ArmyWyfe

Hi, I have posted b4 but since haven't been doing so good, and now I know why. I just found out I have Post-Partum(sp.?) Depression. This was shocking to me because I thought women that have PPD have thoughts of harm towards their baby or kids. I remember the lady I think on Oprah that had voices that kept telling her to throw her baby in the fireplace while it was lit, or Andrea Yates. So I never thought twice about it, but I have been so depressed lately and I don't know why. My marriage is like the best it's been in years, my children are doing great, I love them so much and have no thoughts of harming them, but I have been crying everyday, I hardly get out of the bed, I don't go anywhere and I dread when I have an appt. to go to. I go to therapy for my back and knees twice a week and I dread leaving the house for it cuz I just wanna stay home. I sometimes call and cancel. Amya (my 4 month old baby) makes me laugh, I love playing w/ her, but I'm just so sad. I signed up for Cha Cha in Jan. but never do it, and of course, I have been absent from here for about 2 months. I just don't feel like doing anything. I don't call my friends anymore. I haven't even eaten in hours, I just don't feel like it.

I used to never be home, always doing something cuz I couldn't stand being home, especially when it's nice out. But now, if the sun is shining, I just pull down the rolladens (the outdoor blinds on our windows) and black out my room and just sleep.

I just started Zoloft yesterday, just half a pill every morning for a week. I am on lots of meds, mainly because the pain in my knees, my stomach, and my high blood pressure. You have no idea how scared I am to take these pills. I can't help but to think about Anna Nicole and her son, and Gerald Levert, and all the other ppl that die from these toxic drug cocktails. These are the meds I am on, the ones I can think of anyway:

Zoloft
Amytriptiline (anti-dep., but is for my insomnia)
Guifanex
Prenatal vit. (I have to take these for the rest of my life due to weight loss surgery)
Iron (severely anemic)
Tramadol
Lisinopril
Maloxicam
Lavateracetam
Clonodine

I was on Percocet for the duration of my physical therapy, which is painful (I have a rod in my spine and have been having pro. w/ it, and my knees crack, grind, and burn when I go up the stairs because of when I was 130lbs. heavier) but I was concerned about this because I have been addicted years ago. My doc and the pharmacist, whom I would meet w/ regularly, were giving it to me like Skittles. 84 here, 42, there, and my last dose- 180 pills. I finally got up and said, on my own free will- NO MORE! I had no problem taking care of the kids, hell, I was happier, but it needs to stop. The Anna Nicole and Daniel story is what woke me up. I do not want to die, and I felt I was headed that way. The Percocet eased my depression. Well, I took my last pill 3 days ago and let me tell you, I was going through hell yesterday. Diarrhea, cramping in my liver and stomach (due to all of the tylenol I have been taking in), shaking, anxiety, sweating, can't sit still, can't stand still, can't sleep, my body was so sore I fltl like I just got jumped into a gang. That is why I am on the Clonodine, it helps LOTS. It's not for the pain, but to control my shaking and sweating and anxiety so I don't feel like I am trapped in a dark box anymore. You should have seen when I had to sign my name the other day. I was shaking so bad my signature was all over the place, and when I printed my name, it looked like my 6 year old did it. I only have another day or 2 of this withdrawal mess and I should be okay. I know I can do it, I have to, for me and my family.

The pharmacist told me not to tell anyone, I just found out her butt is on the line. She beat me to my doctor when she saw me come in the building for an appt., must've been to tell him they both may get in trouble, and to tell him to be nice to me or something. I also told her on the phone that I want to go to ASAP (Alcohol and Substance Abuse program). She said I should go to this guy she knows, some therapist instead. She said that cuz she doesn't want me to go into a group setting and talk about this, the ASAP is down the street from the clinic.

