When does it get easier?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Rensselaer, NY
Posts: 74
When does it get easier?
Hi fellow ACOA'S:
Just wanted to say hi and briefly tell you where I'm at. I am 45 and have 3 kids 22, 20, and 16. Divorced their dad 9 years ago after a 20 year relationship and 14 of those 20 married to him. I remarried for a second time 2 1/2 years ago, however, that was a mistake and I knew I shouldn't have done it but for some reason did so anyway. I asked him to leave last Sunday.
This latest split isn't troubling me emotionally as I do not believe I loved him. The first marriage hurt and hurt bad when it ended. I had to end it due to physical abuse and workaholism.
My kids are fine and I've always been a great mom and protected them to the best of my ability.
Being the daughter of 2 alchies who suffered through a painful childhood it was important to me that my kids have it as good as I could possibly provide to them. We are close and they are what truly bring me joy.
So here I am 45 looking at another divorce. I will have to go through all the legal crap again. It won't be nearly as hard as the first time as we didn't combine or share much. I have applied for a mortage to take this house over as I do not want to move.
The financial stuff can scare me if I think about it too long. I try to just stay in the day and worry about today.
Do you folks think at the age of 45 there is still much to do out in this world? What do you folks do to take really good care of yourself? Lastly, what do you folks do (those who are single) when a bit of loniliness may seep if from time to time?
Thanks.
Laurie
Just wanted to say hi and briefly tell you where I'm at. I am 45 and have 3 kids 22, 20, and 16. Divorced their dad 9 years ago after a 20 year relationship and 14 of those 20 married to him. I remarried for a second time 2 1/2 years ago, however, that was a mistake and I knew I shouldn't have done it but for some reason did so anyway. I asked him to leave last Sunday.
This latest split isn't troubling me emotionally as I do not believe I loved him. The first marriage hurt and hurt bad when it ended. I had to end it due to physical abuse and workaholism.
My kids are fine and I've always been a great mom and protected them to the best of my ability.
Being the daughter of 2 alchies who suffered through a painful childhood it was important to me that my kids have it as good as I could possibly provide to them. We are close and they are what truly bring me joy.
So here I am 45 looking at another divorce. I will have to go through all the legal crap again. It won't be nearly as hard as the first time as we didn't combine or share much. I have applied for a mortage to take this house over as I do not want to move.
The financial stuff can scare me if I think about it too long. I try to just stay in the day and worry about today.
Do you folks think at the age of 45 there is still much to do out in this world? What do you folks do to take really good care of yourself? Lastly, what do you folks do (those who are single) when a bit of loniliness may seep if from time to time?
Thanks.
Laurie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
At 37 I took up piano, at 39 I took up voice (singing). At 42 a friend of mine became a volunteer firefighter (she's now 53 and the head of the department). At 65, my dad took up distance bicycling and now bikes about 500 miles per week. At 45 my dad took up whitewater kayaking, and by 50 was considered one of the best on the east coast.
There are still plenty of things to do at the age of 45, if you want to.
As for what I do to take care of myself, I started learning to ask "would I do this if another person asked me to" when there was something I wanted to do. I started treating myself with the respect and nurturing that I treated others with. I also started reading again. Last week I started taking a yoga class. I plan on volunteering in the nearish future.
And when lonliness seeps in from time to time, well, that's what I have critters for. Critters (dogs, cats, birds, bunnies etc) are always there to be with us. I also make a mental list of all the people I know who would say "no problem" if I asked, at a moment's notice, to come visit them because I was feeling lonely. And I come online.
You're doing well to live in today and try to let tomorrow not weigh you down too much. One thing at a time.
Inhale. Exhale. If you keep doing that, the rest will sort itself out.
There are still plenty of things to do at the age of 45, if you want to.
As for what I do to take care of myself, I started learning to ask "would I do this if another person asked me to" when there was something I wanted to do. I started treating myself with the respect and nurturing that I treated others with. I also started reading again. Last week I started taking a yoga class. I plan on volunteering in the nearish future.
And when lonliness seeps in from time to time, well, that's what I have critters for. Critters (dogs, cats, birds, bunnies etc) are always there to be with us. I also make a mental list of all the people I know who would say "no problem" if I asked, at a moment's notice, to come visit them because I was feeling lonely. And I come online.
