Pretty eventful update...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
Pretty eventful update...
Okay, I feel as if I am writing for a Soap Opera...these are the days of my life. Last time I left you, I was grappling with some signs that my husband may be cheating (though I just couldn't believe it) and learning to detach, sometimes more successful than others.
My AH and myself had sort of a break through where we were really honest about everything and talked about how much we loved oneanother and wanted to fix our relationship...(I must have been out of my mind).
I saw his phone just sitting there one day and it read 2 text messages. Since he has been hiding his phone and making sure I could never read his messages and deleting them daily, I was SO suspicious and so, I read them. I know, I shouldn't....
1 was from the same girl who sent a text several weeks ago that said "I miss you" at 4 am. This time it said "Oh God, I wish you were here..." Well, that was it. I knew then, finally, he was cheating on me. You can't deny both of them together. He denied it but this time, I wasn't going to let him make me feel crazy. I just told him that I knew the truth, in my heart, and there was no use in arguing and then folks something happened....he told the truth. He admitted he had slept with her while on tour (same week he visited ex in Florida that pushed me over the edge) and they were continuing to talk and text.
Oh yeah, the other text he got was from his crank dealer letting him know that he could make a pickup. Although, he has been pretending to be clean except for his "relapse" that included ONLY alcohol. How did I believe that either?
The scary part of it all is that my emotions make me want to stay! How insane am I? At first, he told me he was going to continue to see this girl but now he is doing the "begging on his knees compaign promise" thing and said he broke it off and of course, I don't believe a word he says because he has proven himslef such a liar. He had SO many creative lies about this girl and tried to make me feel crazy and jealous for thinking something of it. My brain of course tells me that enough is enough and a person can only handle so much and that I HAVE to go. But a big part of me thinks I am still in love with him...My question is, how do you know the difference in your sickness making you think you are in love and wanting to stay to endure more hell and actual love?
I know I did love my husband but somehow now, I think, only co-dependency craziness could make me want to stay with him.
Regardless, I have requested that he move out and he is honoring my wishes. He makes really great promises but he always has, and so far his actions don't match, not even close. I am going to file for divorce and move forward with my life. This will suck for the kids.
THIS SUCKS!!! It is what I have to do but it really sucks. There is the part of him that I adore...maybe it is sort of who he used to be, who he could be...I think of all of our good times in the past and even cute things he does now, his humor, his intelligence, his ability to love both incredible indie films but still love Dirty dancing like I do and it makes me just so broken-hearted.
So now...for some timely song lyrics...I know melodramatic and all but it seemed to hit home as I drove home tonight from my parents who I went to visit for the weekend:
I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly
You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough
I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly
Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly
-REO SPEEDWAGON
My AH and myself had sort of a break through where we were really honest about everything and talked about how much we loved oneanother and wanted to fix our relationship...(I must have been out of my mind).
I saw his phone just sitting there one day and it read 2 text messages. Since he has been hiding his phone and making sure I could never read his messages and deleting them daily, I was SO suspicious and so, I read them. I know, I shouldn't....
1 was from the same girl who sent a text several weeks ago that said "I miss you" at 4 am. This time it said "Oh God, I wish you were here..." Well, that was it. I knew then, finally, he was cheating on me. You can't deny both of them together. He denied it but this time, I wasn't going to let him make me feel crazy. I just told him that I knew the truth, in my heart, and there was no use in arguing and then folks something happened....he told the truth. He admitted he had slept with her while on tour (same week he visited ex in Florida that pushed me over the edge) and they were continuing to talk and text.
Oh yeah, the other text he got was from his crank dealer letting him know that he could make a pickup. Although, he has been pretending to be clean except for his "relapse" that included ONLY alcohol. How did I believe that either?
The scary part of it all is that my emotions make me want to stay! How insane am I? At first, he told me he was going to continue to see this girl but now he is doing the "begging on his knees compaign promise" thing and said he broke it off and of course, I don't believe a word he says because he has proven himslef such a liar. He had SO many creative lies about this girl and tried to make me feel crazy and jealous for thinking something of it. My brain of course tells me that enough is enough and a person can only handle so much and that I HAVE to go. But a big part of me thinks I am still in love with him...My question is, how do you know the difference in your sickness making you think you are in love and wanting to stay to endure more hell and actual love?
I know I did love my husband but somehow now, I think, only co-dependency craziness could make me want to stay with him.
Regardless, I have requested that he move out and he is honoring my wishes. He makes really great promises but he always has, and so far his actions don't match, not even close. I am going to file for divorce and move forward with my life. This will suck for the kids.
THIS SUCKS!!! It is what I have to do but it really sucks. There is the part of him that I adore...maybe it is sort of who he used to be, who he could be...I think of all of our good times in the past and even cute things he does now, his humor, his intelligence, his ability to love both incredible indie films but still love Dirty dancing like I do and it makes me just so broken-hearted.
So now...for some timely song lyrics...I know melodramatic and all but it seemed to hit home as I drove home tonight from my parents who I went to visit for the weekend:
I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly
You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough
I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly
Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly
-REO SPEEDWAGON
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Booklover))) I know that this decision hasn't come easy to you, and that perhaps there is no way of knowing right now if it is the right decision or not, or if it is final.
What I do know is that whenever I have taken time to let that little voice withing have its say, the right thing to do just happens. It is often easier to stay living with our chaos than it is to face the fear of changing. Easier today perhaps, but in a lifetime of choices "easy" is not always what is best for us.
Do whatever feels right for you today and let the future unfold as it may. Time and your HP will lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Hugs
What I do know is that whenever I have taken time to let that little voice withing have its say, the right thing to do just happens. It is often easier to stay living with our chaos than it is to face the fear of changing. Easier today perhaps, but in a lifetime of choices "easy" is not always what is best for us.
