Kaitlyn2007

I am hoping you can help me!
I am not sure whether or not my husband is an alocoholic or not. We used to party very heavily and were a bit out of control. We would both get fired up as we were both wild crazy just out of college kids and got into some pretty heated arguments the majority of the time, looking back! I was shoved a few times. When we drank , it was like neither of us would back down. It was a miracle we made it throught all that. We got married, got pregnant a year later and it changed my life. I lost all "partying/drinking" desires. I had a new, more important focus.
My husband has cut back a good bit in drinking. As we used to go out every night he rarly ever goes out and is definitely a devoted family man. He is a great father and works in a very high paced, stressful work environment. When he drinks a certain amount of alcohol, whether it be 4, 6, 12 something hits and seems to overcome and he fights anger/fighting/picking on me and can just become really verbally abusive to me on occasion. No more physical brawls at all, but I haven't forgotten the way things would get years ago on rare occasion. I asked him to stop in the past and he would for a few months but there was a resentment there. It wasn't ever like he did it becasue he thought in his heart he really did have a problem.
His parent is an alcoholic and he is very aware of that and knows his drinking can be an issue at times and most definately used to be but doesn't think he has a problem anymore. I feel ike everytime I hear a beer can open, I get so tense and upset inside, wondering if 1 is going to turn into 6. We had a rule, where I said no more than 6, but that failed when friends would visit or he went out with work friends. So i cut it back to 4 which he thought was a joke. Needless to say, he agreed and has been drinking 6-7 the past few nights. If I approach it, he says I'm a b**ch and if I keep it up ,I am going to drive him away. I don't want to drive him away. i feel like he would choose me and our child over the alcohol, but I feel like he is going to once again resent me for making him quit.
I feel like it his one weakness and wish to God he would just stop all together. Alcohol used to bring out the fiestiness in me as well back in the day, but I decided I am no longer going to be part of that equation and it hasn't been an issue with me in years. I thought that may rub off on him but it hasn't . I ahve played hardball and have tried playing the loveing, supportive wife! BOTTOM LINE: neither has gotten me where I want.
I do not know what to do? Do I stand firm. I told him if he did not go along with my wishes, i would have NO choice but to leave him. I feel so strongly about this drinking thing. He doens't drink every night but then may have 7 two nights in a row, which is ridiculous to me. i wouldnt' even have an issue if he had 2/3 or 4 on weekends, but I feel like once he starts he just wants more. I don't think it is an actualy craving but just a "i want more b/c I want another" if that makes sense.
There are plenty of nights where he only has 2........He says everyone in his work place drinks everynight and I said I don't care , they don't have the history or family with alcoholics! He is a great father and husband......What do I do....Months ago he said he would "agree" to my wishes and be no more than 4 whether we were at a party/social function,etc. I hate having to feel liek this ....Please help me. Do i need to stay strong? How do I stay firm, but without being a jerk? We are visiting family up North for Easter and his family are very socailly drinking people and we are staying with them. I don't know what to do and am on my last straw!
I hate that alcohol can cause so much heartache and pain!

CatsPajamas

Hi Kaitlyn and welcome to SR. You can truly make yourself insane by trying to figure out if he's an alcoholic or not. Trust me, many of us have done the same and we still don't know.... what we DO know for sure is that someone else's behavior is causing us problems or discomfort.

Here's a bit of what I know :

**you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
**He's going to do what he's going to do, no matter WHAT you do.

You can read read READ the posts here, and you'll learn a lot. You can learn about setting and maintaining boundaries. And you can learn to live a happy, healthy and serene life whether he continues to drink or not.

Hugs. Please know you that you aren't alone. We're here 24/7, and we'll leave a light on for ya.

Cat

newenglandgirl

Welcome to SR Kaitlyn. Sorry for all the troubles you are having. There's lots to be learned here at SR...so stick around and keep reading and posting.

It took me a really, really long time to realize that I had the RIGHT to demand the kind of behavior that I know is acceptable. In other words, I had the right to NOT ACCEPT unacceptable behavior. This is your life. You decide what is right in your life. If his drinking is not acceptable. Then is it's not acceptable. Lay down the law, and stick to it. If you make a promise/threat, then you need to follow through.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you don't get anywhere being a b*tch, and you don't get anywhere being a nice, loving wife. Nothing worked for me either.

I wouldn't be so worried about being a jerk, like you say. Sounds like HE is being the jerk. Normal, nice people listen to the cares and concerns of their partners. He is ignoring you. He is an alcoholic. His number one priority, unfortunately, is the drink. Yes, you are right...alcohol can cause so much sorrow and pain.

