braveheart6

Have been lurking a while and finally plucked up the courage to post as I have seen the amazing support provided here.

Married to my A for 32 years(tog 34 since I was seventeen)3 beautiful daughters,1 son and one little star of a 2yr old g,daughter.

He found AA in 1991 and stayed there for 10 years until he had an affair while we were seperated but,as I thought working things out.The pain caused by this betrayal was devastating compounded by the introduction of alcohol into the mix again as he failed to deal with his guilt.I refused to be part of his life while she was still in it as he had been at the house three or four times a week while he lived elsewhere and not being able to handle the thought of losing me totally came home soon after and since then we have dealt with allsorts of grief as well as his drinking again which took him quickly back to its worst.HE's done it AGAIN,some **** he met in the local bar-I flung him out 5 weeks ago and not even one 'phone call.I'm hurt-PLEASE TELL ME WHY

Nuudawn

Oh hon..my heart aches for your despair and confusion. I know you want answers and best I can give ya is that this is all about your husband's pain and fear. If he's drinking, he has no reason and rationale..he's just looking for an escape anywhere and anyhow he can find it. Since he's already been in recovery, he is likely deeply ashamed of himself for all sorts of reasons(which is why no phone call). It has nothing to do with the value of you..but everything to do with the loathing of himself.

Please keep posting. Release your pain and confusion...but also sit with it..let the tears flow and listen for what your soul is whispering.

braveheart6

Thanks Nuudawn-think I knew it was shame thats at the root of it but its great to get confirmation from someone else.Just feeling really lonely with a dose of the poor me's but I know I have to stay strong and that there are people out there suffering more than me.

Nuudawn

Suffering is suffering Brave. We suffer with you..not more or less. I'm a recovering drunk myself and I know that for most of my adult life to date...alcohol was my one true devotion and commitment. It came before anything.
We all get doses of the "poor me's..why me's?"...part of being human. You are so wise...you can recognize that painful ego induced suffering. I ask myself that alot when I'm struggling...am I in ego? or peace and love? My ego has been the bane of my existence and it is always what creates my pain. When I sobered up....I was actually aware of the shattering of my ego when it happened. It's still sneaks in all over the place..but I try to discern between my ego defense wailings and the quieter whispers of my heart or God voice.

Your husband is ill...but know that his "soul sickness" is contagious when around those that try and care for him....take care of yourself.

loveRoy

It's like my sister keeps telling me, there are always more questions than answers. If ever you think you have answers, the questions change. My AH got out of rehab last week and I have yet to hear from him. One would think that he would at least want to make sure his 2 daughters are ok. But then again he knows that I will take care of anything that arises. Keep reading and keep posting. This is a safe place and we all need a safe place to vent.

Sunflower

What a difficult journey this A has put you through for years. Sure you are hurting--and then he doesn't even call? how awful.....start worrying about YOU as it sounds like you already have given him so much of your life already.....sounds like you have wonderful kids and a grand daughter--start spending time with them and enjoying yourself---the A will do what ever he wants--nothing you can do about it unfortunately---be strong

Mr. Christian

I guess a better question would be “Why haven’t you had enough”

He is not going to change and everything that he does to you is because you let him..

So when is it enough?

Janitw

Braveheart.....welcome here...I know and have been where you are in all aspects except my XAH never sought the help that the kids and I begged him to go and get....instead he threw a knife in our backs...took up with a hooch from a bar and used her divorce attorney and then married her 4 days after our divorce was final..

Yes I know your pain....after a year and a half of his absence it still hurts and is indeed very painful . Take care of yourself and try not to think of him...he is ill and until he wants the help he wont find any help....only more misery. And misery loves company...and there is alot of that in the bars...

Hugs to you hun....keep your chin up.

newenglandgirl

Welcome to SR Braveheart.

Alcoholics cause destruction and pain to those they love. I am so sorry for your troubles.

I know that I put up with my AH's crazy alcoholic behavior for way too long. I look back, and I just can't believe how much stuff I put up with.

Keep reading and posting. There's lots to learn here. And lots of support.

Hugs to you -
neg

justjo

You are hurting because you know the truth and you know what you have to do. I feel for you but be a big girl and drop him.. Let her have him (that is not nice is it, )
You deserve your life to be fulfilling and happy. Ask yourself can you keep sharing him with other women and that bloody bottle too...

I know I definitely would not.

braveheart6

Thanks to all of you for your replies.


My life is more peaceful now he's gone,its the not even acknowleging I ever existed that twists the knife.

MR CHRISTIAN-I know only too well I have put up with way too much but its a journey to go through and when something really bad happens I can look everyone in the eye and say I did my best.

Its a new day today and g.daughter is coming to visit so looking forward to that.

Sunflower

it is true what you say that 'you will be able to look back and know you did your best" I have lived a good part of my life thinking that way--in some cases it can be true---but in others it is just the guilt we feel--or the A makes us feel for their problem...you don't want to look back and say-wow--look at all the pain and misery he put me through when I could have been enjoying life-look at all I MISSED'
This man has no respect for you---why should you have it for him?

StandingStrong

I truly feel for you. Alcoholism hurts so many people - and the pain of infidelity can be the cruelest most devastating pain to experience.

Seems to me that you've been nothing but loyal to this man and done everything that you could have done to help him and save your marriage. I think that is part of why we go through the "why?" stage. We see all that we've done for the people that we love and they have just continued to hurt us. At least this is how I felt. I couldn't understand why my A didn't love me back the way I wanted/needed him too.

I believe that what you are experiencing is a very normal stage of grief to go through. Just like when we lose someone dear to us in death - we go through the greiving process when we lose relationships as well. We experience the grief of having lost someone that we loved and cared for, the loss of the dreams we'd always held onto for the life we'd have, etc. So many things to grief when we reach the acceptance that the A that we fell in love with is no longer the same.

So, now you have to decide just what you want out of your life. You have to allow yourself time to heal and focus on the life you wish to create for you and your children. You start small and you move forward. And you find happiness for YOU.

I sure hope you keep posting here - and read the stickies at the top of the forum. I have read them more times than I can count - alot of valuable information there as well as throughout the forum.

((((Take care))))

mallowcup

Infidelity is not a spat, it pierces your core, it's a fatal wound that he strikes against you. It is a degree of pain that you wouldn't inflict on him in a million years.
He didn't pick her over you, he picked the bar stool and the drink in front of him. He picked death instead of life and that hurts.

Janitw

Add abandonment and now he's dealt the emotional death blow.....