Fine, it's me. Now shut up or get out!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Fine, it's me. Now shut up or get out!
I thought about placing this classified ad for my job as spouse of AH - sorry - DRY AH and thought that we could work on this together as sort of a group project.
I'll start:
A seeking spouse. Must be spouse because girlfriend/boyfriend will walk away. Must love working 84 hrs per week at outside paid job and an additional 96 hours per week attending to my various "suggestions." Must love being the butt of jokes and being disrespected - make sure to think it's all in your head and that you just "took it wrong".
Take it away............
I'll start:
A seeking spouse. Must be spouse because girlfriend/boyfriend will walk away. Must love working 84 hrs per week at outside paid job and an additional 96 hours per week attending to my various "suggestions." Must love being the butt of jokes and being disrespected - make sure to think it's all in your head and that you just "took it wrong".
Take it away............
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Actively-drinking A seeking "soulmate" who must be willing to get engaged/committed within a short period of time. Partner must be easily taken in by my infatuation and constant attention, which means this person must be easily manipulated by my great "charm." Must be willing to enable in any role suitable to our relationship; be it accuser, scapegoat, martyr, victim, etc. Successful candidate will need to learn to tolerate increasing amounts of emotional, verbal, and possibly physical abuse, as well as like my taking no responsibility for my own behaviors and actions. Anyone who thinks they are codependent enough to believe they can take on responsibility for believing they are part of my own problems will be seriously considered for the position.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
I'm not an A, I just like to have a few (cases) after a hard days' work and I don't see that as a problem.
I'm looking for a laid back, down to earth spouse who will stick by me for better or for worse, and who will love, honor and obey me. No matter what.
Applicant must understand that "laid back" actually means someone who will let me drive after drinking, who wont make a federal case if I forget to come home or call, who will not expect me to follow through on things, who doesn't ever have needs.
The serious applicant must also have skills such as loyalty even when it is not deserved, putting up a pretty front at all times, and if possible, gourmet cook and party planner extraordinaire.
By "down to earth" I mean someone who will make a good income, and if possible, who has rich parents and family with a trust fund set up so that I can work on my masterpiece.
I'm looking for a laid back, down to earth spouse who will stick by me for better or for worse, and who will love, honor and obey me. No matter what.
Applicant must understand that "laid back" actually means someone who will let me drive after drinking, who wont make a federal case if I forget to come home or call, who will not expect me to follow through on things, who doesn't ever have needs.
The serious applicant must also have skills such as loyalty even when it is not deserved, putting up a pretty front at all times, and if possible, gourmet cook and party planner extraordinaire.
By "down to earth" I mean someone who will make a good income, and if possible, who has rich parents and family with a trust fund set up so that I can work on my masterpiece.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I like what Tobe Rice Drews says (IMHO) in Chapter 4 of Getting Them Sober,Vol.1. about the "flip" of this.
She says: "...But the way your relationship is now, you could probably replace your alcoholic with 1,000 others in one day by placing this ad in your Sunday newspaper: “Wanted: one mate; drunk 50 percent of the time; come and go as you please. Grateful family waits at home. All your housework done. Very few responsibilities expected to be met. You may interview family at your convenience to see if we meet your requirements.”
She says: "...But the way your relationship is now, you could probably replace your alcoholic with 1,000 others in one day by placing this ad in your Sunday newspaper: “Wanted: one mate; drunk 50 percent of the time; come and go as you please. Grateful family waits at home. All your housework done. Very few responsibilities expected to be met. You may interview family at your convenience to see if we meet your requirements.”
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
These are hysterical! Pitiful yet really funny!
He actually said that I should upgrade my current position so HE could stay home. We, of course, would not move to a home I like but stay here because, after all, *he* likes it here.
This ad is helping me cope today, much as it stings true.
I need to add: Needs to like being called Edith Bunker.
He actually said that I should upgrade my current position so HE could stay home. We, of course, would not move to a home I like but stay here because, after all, *he* likes it here.
This ad is helping me cope today, much as it stings true.
I need to add: Needs to like being called Edith Bunker.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
My marriage was so different than this version. I wore the pants in the family and some might have said I bullied him. He let me run the show for one reason - because there were a few areas where he defied me totally, porn and drinking, and in order to have those things he gave me everything else.
My first husband also told his mom that I "liked to be in charge" and he was ok with that.
I guess I have my own issues, as do we all
My first husband also told his mom that I "liked to be in charge" and he was ok with that.
I guess I have my own issues, as do we all
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thanks for this thread. I needed it badly. Especially today. Trying very hard to get A/BF out of my life. I have a dark and cynical sense of humour so here is my advertisement for me.
A Male seeks willing part time soon to be A partner. Executive Position.
Phase one of position: You must fall in love with me. On the job training will be given because I am so good looking and charming with extraordinary ability to bring hope into your life. I am seeking a partner who wants committment and stability. I will love you sincerely. I will move in to your house and take away your lonliness and help you with those jobs you find difficult as a single Mum. I will promise many things including to protect you and your children. You will be pretty and worthwhile and your parents will be impressed. Your young children will grow attached to me but your older children will not like me. They will need to be brought into line.
