Is It Ok to Let GO for awhile?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: statesville, nc
Posts: 53
Is It Ok to Let GO for awhile?
Hey all,
I am new here. You all seem like you genuinely care for one another and are a great support system for each other.
My husband went in rehab 2 weeks ago. He FINALLY admitted he had a problem and that he needed help. (Although he tried to convince me he could handle it on his own and also did not disclose everything he was taking until he was confronted with facts. He has been lying to me for months. I suspected for awhile but he continued to deny it to the point that I thought I was crazy for imagining it. I begged him for honesty and offered support if he would just tell me the truth. Finally after I had a mini meltdown and emotionally a wreck he decided to come clean. Well.....I thought that would be the end of it but it is just the beginning.
His family and mine admire him for getting help and think I should support and encourage him by going to class every Sat. I wish I could but I am so bitter, angry, and sad right now that I feel I can't heal and help him too. I still have the daily pressures of life like my kids, work, etc. plus I am trying to work through my feelings. This whole thing is consuming me and I just wish I could let go for awhile. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I dont want to carry these feelings around any longer. They are weighing me down. But if I disconnect from him I feel I will let him, his family, and my family down.
Are these feelings normal in the beginning? I want to feel differently towards him and the whole situation. Why can't I? Am I that selfish and focused on myself? I could get over the fact that he is an addict and the desire to use. Its the lying and manipulation that eats away at me. I know I'm supposed to forgive but I am scared to take down the wall I've built for myself.
I am new here. You all seem like you genuinely care for one another and are a great support system for each other.
My husband went in rehab 2 weeks ago. He FINALLY admitted he had a problem and that he needed help. (Although he tried to convince me he could handle it on his own and also did not disclose everything he was taking until he was confronted with facts. He has been lying to me for months. I suspected for awhile but he continued to deny it to the point that I thought I was crazy for imagining it. I begged him for honesty and offered support if he would just tell me the truth. Finally after I had a mini meltdown and emotionally a wreck he decided to come clean. Well.....I thought that would be the end of it but it is just the beginning.
His family and mine admire him for getting help and think I should support and encourage him by going to class every Sat. I wish I could but I am so bitter, angry, and sad right now that I feel I can't heal and help him too. I still have the daily pressures of life like my kids, work, etc. plus I am trying to work through my feelings. This whole thing is consuming me and I just wish I could let go for awhile. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I dont want to carry these feelings around any longer. They are weighing me down. But if I disconnect from him I feel I will let him, his family, and my family down.
Are these feelings normal in the beginning? I want to feel differently towards him and the whole situation. Why can't I? Am I that selfish and focused on myself? I could get over the fact that he is an addict and the desire to use. Its the lying and manipulation that eats away at me. I know I'm supposed to forgive but I am scared to take down the wall I've built for myself.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
You are feeling what many of us have felt before and will probably feel again. It is normal to run the gamut of feelings. All I can tell you is that you need to let go of him and focus on your recovery. Believe it or not, we are as in need of recovery as our addicts are. We can't help them until we help ourselves. Stick around, read the stickies, take care of your emotional well-being. My addict is my son and he is in rehab for his fourth time. His dad and I are both attending family counseling sessions along with our son, so it is normal to work on the other relationships in the addict circle. I think that I have gotten better when I have let go of my son's recovery and took hold of my own. Prayers and hugs to you!
krhea
krhea
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Of coarse it's ok to step back for a tme. When one lives with an addict they suffer from meltdown, it just happens. The stress and uncertainty just drains a person.
You have to take time and work thru your feelings and get back on your feet
both emotionally and physically.
You are not being selfish, I agree with Krhea, let go and focus on you. You have to get yourself healthy first before you can be any real assistance to anyone else.
Glad to meet you! Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
Of coarse it's ok to step back for a tme. When one lives with an addict they suffer from meltdown, it just happens. The stress and uncertainty just drains a person.
You have to take time and work thru your feelings and get back on your feet
both emotionally and physically.
You are not being selfish, I agree with Krhea, let go and focus on you. You have to get yourself healthy first before you can be any real assistance to anyone else.
