Emotional Rollercoaster
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: statesville, nc
Posts: 53
Emotional Rollercoaster
My husband went to rehab 2 weeks ago for the first time and I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. Actually I have been on one for the last year because he used, I suspected, and he denied. After me finally losing it one day he finally decided to admit what he had been doing. However he continued to lie all the way up until the day he went in to protect his so called friends. Now he suddenly has all this support. My family, his family, etc. I am thankful he is getting help but and he claims to be very sorry for everything now that he has seen the light through being drug free, and therapy. He was in denial. But I feel I was betrayed. He is in there with no responsibities other than what to eat and to get to his next session on time. Meanwhile I am left here with two kids to raise, work full time job and keep the house running. I am angry, bitter, and resentful. I dont want to be this way but I cant help myself. The more I play things back in my mind the worse it gets. And going to those classes with him once a week dont help. They seem to make it worse. They are depressing and constant reminder of the whole tragic situation. I just want a normal life. And I feel guilty for having these feelings and not wanting to be more supportive. Am I selfish? I have tried talking to God who I usually can find comfort in but feel my anger is not helping that situation either. Any advice? I am new to all of this and am not sure how to handle my feelings or my husband. I sometimes dont even want to look at him. Please tell me these feelings will pass. I welcome any advice. Thanks
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Bren, I don't have any advice for you. My AH has never been to rehab. But I have learned it's okay to feel whatever you are feeling! You have been through so much. I think sometimes there needs to be a rehab center for spouses...but then who would take care of things, huh?
I know someone will be along to offer you some great advice. Welcome to SR! I look forward to getting to know you more!
Love and support, Cheryl
I know someone will be along to offer you some great advice. Welcome to SR! I look forward to getting to know you more!
Love and support, Cheryl
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hey Bren, I don't know if you've had a chance to read the stickies at the top of the page but there are some great articles on there. I avoided them when I first started and then when I finally read them...they were sooo helpful!!
There is some great advice on there and it is well worth your time to read!!
There is some great advice on there and it is well worth your time to read!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Hey Bren -
My husband's been in rehab for 2 weeks too! Welcome to the club!
I have known my husband had a big problem for a long time (4+ years) but it just dawned on him relatively recently. I am admiring you for asserting your boundaries much sooner than I did. It is hard to find oneself resenting all the extra effort to hold it all together while he gets to go to self-improvement camp.
My AH hasn't done much of anything to help with the kids, house, etc. in a long, long time, and this last 6 months he hardly did anything at all - not even yardwork or simple house repairs, or work much for that matter. In my case his absence is like a vacation because of the lack of day-to-day drama and his drunk self's presence, and I am so used to doing stuff all the time anyway because the tasks piled on one at a time as he quit doing them. I previously only worked 2 part time jobs which I managed to squeeze into part time hours while the 2 youngest (5, 3) were in preschool. Now I've had to get more childcare so that I can work more to keep our business going while he's away. The oldest, his cousin, is actually a senior in HS, and I have an 11 year old daughter too.
I'm taking this "vacation-from-drunk-jerk" as an opportunity to do some significant me-work myself. I'm reading a self-help book I've been wanting to read again (Boundaries) and I've downloaded Codependent No More... Also, I'm trying to journal most days and I'm seeing our therapist at least once a week.
At least you're talking to God about it - I got to the point where I wasn't even able to do that - I was afraid to ask because I was afraid he wouldn't answer my prayers. After a long time of that I made a commitment to pray daily for a week and my faith was renewed - another story.
Yeah - roller coaster. Copy that. Mine will be out 3 days before my birthday but warned me today that he's going to have to be very selfish for a while or he'll surely relapse. Yippee. Actually, on one hand I'm okay with it - couldn't be much more selfish than when he was drinking constantly, right? On the other hand, I am disappointed to my core because I have been missing the fantastic guy I married and I feel jipped that, now that he seems to be here again, I still don't get to have MY emotional needs and wants met. Then I realize that while he has been getting sicker in alcoholism, I have been getting sicker in codependency. I need to be selfish now too so that I can pursue my recovery.
It would be nice to have a normal life but, unfortunately, we are married to addicts. It would be nice if we could just turn a few keys and we could be "normal," but we/they didn't wind up in this condition overnight and recovery won't happen overnight. In order to "right" things, it takes quite a while of actively pursuing recovery. We all have to learn healthier ways of being and actually start doing things in a more healthy way. The good news for you and I is that our husbands are both probably in the best possible place for this change to begin to occur! I have heard that it's going to take about as long for them to truly come out of the madness as it took for them to get completely lost in it, and that's *if* the program is worked.