Successful candidate will then be ready for phase two:
You will not notice me being drunk every night. Getting home after a hard day at work must be done quietly because I will be passed out on the couch. By now, your children should know better than to make any noise in the house. When we attend parties together, I will spend the evening flirting with the most beautiful girl in the room. You will be expected to smile, be gracious and say nothing even if I put my hands on her arse. If I pass out at formal function, in a store and the police are called becuase I woke up after doors locked and the alarm went off, you must be willing to take full responsibilty for my actions. Must be happy to help find possible new and interesting sex partners for me. Must be willing to accept that you are not interesting any more because you are not a stranger. This phase requires tatoos and piercings because I like them and if you want to stay interesting, you have to be willing to mutilate yourself painfully for me. Other people are wrong in this phase- you are not pretty or worthwhile. Must have low libido because I will be too drunk to ever satisfy you.
Phase three: Executive level hotel and restaurant manager status. Meals will be prepared and home cleaned even though I may not be a guest. Arrangement of family holidays on your own while I party with people I slept with while I was living with you is a must. O - and I will not come on family holiday because you don't understand me.
Phase four: Yet to be defined.
Salary to be negotiated as long as it is the negative range.
Skills required:
1. Ability to not notice I can't talk intelligently any night of the week
2. Ability to not notice I never touch you
3. Ability to not notice I surf porn all the time and flirt non stop
4. Ability to not notice if I take your friends away while they are staying at your house to go and buy smokes - for five hours.
5. Must not like yourself
6. Must be able to be deaf and blind on demand especially when I drive drunk
7. Slender build is an essential physical attribute - must be light enough to be pushed into furniture and supple enough to duck when large objects are thrown.
8. No phone skills required. Indeed phone skills are a disadvantage. (Must never call police when home is about to be burnt and guns fetched and must never check cell to see which new sex prospect is next)
9. Gullibility essential. Must always believe me when I am sorry and tell you I love you and will never be with another person after you.
10. Insanity
A Male seeks willing part time soon to be A partner. Executive Position.
Phase one of position: You must fall in love with me. On the job training will be given because I am so good looking and charming with extraordinary ability to bring hope into your life. I am seeking a partner who wants committment and stability. I will love you sincerely. I will move in to your house and take away your lonliness and help you with those jobs you find difficult as a single Mum. I will promise many things including to protect you and your children. You will be pretty and worthwhile and your parents will be impressed. Your young children will grow attached to me but your older children will not like me. They will need to be brought into line.
Successful candidate will then be ready for phase two:
You will not notice me being drunk every night. Getting home after a hard day at work must be done quietly because I will be passed out on the couch. By now, your children should know better than to make any noise in the house. When we attend parties together, I will spend the evening flirting with the most beautiful girl in the room. You will be expected to smile, be gracious and say nothing even if I put my hands on her arse. If I pass out at formal function, in a store and the police are called becuase I woke up after doors locked and the alarm went off, you must be willing to take full responsibilty for my actions. Must be happy to help find possible new and interesting sex partners for me. Must be willing to accept that you are not interesting any more because you are not a stranger. This phase requires tatoos and piercings because I like them and if you want to stay interesting, you have to be willing to mutilate yourself painfully for me. Other people are wrong in this phase- you are not pretty or worthwhile. Must have low libido because I will be too drunk to ever satisfy you.
Phase three: Executive level hotel and restaurant manager status. Meals will be prepared and home cleaned even though I may not be a guest. Arrangement of family holidays on your own while I party with people I slept with while I was living with you is a must. O - and I will not come on family holiday because you don't understand me.
Phase four: Yet to be defined.
Salary to be negotiated as long as it is the negative range.
Skills required:
1. Ability to not notice I can't talk intelligently any night of the week
2. Ability to not notice I never touch you
3. Ability to not notice I surf porn all the time and flirt non stop
4. Ability to not notice if I take your friends away while they are staying at your house to go and buy smokes - for five hours.
5. Must not like yourself
6. Must be able to be deaf and blind on demand especially when I drive drunk
7. Slender build is an essential physical attribute - must be light enough to be pushed into furniture and supple enough to duck when large objects are thrown.
8. No phone skills required. Indeed phone skills are a disadvantage. (Must never call police when home is about to be burnt and guns fetched and must never check cell to see which new sex prospect is next)
9. Gullibility essential. Must always believe me when I am sorry and tell you I love you and will never be with another person after you.
10. Insanity
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
OTS---I put on my web page today tht I got married yesterday--a whole paragraph on how I finally at 49 gave up the single life to an intelligent caring man who put his needs before mine--who has purchased me a new home and gave me a new caddy for a wedding gift--I even put an avatar of me in a wedding gown---when people go to page 2 it says--april fools--like there could ever be a man out there that good!!! You should see the comments I got friends were calling all day--I let it go to answering machine lol.....YES there are good men out there so don't be offended guys--its a womans joke....
Funny how most of them never got to the page 2 side hahahaha.....
Funny how most of them never got to the page 2 side hahahaha.....
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