New here and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California
Posts: 6
New here and scared
Hi everyone! I'm so glad that I found this message board. I have been reading some of the posts and I don't feel alone anymore.
I am a RA. I was in a court ordered residential rehabilitation program for 1 year (I got to take my 4 year old). My Husband was very supportive to me and while I was there he was supposed to be working on his own recovery.
Well, he lied. He didn't work on anything. In fact, now I believe that he is worse than before.
I have been home for one month and I don't even know this person I married. Money is disappearing. I never know what kind of mood he is going to be in. One minute he is apologizing to me telling me he is never going to touch those things again(pain killers) and the next he is in a rage packing up all my stuff and telling me to get out in front of our 4 year old.
When I tell him I will leave, he tells me to leave her with him. Then the next minute he tells me I can have her. He tells me to explain things to her and tell her that I broke up our family.
I am living a nightmare. Emotionally I don't think I can take much more. I have no money anymore. I have nothing. And he knows it.
I have the opportunity to go into a sober living home. I know my family will support me. The only thing stopping me right now is my child. What will it be like for her? Will he try to take her from me? I'm so worried about her.
I know I deserve better than this. I know that I am a good person. I know he loves me but his addiction has taken over. The hardest thing in the world to do is to walk away and end my marriage but what other choice do I have?
He tells me he doesn't need "help"- he can do it on his own. After being in rehab for a year I know that isn't true.
Thanks for listening. I look forward to getting to know everyone here and having a support system.
I am a RA. I was in a court ordered residential rehabilitation program for 1 year (I got to take my 4 year old). My Husband was very supportive to me and while I was there he was supposed to be working on his own recovery.
Well, he lied. He didn't work on anything. In fact, now I believe that he is worse than before.
I have been home for one month and I don't even know this person I married. Money is disappearing. I never know what kind of mood he is going to be in. One minute he is apologizing to me telling me he is never going to touch those things again(pain killers) and the next he is in a rage packing up all my stuff and telling me to get out in front of our 4 year old.
When I tell him I will leave, he tells me to leave her with him. Then the next minute he tells me I can have her. He tells me to explain things to her and tell her that I broke up our family.
I am living a nightmare. Emotionally I don't think I can take much more. I have no money anymore. I have nothing. And he knows it.
I have the opportunity to go into a sober living home. I know my family will support me. The only thing stopping me right now is my child. What will it be like for her? Will he try to take her from me? I'm so worried about her.
I know I deserve better than this. I know that I am a good person. I know he loves me but his addiction has taken over. The hardest thing in the world to do is to walk away and end my marriage but what other choice do I have?
He tells me he doesn't need "help"- he can do it on his own. After being in rehab for a year I know that isn't true.
Thanks for listening. I look forward to getting to know everyone here and having a support system.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
When I left with my 5 year old, I had horrible thoughts in my mind about me breaking up "the family". How would my little guy react? That horrible feeling kept me at home for a looong time.
It's been over a month since I moved out with our son, and he is doing great~ Kids are good that way. It helped with his father and I not arguing around him, or at all infact. We both sat him down and told him that mommy and daddy are going to be living in different homes and he was o.k with it.
A few days' had past and he asked to go home, but he stopped. The love here is so much different and he has the most happy mom now ever!
It may be different with you. It sounds like he's gone bizzerk. That's a No No when kids are involved. It's not only making it hard for you, but 100x worse for your child.
I hope you figure things out for your sanity and your child. Oh, and congradulations on being clean!
It's been over a month since I moved out with our son, and he is doing great~ Kids are good that way. It helped with his father and I not arguing around him, or at all infact. We both sat him down and told him that mommy and daddy are going to be living in different homes and he was o.k with it.
A few days' had past and he asked to go home, but he stopped. The love here is so much different and he has the most happy mom now ever!
It may be different with you. It sounds like he's gone bizzerk. That's a No No when kids are involved. It's not only making it hard for you, but 100x worse for your child.