Some selfishness is good. When we get caught up in the addict's lifestyle (even if we're just trying to stop it) we lose ourselves as we get wrapped up in them. I'm getting help in that area from counseling and a codependents 12 step group (like al-anon, but through Celebrate Recovery, so it's got a Christian bent... and they have childcare).
On the advice of my counselor I am learning to accept help from friends who offer. One friend brought over dinner one night last week, and another 2 friends chipped in and are sending over a HOUSECLEANER tomorrow morning! Hallelujah!!!!!!!
I hope that other tapes can play in your mind. We all go through those times.
Blessings!
My husband's been in rehab for 2 weeks too! Welcome to the club!
I have known my husband had a big problem for a long time (4+ years) but it just dawned on him relatively recently. I am admiring you for asserting your boundaries much sooner than I did. It is hard to find oneself resenting all the extra effort to hold it all together while he gets to go to self-improvement camp.
My AH hasn't done much of anything to help with the kids, house, etc. in a long, long time, and this last 6 months he hardly did anything at all - not even yardwork or simple house repairs, or work much for that matter. In my case his absence is like a vacation because of the lack of day-to-day drama and his drunk self's presence, and I am so used to doing stuff all the time anyway because the tasks piled on one at a time as he quit doing them. I previously only worked 2 part time jobs which I managed to squeeze into part time hours while the 2 youngest (5, 3) were in preschool. Now I've had to get more childcare so that I can work more to keep our business going while he's away. The oldest, his cousin, is actually a senior in HS, and I have an 11 year old daughter too.
I'm taking this "vacation-from-drunk-jerk" as an opportunity to do some significant me-work myself. I'm reading a self-help book I've been wanting to read again (Boundaries) and I've downloaded Codependent No More... Also, I'm trying to journal most days and I'm seeing our therapist at least once a week.
At least you're talking to God about it - I got to the point where I wasn't even able to do that - I was afraid to ask because I was afraid he wouldn't answer my prayers. After a long time of that I made a commitment to pray daily for a week and my faith was renewed - another story.
Yeah - roller coaster. Copy that. Mine will be out 3 days before my birthday but warned me today that he's going to have to be very selfish for a while or he'll surely relapse. Yippee. Actually, on one hand I'm okay with it - couldn't be much more selfish than when he was drinking constantly, right? On the other hand, I am disappointed to my core because I have been missing the fantastic guy I married and I feel jipped that, now that he seems to be here again, I still don't get to have MY emotional needs and wants met. Then I realize that while he has been getting sicker in alcoholism, I have been getting sicker in codependency. I need to be selfish now too so that I can pursue my recovery.
It would be nice to have a normal life but, unfortunately, we are married to addicts. It would be nice if we could just turn a few keys and we could be "normal," but we/they didn't wind up in this condition overnight and recovery won't happen overnight. In order to "right" things, it takes quite a while of actively pursuing recovery. We all have to learn healthier ways of being and actually start doing things in a more healthy way. The good news for you and I is that our husbands are both probably in the best possible place for this change to begin to occur! I have heard that it's going to take about as long for them to truly come out of the madness as it took for them to get completely lost in it, and that's *if* the program is worked.
Some selfishness is good. When we get caught up in the addict's lifestyle (even if we're just trying to stop it) we lose ourselves as we get wrapped up in them. I'm getting help in that area from counseling and a codependents 12 step group (like al-anon, but through Celebrate Recovery, so it's got a Christian bent... and they have childcare).
On the advice of my counselor I am learning to accept help from friends who offer. One friend brought over dinner one night last week, and another 2 friends chipped in and are sending over a HOUSECLEANER tomorrow morning! Hallelujah!!!!!!!
I hope that other tapes can play in your mind. We all go through those times.
Blessings!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
they pass it takes time---we hear ''oh the poor guy" while we are out there trying to hold it all together alone--you might as well be a single parent because you are living like one anyway.....take it slow...Myself I did have those feelings as well about my sons recovry--I was thrilled but then all the garbage I had been holding inside started to come out once I didnt have to think/worry about him 24/7--its a long rough road...
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