Daisy30

((hugs)) you are exactly where I was about a year or two ago. Thinking that this is a wonderful man (which my AH used to be...and can be until he drinks) and that of course he will pick me and the kids over the drinking...Wrong...

I would of never thought in a million years the man I married...the man I wake up with in the morning....would choose to get drunk over being with us...but he does. And he will go to any legnth and risk the safety of our children...

Like you I told him he needed to cut back....so then he would just sneak a few extra....Then I told him I didn't want it in the house...so he would hide it.(still does) and then I noticed he had started drinking our mouthwash to get drunk if he couldn't get any alcohol.

Alcoholism is a terrible thing...I am still coming to grips with it...and understanding that I am powerless...nothing I say or do will change him.
(((many hugs to you)) I know exactly how you feel

Sunflower

welcome---

harleygirl92156

I wouldn't count on that honey. Seems to me from what you say, he has ALREADY made that choice.

ICU

Welcome to SR Kaitlyn (what a beautiful name by the way)!

It's sometimes hard when one person has stopped the drinking like you have, but the other part of the duo hasn't! You've grown and he remains stuck in that mode he was in when the two of you met and dated.

I used to drink with my ex too. I quit when he started going to AA. For me it wasn't a problem in the slightest because I'm not an alcoholic. It was different for my ex. When he resumed his drinking career after four months of sobriety, he used to look at me and taunt me into joining him, or, just pour alcohol into a glass of soda without my knowledge (until my first sip that is). If I had a drink, he would be pleased. If I didn't, he would accuse me of having the 'holier than thou' attitude, which gave him a reason (in his own mind) to drink more. Of course I wasn't the reason he drank, but, he liked to think so. I'm not sure...just guessing here, but I think it infuriated him that stopping drinking was a breeze for me, but his stopping was hell for him. Other issues in addition to his drinking ultimately led to the end of our relationship.

Have you given any thought to attending Alanon meetings? Many here have and find it to be an incredibly useful tool when going through similar situations.

Whatever you decide, keep coming back. I've found SR to be a wonderful place of support, and I've learned so much about myself. I wish the same for you.

Beautiful

And to add to that: When he stops drinking and still exhibits the same traits - and they WILL be there -- they call that a dry drunk.

I live with one. He "asserts" himself by making boundaries -- in MY personal space. That's controlling which is addictive behavior. Make sure to not blame alcohol for his sh*tty behavior.

dollydo

He will always be an alcoholic, it's only a matter of whether he is active or not.

The behavior is set.

The only thing you can do is decide what you want out of life, for you and your children, and how are you going to get there.

Keep posting, it will help.

free2be

(((HUGS)))) Kaitlyn,

I thought I could control my STBXAH, I would also set limits on how many he could have. I thought I was being fair to him by allowing him to have a few. I was still A b***ch. Didn't matter he did what he wanted anyway. It turned into a catch me if you. There is no rhyme nor reason to any of this, and you will never understand or make any sense of it. You will only make yourself crazy.

fluffyflea

Don't accept him calling you a b$%^h, that is verbal abuse, you don't deserve that.

Earthworm

Seeking Wisdom

Your story sounds so similar to mine. My husband and I met in college, where a lot of irresponsible drinking takes place. Nearly everytime my husband drank, he would drink too much, get aggressive and do inappropriate things .... but so did a lot of other guys in college. He didn't drink that often at the time, so I just attributed his hideous behavior to immature college drinking.

For the many years that followed .. he went from actually reducing his drinking when he got out of college... to eventually increasing it again when having a few beers after work with the neighbors .. then to drinking every evening and weekend no matter what the situation ... and having many incidents of drinking too much and acting outrageously. No matter how many times I tried to reason with him and explain how his conduct was unacceptable ..and that he needed to cut back...he would make promises only to break them again and again. I learned to hate social drinking with friends as he would always drink too much and make a fool out of himself. I hated the sound of a can of beer being opened every evening and weekend. In desperation, I finally asked him to restrict the number of beers to 4, then 3 and eventually 2 in the evening when he was around his kids and I... but he always appeared loopy no matter what. Even though I had never known him to lie, I eventually discovered he was sneaking and hiding beer and drinking far more than he had told me ... and he had been doing it for many years... he just was very careful not to get caught.

After all that time, I finally had evidence of him lying and hiding beer, that confirmed that his slurred speech and irrational moody behavior was not my imagination as he had implied for years... and it finally confirmed he was an alcoholic. Back then there was no internet or any easy access to information about alcoholism and all of it associated behaviors... if there had been, I could have confronted the situation sooner and saved many years of the cruel mind games he played on me. Like you, I always felt he would put his family first, but when I gave finally gave him the choice of his family or drinking, he choose drinking ... however, he then entered the next phase of drinking at work and attempting to hide all of his drinking from me... and more years of mind games and misery.

