Where to draw the line?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Where to draw the line?
Hello all--
My abf recently admitted to his continued drug use despite the obvious signs he was using/he persistent denial.
He stayed with me last night and says that he plans to stay with me while he is working on this job that is more convinient to get to from my apt. than his.
He also says he will be attending his outpatient which is in my area.
I do not want to be stupid.
I don't want to just go back to my day-to-day feelings hinging on his behavior, love, attention and affection. I am really scared about where to dry the line in terms of behavior towards me and boundaries. I do not want to do so in the name of resentment, but
It is SO hard to keep my expectations in check and not let these fantasy-like thoughts engage me. Do not want to be let down again or become dependent on him for emotional support nor do I want to live with the hope of a happy future, only to be let down and hurt. I know that I need to work on me and being secure in a relationship regardless if an addiction is present. Have no way of knowing whether or not he is serious about his recovery.
But already I feel the fear about the future- about him withdrawing again- the irrational/fear of rejection seems to be creeping back in- that lingering panic and automatic nervousness.
I find it creep up whenever he does or says something that I interpret as rejection.
I'm try to adjust this part of me- but it's difficult and am not sure what boundaries I should draw in this scenario. I've told him that I will need time to regain trust (obviously) but, I feel the fear of returning to alot of code behaviors and/or thoughts and just slipping right back into believing everything can be okay again, when in reality I must live my own life and make my own decisions about what affects me and LET GO of what he does/thinks/doesn't do etc.
It is hard for me to be "hands off" about this recovery and mind my own business- focus on me and get done what I need to get done without slipping back into the magnified focus on HIS life. That my happiness and belief in myself hinged on his ability to love me.
My abf recently admitted to his continued drug use despite the obvious signs he was using/he persistent denial.
He stayed with me last night and says that he plans to stay with me while he is working on this job that is more convinient to get to from my apt. than his.
He also says he will be attending his outpatient which is in my area.
I do not want to be stupid.
I don't want to just go back to my day-to-day feelings hinging on his behavior, love, attention and affection. I am really scared about where to dry the line in terms of behavior towards me and boundaries. I do not want to do so in the name of resentment, but
It is SO hard to keep my expectations in check and not let these fantasy-like thoughts engage me. Do not want to be let down again or become dependent on him for emotional support nor do I want to live with the hope of a happy future, only to be let down and hurt. I know that I need to work on me and being secure in a relationship regardless if an addiction is present. Have no way of knowing whether or not he is serious about his recovery.
But already I feel the fear about the future- about him withdrawing again- the irrational/fear of rejection seems to be creeping back in- that lingering panic and automatic nervousness.
I find it creep up whenever he does or says something that I interpret as rejection.
I'm try to adjust this part of me- but it's difficult and am not sure what boundaries I should draw in this scenario. I've told him that I will need time to regain trust (obviously) but, I feel the fear of returning to alot of code behaviors and/or thoughts and just slipping right back into believing everything can be okay again, when in reality I must live my own life and make my own decisions about what affects me and LET GO of what he does/thinks/doesn't do etc.
It is hard for me to be "hands off" about this recovery and mind my own business- focus on me and get done what I need to get done without slipping back into the magnified focus on HIS life. That my happiness and belief in myself hinged on his ability to love me.
Last edited by HKAngel24; 04-04-2007 at 06:45 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Cape Town - South Africa
Posts: 36
At least you are aware of the things that might happen. I agree with bluesgirl. You should be thinking about yourself right now, what will be healthy for you and what wont. Good luck with the situation and keep us updated!
Mish xoxo
Mish xoxo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I have just spent the last 24 hours trying to figure out why and how I can be so stupid, and I am not a dumb girl I am strong and have always been strong willed and strong minded alway sure I wouldnt take anything from anyone yet I find myself believing him over and over and kicking myself when he repeatedly shows me I'm a sucker.....................
but you hit it on the head. Its so easy to believe because we want to and its easy to get comfortable and overlook little things ..............
I dont understand why but I do it.
I think because even though he has proven time and again that he cant be trusted I really do believe that he wants to beat this or else why continue to try why not just split and not look back? But he doesnt he keeps picking himself up and getting right back to all the things they say do yet its not enought....................so I guess what I'm saying is for me I think maybe its because I have yet to give up hope, maybe its not so much that I'm stupid but more my strong will that keeps me from seeing the truth that he may never be better that this may be his way of life forever................
Hugs to you
but you hit it on the head. Its so easy to believe because we want to and its easy to get comfortable and overlook little things ..............
I dont understand why but I do it.
I think because even though he has proven time and again that he cant be trusted I really do believe that he wants to beat this or else why continue to try why not just split and not look back? But he doesnt he keeps picking himself up and getting right back to all the things they say do yet its not enought....................so I guess what I'm saying is for me I think maybe its because I have yet to give up hope, maybe its not so much that I'm stupid but more my strong will that keeps me from seeing the truth that he may never be better that this may be his way of life forever................
Hugs to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
No we are not moving in together.