Do whatever feels right for you today and let the future unfold as it may. Time and your HP will lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
booklover,
I'm sorry about everything you're going thru. You're right...it absolutely does suck. I remember singing that REO song many, many times as I went thru a breakup and divorce with my exah.
Your AH is a wonderful person underneath the addiction. How else could you have fallen in love with him and married him? Its okay to still love him. But you have to love yourself too.
I know how much it hurts...
I've been there...
It takes a while to work your way thru it all...but eventually, you will make peace with everything that has happened. I know that doesn't make you feel any better today...but things can and will get better, sweetie...you just gotta keep working on YOUR recovery and let him deal with his problems on his own.
Hugs and strength to you...
I'm sorry about everything you're going thru. You're right...it absolutely does suck. I remember singing that REO song many, many times as I went thru a breakup and divorce with my exah.
Your AH is a wonderful person underneath the addiction. How else could you have fallen in love with him and married him? Its okay to still love him. But you have to love yourself too.
I know how much it hurts...
I've been there...
It takes a while to work your way thru it all...but eventually, you will make peace with everything that has happened. I know that doesn't make you feel any better today...but things can and will get better, sweetie...you just gotta keep working on YOUR recovery and let him deal with his problems on his own.
Hugs and strength to you...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry, when you add cheating to the mix, it takes on a different prespective. To me, that is the final insult.
Keep your recovery in the forefront of your mind, continue to work on you. Everything else will fall into place after that.
We are here for you,
Dolly
Keep your recovery in the forefront of your mind, continue to work on you. Everything else will fall into place after that.
We are here for you,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Oh Booklover....gal....you are doing the right thing. Your kids may not understand now and things may get rough, but they will understand eventually. WE are here for you and you just get online and talk to us WHENEVER you want. Here is a hug: (((BOOKLOVER)))
One thing about a man who cheats: if they did it once, they'll eventually do it again. Especially if you stuck around the first time.
One more unpleasant thought: you need to get tested for ALL STDs. People who are on drugs/alcohol and cheat usually do not use protection. Get tested now, and then 3 months from now.
One thing about a man who cheats: if they did it once, they'll eventually do it again. Especially if you stuck around the first time.
One more unpleasant thought: you need to get tested for ALL STDs. People who are on drugs/alcohol and cheat usually do not use protection. Get tested now, and then 3 months from now.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Once I knew the cheating was going on, that was it. end of weeping and wailing and blaming me.
For me I did not know where the addict stopped and Steve began. He has been using since Age 12 and has been lying for 40 years. He doesn't know where the addict ends and Steve begins either.
Well, I have a life to live. I deserve respect and cheating is the lowest form of disrespect.. it is not direct (like physical abuse or theft). It is the lowest form of a lie.
It created a finality like nothing else could.
You are doing what is best for you.
For me I did not know where the addict stopped and Steve began. He has been using since Age 12 and has been lying for 40 years. He doesn't know where the addict ends and Steve begins either.
Well, I have a life to live. I deserve respect and cheating is the lowest form of disrespect.. it is not direct (like physical abuse or theft). It is the lowest form of a lie.
It created a finality like nothing else could.
You are doing what is best for you.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are going through all of this, i know how much this hurts, believe me, if your addict don't decided to work a solid plan of recovery, it probably will get worse than what it already is. i think that you are doing what you NEED to do, in order to survive this. your kids need you sane and this kind of stuff will drive you in the opposite direction. its hard i know, but you will get through to the other side of this in time. keeping all of you in my prayers.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Do what you can live with...
Most of us probably could not take the crazy-making behavior much longer. "Flying" does not have to mean forever. My husband divorced me in 1990 and we remarried in 1993 (after many major changes and a butt load of counseling).
(((Booklover)))
Most of us probably could not take the crazy-making behavior much longer. "Flying" does not have to mean forever. My husband divorced me in 1990 and we remarried in 1993 (after many major changes and a butt load of counseling).
(((Booklover)))
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
He's certainly rubbed your nose in enough crap and lies and all your intuition
was so right. You can believe in yourself and trust your inner voice.
It's painful to absolutely know without a doubt that he cannot be trusted and
has betrayed your trust. And it can free you. I wonder sometimes if codies hang on to avoid the pain of letting go.
There are no emotional shortcuts when a relationship is over.
You are worthy of respect, caring and consideration. I wish you well.
was so right. You can believe in yourself and trust your inner voice.
It's painful to absolutely know without a doubt that he cannot be trusted and
has betrayed your trust. And it can free you. I wonder sometimes if codies hang on to avoid the pain of letting go.
There are no emotional shortcuts when a relationship is over.
You are worthy of respect, caring and consideration. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
L,
You deserve so much better than this treatment. SO much better.
Take it a day at a time and make sure that everything you do is in your own best interests long-term, not in the name of codie-crazy-neediness.
This is just too much pain. Imho, you're driving your own bus...kick him off and take it on a nice road trip somewhere beautiful with your great kids. Infidelity is the ultimate dishonor...and this will likely not be the last time. Just my opinion as someone who cares about you.
Love,
GL
You deserve so much better than this treatment. SO much better.
Take it a day at a time and make sure that everything you do is in your own best interests long-term, not in the name of codie-crazy-neediness.
This is just too much pain. Imho, you're driving your own bus...kick him off and take it on a nice road trip somewhere beautiful with your great kids. Infidelity is the ultimate dishonor...and this will likely not be the last time. Just my opinion as someone who cares about you.
Love,
GL
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