I hope you figure things out for your sanity and your child. Oh, and congradulations on being clean!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Hi ,
I am pretty new here too. I can't tell yu how helpful this site is to me. It puts things in perspective. you are not alone. It helps to talk to peole who are not directly in your life I find. An outside view. Our friends don't really get it sometimes. and sometimes I find I don't always want to tell them my problems and my addicts problems. I am glad yu found this site and I hope you will find your strength to take your daughter to a safe healthy enviroment. better when she is yung than hanging around a few years and then trying to leave I think.
I am pretty new here too. I can't tell yu how helpful this site is to me. It puts things in perspective. you are not alone. It helps to talk to peole who are not directly in your life I find. An outside view. Our friends don't really get it sometimes. and sometimes I find I don't always want to tell them my problems and my addicts problems. I am glad yu found this site and I hope you will find your strength to take your daughter to a safe healthy enviroment. better when she is yung than hanging around a few years and then trying to leave I think.
Last edited by kj21; 04-04-2007 at 09:58 AM. Reason: spelling
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry you are going through all of this and i do understand your concern for your little girl. maybe you could first take the focus completely off him and turn the focus on you. decide what you want your life to look like in the near future and work toward that goal. come up with an plan to become more self sufficient, maybe you can check social services to see what help they can offer, also your family. i don't know how quick a judge will award kids to an active addicted parent over a clean and sober recovery one. maybe you could talk to a lawyer, legal aide maybe.
it was very hard for me to live with my addict and continue in my own recovery, so try to stay focused and stay strong. i know that you may be afraid, but how you live your life depends on the decisions that you make. its possible that he may be just manipulating you by using these threats. i say do what you have to do to getyou and your daughter to safety and let him do what he has to do. kind of sounds like he's trying to scare you in to staying in such an unhealthy. be true to self and i pray that all else will work itself out.
it was very hard for me to live with my addict and continue in my own recovery, so try to stay focused and stay strong. i know that you may be afraid, but how you live your life depends on the decisions that you make. its possible that he may be just manipulating you by using these threats. i say do what you have to do to getyou and your daughter to safety and let him do what he has to do. kind of sounds like he's trying to scare you in to staying in such an unhealthy. be true to self and i pray that all else will work itself out.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((Lost)))))Just want to add my support on your clean time.
Way da go! It's inspiring to read threads about addicts recovering
and really getting it. I'm proud of you and the fact that you want what is
best for you and your daughter.
I agree about focusing on you, and letting hp take control when it comes to your ah. He's going to do what he wants. This is your time, gf.
Are you working at all? Do you have a good relationship with family members? What are their thoughts? How about meetings? Maybe some insight from your peers might lead you in the right direction.
Keep coming back for prayers, support, and hugs, cause you definitely need'em. Your going through alot and I admire your strength and determination.
Keep the faith, stay strong, safe, and take care of you and your child.
We're here for ya.
A new sr buddy,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Hi Lost! Im a recovering addict too. My DOC was meth and pain pills. I am now clean and sober a year and 4months. I have 3 kids and a significant other, who isnt an addict. He doesnt work a program for himself. He accuses me alot of the same thing your husband does. Except my bf has legal custody of our children. He uses them in private to get at me when things dont go his way. He guilts me into feeling like Ive done everything wrong. So I do know where your coming from. To be honest, I think my bf says things like that to just get his way when it really comes down to it, he wont do anything. He just needs to blow up, say things he doesnt mean, and he's over it. Like it never happened. This isnt good for me nor is it good for the kids. So for me I had to set boundaries. He packs up my stuff and says he's keeping the kids, fine, let him. But this only is with my bf. I cant say how it will be for you. Try to find boundaries that you can set and that if you have to, follow through with them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I will tell you what others on this site have told me-- deciding whether to LEAVE or STAY is a tremendous life change and pressing question to bear. I've been told that deciding what I can do NOW -- TODAY -- to take care of myself (baby steps) is a step in the right direction.
We don't need to know what decision we will ultimately make with our addicts- whether we are willing to put up with this long term is a decision that should not be made when we are weak and they have us wrapped up in the insanity of their addiction. Congratulations on your recovery time!
What's difficult is that your husband is NOT in his own recovery so when you may be expecting him to see eye-to-eye with you, you should remember he is in active addiction and at this point he cannot be viewed as a fully functioning being. This has been one of the most difficult things to accept for me.
