½Sane ®

Hello good people,

I could use a little help. I've had and was fortunate enough to overcome my own addictions, so I understand the way our body and mind becomes part of a terrible lie that keeps us in bondage. To keep this short, "I love my parents" but my Mother is 72 yrs. old and has been addicted to prescription drugs for many years. My father is 73 yrs. old and a rigid former marine that believes he knows everything about everything. He wont take a pill for anything because he believes pain is all in your head. I believe that deep down they love each other. Neither one of them can live without each other, but it's a cold, extremely dysfunctional relationship.

I could easily type a book here explaining the extent of their dysfunctional lifestyle, but to give you a hint… They're like George's parents on Seinfeld only worse. My Father is a perfectionist with little compassion about her addiction and my Mother is currently in a hospital for a legitimate neck operation. My Father has been telling her and everyone else that he's taking her off all of these drugs as soon as the hospital releases her. He's been told this could be very dangerous (not by a doctor) and the detox could kill her. He wont listen and I fear he'll try it.

I live an hour away from them and the rest of the family lives a slight bit further. We have to make a pre-planned excuse to leave when they start getting on our nerves. He wont listen to any of us, and my mother is usually off in a land all her own. I honestly think its time that the immediate family got together with both of them and confront the situation the most compassionate, factual way we can. First, I doubt if their insurance would cover a detox program if my mother chose to seek help. They cant afford it out of pocket. My father needs counseling himself about a few things but that's another story.

We all live in Maryland. I've Googled the net for prescription drug addiction facts (FDA, NIDA, SAMSHA) from reliable sources, but none of them touch (in depth) on the dangers of detoxing from medications incorrectly at any age. We have no idea what she's taking other then heart medicine. She's doing the switch doctors game and they're all giving her something different. She asks my sister in law for some of her meds, you may get the picture.

If you have a link to some reliable information that explains the dangers of detoxing incorrectly, or suggestions about anything else, its greatly appreciated.

BigSis

I don't have the information you need, but offer my support and love during this very difficult time for you.

My first idea is to have your mom's doctor talk to your dad - but if she is getting her meds from eighty-eleven docs, then they may not be so informed about addiction anyway... and may not realize the extent of her dependence and addiction.

I suppose your dad can go along an try to detox an old woman at home... something we don't EVER advise folks here to do... but I wonder how he will feel when she starts vomiting and crying uncontrollably and becomes much more than a "distant, compliant" partner? I hope he has the sense to understand when to call 911.... or that she does. My first instinct is to allow them to figure this out on their own.

But if you can't do that, and can't be there in person, can you call? If she needs help, then YOU could call 911 from your home and ask for a check in by the police?

It seems extreme, but then, you said your father will not listen to ANYone... perhaps he'll feel differently with a couple of cops at his door.

(((hugs)))) I wish you well.

teke

what bigsis said is my thoughts too. have her doctor to talk to your dad, he may be more willing to listen to the professionals. keeping all of you in my prayers.

½Sane ®

Thanks everyone,

It's a paradox that I understand there are no easy answers to. My Mother needs to realize she's an addict and perhaps hit rock bottom. My Father needs to realize he cant make her stop and his best bet is to become more informed about the addicts personality.

I've had someone PM me information for our area "Thank You!" and I'm gathering as much factual information that I can. It all boils down to "what will happen next" and who is willing to take the proper steps to begin recovery.

It's important that we find out exactly what meds she's on and let the doctors know she has an addiction. I believe at least one or more doctors realize something is going on but I cant blame them. They too get to the point of "they cant help until someone's ready to help themselves" and they cant refuse the medications if one is showing a genuine need.

I can see this is all going to come to a family intervention. I'll be armed with the facts and if no one will at least begin to listen, I'm ready to detach myself from the situation until I see otherwise. If it comes down to calling the police, I'm prepared for that also.

I'm worried but I know when to stop allowing an addicts addiction ruin my life. I also know when to stop allowing my parents dysfunctional lifestyle take control of my own. I've learned a lot from my own addiction and I realize my Mothers, although very similar is different due to her age and the chemicals involved. I'll never totally give up on either of them, but I cant help others that want no help.