You're doing well to live in today and try to let tomorrow not weigh you down too much. One thing at a time.
Inhale. Exhale. If you keep doing that, the rest will sort itself out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm an adult child of two alcoholics. I started therapy 20 years ago, and have been in and out of therapy throughout that time. It wasn't until I found this board that I finally put all the pieces together and realized (when I read the 13 characteristics stickie) that all my issues stemmed from the same source.
Both parents are still alive, both are still drinking, and I am still in contact with them. My mom is showing the beginning symptoms of late stage alcoholism, my dad's drinking has gotten worse over the past year or so.
In my younger days, I went from one bad relationship into another, and finally, at the age of 27, decided I didn't want to do that anymore, so swore to die 'that crazy old lady with the 30 cats'. I met my husband 3 years, and much recovery, later. I'm married to a man who is NOT and ACoA, and who came from a relatively nontoxic family. I got the better deal on the inlaws.
I have a sister who I'm close to, although we are very different people. She occassionally drives me nuts, but I would also do anything for her. We survived our childhood together, and we have survived recovery together, and we are still growing and learning to become more healthy together.
I hope that covers pretty much all the bases, if there are more specifics you'd like to know, please PM me.
Both parents are still alive, both are still drinking, and I am still in contact with them. My mom is showing the beginning symptoms of late stage alcoholism, my dad's drinking has gotten worse over the past year or so.
In my younger days, I went from one bad relationship into another, and finally, at the age of 27, decided I didn't want to do that anymore, so swore to die 'that crazy old lady with the 30 cats'. I met my husband 3 years, and much recovery, later. I'm married to a man who is NOT and ACoA, and who came from a relatively nontoxic family. I got the better deal on the inlaws.
I have a sister who I'm close to, although we are very different people. She occassionally drives me nuts, but I would also do anything for her. We survived our childhood together, and we have survived recovery together, and we are still growing and learning to become more healthy together.
I hope that covers pretty much all the bases, if there are more specifics you'd like to know, please PM me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Sorry about that Laurie.
I'm 40. My disvorce took everything out of me.
My first relationship in recovery of 5 years break up
put me into the twiglight zone.
My current GF of 10 yrs relap's rocketed me to the 4th
into the spirit of the sunlight.
Each time I didn't think there would be any love inside
of me. but the good lord just slap some more back in me.
I was in a rock band when my ex-wife ask me out.
After our marriage,..between work and our duaghter.
I packed up my guitar and put in the closet.
I cried but never told her. i love my daughter very much.
I pick up my guitar again a couple of years ago. After
my gf relapsed. it brought back some type of sanity for me.
I worte a bunch of songs. it's posted on dan's site.
I'm 40. My disvorce took everything out of me.
My first relationship in recovery of 5 years break up
put me into the twiglight zone.
My current GF of 10 yrs relap's rocketed me to the 4th
into the spirit of the sunlight.
Each time I didn't think there would be any love inside
of me. but the good lord just slap some more back in me.
I was in a rock band when my ex-wife ask me out.
After our marriage,..between work and our duaghter.
I packed up my guitar and put in the closet.
I cried but never told her. i love my daughter very much.
I pick up my guitar again a couple of years ago. After
my gf relapsed. it brought back some type of sanity for me.
I worte a bunch of songs. it's posted on dan's site.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have re-invented myself so many times, and each time I become stronger.
After I kicked my ex-abf I decided to get a job out in the real world. I had left coporate america in 1998, took an early retirement, since that time I have owned 5 businesses and wrote several books. Yet, after he was gone, I knew I had to get out of the house...so I did. Took a management position,
not great pay, but very rewarding, and I am always meeting new people.
Just what the doctor ordered.
And, after 7 months, I decided to date, found myself a cute boy toy, doesn't drink or drug...we are having fun, nothing serious on my part.
Honey, if I can re-invent myself again at 59, so can you.
Attitude, attitude and more attitude, you are a spring chicken, go for it.
