Curiosity got the best of me somewhat.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Curiosity got the best of me somewhat.
Ok this is a change from my usual high on recovery posts.
I dont know what made me do it. But just before I came to this board one of my dealers. My favorite one actually. His phone was off.And for like a couple weeks before I came here. That had alot to do with me not getting high as well. I was thinking he may have got locked up.
Anyway yesterday I dont know why but I just dialed his number out of curiosity and he answered.But I hung up. I have deleted all numbers from my phone but his is embedded in my brain. And now I am catching myself getting even more curious. And ontop of that. I can get from him without money. I am not feeling physical urges for once. Thank God. But my mind keeps reminding me that it is an option and I'm like making reservations it feels like.
Everytime I get the notion I say out loud.....I AM NOT GOING TO CALL HIM...I WILL NOT CALL HIM..I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE IN. I WILL NOT GIVE IN. LORD PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH. Seems to beworking. But the thought is still crossing my mind.
I am pretty sure even though I am thinking about it sometimes that I will not give in. It's just very aggravating that I would even let it invade my thoughts.
Oh and some good news. I finally found a NA meeting in a location I can deal with. (SIGH OF RELIEF) And to make it even better...It is right at the end of my cousins street. 2 blocks to be exact. I thought I was doomed to go to the hot spot to attend if I really had to.
The blessings just keep coming more and more everyday.
And for that I am grateful.
I dont know what made me do it. But just before I came to this board one of my dealers. My favorite one actually. His phone was off.And for like a couple weeks before I came here. That had alot to do with me not getting high as well. I was thinking he may have got locked up.
Anyway yesterday I dont know why but I just dialed his number out of curiosity and he answered.But I hung up. I have deleted all numbers from my phone but his is embedded in my brain. And now I am catching myself getting even more curious. And ontop of that. I can get from him without money. I am not feeling physical urges for once. Thank God. But my mind keeps reminding me that it is an option and I'm like making reservations it feels like.
Everytime I get the notion I say out loud.....I AM NOT GOING TO CALL HIM...I WILL NOT CALL HIM..I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE IN. I WILL NOT GIVE IN. LORD PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH. Seems to beworking. But the thought is still crossing my mind.
I am pretty sure even though I am thinking about it sometimes that I will not give in. It's just very aggravating that I would even let it invade my thoughts.
Oh and some good news. I finally found a NA meeting in a location I can deal with. (SIGH OF RELIEF) And to make it even better...It is right at the end of my cousins street. 2 blocks to be exact. I thought I was doomed to go to the hot spot to attend if I really had to.
The blessings just keep coming more and more everyday.
And for that I am grateful.
~Author of My Life~
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
I know what you're describing....been there done that! Yikes, It IS scary.and frsutrating.
What I did was acknowledge the fatc that I was fantasizing and considering making a very unhealthy and negative choice.but that yes...I DID have a choice, I had knowledge now.......and know;edge brings with it....POWER.power to do good, and power to do 'bad'......I 'fought' with the urges and feelings for a long while.then it came to me...........fighting wiht it, tangling with it.giving it so much attention and time would only keep the 'curiosity' hanging around........I had to reprogram my thinking, my 'automatic responses had to become more in line with myrecovery and healthy way of life, where before my first thoughts/responses were to gte high..........I had to learn NEW thought paterns.like for instance..I will take a wlk and reflect on all my blessings, I will write in my journal and list the pros and cons of what I am deciding..etc etc.
You can overcome this thought pattern.........it isn't easy.but I swear it became sooo much easier the more I worked at it!
That's what I can share, what worked for me.......acknowledge, but do not dwell.........act....don't react.
********{Warmest Hugs}}}}}
What I did was acknowledge the fatc that I was fantasizing and considering making a very unhealthy and negative choice.but that yes...I DID have a choice, I had knowledge now.......and know;edge brings with it....POWER.power to do good, and power to do 'bad'......I 'fought' with the urges and feelings for a long while.then it came to me...........fighting wiht it, tangling with it.giving it so much attention and time would only keep the 'curiosity' hanging around........I had to reprogram my thinking, my 'automatic responses had to become more in line with myrecovery and healthy way of life, where before my first thoughts/responses were to gte high..........I had to learn NEW thought paterns.like for instance..I will take a wlk and reflect on all my blessings, I will write in my journal and list the pros and cons of what I am deciding..etc etc.
You can overcome this thought pattern.........it isn't easy.but I swear it became sooo much easier the more I worked at it!
That's what I can share, what worked for me.......acknowledge, but do not dwell.........act....don't react.
********{Warmest Hugs}}}}}
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Thanks for your honesty, chiynita. I think you're doing the right thing by praying and asking for help to let go of the obsessive thinking. It WILL get easier with time. I'm also glad that you found a meeting in a better location.
Keep coming hon, you can do this.
Keep coming hon, you can do this.
Last edited by Rowan; 02-05-2008 at 08:05 AM.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
rowan, your kitty is so cute! i love your avatar, too......it's so true, i have not done it all week! lol....
chi, you are doing fine......great, in fact..........i still have thoughts like that, especially now that i'm off of vicoden all together........it's been two weeks since i needed one, and i hate to admit it, but i think of calling my doctor or my friend every day...........but i'm making it, and so are you.............these are normal thoughts......and you are doing all of the right things to avoid them and overcome them...........think of how good you are feeling, those beautiful children you love so much, how you can have a great life without the drugs.......and with them you will not........i wish there were a way to erase that number from your brain.........but we are all tested in this recovery process......and you are passing nicely.......i know how hard it is though..........
chi, you are doing fine......great, in fact..........i still have thoughts like that, especially now that i'm off of vicoden all together........it's been two weeks since i needed one, and i hate to admit it, but i think of calling my doctor or my friend every day...........but i'm making it, and so are you.............these are normal thoughts......and you are doing all of the right things to avoid them and overcome them...........think of how good you are feeling, those beautiful children you love so much, how you can have a great life without the drugs.......and with them you will not........i wish there were a way to erase that number from your brain.........but we are all tested in this recovery process......and you are passing nicely.......i know how hard it is though..........
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