helpful or co-dependant?

Old 04-02-2007, 09:39 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Question helpful or co-dependant?

I have a question to ask you wise women. My BF who is my addict, asks me to drive him to his meetings. He is quite new to recovery. Gone for the second time right now. I am at the point that if he really wants to get to a meeting he will drive himself there. He is afraid he won't make it to the meeting and it would be better if I drive him. I sometimes wonder if he wants me to drive him to prove to me he went then he gets brownie points. I am becoming quite the skeptic. How sad.
Is it OK to drive him to his meetings or better to let him make it on his own? Thanks for your opinions and thoughts.
kj21 is offline  
Old 04-02-2007, 10:17 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: newport beach ca
Posts: 9
I think that if it is not too much of a stress you should drive him...
Rome is offline  
Old 04-02-2007, 10:23 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
liesagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I think that in early recovery when and if they are really working on themself then we (me too) should help them when needed and more importantly when asked to help.

I once complained here on SR about how inconvenient it was for me when my rah stopped keeping money ......but I was told if he ask/told me this is what he needed then I should go along because he knows if he can trust himself or not.............
I'm thinking it may be the same with the driving......if for now it helps him make it to the meeting and it helps him without hurting you then you should do it.
Just my opinion.
liesagain is offline  
Old 04-02-2007, 11:11 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 107
I don't know if this helps or applies in your situation, but I will give it a go. My addict is my 20 yo son. Since he was ~13, he has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, migraines, epilepsy, anxiety disorder, ulcers, you name it. I spent years and maor $$'s going to all sorts of doctors, paying for all sorts of meds, enabling him, pampering him, making excuses to the family and the world and him why he was so different and just needed extra help.

After he finally went inpatient and quit negotiating the terms of his recovery and just bit the bullet, gave up his will and worked the program, a quite different and capable young man emerged. I was shocked, and initially felt quite displaced. His BS and rationalizations were gone. He was completely honest with himself and me and suddenly seemed capable of handling his life. After I got over being hurt about not having that codie role in his life, I started to feel a little relieved. And then I realized that he could hande it all! I didn't have to worry about his crud anymore.

Except, he is a baby in recovery (as am I) and while he can work a full time job (who knew?), and manage a budget, he still needs assistance from me. He needs me to support him in his recovery, to do the little or inconvenient things that show I understand how important his meetings, his step work, and other such activities are. I am working on finding the balance and dealing with the suppressed anger I now allow myself to feel about the years he took advantage of my overly generous and enabling nature.

It's a wobbly walk, but we can do it and find the ways that help in healthy ways.

Good luck to you!
caughtinthemid is offline  
Old 04-03-2007, 03:36 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
kj0975's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Sometimes at meetings they give out a list of phone #'s and usually someone will offer to pick up the person and bring them. If sometimes u feel u just cant drive him ask if someone there can pick him up . Then again u might get the guilt trip that your not supporting his recovery. Its so hard u want to support but sometimes feel inconvienence of taking him. Maybe he doesnt trust himsefl to drive there or maybe he wants to show u he is going to the meetings to make u proud of him. Hard to really know.
kj0975 is offline  
Old 04-03-2007, 04:40 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
KJ-
I wish I had answer for you, but can only offer assurance that I am in a similiar position, questioning the deapth of "aid" in my acts.
My abf was broke (obviously) but was in need of getting to rehab. So, I paid for his train ticket, his cab and a couple packs of cigarettes so he could get there. Upon leaving rehab (entirely too early) I rented a car for an astronomical amount of money and picked him up. (At the time I believe I was deeply in the web of MY addiction ~ need to control- I wanted to be the one to pick him up)

From your inital post it sounds as though his recovery is more about proving to YOU that he is actively doing things to maintain recovery and not "doing what he needs to do" to keep himself clean. I believe that addicts have their priorities completely out of whack and despite all the selfishness that results from drug addiction, at their core they are using drugs to manage feelings.

If he can drive himself - he should be attending by himself- regardless of whether or not you KNOW and SEE and validate that he is actually going to a meeting.

I am beginning to learn (SLOWLY) that if our addicts are truly serious about recovery than only THEY can choose it. I find myself constantly still yapping- giving advice- telling my addict personal insights as to what he he has to look forward to in his life and what roadblocks he must remove to move forward, when in reality I am GIVING to someone who I already know won't stop doing what they're doing until they're good and ready to change.
HKAngel24 is offline  
Old 04-03-2007, 04:54 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
grateful rca
 
teke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
recovering addict here, it is so hard to fight the urge to use when it hits. when i first got sober, i felt i NEEDED help cause i didn't want to take any chances on getting caught with an urge that i couldn't shake. i had to ask someone to drive me to the corner store or ride with me, i HAD asked someone to hold my money for me, i would not leave the house until somebody did. i was just plain afraid that i might used and that i maynot be strong enough to "just say no". i felt that i wanted to make myself accountable and i just did not trust myself. it is very hard for a newly recovering addict to not use. in time, i slowly felt more comfortable doing what i needed and wanted to do for myself and on my own.


i think, if its not a inconvenience, and if it your motives are pure, then it would be good if you could take him but, only when its convienent for you, otherwise, he can see if he can find someone in the meetings to make himself accountable to.
teke is offline  
Old 04-03-2007, 06:56 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
cece1960's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi KJ,
I did a lot of things for my son that he could have been doing himself...I can see that now looking back.
My current rule of thumb is:
Do you resent having to drive him? If so, then it most likely will come back to haunt the both of you. Speaking for myself my resentments had a way of simmering just below the surface until the big kaboom!

Do you thing its possible that "you" feel ok driving because "you" see his efforts and know where he is?

Do you think its possible that "he" likes having you drive because "he" then knows where you are?

My son became a very manipulative person when he became an addict. And it stayed with him for quite a while after he quit using. It just came so naturally to him at that point. Through time (away from drugs) that personaity trait began to disappear. I was just one small step behind him in my manipulation tactics. I still work on that today.

So...I suppose the answer is..."what do YOU want to do?"

Wishing you and he the best paths
((((hugs))))
Cece
cece1960 is offline  
Old 04-03-2007, 07:26 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
joesentme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: somewhere in MA
Posts: 54
Just as a new practicing Gymnast, need a spotter, before they can do the routine solidly, on their own, with practice he should be able to do many more of these things on for himself. I see nothing wrong with "spotting" early recovery. I don’t think it’s “enabling”.
Jmho
joesentme is offline  
Old 04-03-2007, 08:07 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Thank you so much for all your opinions!! They all really helped me. I will be happy to drive him to his meetings to help him in his recovery. I do carry all the money as well. His idea. my sanity. but he would go personally to the bank some days and withdrawl. Then just a few days before detox he got his own credit card... not good. He has it with him in detox so a little worried about his drive home alone. He is 2 hours away from home. Has a car and credit card. SCARY!!
kj21 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:04 AM.