Intoduction

Old 03-31-2007, 07:12 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
Unhappy Intoduction

Hello everyone. I've been reading the last couple of days and have posted a couple of times. You've been helping me survive the past two weeks and I thank you.

I have an ABF (DOC Heroine). We've been together for 4 years, the middle two of which he spent in prison. I love him desperately, but due to his active additon, I made him leave the house. He didn't come home Friday night and I delivered the majority of his stuff to him at the place he is staying today. I've taken back my house keys and my truck keys.

He came by my house this morning and was threatening and verbally abusive. He went in the house and took my laptop, holding it for ransom for $10 (for breakfast - yeah right). When I wouldn't give it to him he threw the computer out the window of his van. Thankfully, it's OK. Now I can't go outside without locking the house for fear he will drive up and cause trouble. He's taken the grill and everything of value from outside the house.

He has a safe place to stay, I took him food and his clothing and toiletries, but still I feel guilty. I can't take the madness of living with him, but I feel like I am about to die without him. I turned off his phone which I pay for along with everything else that is stable in our lives. So I can't call him when I miss him and let him talk me into trying again..... and it's more difficult for him to call the dealer. But I feel horrible leaving him without the phone. He melts me with his beautiful brown eyes and in the past I always let him come back home and "kick" until the next week when he has money and the cycle begins again.

He is one amazing man when he is sober, but lately this is less and less. He is my best friend and we are great together. We work together in our own remodeling business and in everyway seem like we were made for each other. EXCEPT ADDICTION. It's killing me, but I feel like I have to let him go. He can't seem to stop and I can't continue to live this way.

I wish I could find some hope for us. He's 42 now and he's been shooting "H" off and on since his mom taught him at age 10. We walk through hell together and grab at pieces of heaven along the way. It's been a hard life for me, too, but no drugs in my past. It's difficult for me to understand that in this case "love is not enough." Especially since this is the first time in my life that I've found it ... but maybe that's been based on lies, too. I'm in so much emotional pain, but my ABF doesn't understand. He has no money and he's drug sick so he is mad and he is the center of the universe right now and I'm a "b****" for not helping him.

I have two boys ages 4 and 6 so I am trying to focus on myself and them right now. I can't eat or sleep. Oh God I want him back ... but I'm trying to stay strong.

Thanks for letting me vent and for helping me get through another day.

Trying to "livelife."
LiveLife is offline  
Old 03-31-2007, 07:21 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Livelife
I am sorry you are going through this. I know this is difficult for you because you love him. We love our addicts in our life; or who they were before the addiction happened. But we have to also be good to ourselves.
It sounds like you are making some good choices though and thinking about what is good for you and your children.
Like you said, take one day at a time.
Prayers for you and your children.
Terri
havehope is offline  
Old 03-31-2007, 07:34 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
grateful rca
 
teke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome livelife, glad to meet you. the addict in my life is my husband or 21 yrs,and i've been dealing with his addiction for as long. this is not an easy road, and it gets so much worse. addiction is a progressive desease and it may take for your addict to hit rock bottom before he realizes that his life is out of control and that he needs help. there is nothing that you can do to help him, this is a choice that he has to make for himself.

i think that you are doing a good thing by doing what you have to do to take care of you and your kids. maybe you can find a few alanon or naranon meetings to go to, they help a lot. read the stickies at the top of the forum page, others stories, and post all you want here.

when i first came here i was almost insane, feeling the way that you are now, your life will get better as you continue to focus on you and your kids.
addicts are very resourceful, when he's ready, he will find a way to contact you, i the meantime, maybe you can do all you can to prepare yourself. life with him will only get worse, do what you can to keep your mind occupied, maybe start a project or something and turn him over to god and believe that he will handle this situation for you and your bf.

i think that you are doing very well, that it is good that he is able to suffer the consequences of his own actions. maybe life will become so bad for him that he'll want to save himself. i'm praying for you and yours.
teke is offline  
Old 03-31-2007, 08:09 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mavis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
(((Livelife)))

I'm sorry for your pain. I myself had enough over a month ago, and left with my 5yr old son. I couldn't afford the house so I had no choice. My AH doc is nothing compared to your AH, but the Lie's, stealing, pain, hurt, deception, abuse ect, are all the same in any addict situation.

You are a better mom for doing what you did. You are worth so much more. Cross my finger's he will have enough of his life and wan't to go to treatment.

(((Mavis)))
Mavis is offline  
Old 03-31-2007, 08:14 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. first off please make a plan to keep yourself safe.he sounds as if he is going off the deep end.that part is very scary especially with your 2 kids. read the sticky at the top of the forum.i understand how how hurt you are but there is nothing you can do to save him.you have to save yourself.keep coming back & keep yourself safe.prayers,hope
hope213 is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 04:10 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
Day 2 of Lockout Begins

Thanks for your hugs and support. Finally, since finding this forum, I don't feel so alone and so insane. You are helping me find the peace and strength I need to continue on.