You do deserve better, but unfortunately in stuations like these I am learning that it is our duty to ourselves (however weak we may feel...) to step up to the plate and begin to learn that WE are the only one who can CONTROL our lives and that if we are wishing and hoping that they will change- that is something we can never count on.
And it is painful and sad because despite how awful things are - we do love them. This is the difficult piece of the whole pie.
We don't need to know what decision we will ultimately make with our addicts- whether we are willing to put up with this long term is a decision that should not be made when we are weak and they have us wrapped up in the insanity of their addiction. Congratulations on your recovery time!
What's difficult is that your husband is NOT in his own recovery so when you may be expecting him to see eye-to-eye with you, you should remember he is in active addiction and at this point he cannot be viewed as a fully functioning being. This has been one of the most difficult things to accept for me.
You do deserve better, but unfortunately in stuations like these I am learning that it is our duty to ourselves (however weak we may feel...) to step up to the plate and begin to learn that WE are the only one who can CONTROL our lives and that if we are wishing and hoping that they will change- that is something we can never count on.
And it is painful and sad because despite how awful things are - we do love them. This is the difficult piece of the whole pie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California
Posts: 6
thanks!!!
Thank you for all the support. I feel so much better because I'm not alone.
Well, I finally got a hold of my family advocate this morning- - she supported me while I was at the program. She is going to look into maybe filing papers for custody before I actually leave so that way I am covered and he won't do anything stupid and call the police. I talked to the sober living home and I guess they have lawyers on site that will help me. I just have to find a way to get over there and check it out. I am a little hesitant only because the program that I was in was very hard on my daughter. I know this is probably nothing like that, but I do want to check things out. It is a home for women with children so I'm sure it will be fine. They have aa meetings every friday night and a bbq after and the kids get to swim. It sounds okay.
I know that his addiction has totally taken over and I know that it's not his fault!!! Unfortunately, he can't see it right now. I don't know how to make him see it. I realized this morning that I have no control over what he is doing. As many times as I try to threaten that I'm leaving-- plead with him to stop to save our marriage --do it for the kids-- he doesn't get it. I can't keep walking on eggshells- investigating every move he makes to try to prove that he is using- I know he is and that's it.
I feel like I made a good decision for myself and my daughter. It is going to be hard but after going through a year of rehab, I know I can do this.
Well, I finally got a hold of my family advocate this morning- - she supported me while I was at the program. She is going to look into maybe filing papers for custody before I actually leave so that way I am covered and he won't do anything stupid and call the police. I talked to the sober living home and I guess they have lawyers on site that will help me. I just have to find a way to get over there and check it out. I am a little hesitant only because the program that I was in was very hard on my daughter. I know this is probably nothing like that, but I do want to check things out. It is a home for women with children so I'm sure it will be fine. They have aa meetings every friday night and a bbq after and the kids get to swim. It sounds okay.
I know that his addiction has totally taken over and I know that it's not his fault!!! Unfortunately, he can't see it right now. I don't know how to make him see it. I realized this morning that I have no control over what he is doing. As many times as I try to threaten that I'm leaving-- plead with him to stop to save our marriage --do it for the kids-- he doesn't get it. I can't keep walking on eggshells- investigating every move he makes to try to prove that he is using- I know he is and that's it.
I feel like I made a good decision for myself and my daughter. It is going to be hard but after going through a year of rehab, I know I can do this.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Down South Here
Posts: 35
Hey Lost, Welcome to SR,
I am new here also and I can tell you that this site is awesome. Feel free to write anything. You will get lots of opinions and insight. I wish I could give you some but our situations are very different. All I can do is say that I am here. Take care...
INLOVEWITHCH
.
I am new here also and I can tell you that this site is awesome. Feel free to write anything. You will get lots of opinions and insight. I wish I could give you some but our situations are very different. All I can do is say that I am here. Take care...
INLOVEWITHCH
.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
Congratulations on your own recovery!
I can't say enough how much attending Nar-Anon meetings has helped me. If you are able to find a Nar-Anon meeting or an Al-Anon meeting, I hope you will be able to make it to one or two. Even after attending just one meeting, I left with an increased sense of strength and serenity. Before I started going to meetings, I was certain that I'd never be able to leave my husband, no matter what. While I haven't left him, the skills and the support that I've found in those rooms have helped me realize that i CAN leave it it is right for me--I can get out, I can take care of myself, and I can be fine on my own.