We both live in separate apartments- I live in the city and he the suburbs. Because he does not drive (license revoked for many years from too many DUIs) he has to take public transpo to work, which is currently closer to my apt. It wouldn't be permanent.
It's still hard for me to remember that just because he may be acting "normal" (or whatever that is) --- I still must prepare myself and not live in some fantasyland. I do not want to get drawn into my codependent mentality that "If he does X than it means he does not love me/want a future with me, etc." Just like the addict, I think we can get sucked back into the "Everything is okay, this is no longer an issue" mentality at times.
My mind is apt to the avalanche of negative thoughts that feed off of each other and lead to MORE obsessing and panic. I find myself obsessing and panicking aout obsessing and panicky. It's nutty. I am afraid of losing myself in these behaviors that feel as though they've already begun. I am cognizent of it being difficult for me to mind my own business and refrain from asking questions and not overanalyzing everything.
The more I engage in overanalyzing- even the smallest things that are non-drug related- it takes my focus away from me and gives power to my negative interpretations of others actions. I'm not sure how to correct that. It takes EFFORT to work on me- I naturally will overlook it until I'm back in a bad place again. Right now I am fearing ME not being able to stand my ground, focus on myself.
We both live in separate apartments- I live in the city and he the suburbs. Because he does not drive (license revoked for many years from too many DUIs) he has to take public transpo to work, which is currently closer to my apt. It wouldn't be permanent.
It's still hard for me to remember that just because he may be acting "normal" (or whatever that is) --- I still must prepare myself and not live in some fantasyland. I do not want to get drawn into my codependent mentality that "If he does X than it means he does not love me/want a future with me, etc." Just like the addict, I think we can get sucked back into the "Everything is okay, this is no longer an issue" mentality at times.
My mind is apt to the avalanche of negative thoughts that feed off of each other and lead to MORE obsessing and panic. I find myself obsessing and panicking aout obsessing and panicky. It's nutty. I am afraid of losing myself in these behaviors that feel as though they've already begun. I am cognizent of it being difficult for me to mind my own business and refrain from asking questions and not overanalyzing everything.
The more I engage in overanalyzing- even the smallest things that are non-drug related- it takes my focus away from me and gives power to my negative interpretations of others actions. I'm not sure how to correct that. It takes EFFORT to work on me- I naturally will overlook it until I'm back in a bad place again. Right now I am fearing ME not being able to stand my ground, focus on myself.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think that you know what you have to do, the problem is doing what you know. i do agree with the others, rather than what he wants and what he's decided, what do you want, and what have you decided to do about your own life. since we already know that relapse is sometimes common, maybe you can ask yourself what you really want out of all to this. are you prepared to live this life? i think that if he really wanted to stay clean then he could find another way if he had to. i think the choice is yours, in my opinion, if i had to make a suggestion, i think that i would suggest that you don't make any hasty decisions about whether or not he moves in right now, i think that it might work out better for you if you took it one day at a time, let his actions answer your questions. focus completely on you and let him do the same. sounds like you have so strong gut feelings, if so, try hard not to ignore them, i think deep down, you know the answer to your own questions. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
HK,
I too think you know the answer: this "staying with you" is only going to make things worse for you, at this fragile time when you're just starting to recover yourself.
Look, even, at how you worded it: "he says he's going to stay with me"
Do you have any choice in the matter? Or is his convenience -- and his acceptance -- all that matters at this point?
Consider telling him that this just isn't going to work for you at this stage of your recovery, convenient or not. You love him, but this is out of the question right now until you've worked through your feelings about his addiction and how it influences you.
This is the boundary you were asking about the other day, HK.
Are you ready to set it and keep it, so you can continue to get stronger? Or are you willing to just cave in again, no matter what damage it might do to you?
Love,
GL
I too think you know the answer: this "staying with you" is only going to make things worse for you, at this fragile time when you're just starting to recover yourself.
Look, even, at how you worded it: "he says he's going to stay with me"
Do you have any choice in the matter? Or is his convenience -- and his acceptance -- all that matters at this point?
Consider telling him that this just isn't going to work for you at this stage of your recovery, convenient or not. You love him, but this is out of the question right now until you've worked through your feelings about his addiction and how it influences you.
This is the boundary you were asking about the other day, HK.
Are you ready to set it and keep it, so you can continue to get stronger? Or are you willing to just cave in again, no matter what damage it might do to you?
Love,
GL
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
HK....
You have to ask yourself....what if his job, in your area, lasted for a year. Would you be okay with him staying just because it is convenient to him? Okay...I understand...this is very difficult. It wasn't too long ago that I was in your same shoes. My exah would try to manipulate my emotions so that I would allow him to stay over because his job is closer to me than it is to him. I had to do some quick thinking and healing because his "close" job is permanent. I realized then that although I had boundaries for him (that also needed to be strengthened)...I needed boundaries for me too. What did I want?...What did I need?...What is good for me? This is no easy task. I had to be strong and hard on myself.
