loveRoy

I am not sure but I imagine that many people, like myself, have stayed in a relationship because of financial dependence upon their partner. My children are in college and grad school and are actively taking steps towards financial independence. It is important for parents to teach their children, at a young age, to do everything they can to provide for themselves so if they ever find themselves in a negative relationship they can have more options. It is especially important to empower our daughters who often take supporting, rather that breadwinning, roles in relationships. For you who have young children, has your history of dealing with a person with an addiction changed your approach to parenting and your dreams for the future's of your children?

Daisy30

Thank you for posting this....it is really making me think
I would have to say yes and no.
I was a single mom first and very strong. I put myself through school and my daughter got to see that.
Now with AH I feel less strong. If it was the "single mom" me of years ago ....I would have no problem leaving this relationship......and now I guess my daughters see that too???
I am definately going to make a point to talking to them about being empowered women
thanks again for this post

newenglandgirl

My mom always encouraged me to be self-sufficient...always told me how important education and career were.

That advice always stuck in the back of my mind. Yes, you are so right LoveRoy - so important to teach children these things.

Sunflower

well I was certainly raised to take care of myself--and everyone else--but looking back I totally spoiled my son--maybe thats why he is an A

HolyQow

I was raised to be independent. I was not raised how to spot an alcoholic. I moved out of my parents house when I was eighteen. I worked until I had children......then comes the dependence part. I was dependent on my husband because I felt it important to stay home with the kids. I became independent again when I divorced him. Shortly afterwards, I met husband #2. I had another child. I became dependent again.

Now this is where I have a problem....I became further and further dependent because AH sucked the life outta me, ruined my self-esteem, and filled me with so much self-doubt that I don't see much of a way out of this mess.

I think it would be better to teach them how not to let others treat them badly, how to spot an alcoholic, and how to maintain their independence and if all else fails, how to get out of the trap........just my opinions.

justjo

I agree with holyqow. All through out my childhood we had alcoholics in the family. My mum worked day and night to support us kids as my father was an ill man. I suppose in 1960 it was odd for a woman to be working fulltime and the father home. I had to come home from school and then start doing housework as dad was too ill. I grew up very independent, my brother also but with his own drinking problems and my sister well.. an chronic alcoholic now.

I suggest its best to bring your kids up with morales, values and most importantly that they feel special and loved.

I have have three adult sons now, eldest was a drug addict, my other two sons are doing really well. Love them all equally. My eldest son is adorable and he went off the rails when I divorced his father. Didnt cope very well and I suppose I didnt either. There you go but after lots of hard work and hard knock backs to him. He finally is a charming, happy man.

The reason for alcoholics in my family....well who really knows..... some say genetic. I really think its all about personalities and how we wake up in the morning and deal with life. I guess I was one of the lucky ones.

braveheart6

My three girls all work,two of them have two jobs and they are all loving,lovable people .

My son is an A,who sleeps around and no-one matters except him.

Dont know what this says (well I do really) but I love them all.

My son complains he hardly ever sees me and I've told him it would be more often if he was sober.This is painful for me too but they were all brought up the same so why the differences_genetic or learned behaviour,wish I had the answers

free2be

I feel that it is more about codependency. People can be educated, independent, financially secure and successful. However, if they are codependent all of that won't matter. They would give it all up. I have started my older daughter in therapy as I have begun to see some codie behaviors blooming. I am trying to teach them not only to be independent and successful adults, but teach them about healthy respectul realtionships and boundries. just my opionion.

newenglandgirl

This is so spot on HolyQow.

I totally ditto that.

You all are so right in pointing out that it doesn't matter what kind of education or job one has...that getting entangled in an alcoholic situation can happen to anyone as long as they don't know enough to see the red flags from the get-go.

concolor1

Sunflower wrote above about her son: "Maybe thats why he is an A . . . "

Back to those three C's . . . Despite the guilt you're feeling, you didn't cause that one . . .

I was raised pretty unspoiled--actually with pretty toxic corporal discipline--by upper middle-class parents, an Eagle Scout and a National Merit Finalist . . .

It's an equal opportunity disease, period. Yeah, alcohol and pot are the gateway drugs to addictive disease, but there's a strong genetic component, and the peer pressure I experienced to try pot in the early 70's was sufficient to overcome any family and school strictures against using (of course I was drinking when I finally "gave in").

My experience as "Boomer" is that many who were raised under the "permissiveness" of that "Evil Dr. Spock" didn't carry a lot of adult baggage from the experience; oh, they tended be more slightly more liberal, but now, in middle age, I don't see that as a bad thing . . .

Sunflower

thanks concolor---I needed to be reminded of that...his father my exah was a brutal A---i left him when my son was 2 never to be seen again by my son--I thought I was saving him from a nightmare life--and I did--but he turned out the same as his father in many ways---an A by 15--I can't tell you how much that pisses me off to this day!!!It is definately genetic

justjo

Braveheart that has been my question too for a long time. Maybe a thread on this would be interesting.

Barbara52

Growing up with 2 alcoholic parents, especially a mom who had no marketable skills, was one reason I have always been financially independent. I was not going to allow myself to be in a position where lack of funds kept me in any situation. I have raised my sons to be financially independent (although them both being in college they are still depending on me and dad an awful lot). I tried providing an example to my step-daughters but I'm no so sure that helped since I was only in the picture a few years and their mom didn't work until recently and now only to earn a few extra bucks.

I never learned what a healthy relationship was like growing up. I'm still learning. My first marriage ended in divorce after 18 yrs largely because we married young and grew in different directions. I was then single for 10 years and ended up marrying an A. I've come to see it as marrying my father in many ways. Now I am unlearning those unhealthy choices and dealing with the underlying issues.

hadenoughnow

My mother was totally dependent on my father financially and very codependent, after she divorced him she expected me (at 18) to help support her (at the time I didn't realize how wrong this was). She remarried (for financial support) and divorced again and of course expects the goverment and her children to support her. I decided early in life that I would never be financially dependent on a man but it took many years for me to realize my codependent relationship with my mom and AH and that BOTH of them are wrong to expect me to take care of them (at one point my mom lived with us, it was a nightmare for me). I stopped giving my mom any money 4 years ago and keep her (and her drama) at arm's length. One down and one to go as they say.


My AH is adopted, neither of his parents drank, they were strict christians and tee totalers and his dad was a wonderful man.

Pick-a-name

No......that's not why,anymore than you making deserts would "make" him a diabetic. Please do not put that false guilt on yourself.

Remember the 3 "C's".

justjo

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunflower
well I was certainly raised to take care of myself--and everyone else--but looking back I totally spoiled my son--maybe thats why he is an A


I relate Sunflower and I have asked myself that question too. but more so often I ask why? With three sons, all so different but one a drug addict? I guess mums just want the best for them.