To confront or not to confront?

Old 04-30-2003, 11:30 AM
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To confront or not to confront?

Or maybe I should say "To state my gut feelings and leave the room or NOT to state my gut feelings and leave the room?

I'll try to make long story short, but ya'll know me....lol

Daughter revealed to me on Monday, the week of finals at college, that she just quit going to class 2-3 weeks ago. Great, just great. Made it that far and quit because she 'was in a bad place." Ok, I didn't freak out. Knew she had been struggling, but she didn't explain what 'being in a bad place' really means. My gut tells me EXACTLY what it means...a slip. Ok, I still haven't freaked out. She cried and cried saying, "I'm just such a screw up. I just wanted to PROVE TO EVERYONE I could do it." RED FLAG time for me. You'll understand why in just a minute.

Last week she had a really bad day and called me crying. She called her sponsor and went to meetings after meetings, so she said. I haven't a clue when to believe her anymore.

But here is what I don't know how to handle. I know honesty is a huge part of the program, her's and mine. I KNOW she is the only one who can work her program. But the thing that really ticks me off is IF she is 'working' her dad and I by lying to us, manipulating us. (You'd think I'd be able to recognize manipulation completely by now, wouldn't you? I'm telling you, she is a GREAT actress!) She's confessed to some stuff like quitting classes in the last 2 weeks of the semester. Well, she had to. She knew grades would come sooner or later. But she has not admitted a slip. Now keep in mind I know that I AM NOT the one to have to know this. But she is still proclaiming she will have 6 months sobriety this Friday. RED FLAG. My daughter has ALWAYS hated admitting failure. I am 99.9% sure her pride is keeping her from admitting to her AA friends, including her sponsor, that she needs to pick up a white chip. Am I wrong in thinking that she's never going to conquer this thing if she isn't honest with herself and at least those in her AA group? That is what upsets me the most. I've been lied to before and it's continuing. I'll handle it. But if she's lying to herself and trying to fool others...well, I just don't think that's how you gain true sobriety. And yes, yes, Yes, I KNOW that is her's to figure out.

But do I tell her what my gut feeling is and leave it at that? It was drilled in my head at family counseling at the outpatient center where she attended for us to communicate and quit ignoring the elephant in the living room. I almost feel like if I don't say something I'm ignoring the elephant in the living room. I don't want a confrontation. Trust me on that one. We have learned to talk without it getting heated (most of the time). I told her this a.m. that I am trying to love and encourage her, just like my Al Anon training says I am to do. But I'm just wondering if I tell her my gut feeling, might it possibly help her to have the guts to be totally honest? I know she worries very much about disappointing her dad and I. Maybe if I take the burden of that (like a good little Ms. Fix It....smiles) off of her, she will realize she can admit to mistakes, not beat herself up for it and start over. I can accept that. I've told her that many times....if a slip occurs I know it's not the end of the world. The ticket is getting back up and trying again.

Ok, before I get raked over the coals....lol....let me add that her counselor at the outpatient clinic told me that my gut feelings have and are usually 'right on.' Also, her sponsor is only 1 year sober (I don't say that in a bad way) but she doesn't have a lot of sponsoring experience and my daughter is great at duping people.

Ok, lay it on me, all you successful, rational and experienced folks.... Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Last edited by Hangin' In; 04-30-2003 at 11:35 AM.
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Old 04-30-2003, 12:25 PM
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Just HAD to respond to your post.


When our A's are not drinking it is like holding your breath waiting for that slip. Our gut instincts are usually right, but we must let the A do things their way. If they slip, they slip. We must be there when they decide to come clean. Detachment with love seems to be the hardest part of this fight. If we could will someone not to use, there would be no addicts of any kind. She will eventually let you or her group into her situation, either by telling or outright using. In the meantime, hang in there and know you are not alone.
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Old 04-30-2003, 09:23 PM
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Hi Hangin' in.

I have lived in this dilemna. It is sort of... well not sort of... it's a personality trait of mine to clam up when things are troubling me. Add "detachment" to it, and I got to the point where I absolutely never said what was on my mind. However, all the dead air was a pretty clear indicator that something was wrong... at least wrong in my mind. And I also was thinking "Why say anything? You'll just invite a lie." It made a lot of days kind of dank and murky around here.

Would it have helped Dino to be open if I had been open about what was going on in my thoughts? I doubt it. But it would have gotten the gremlin out of the moldy basement of my mind. We can't expect to change what they do or think with our honesty. We don't need to be forthcoming for them. However, if we're bottling it up... who are we doing that for? Is it because we're trying not to disturb their recovery? If so... phooey. Whether you choose to open up or refrain... do it for you. We don't have to protect them from our doubts. And keeping a doubt silent doesn't kill it anyway.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 05-01-2003, 07:06 AM
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Hangin in...
How are you my friend... I struggle with the same thing... I really struggled with it when I first started posting here... I could never understand why an addict lied... esp to themselves... My hubby did the same thing... He would attend meetings... (well that's where I thought he was...)...talk to counselors... talk about being sober all the time... but he was not... He was lying to me... and he was lying to himself... I always thought in my head it would of been so much easier for me... If he would just tell me he was using????? I would tell him if your going to use... then use... don't make a big secret out of it... and let me decide what I am going to do.... But the truth was... According to hubby now... That he never wanted to use... he wanted to believe that he was not using and that he would stop after this one last fix!!!!
I know sounds crazy doesn't it!!!
Sounds like your daughter is headed into the right direction... Every little bit of rehab, meetings, whatever helps... She will pick up a tool here and there and there and here...
Well Hangin in... I'm sending you tons of Hugs...
Love your friend in recovery,
Clowie
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Old 05-01-2003, 08:59 AM
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Clowie, thanks so much for your post.

I try so hard to have some compassion for "Dog" and his addiction, but I often fail. He has lied about being sober to everyone. But, I see how HE really wanted it to be true.

And there is hope in realizing that every meeting, phone call & therapy session he may pick up a tool. So often, I give up all hope.
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Old 05-03-2003, 05:06 PM
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As the alcoholic in this scenario, I say confront her and let the chips fall where they may. I wish my parents had said something to me. I might have gotten my **** together a lot sooner. You can't get her well but ignoring the 'elephant' is not good for you. If your wrong and she's still sober then apologize. Tell her you did it out of love. But I wouldn't be too concerned about her feelings, IF your gut is telling you she is drinking again.

Sleep on it and talk to someone else who knows her, if you can, before confronting her.
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