It takes everything I have inside me right now not to run to him and bring him back home and take care of him. You are helping me stay strong and realize that the more I help him, the more I hurt both of us.

My heart is breaking. I am so in love with this man. Even in the worst of times, all I want him to do is take me in his arms and tell me one more time that it will be all right.

The worst part of all of this for me has been the lies. I've told him so many times that I will walk beside him through the darkest hours, but I need complete honesty. I think the lies are as difficult for him to give up as the heroin.

Thank God I've made it through another night. Now it's time to focus on today. The children will be awake soon. I'm trying to shelter them from this madness, but they love him, too. He's incredible with them and they miss him.

One more minute, one more hour, one more day ... one at at time.

Thank you, everyone.
LiveLife is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 04:26 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Yes, focus on today and your children. They must be your priorty, they are innocent victims of this maddness.

This will get worse before it gets better, what is your plan if he comes over again...are you ready to keep him out?

He has been an addict for a very long time, there are no magic cures, and he is not seeking recovery...you must protect yourself and your children.

You cannot help him, only he can help him. Taking him back all the time, just fuels the addiction. Perhaps if you let him fall to his knees, he will seek recovery. He is responsible for him, you are responsible for you.

I know you are hurting, but, you need to think with your head, not your heart. Easier said than done, it is a slow process.

I care, please take care of you and the little ones.
dollydo is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 04:43 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
Thanks dollydo.

My plan right now is to keep the doors locked and the children inside unless we leave to run errands.

He has been violent with others in the past. He is a trained fighter and used to compete. He enjoys the fight and the rush. He has no history of violence with women and his confidence and ability to protect me had always made me feel safe.

Now he is a desperate, sick man and my actions are helping push him there. He has been verbally threatening. I told him not to threaten me and he said he wasn't ... he was "promising." Nothing specific just telling me that I am making a big mistake putting him out and that I will never forget his name.

We've always been very close. A life line to each other. I hope that the underlying connection we have will get us through this safely. He could have thrown my computer in the street, but he threw it in the grass. On some basic level, I feel like he won't hurt me or the children physically.

But that doesn't mean I'm not trying to be ready. There is no way to know for sure what he will do. Usually I give in and take him back. He's only two miles away and he's angry and sick.

Hanging on......
LiveLife is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 06:17 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
pjbs55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Livelife,
Welcome to SR. This place has safed my life a few times, they make you feel loved and secure here.
The man you are talking about is NOT the man you love it is the addict talking. The one you love is nowhere in sight right now. He is threating you and your kids, that scares me. Please talk to the police and file a report, you don't have to press charges at this time. Just get it on record, so if the time comes that you need to take other steps to protect you there is a record of what is happening. If he should, god forbid, do something there is a record of the threats and it will make it easier for an arrest.
If you don't do this for you do it for your kids, they need to be protected also. It is a shame that they can't go out and play because of this man. I wouldn't let them out of my sight at this time.
I will pray for you and your kids to stay safe and to be protected for this addict. Hopefully the man you love comes back in the picture in the future
pjbs55 is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 07:27 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
On a tear
 
BigSis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Livelife))) As you have discovered, you are not dealing with the man you love, but with the desperate, conniving, scheming, heartless addict.

I had to be careful not to trust the addict based on my history with my loved one. I got burned several times first.

I think other thoughts when active addicts talk to me.... wondering if I'll have time to get to the store before it closes, thinking of what I need for work tomorrow, imagining building an organizer for my closet.... all the while just giving non-commital "noises" to the addict.

They may need to talk, I do NOT need to listen.

Sounds like he may be working up to getting himself a restraining order. Keep those babies safe (including leaving them a healthy mom!!) at all costs.... all costs.

(((hugs)))
BigSis is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 08:39 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Livelife,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

It's hard enough to be in love with a man that (for your own safety and sanity) you can't be with. But having to watch him turn into a monster has to be especially horrible.

But you've got to accept that's what's going on: He is losing control and he has turned into a monster. He IS threatening you. Do you love him enough to let him hold your CHILD for ransom for drug money? What about holding YOUR life for ransom for drug money?

That, unfortunately, is what is happening. He has you by the throat, and your "desperate" need for him-and-only-him, and whatever need he fulfills for you, keeps driving you to take him back even though he will systematically dismantle your life and any little shreds of happiness you have left. That is what addicts do. The addict does not love you -- he needs you, your money specifically, and he will do whatever he needs to do, say whatever you want to hear, and threaten and hurt you if need be.

Please get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You will recognize yourself in there (I did, and a lot of us here did). You'll be able to step back and get the big picture of what's happening, and it will help you stay sane and strong through this ordeal, which unfortunately is just beginning.

Also, the next time he comes close to you and your children you must, must, must get a restraining order. Document everything he does and says, and be ready to show it to the police and judge to back it up.

Look at it this way: Say you have a daughter who has grown up and is now in her twenties. She comes to you and tells you the story you've told us. What would you advise her to do? Her boyfriend is saying things like "...you won't forget my name..." Wouldn't that worry you just the tiniest little bit?

