trying not to focus on the outcome but take it one day at a time.

kj0975

I was addicted to pain pills also. Its very possible to get clean and stay clean. I detoxed at home with no help. The withdrawl was hell and the worst was over in 3-4 days. Funny I kept using cause I was affraid of the withdrawl if I would have known it was 3-4 days I might have stopped long b4 that. I had the chills sweats diareaha no sleep not horrible but not fun. So hopefully he continues to go to meetings and hang out with clean friends. Sad part is I still have chronic pain but I learned the hard way that my addiction controls me I cant control it. So I have to be very careful and dont have access to any of my meds. He probably did think he was better than the rest especially if he wasnt there court ordered or doesnt have a criminal record. But we all know an addict is an addict he was addicted just like everyone else. His addiction just didnt get to the progression that it could esculate too. I started out with 1 pill a day and b4 I knew it was taking 5 then 8 then 10. Never more but non the less just because I held down a job and didnt rob people or write bad checks I was still an addict just caught my disease b4 it progressed to all those things. Focus on u and take care of yourself. I have been on both sides dating a crack addict and being addicted to pain pills. Neither one is fun but I learned to take care of me.

BigSis

He doesn't need rehab... I agree with Ann, lots get sober with no program, or just AA or NA.

But if I had to GUESS, I would guess his reason for leaving rehab was pure BS.

He's too good of an addict for those other addicts? What sort of thinking is that?

I guess he will find out. If he stays clean, then maybe he's right. If he doesn't, he may find that next time, he fits in quite well.

But that is HIS business. Yours is what YOU are doing...for you and about you.

Getting your focus off HIS addiction is part of the process of OUR recovery. The only way *I* was able to manage that was to get myself to Alanon. Those meetings helped me focus on the thing I could control.... me.

(((hugs))))

venusinlibra

Thank you for that message. I am going to my first AlAnon meeting tonight. I am tired of all the drama and I just want to get my life back on track.

havehope

venusinlibra

I hope your meeting tonight is good for you. I seem to feel sort of "refreshed" after going to a meeting.
Let us know how your meeting goes.

Keep posting here.

HUGS
Terri

shockozulu

I came off a bit harsh in my last post to you, I am glad you are going to Al-Anon. Please let us know how it goes, we care.

Or SMART Recovery (had to plug it )

I turned down rehab for one reason, and it wasn't that the addicts were 'worse than me' but that the place was outright dangerous, in the middle of our town's gang area. The night after I would have entered there was a non-fatal knifing. Was it the right thing for me? Yes I do think it was. I believe that putting myself in that situation would have exposed to me to more drugs and possible personal violence as the dorms were not well secured. It was not the addicts I was afraid of, even though I never did street drugs, it was the area of town. But for whatever reason, I got a plan in place ASAP so that I would stay away from temptation. I got phone numbers, people to support me, and of course my program. But that "I am better than them" just shows the flawed thinking of denial, that one addict is better than another.

venusinlibra

I want to my first AlAnon meeting which was pretty good. I think many people were there for sincere reasons and others (just men) were treating it like a pick up place for women. That is the only vibe I do not like at these meetings. I attended one other with my boyfriend and it seemed more like a social club. Has anyone else had that experience? I guess it is a natural way to meet others, but for some reason I still do not feel completely comfortable.

mooselips

Venus,
My oldest son also has the problem of being in a higher social class than others. IMO, it has to do with pride, and humility...which my son has very little of both...(but I'm hoping he acquires some soon....LOL)

I also agree, if the desire is there to remain sober, it can be done without meetings, or rehab...but the desire and acceptance has to be first.

Hugs to you,

venusinlibra

I went to my second meeting, different location and much more down to earth. I guess like any social group, you have to figure out where you fit in. My relationship is having its ups and downs. He is one month sober and still gets angry if I express any kind of emotion, or disagreement about any subject. It seems like if it is not about him 24/7, he doesn't want to hear it. Turns the tables on me, like I have the addiction problem. How do some of you handle that?

caughtinthemid

Hi Venus,

I have similar concerns with my addict son. I have learned that if he is truly working his steps I only have to plant a seed and back off. His HP does the rest. For both him and I. Since this is my kiddo and not my significant other, my role is different than yours.

I will defer now to others who are much wiser on this subject than me!

venusinlibra

I am getting the impression it is going to be a rollercoaster ride for awhile. My natural instinct is to help and protect. I have realized now that I need to give him space, let him make his own decisions, listen, and try to be supportive. On my own personal well being, I seek outside sources, or strength within to get me through the day. Everyday I feel different but I think I am moving in a positive direction.