Glad to meet you! Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: grove, OK
Posts: 21
wel-come..I am also new at this...thats great he is in rehab. he is taking care of him.
Your feelings are a part of you...happy to see you acknowledging and expressing them.....Time to take care of you..#1
Your feelings are a part of you...happy to see you acknowledging and expressing them.....Time to take care of you..#1
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Hello and welcome to SR!!!!
It's absolutely normal to feel the anger, the betrayal...ohhh, we go through all those emotions, then flutuate back through them again.
The addict in my life is my 29 year old daughter, so I'm coming at it from a somewhat different angle, yet still the same emotions. Death of dreams, anxiety, fear....they're all there whether we are parents or spouses of the addict.
You need to read the sticky's at the top of the page, very helpful....and especially remember the 3C's
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it and
YOU can't Cure it
I'm sooo sorry you have to find yourself here, but so glad you've found us
It's absolutely normal to feel the anger, the betrayal...ohhh, we go through all those emotions, then flutuate back through them again.
The addict in my life is my 29 year old daughter, so I'm coming at it from a somewhat different angle, yet still the same emotions. Death of dreams, anxiety, fear....they're all there whether we are parents or spouses of the addict.
You need to read the sticky's at the top of the page, very helpful....and especially remember the 3C's
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it and
YOU can't Cure it
I'm sooo sorry you have to find yourself here, but so glad you've found us
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
(((Bren38))) Sorry you had to find us this way, but glad you are here! Yes, I will agree with the others. You MUST work on your own recovery. When all is said and done with in this life, in reality all you have left is YOU. Only YOU can count on YOU. You alone make yourself happy and sad, peaceful and tumultuous. If you can let go of the other person (detachment is NOT indifference) and work on yourself, things will work out the way they are supposed to in the end. Plus, your kids will have a solid person there for them when they need you. I TOTALLY understand what you are going through because my RAH hid his addiction from me for a long time (i think it just progressed and progressed until he got sick and tired of being sick and tired, Plus I was on the verge of finding out). I felt SO ANGRY!!! Not only angry for him putting our lives, both personal and professional, in jeopardy, but angry for feeling like a fool!! How could I have been DUPED like that??? I pride myself on being perceptive. It's just that when you love someone so much and they are so close to you, sometimes you can't really see what is going on. You explain their strange behaviour away. It's like the old saying "You can't see the forest for the trees."
Peace and prayers for you, my dear. Keep us posted.
Peace and prayers for you, my dear. Keep us posted.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Just a big welcome and hug. Stick around, read, post, and start your own
recovery. I'm Linda and the addict in my life is my 25 yo son.
Face to face meetings help us detach with love, focus on ourselves, and heal the hurt that the addict has caused. When your ready you should find one in your area to attend. In the meanwhile, read Melodie Beattie books, especially, Codependent, No More.
Keep comin' back.
((((Bren))))
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Bren, honey, you are SO normal with those feelings there. 
I'm so glad you've found SR. It's a great place for support. You'll find lots of folks here who are going through the same thing you are going through, folks who have embraced recovery for themselves and are living a good life despite the drama of addiction in their homes. It can be done. You can feel better.
Please stick around, read and post. And if you can find local Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings, I'd highly recommend attending them. I know adding meetings to my life has helped me so much. I do not miss them if I can help it because they help me remain sane even when life is crumbling around me.
Hang in there, Bren. We're walking this road with you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I'm so glad you've found SR. It's a great place for support. You'll find lots of folks here who are going through the same thing you are going through, folks who have embraced recovery for themselves and are living a good life despite the drama of addiction in their homes. It can be done. You can feel better.
Please stick around, read and post. And if you can find local Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings, I'd highly recommend attending them. I know adding meetings to my life has helped me so much. I do not miss them if I can help it because they help me remain sane even when life is crumbling around me.