This is what makes this so difficult... it can sometimes take years to determine if our situation is simply a case of someone drinking too much - an immature youthful phase they will outgrow ... or if it is a dangerous, progressive addiction that requires sobriety for any healthy relationship to survive. Keep reading and learning, this forum is a wonderful source of information as to what alcohol addiction is really like and how if affects those around it.

TexasGirl

Hi Kaitlyn -
I always hated trying to be responsible for his drinking for him. It's very frustrating because you realize that you really can't do anything to make them do it. You can set all the rules in the world, you can try to out-manipulate (I was a pro at trying that), but ultimately, the only person who is responsible for your husband is your husband.

Your post sounds so familiar. Like you, I met my XAH in college, and we partied. A lot. And just like you, we used to drink and have some major fights in those first two years of marriage. It too calmed down, but I thought it was so odd how familiar it sounded. I was also the "b**ch" that "wouldn't get off his back." It hurts to hear those things. I know.

Is he an alcoholic? I used to get so frustrated when I first came here and people would tell me that the label didn't matter. WHY NOT, I thought! I just need to know. I can finally see now what they mean. It sounds like he definitely might be, but what is most important is whether there is behavior in your life that is unacceptable and intolerable. It also sounds like that might be true too.

Welcome to our group. There is much to learn here.

Bjen

Hi Kaitlyn- You have lots of things to think over after reading all these wonderful replies. I can only imagine it will take you a while to soak it all in. I'm glad you are here. I too always thought the drinking was to be outgrown. I didn't have a problem stopping. Mine was an A when I met him, only i didn't know (at 16 years old) that he was. I just thought he was a cool, hot guy that bought us minors beers. Now after 16 years, I see what a problem it is. I used to call him a degenerative alcoholic. Now I have learned here that progressive is a better word. I bet realizing that is hard for you too. It isn't something that can be maintained by me or you. Most alcoholics are best off not drinking at all. But me and you can't control that. It is so frustrating. Coming to this site helped me set (and learn) about boundaries and detachment which are the hardest things for me. I struggle with it every day.
It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you. Keep reading and posting and focusing on YOU!! (Another VERY hard thing for me to do). As stated before. We are always here. You've come to a good place.

Kaitlyn2007

Thanks so much for you words of concern and wisdom! It really means so much to me!

Sunflower

if you think he has a problem--he does

Kaitlyn2007

Well, I stayed strong! Guess we'll see. I hope he will give it up.....He said he didn't want to be micromanaged, blach, blah, but I said it wasn't about that . It was the fact that no matter what vacation we go on, no matter what friends we get together with , times/bars we go out to, my emotional state is nuts as I'm worried , Is the the time he gets into a fight or kicked out or whatever....It's miserable. I hope he chooses me or for that matter, his family of the alcohol:AKA micromanagement in his life.....Thanks for the encouragement to stay strong in my feelings. Atleast I will know early in our lives, I guess and not be having todeal with this in 10 or 15 years from now.....

honeycs

I know how you are feeling, have many of same feelings also.
My AH drank 2-3 days a week for several years..he is a completely different person when drinking and yes I am a b**ch to him...I 'm sure I don't help the situation I always say I am proud of it which always upset him..I guess because I am agreeing with him and don't allow the B word to upset me.

At this time in his life he drinks now daily. often hides his beer.....opened up the cabinet one morning in bathroom a 1/2 empty beer sitting in there...makes me sad to see someone I care about so out of control

Being new to SR I also am in the learning process to set boundries, and take care of me...I can help me...I can't help him he has to do that for himself.

A long road ahead We can do this.

Praying for you

Utahman

Kaitlyn,

Take it from a guy who knows, me. My biggest regret in my life is not stopping my wife from controlling her drinking when I realized she was teetering on the edge of too much. She went from never drinking to rehab in 3 years. She has been out of rehab. for 3 weeks.

My advice, set the rules and stick to them. This is not being controlling or anything like that. This is saving a life and protecting your children. If I would have done that 18 months ago I think I would have prevented a DUI, failed breathalizer which led to 2 days in jail and expensive Rehab. Again, I live with the guilt every day that I could have stopped it and did not take action. My wife used the same comments on me about being too controlling, it worked for awhile. I backed off and I regret it. Alcohol has destroyed my wife's personality, our marriage and our family. The rules and choices are different for each of us but be strong and don't let it ruin your life.

All the best.

un4gvn acts

Welcome to SR
You are in the right place. Keep posting & read read read all you can!
Detachment is probably the first place that I would start.
Read the sticky's they helped me out a bunch!