My doctor even gave me his number so I can call him for Percocet refills. They have been my enablers and I am telling you, if I didn't decide on my own to get help, I would be back up there in a few weeks and they would happily refill my meds. When I met w/ the pharmacist, she told me she is not worried about me getting addicted to Percocet cuz it's not that bad, and for some reason, I trusted her. I guess because, duh, she is a pharmacist and knows all about medicine. I remember looking at her degrees/certificates on the wall after she said that and then I felt like, okay, she should know. She has given me 80 Vicodins b4, but I flushed them cuz they made me throw up. She also wanted to put me on Percocet XL (Xtra Long). She said w/ that, instead of being high for 30 minutes, it would last about 6 hours and I won't have to take as many. Since she kept asking at every meeting, I went ahead and took them. They were pure Oxycontin, just 10mg, but they gave me terrible headaches. After taking just 3 pills over a day, I took them back and she gave me more percs. BTW, I would meet her so she can ask me how therapy is going, and how my pain is. My therapy ends in May, if he doesn't extend it again because my knees are in very bad shape and I may have to move from my house into an apt.
I am worried about the effects to my liver from taking in so much Tylenol. I am praying that I won't need a liver transplant in the future. I am so scared to take these meds but I know I need to. I just found out that taking Tramadol and Zoloft together can be lethal, so I am going in to talk to a different doctor about it. I am SO proud of myself for saying "enough". I can't lie, of course I am craving them. I know just one pill will take this pain away, but if I took that one pill, I would have to start withdrawal all over again. That's another 4 days of pure hell. Nope, I am almost there. My DH has been amazing through all of this. He turns on the baby monitor when I am taking a nap to make sure I am okay or if I need something to drink. He kept Amya all night in the living room so I could sleep. He has taken care of the other 2 among other things. I am so thankful he is here. The pain to my body is so much better than what I was going through yesterday. Thank God for the Clonodine. I have higher hopes today, I feel better. I hope this continues. I am 3 days clean. Not much yet but I can't wait till I get my life back!

Rowan

Hi - it's good to see you are back with us.

I cannot comment on the meds you are taking because although I have experience with some of them, I'm in no way a doctor.

What I will comment on is the PPD and on the depression itself. I, too, would lock myself away for days, had no appetite, slept and/or cried all the time. I felt like I was one gaping, raw wound, everything hurt so bad. I needed anti depressants to help me through that, and a couple years later, I got sober.
Depression is still a part of my life today, but I stopped meds 3 months ago. I go to a lot of meetings, meet regularly with my sponsor, and come here a lot. I felt like the depression would never leave, especially when my kids were little. I loved them so much, but I was miserable and wanted to die and felt guilty for that.

Just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in this. Please continue to share with us here, and try to take the rest of it a day at a time.

Rowan

ayla zaire

hi army wyfe, i remember you! i'm really proud of you for taking your recovery into your own hands.....i have to tell you i'm shocked by the behavior of your doctor and pharmacist.........but at the same time i believe it........they give painkillers out like they are candy......my doctor gave me 60 with three refills and called that a months supply, which is when i got hooked........getting away from both of them is the best thing you can do....

i had post pardom depression too, all three times.........the depression with my son was the scariest.......i didn't have visions of harming him, but i did have visions of both of my children being harmed, hit by cars, drowning........all in horrible detail........it was almost as bad with my daughter....with her i was convinced i was going to die and leave my husband alone to care for my kids.........it was a nightmare......

with my first son, it was more normal....if you can call depression normal.........i have a hard time describing my regular depression...........it's like a weight on me.....like all of my emotions are dulled, except for the negative ones......those were heightened......anger and sadness were overwhelming............plus i was exhausted and felt very helpless.........more so than usual........i have been depressed much of my life.........i am only this year finding some relief........with antidepressants.........it's like i'm a new person, sort of learning how to feel...........

good luck to you.....keep posting here and find as much support as you can.........and pm me if you need to talk, my husband is no longer in the military, but he was in the army for 10 yrs.....and my dad was a marine and in the navy..........i can relate to being married to and raised by military men........and i can relate to being an addicted mother........i'm here if you need me...........