Know that what your children see you doing now is what they will do then. You are teaching them by your actions.

You are not seeing things clearly because of this "love." You are in great danger -- you can't stay locked in your house forever, neither can your kids, and you are allowing this monster he's become to make you a prisoner in your own life.

This is no longer the man you love. Please realize that you're looking at someone completely different from that guy, and that he is going to hurt you if that's what it takes to get money to do his drug. You are expendable, and so are your kids.

They're ALL "great guys" when they're sober. We ALL have wonderful times that we remember. We love them so much it hurts. And none of that matters when addiction steps in.

Please be protective of yourself and your children.

Love and hugs,
GiveLove
GiveLove is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 10:30 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
The man who used to be my best friend and love of my life just called me from a payphone furious with me for shutting off his phone. He told me just how horrible I am for kicking him while he is down. In not so nice words. Of course, this is all my fault and I am a terrible person for doing this to him.

I'm trying not to let it get to me emotionally. This morning I woke up and had a great time doing normal things like working out and playing with my children. It's better for me that his phone doesn't work because I can overcome the temptation to call him and bring him back home. I actually had a few minutes where I didn't even think about him.

Maybe this is the first step to recovery?????

You are right. This is another person talking to me now. I am finally able to see "the addict" who has taken over his mind and body. I am starting to see the difference between the man I was passionately in love with (and still am..... God help me) and the sick dangerous addict he is right now.

Its a difficult transition to now be scared of the man who I trusted so completely and who would have protected me and my children and given his life for us. I feel him in my heart, but now even his voice sounds different on the phone and he has lost so much weight that he looks really angry and sick.

Still holding on .... trying to "livelife" on day 2
LiveLife is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 10:48 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I'm glad you had a few minutes where you didn't even think of him. I' sorry that he called all furious and blaming you. This is what they do though. And each time we respond instead of react, it gets easier and more comortable for us to deal with the addict.
Of course he is furious; you finally stood your own ground and stood up for yourself. He isn't use to that (but he will get use to it ).
Good for you!
One minute, hour, day at a time.
HUGS!
Terri
havehope is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 10:50 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
A work in progress....
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by LiveLife View Post
This morning I woke up and had a great time doing normal things like working out and playing with my children. It's better for me that his phone doesn't work because I can overcome the temptation to call him and bring him back home. I actually had a few minutes where I didn't even think about him.

Maybe this is the first step to recovery?????
Hi LiveLIfe,

Maybe it is. And doesn't it feel good to not think about the madness? To just enjoy your life and your kids, even for a few minutes?

I have been in an abusive marriage for 25 years to a man who has been on drugs of some kind the whole time; Lately (last 10 years) his DOC is opiates. I have three sons with him, ages 10, 19, and 24.

I recently kicked my AH out of our home. I had to do it with legal action (filing for divorce) because he just would not leave. I have heard it all-I'm cruel, I am destroying the family, I'm crazy, I'm a liar, and on and on and on.....He has been telling anyone who will listen what a lying, conniving, you know what I am. His newest mantra is that I am the one on drugs.

It bothered me at first until I figured out that it's none of my business what others think of me, and the truth will come out in the end.

Have you taken legal steps to protect yourself? Addicts don't play by anyone's rules except their own, and they change constantly to fit the situation.

Please continue to come here; this place has been a live raft for me and many others. Take care of you and the kids and know that you are not alone!
duet_4-8 is offline  
Old 04-01-2007, 06:41 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
OHmiGosh, Livelife, so glad you are here---you definitely came to the right place. I dont' know how long ya'll have been together, but if he's that old and has been on the stuff that long for only minor periods of sobriety, he will have to hit ROCK BOTTOM and work a serious program to get better.
If something happens, call the cops so you can get a record of what has been going on in case something REALLY SERIOUS goes on.
Take care of yourself and you kids, bottom line!!
(((HUGS))))
tropikgal2 is offline  
Old 04-02-2007, 08:20 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Livelife-
I could have written your post.
I am EXACTLY where you are at, at the moment with my abf.
I, too, continue to hold on to our connection and also tell him that I will stand by him and cannot understand why he still wants to PUSH me away. I still have my dreams about our future together and have a difficult time understanding that this man may not care about me/love me. It is so hard to believe that someone you ARE so passionately in love with can be so consumed by an addiction.
HKAngel24 is offline  
Old 04-02-2007, 08:23 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
let it grow!
 
parentrecovers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
living with addiction is so trying, i sure understand. it's nice to meet you, livelife - keep posting! k
parentrecovers is offline  
Old 04-02-2007, 01:50 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
sobercuse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Up North
Posts: 105
((((((Livelife)))))))))
Take care of yourself and your children.
I feel bad for you to have to go through this. But, this is what happens when we love an addict.

Live and Learn...Let Go and Let God.
Be very careful about enabling. This recovery forum is excellent with a whole lot of wisdom.

Go to Alanon, go to an open AA meeting. There is a life of promise out there, I promise.
sobercuse is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:51 PM.