Thanks again……. Mark

Barbdee

Dear Half Sane,
Sorry I am not responding to your original question, though with my dysfunctional family I'm sure I could be of help. However I want to know how you "registered as a trade name" your user id.
Better yet, why?
Are you writing a book or something? Why would anyone "register" their screen name? Very curious.
Thx, SM

Barbdee

Ahhh...you're a guy...makes sense now.
Intereventions don't work, IMHO. It only makes the family feel like they are trying to do something. And makes them feel better, not the addict. The addict is shamed and gets their fur up and it does no good whatsoever.
The addict has to WANT help. If not, nothing works.
In my experience, total detachment from the addict works best.
They will then find themselves alone and helpless and hopefully get that "aha" moment that they all need to get. And it's not true they have to hit bottom...that moment can come at any time in their addiction process.
****{Hugs}}} SM
still curious, why did you feel you had to register your user id?

½Sane ®

It's not registered anywhere for any reason. It was a symbol I liked when I considered my user name. The R in a circle represented recovery full circle. Thanks for asking. I've never thought about it in any other way.

joesentme

Secretmom,
Lot of people register their screen names now, so other people don't use them. Its a cool idea actually, (I'm not real worried about JSM LOL!). Also,
What do you mean by OP's a "man" and "That explains it". Explains what?

Are you feeling alright today?
JSM

Barbdee

That symbol, an r encircled, means a registered trade name. Only big corps usually do that. And it costs many thousands of dollars. So if you did not actually pay that money and register your name, you have to remove that symbol. Or you should anyhow. It's a legal thing. If lots of people are registering their screen names, then lot's of people are wasting their money.
Unless you have a business you are protecting, it's flat out stupid!
JSM...I am feeling terrific today, thank you for asking.
Natch, I'm more concerned about the c encircled than the r...the copyright symbol. If people start using those symbols without knowing what they are doing, then it denegrates the real meanings. And leaves me and hubby open to theft of copyrighted material.
SM

½Sane ®

You may be taking the whole R in a circle far more serious then need be in my case and the way I've used it harmlessly on a message board.

I also wondered what you meant by "Ahhh...you're a guy...makes sense now." It appears to or could be taken as making a bias comment but I give the benefit of doubt.

joesentme

Thanks 1/2 for clarifying SM's quote, I was lazy and miss-quoted. But I remembered the gender bias.
JSM

blackbird

1/2Sane ®, I applaud you for dealing with and stopping your own addictions, thats not easy. I see also there is a pattern of addictive personality that runs in your family and it would be terrific if you could be a bigger part in helping to have a part in taking action with your mothers long time problem and "to stop the cycle" in your family. Possibly your father will actually need to be the one who needs your help even if he has always "known everything", this is apparent that you have experienced addiction and are arming yourself with knowledge on the subject of prescription medicine addiction. That's a tough one, and it from what I have experienced and learned has alot to do with "numbing" yourself from a painful - unhappy existence and it's true alot of it is in your head, but unfortunatley doesn;t stay there only - very quickly does become a physical dependence also, so I do fear for your mother's safety if this is truly what your dad has in store for her once she returns home, who knows maybe this is his way of showing his love for her - unfortunate for her he is deciding on doing it this way, please speak with them both and if your father is still going to do it, then at least let your mom know you are a phone call away if she needs medical help for god's sake. I do wish her well and your father as well, they must love eachother very much in there own way. It's obivous you love them both. Good luck - also I can't believe the flack you are receiving on your screen name's ®, although I work with that symbol everyday at and know the actual meaning, I like why you chose it and your meaning is one I will keep with me from this day forward. One symbol - many lives, I actually think that would be a great tattoo for anyone who has dealt with addiction and then recovery - full circle - after all is that not what life is all about - coming full circle with yourself if you accept all challenges before you and extend yourself to those who need help if you are able to give it for the right reasons. Good luck to your family. peace-blackbird

½Sane ®

Thanks for the reply blackbird. I don’t want to see SM hung out to dry for the R in a circle opinion. I didn’t understand the comment that appeared bias but perhaps it was an honest mistake, or intended otherwise. We all make mistakes and have bad days. Its forgotten.

I'll be fairly well armed with factual information if needed but as SM mentioned, it's not be a wise thing to confront my Mother about her addiction. I want to arm my Father first and perhaps he'll be honest enough with himself to recognize some of the things he does isn't helping my Mother. They both need professional counseling separately and together when the storm is over.

I'm reading up on a few book reviews and will likely buy both of them a few books, given when I think the time is right. I hope everyone understands, I'm not going to jump into this without compassion. I need them both to understand what I want to do is out of love, and for no other reason. I'll think long before I react and simply want to offer them tools to understand, cope and hopefully overcome. The rest should follow.

I'm going to bed. Have a great day….. Mark