I was married previously to an alcoholic, and I left him. I never attended meetings until this new relationship, but it has made a world of difference. I think I would have left my first husband much sooner if I'd been involved in an Al-Anon group at the time. The wisdom that you'll find there is often simple and obvious, but sharing stories (much as we do on this forum) and hearing that you aren't alone, that there is nothing so messed up that it can't be improved, and that you are only responsible for the decisions you make for yourself (and, obviously, as a mother, for your child) is so empowering.
Good luck to you!
I can't say enough how much attending Nar-Anon meetings has helped me. If you are able to find a Nar-Anon meeting or an Al-Anon meeting, I hope you will be able to make it to one or two. Even after attending just one meeting, I left with an increased sense of strength and serenity. Before I started going to meetings, I was certain that I'd never be able to leave my husband, no matter what. While I haven't left him, the skills and the support that I've found in those rooms have helped me realize that i CAN leave it it is right for me--I can get out, I can take care of myself, and I can be fine on my own.
I was married previously to an alcoholic, and I left him. I never attended meetings until this new relationship, but it has made a world of difference. I think I would have left my first husband much sooner if I'd been involved in an Al-Anon group at the time. The wisdom that you'll find there is often simple and obvious, but sharing stories (much as we do on this forum) and hearing that you aren't alone, that there is nothing so messed up that it can't be improved, and that you are only responsible for the decisions you make for yourself (and, obviously, as a mother, for your child) is so empowering.
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome lost & confused.i am proud of you for your accomplishments. glad you have found us. now that you are on the other side of the fence stick around & read & read.there is alot of info here.read the sticky at the top of the forum.keep coming back.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
You are doing great, keep focusing on your recovery, everything else will fall into place after that.
Keep your prioties straight, first and foremost is the well being of your child.
You are doing great, keep focusing on your recovery, everything else will fall into place after that.
Keep your prioties straight, first and foremost is the well being of your child.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome and congratulations on your clean time. Do what is best for you and your daughter. It may take time for her to adjust but it is far better than growing up in a home with an active addict who has terrible mood swings. Someone who rages is a pretty scary thing for a young child and something that she will remember for a long time. I know because I grew up with an alcoholic dad who was a rageaholic when he was drinking. Take care of you and the little one. Hugs, Marle
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I don't have much to offer tonight, except I am proud of you for giving it your all, getting clean, and taking care of your baby.
God Bless and may you find the peace you deserve.
God Bless and may you find the peace you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Lighthouse State
Posts: 7
Welcome
Welcome lost...Im new here as well. Grats on your recovery..and sorry things are so hard right now. I told myself today when things are feeling like they are about to totally blow up is right before the storm calms and clarity will come..It worked for me today!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
hi lost,
i think you're making a really smart decision - trust your instincts - trying to prove anything is an exercise in futility - just ask me
- i have to say that my nephews are 2 & 4 - they have been here for 6-7 weeks - their mom is my sister and she and her boyfriend are having a problem with crack at the moment - lil guys are doing pretty good - we all have our moments but the good moments are getting better and the bad ones aren't as bad as they could be - kids are resilient - and they are also pretty intuitive - the lil guys can tell when i'm talking about their mom and dad - i try to not do it all - it makes life easier around here - the lil guys just know that mom and dad are sick and hope they get better - don't we all...
love,
s
i think you're making a really smart decision - trust your instincts - trying to prove anything is an exercise in futility - just ask me
- i have to say that my nephews are 2 & 4 - they have been here for 6-7 weeks - their mom is my sister and she and her boyfriend are having a problem with crack at the moment - lil guys are doing pretty good - we all have our moments but the good moments are getting better and the bad ones aren't as bad as they could be - kids are resilient - and they are also pretty intuitive - the lil guys can tell when i'm talking about their mom and dad - i try to not do it all - it makes life easier around here - the lil guys just know that mom and dad are sick and hope they get better - don't we all...love,
s
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