Hang in there, Bren. We're walking this road with you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
It is absolutely normal. one minute you love them and want to support them, the next you cannot believe they stole, lied, cheated,etc...My guy died, I still flip/flop. I am not dealing with the anger so much anymore, the sadness is lifting, I do question my judgement, how did I not see all this. The reason we don't see it is because the disease is cunning, it knows how to hide itself, manipulating and causing harm behind the scenes. You are to take care of yourself first, you are not selfish, if you aren't where you need to be, who else is gonna take care of you???He's getting plenty of care...love you.Marian
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 50
Welcome to SR and so glad you found us, but sorry for the reason. What wonderful advice before me. Yes, you have to focus on yourself. You have done nothing. Your feelings are normal, believe me. You have been through the mill and it will take time for you to get back to normal. Prayers coming your way to help you find the peace and serenity your looking for.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Bren))) If there is a family counseling portion to the rehab, you might be pleasantly surprised to find out ... it isn't ALL about the addict.
I hope so. I found much comfort ... and release and releif from the family counseling portion of my kids rehabs.
I hope so. I found much comfort ... and release and releif from the family counseling portion of my kids rehabs.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome, the addict in my life is my hubby and the other are right, if i hadn't stepped back when i did, i think that i would be literally insane by now. what you are feeling right now is so normal, it tells me that you are ready to take care of you and do what you need to do for yourself.
i understand what you are saying about what the families are thinking you should do, but all eyes are on him, what about you? maybe it time to pass the torch on to them and allow them to live in your shoes for a little while, they'll soon understand that you have to do what's best for you. try not to be too concern about what others are saying and expecting you to do. you know what you've been through, so you take care of you, let your addict do the same, and if the families think that you have not done enough already, try letting them have a shot at him.
i understand what you are saying about what the families are thinking you should do, but all eyes are on him, what about you? maybe it time to pass the torch on to them and allow them to live in your shoes for a little while, they'll soon understand that you have to do what's best for you. try not to be too concern about what others are saying and expecting you to do. you know what you've been through, so you take care of you, let your addict do the same, and if the families think that you have not done enough already, try letting them have a shot at him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Bren,
I'm so glad you're out here with us! ((((hugs))))
I think, like everyone else, that your feelings are perfectly normal and that you need to do what you feel is best for your own healing. His addiction is HIS to conquer, and although you can provide lots of different kinds of support, you are not obligated to provide any of them if you feel it's hurting you.
What are these classes? Is there any benefit in them for you? I'm wondering (like bigsis) if perhaps there might be something to be gained -- for YOUR healing -- from the rehab activities. You could try one, if you haven't already, and if it's not something you are deriving any benefit from, then stop.
In any case, sit down and clarify your feelings on paper if you need to, and examine the ways that you are already supporting him. I think you'll find that it might be easy to say, "I need to heal myself from all of this....I'm willing and able to do X and Y, but I don't feel Z is in my best interests right now"
In any case, please keep posting out here. You're right...this is an incredible community of support for you. Good luck to you and to your husband...I'm so glad he's trying.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I'm so glad you're out here with us! ((((hugs))))
I think, like everyone else, that your feelings are perfectly normal and that you need to do what you feel is best for your own healing. His addiction is HIS to conquer, and although you can provide lots of different kinds of support, you are not obligated to provide any of them if you feel it's hurting you.
What are these classes? Is there any benefit in them for you? I'm wondering (like bigsis) if perhaps there might be something to be gained -- for YOUR healing -- from the rehab activities. You could try one, if you haven't already, and if it's not something you are deriving any benefit from, then stop.
In any case, sit down and clarify your feelings on paper if you need to, and examine the ways that you are already supporting him. I think you'll find that it might be easy to say, "I need to heal myself from all of this....I'm willing and able to do X and Y, but I don't feel Z is in my best interests right now"
In any case, please keep posting out here. You're right...this is an incredible community of support for you. Good luck to you and to your husband...I'm so glad he's trying.
Hugs,
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome bren to S.R. pull up a chair & stay awhile.we r here for you & will help u walk thru this.the feelings you have are yours & it is nothing to feel guilty about.learn all you can about an addict & what they do.read the stickys at the top of the forum.when u do all of this it will help you to understand them better & you can decide what YOU want to do.this is a one day at the time program & you can take baby steps.please keep coming back.prayers for you & your husband,hope
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