Concerned, my next step?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 16
Concerned, my next step?
Hi all, I'm new here. I posted something similar to this in another section of this board.
I have a dielema. My boyfirend has been going to meeting and I have been attending them with him as support. He has an addiction to cocaine and he says that he is clean but I have found indications that he may not be.
His addiction has put a lot of stress on our relationship, he has lied many, many times about being clean only to find he is using. I'm at my last straw, in the beginning I believed him but time after time when I find that he has been using I feel like an idiot.
At the moment I believe he is using, I've gone so far as to ask him to take a 'home test', he comes up with excuses not to. So that leads me to think he is using again. I want to be support but I will not continue a relationship with someone who is lying to me about their using.
He thinks I'm playing games with him, I've told him straight up that if he's using tell me and we will work from there but if I find that he is using and lying to me about it then that will be a major issue. I am ready to end the realtionship if I find he is using and lying to me about it.
Was I right to ask him to take a home test? If the situation was reverse I would certainly take a home test to relieve his concerns, since if I wasn't using there shouldn't be an issue over it being positive for use.
Suggestions please. I can go on not knowing and I don't know what else to do.
*As a side not we do not reside together, but have been in a relationship for 3 in a half years.
I have a dielema. My boyfirend has been going to meeting and I have been attending them with him as support. He has an addiction to cocaine and he says that he is clean but I have found indications that he may not be.
His addiction has put a lot of stress on our relationship, he has lied many, many times about being clean only to find he is using. I'm at my last straw, in the beginning I believed him but time after time when I find that he has been using I feel like an idiot.
At the moment I believe he is using, I've gone so far as to ask him to take a 'home test', he comes up with excuses not to. So that leads me to think he is using again. I want to be support but I will not continue a relationship with someone who is lying to me about their using.
He thinks I'm playing games with him, I've told him straight up that if he's using tell me and we will work from there but if I find that he is using and lying to me about it then that will be a major issue. I am ready to end the realtionship if I find he is using and lying to me about it.
Was I right to ask him to take a home test? If the situation was reverse I would certainly take a home test to relieve his concerns, since if I wasn't using there shouldn't be an issue over it being positive for use.
Suggestions please. I can go on not knowing and I don't know what else to do.
*As a side not we do not reside together, but have been in a relationship for 3 in a half years.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
If I had a nickel for the trillions times my husband swore to me he wasn't drinking when he was .... I would be rich and sitting on a beach somewhere exotic ... instead of sitting here on my computer still trying to figure out why I wasted all those years trying to reason with an addict.
Just remember, lying is a big part of addiction-it is necessary to protect the substance of choice ... and an addict is not a person that thinks or behaves logically. You are dealing with an addict and he is the only one in control of his behavior ... keep reading and learning ... and then start concentrating on protecting and distancing yourself so you don't become another casualty.
Just remember, lying is a big part of addiction-it is necessary to protect the substance of choice ... and an addict is not a person that thinks or behaves logically. You are dealing with an addict and he is the only one in control of his behavior ... keep reading and learning ... and then start concentrating on protecting and distancing yourself so you don't become another casualty.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
My husband is an alcoholic. I can tell in less than 5 seconds if he has had only one drink. For those of us who have lived with it for so long, there's no guessing games for us... unless we are in denial.
I don't know how someone on cocaine acts... I've never been around an active user. But you have... and just like us, you know. You know if he is lying, and you know if he is using. Whether it's alcohol or drugs, I believe we each have this built in radar.
In answer to your question, I never felt the need to ask my husband to submit to a breath test. I didn't have to, because I knew. And deep down, so do you.
I think it's really good that the two of you do not share a home together. You won't have to deal with any of this messiness... who leaves, who stays, pack up belongings, changing locks... ugh!
I don't know how someone on cocaine acts... I've never been around an active user. But you have... and just like us, you know. You know if he is lying, and you know if he is using. Whether it's alcohol or drugs, I believe we each have this built in radar.
In answer to your question, I never felt the need to ask my husband to submit to a breath test. I didn't have to, because I knew. And deep down, so do you.
I think it's really good that the two of you do not share a home together. You won't have to deal with any of this messiness... who leaves, who stays, pack up belongings, changing locks... ugh!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Greetings,
If he chooses to use, drugs or drink, it’s all up to him. The fact is he really does not care what you think, and you getting involved with the whole thing, including the meetings, does nothing.
A person makes a choice to do what they want. The will make excuses for doing it, but it does not mater.
I think you real next step should be for you. Alanon, Narcanon, which ever you decide, should be your next step.
Having your life consumed by another’s actions is not living.
Take this time now for you, his life is his own.
If he chooses to use, drugs or drink, it’s all up to him. The fact is he really does not care what you think, and you getting involved with the whole thing, including the meetings, does nothing.
A person makes a choice to do what they want. The will make excuses for doing it, but it does not mater.
I think you real next step should be for you. Alanon, Narcanon, which ever you decide, should be your next step.
Having your life consumed by another’s actions is not living.
Take this time now for you, his life is his own.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Here's how I see it.....
He has broken the trust that you once had.
If he's sincere, then he needs to rebuild that trust.
That means not only being honest, but being willing and able to prove it.
Your requesting a drug test sound reasonable enough to me - but then again, it probably does seem reasonable to those of us that have lived with someone with an addiction.
It generally does not sound reasonable to the addict as they know what the possible results of the test could be.
(This situation so reminds me of an situation that me and my XAH had concerning an affair and my wanting/needing copies of his cell phone records!!!)
What I've learned since my own experience with being in a situation that reminded me of what you are going through - just as I remember all those broken promises of "I'll quit drinking", "I'm not drinking", etc.....is that boundaries are very important and they are productive!
Try checking out this link!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
He has broken the trust that you once had.
If he's sincere, then he needs to rebuild that trust.
That means not only being honest, but being willing and able to prove it.
Your requesting a drug test sound reasonable enough to me - but then again, it probably does seem reasonable to those of us that have lived with someone with an addiction.
It generally does not sound reasonable to the addict as they know what the possible results of the test could be.
(This situation so reminds me of an situation that me and my XAH had concerning an affair and my wanting/needing copies of his cell phone records!!!)
What I've learned since my own experience with being in a situation that reminded me of what you are going through - just as I remember all those broken promises of "I'll quit drinking", "I'm not drinking", etc.....is that boundaries are very important and they are productive!
Try checking out this link!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
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