Hugs,
Dolly
After I kicked my ex-abf I decided to get a job out in the real world. I had left coporate america in 1998, took an early retirement, since that time I have owned 5 businesses and wrote several books. Yet, after he was gone, I knew I had to get out of the house...so I did. Took a management position,
not great pay, but very rewarding, and I am always meeting new people.
Just what the doctor ordered.
And, after 7 months, I decided to date, found myself a cute boy toy, doesn't drink or drug...we are having fun, nothing serious on my part.
Honey, if I can re-invent myself again at 59, so can you.
Attitude, attitude and more attitude, you are a spring chicken, go for it.
Hugs,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi LaurieJess,
I've reinvented myself again at 45 also.
I'm the adult child of two addict/alcoholics. I'm a victim of abuse and neglect. My two sisters gave in to addictions and both have died. I started out with precisely zero self-esteem, and I've spent my whole life pleasing other people so they won't abandon me. I stayed for six years with one addict, seven years with another. I'm a textbook codependent ACOA.
But I took small steps, lots of small steps. I read certain books and took time to think about them and write in a journal. I figured out a few things that I really love to do and be. I worked on really knowing myself and why I react to things the way I do. This is an evolution, a journey, that's taken lots of small steps along the path.
Now, at 45, I've decided to go back to college and get a degree. I had to drop out of school in my 20s because of the repercussions from addiction. I have to work full time and go to school half-time, but I really think I deserve it, and so I'm going to do it. Scares me to death but, hey, I only get one life and I want to enjoy it (I love going to school, I know others might not)
One of my best woman friends became a marathon runner at 50. Another left an abusive marriage and got a degree in social work (part-time) at 58, and now works for the mental health department of a midwestern state, and they send her overseas and all over to work and study. There are tons of programs and retreats and workshops out there for women who are trying to craft the second half of their lives....it's a joyful and energetic community. Google PeerSpirit or Angeles Arrien or even just "womens retreats" and you'll find tons of things to help you make these years to come your best ones of all.
Amazing things are possible if you can find the love for yourself within, and become your own champion.
What do you love? What are a few things you might want to experience in this lifetime?
Hugs, and strength,
GiveLove
I've reinvented myself again at 45 also.
I'm the adult child of two addict/alcoholics. I'm a victim of abuse and neglect. My two sisters gave in to addictions and both have died. I started out with precisely zero self-esteem, and I've spent my whole life pleasing other people so they won't abandon me. I stayed for six years with one addict, seven years with another. I'm a textbook codependent ACOA.
But I took small steps, lots of small steps. I read certain books and took time to think about them and write in a journal. I figured out a few things that I really love to do and be. I worked on really knowing myself and why I react to things the way I do. This is an evolution, a journey, that's taken lots of small steps along the path.
Now, at 45, I've decided to go back to college and get a degree. I had to drop out of school in my 20s because of the repercussions from addiction. I have to work full time and go to school half-time, but I really think I deserve it, and so I'm going to do it. Scares me to death but, hey, I only get one life and I want to enjoy it (I love going to school, I know others might not)
One of my best woman friends became a marathon runner at 50. Another left an abusive marriage and got a degree in social work (part-time) at 58, and now works for the mental health department of a midwestern state, and they send her overseas and all over to work and study. There are tons of programs and retreats and workshops out there for women who are trying to craft the second half of their lives....it's a joyful and energetic community. Google PeerSpirit or Angeles Arrien or even just "womens retreats" and you'll find tons of things to help you make these years to come your best ones of all.
Amazing things are possible if you can find the love for yourself within, and become your own champion.
What do you love? What are a few things you might want to experience in this lifetime?
Hugs, and strength,
GiveLove
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Rensselaer, NY
Posts: 74
Thanks so much for your replies!
You folks help me see the bright side! I love that phrase "champion yourself!" I received a pre-approval this week for a mortgage, so it looks like I'll be taking over this house! That made me very happy indeed!
I'll stay tuned, have a good day all!
Laurie
I'll stay tuned, have a good day all!
Laurie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Lauriejess 
I received a pre-approval this week for a mortgage, so it looks like I'll be taking over this house! That made me very happy indeed!
Take care and be strong....the financial stuff will work itself out and you will be fine.Hugs,
GiveLove
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