My advice...start off with something small and build from there. The key is sticking to it and following through. Give him a boundary and mentally give yourself a boundary for that boundary. It's a bit uncomfortable at first but eventually it does get easier. I still feel a lump in my throat or hesitation when I tell my exah "no" or "i can't" sometimes. But I keep thinking it's for the greater good...(meaning "me" by the way
).
You have to ask yourself....what if his job, in your area, lasted for a year. Would you be okay with him staying just because it is convenient to him? Okay...I understand...this is very difficult. It wasn't too long ago that I was in your same shoes. My exah would try to manipulate my emotions so that I would allow him to stay over because his job is closer to me than it is to him. I had to do some quick thinking and healing because his "close" job is permanent. I realized then that although I had boundaries for him (that also needed to be strengthened)...I needed boundaries for me too. What did I want?...What did I need?...What is good for me? This is no easy task. I had to be strong and hard on myself.
My advice...start off with something small and build from there. The key is sticking to it and following through. Give him a boundary and mentally give yourself a boundary for that boundary. It's a bit uncomfortable at first but eventually it does get easier. I still feel a lump in my throat or hesitation when I tell my exah "no" or "i can't" sometimes. But I keep thinking it's for the greater good...(meaning "me" by the way
).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Hmm... My bf is more rational than I when it comes to work. Sadly, the unhealthy part of me wants him to not want to be away from me. He won't manipulate me so he can stay with me. When he is using he is usually distant and indifferent and does not ask things of me. I am usually the one feeling rejected (because prior to knowing about his using I assumed it was ME) from him withdrawing. For the past few months I was in a state of acute anxiety and utter shock from his behavior change. In that time period I became overly nervous, panicky and obsessive.
As usual I am looking for security about the relationship from outside myself.
My mind feels like it's hardwired to obsess.
GiveLove- you are so right! I phrase things as in I am the powerless bystander and he does all the choosing and acting. He actually did ask me if he could stay and I complied. Probably because I miss his attention and affection - but am so wary of what the future holds or how sincere or serious he is about his recovery.
As usual I am looking for security about the relationship from outside myself.
My mind feels like it's hardwired to obsess.
GiveLove- you are so right! I phrase things as in I am the powerless bystander and he does all the choosing and acting. He actually did ask me if he could stay and I complied. Probably because I miss his attention and affection - but am so wary of what the future holds or how sincere or serious he is about his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
OK, HKAngel, here is the bottom line:
1. Be more concerned about loving yourself enough, not about the degree to which he does or does not love you.
2. Your apartment--your decisions. If you are uncertain about letting him in and riding the carousel again, DO NOT GET ON IT. Just say no.
1. Be more concerned about loving yourself enough, not about the degree to which he does or does not love you.
2. Your apartment--your decisions. If you are uncertain about letting him in and riding the carousel again, DO NOT GET ON IT. Just say no.
Dreamer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 81
It's probably not going to be the best thing for you right now that he wants to live with you and while you love him and want to help, it sounds like he's invading your personal space. Also, if he relapses, are you going to feel worse b/c now he's even closer to you and it still happened (which you definitely should NOT feel like its your fault at all) and leave you feeling even more betrayed or feel more involved?
I can understand the resentment b/c now all I ever talk about with my ex is his recovery and I have to kind of walk on eggshells and try not to get into deep conversations about us anymore even though that's all I want to do. His recovery has become the main focal point, not the possibility of a future with us. As long as he's in and out of recovery, the rest of life (marriage, kids) will have a much harder time getting started. Sounds like your situation is similar to mine. I know it hurts too, their being in recovery is an easy excuse for treating people badly.
I can understand the resentment b/c now all I ever talk about with my ex is his recovery and I have to kind of walk on eggshells and try not to get into deep conversations about us anymore even though that's all I want to do. His recovery has become the main focal point, not the possibility of a future with us. As long as he's in and out of recovery, the rest of life (marriage, kids) will have a much harder time getting started. Sounds like your situation is similar to mine. I know it hurts too, their being in recovery is an easy excuse for treating people badly.
Dreamer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 81
You really have to do what's right for you, if that means that you no longer see eye to eye then you must go on your own. What's right for you now is not what you may have felt was right for you when you met him and that's okay-- people change! If only I could move on and not look back. Me and my ex met in college 5 years ago and just broke up 3 mo. ago and boy did we both change. While I made my share of mistakes, I grew out of the drugs and he doesn't seem like he ever will. It's okay to want things for your life and to not feel guilty about it or like you are being too demanding. I'm struggling with the fact that while I know I'm doing the right thing by growing up (I'm 26 and he's 30) and moving away from all that bs it still hurts sometimes and I feel left out but I know that the road that leads to success and happiness is less traveled so there will be fewer people but quality people no doubt! I know that the longer I'm away from him the more I will see that he was not the best for me and trust me... I fell in love hard! Could barely eat or sleep for months cause I had the butterflies so bad! But I honestly don't see a healthy happy future with him anymore so I know it sucks to have loved and lost.. that is if you choose to part ways.
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