Golfman

okay, i',m a guy, but don't think i don't know about ppd. after mu daughter has her first child, she was like someone i didn't know. where she used to be happy she was sad. she wondered all the time whether she would ever love her son. sometimes she would just let him cry because she was so confused. she would close the door to him room so she couldn't hear as much crying. Only after a doctor visit did she finally find out what was wrong. She got some meds that helped a great deal. but i think what helped her the most was the day she saw brooke shields on Oprah. the book she wrote was what gave her the inspiration to feel hope. she knew she wasn't alone.

now she's pregnant again, but she feels a little more confident because she knows what could happem. anytime you've been through it before, it seems to be a bit easier the second time. at least she thinks it will be.

Army, i will pray for you. that's a lot of meds you're on. i do hope that you will find a way to cut back on some if it doesn't have an adverse effect on your health. i had a friend once that was on so many meds for so many things, including heart failure, that one day his wife confronted all him doctorsd and told them in no uncertain terms that she wanted him off all meds. she eventually had to sign a release saying that she was taking responsibility for the outcome. well dontcha know he got considerably better. Eventually he died of heart failure, but at least he was happy.

thanks for sharing your experience Army. Your story will help other women, and husbands, in understanding the awful effects of ppd.

Kindness and undertanding for you today. and a little hug to boot,
Ed

ArmyWyfe

Thank you all. I feel so much better right now. All I had to take this morning is my half a pill of Zoloft. No pain pills, cuz there is no pain. I feel so optimistic, I know I can do this. It is hard, kinda like being dumped by a boyfriend that I was in love w/ and wanted to marry someday. lol

I tried to make an appt. w/ the LTC (Liutenant Kernel-I have no idea how to spell that lol) of the clinic, but he is booked all this month already. I will have to call back next week. As for today, I will continue to push on. This too shall pass...

Golfman

Way to go Army...just keep making the effort to help yourself. Maybe there's a way you could see a physician off the base. Just a thought. In any case, so happy to hear you feel better. Sometimes it just takes, getting things off your chest.

When there's something deep in your gut that's bothering you, take the opportunity to get it out into the light of day. Once it is hit by the light of the spirit, it won't take long before it loses it's power over you.

Keep working in the solution and the problem will soon disappear.

Yours in sobriety,
steady eddie

ArmyWyfe

Thank you! Here's an update- the medic that works in the pharmacy told my DH lastnight that they aren't going to renew the pharmacist's contract, so this is "supposed" to be her last month there. It's not because of what happened to me, but apparently she has been doing some bad things w/ other patients. I have no idea what, the lady couldn't tell us due to patient privacy laws, but it's been going on for awhile now so her leaving was already in the works. Maybe she kept giving it to me cuz she already knew she was leaving so maybe she just didn't care. If that's the case, it's sad that I had to be one of the patients she decided to let her frustration out on, KWIM?



Day 5, and I'm only on Zoloft and I feel SOOOOO good! I'm not totally 100% restored, I think that's impossible to do in just 5 days, like, I still don't feel like leaving the house yet, but I am out of my bed, which is a huge change. I now know that Percocet made my body ache, it was so numb I thought it was normal. I just have more energy now. I am about 98% confident that if I had Perc's right in front of me, I wouldn't touch them. That's an improvement from yesterday, I was about 80% sure then. And of course, day 2 of my withdrawal, I wanted them so bad so I could stop the pain going through my body that I was tearing my house up looking for one. It hurt so bad I was licking my fingers and tryed to scoop the residue out of the bottle. I know that when I had that bottle of 180, I dropped one on the floor and it rolled under my stove. I just thought, 'Oh well, I'll get it later'. Well on day 2, I pulled the stove from the wall and couldn't find it. I looked everywhere and no sign of it. I kept going back into the kitchen and pulling the stove away to look again, thinking I overlooked something. I think God took that pill, it was His way of saying "Janae, you can do this. Don't give up now." And I'm not giving up. Ya'll are great, really. I love reading the stories on hear, it's good to know I am not alone, and I am learning a lot from you all.

Anna

Hi Armywife,

I am so glad that you made the decision to stop and also to stop trusting your pharmacist and dr to help you with this. The pharmacist is being asked to leave your base, but I bet she will be allowed to work again, somewhere else. But, in the end you did the right thing by stopping and getting the help that you need.

Yes, and sometimes our HP takes care of us when we aren't ready to make the right choice!

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.