What is your strongest trait of codependency?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
What is your strongest trait of codependency?
Maybe i should ask, how did you realize you're codependent? When I read the book "Codependent No More", I could relate to almost everything said in the book. But I never really had a serious look at myself or thought about what I should change about myself. Most of the time, i still focus too much on my AH. And I guess that's one of my strongest signs of codependency!
Another thing i came to realize is that i'm a people pleaser. i care too much about what people think about me. When I'm around people (esp strangers), i say things that i don't mean just to appear to be polite, nice, and accomodating. At work, i let one of my coworkers take advantage of me because i want to avoid conflicts.
Another thing i came to realize is that i'm a people pleaser. i care too much about what people think about me. When I'm around people (esp strangers), i say things that i don't mean just to appear to be polite, nice, and accomodating. At work, i let one of my coworkers take advantage of me because i want to avoid conflicts.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
LiLL, I think you just nailed it for me. People pleaser? Absolutely! It's getting better the longer I am in recovery but it is far from gone.
I do focus a lot on others moreso than myself. It's easier to see where they are screwed up than it is to look inside myself at what's really going on and what I need to do to fix it.
Taking on other people's stuff is another biggie for me. Taking on things that they should be dealing with (in other words enabling) and then feeling like an overwhelmed victim when they get mad because I couldn't fix the world meanwhile I have my own stuff piling up right alongside it.
I can't wait to see other responses.
Hugs,
Kellye
I do focus a lot on others moreso than myself. It's easier to see where they are screwed up than it is to look inside myself at what's really going on and what I need to do to fix it.
Taking on other people's stuff is another biggie for me. Taking on things that they should be dealing with (in other words enabling) and then feeling like an overwhelmed victim when they get mad because I couldn't fix the world meanwhile I have my own stuff piling up right alongside it.
I can't wait to see other responses.
Hugs,
Kellye
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
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accomodating... I've done plenty of that. Getting in a relationship & when the nice things done for me, slowly (actually quickly, sometimes) disappear, then I stay stuck, for months and that turns into years.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
well, ummmmm, oh gosh, there are so many.
my number one trait is that i think i know how to fix any situation....for others. ha ha.....hells fire....i can anyalyze you, write a personalized life program for you in my head, and carry out the first two steps before you even know it.
and then control. runs a close second. and when control doesn't work, i am perfectly capable of just writing one off like they never existed.
i didn't used to know i was like this, but now i do.....and am working real hard on these issues...plus at least 10 others.
my number one trait is that i think i know how to fix any situation....for others. ha ha.....hells fire....i can anyalyze you, write a personalized life program for you in my head, and carry out the first two steps before you even know it.
and then control. runs a close second. and when control doesn't work, i am perfectly capable of just writing one off like they never existed.
i didn't used to know i was like this, but now i do.....and am working real hard on these issues...plus at least 10 others.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Oh yeah, I need to throw control in there too. I just love to run the show and if it goes off well then awesome. If it doesn't then I beat the crap out of myself or blame others. In the process I make myself quite insane.
I am also capable of just turning everything off and walking away without looking back. I will stay and stay and try to fix, control, whatever. Then I reach a certain point where I just sort of shut down. Once that happens I am outta there. Is that a codie trait or is that a survival skill? I'm not sure. My mom is the same way and I just figured it was a family trait we shared.
Finally, I am quite the passive agressive. Goes along with the people pleasing for me. I let you think you're getting your way or I agree with what you're saying cause I'm terrified of conflict but then behind the scenes I am still trying to manipulate and control things.
I didn't realize any of this about myself until recovery. I was just always the victim, always the one crapped on, always the one who chose the bad ones. Poor poor me. Pour me a drink.
I didn't like finding this stuff out. Quite a blow to the ol pride and ego.
As I said earlier, things are better but still far from perfect. But at least I'm aware and know when I'm getting really out there. I try to reign myself back in when I start feeling too insane and out of control cause I am terrified it will lead me back to the bottle (not to mention I don't care to have a stroke over these things!)
Great topic!
Kellye
I am also capable of just turning everything off and walking away without looking back. I will stay and stay and try to fix, control, whatever. Then I reach a certain point where I just sort of shut down. Once that happens I am outta there. Is that a codie trait or is that a survival skill? I'm not sure. My mom is the same way and I just figured it was a family trait we shared.
Finally, I am quite the passive agressive. Goes along with the people pleasing for me. I let you think you're getting your way or I agree with what you're saying cause I'm terrified of conflict but then behind the scenes I am still trying to manipulate and control things.
I didn't realize any of this about myself until recovery. I was just always the victim, always the one crapped on, always the one who chose the bad ones. Poor poor me. Pour me a drink.
I didn't like finding this stuff out. Quite a blow to the ol pride and ego.
As I said earlier, things are better but still far from perfect. But at least I'm aware and know when I'm getting really out there. I try to reign myself back in when I start feeling too insane and out of control cause I am terrified it will lead me back to the bottle (not to mention I don't care to have a stroke over these things!)
Great topic!
Kellye
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Both alcoholism and codependency is an "I" centred world. Although the codependents do for others there is an expectation for the self. Approve of ME, love ME, like ME, don't leave ME, validate ME, don't think badly of ME...etc etc. It is a toxic relationship with the self.
As I am in recovery for both...it is getting out of ME..my head, my needs, my self pity, my "why me?", my narrow perspective, my feeling that the actions of others are about ME...that I am left because I am inadequate, not smart enough, pretty enough etc. It's always somehow turned around to be about ME. When in truth, others actions is usually about them...not ME.
As I am in recovery for both...it is getting out of ME..my head, my needs, my self pity, my "why me?", my narrow perspective, my feeling that the actions of others are about ME...that I am left because I am inadequate, not smart enough, pretty enough etc. It's always somehow turned around to be about ME. When in truth, others actions is usually about them...not ME.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
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Control, trying to fix everyone, damage control when I failed at controlling and fixing everyone. Over commitment, saying yes when I wanted to say no. Obsessing about what other people thought of me.
And the monster that is the worst for me to tame is the rage inside of me; not exactly the rage itself but getting honest with myself about it; acknowledging that I liked it, that it made me feel powerful. And letting it go so it wouldn't destroy me.
Good topic!
And the monster that is the worst for me to tame is the rage inside of me; not exactly the rage itself but getting honest with myself about it; acknowledging that I liked it, that it made me feel powerful. And letting it go so it wouldn't destroy me.
Good topic!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i'm a people pleaser too! i've also entered into a helping profession - so i'll always be taking care of others and helping THEM rather than myself.
i rely way too heavily on others. i didn't realize how "needy" i was until i was in a relationship with an alcoholic. we were both very needy but it wasn't until it was over, or started to get really bad for both of us, that i realized how codependent i really was... i was convinced my life would end without her, that i'd never sleep again unless she was with me, that i'd never be happy again without her, etc.
i rely way too heavily on others. i didn't realize how "needy" i was until i was in a relationship with an alcoholic. we were both very needy but it wasn't until it was over, or started to get really bad for both of us, that i realized how codependent i really was... i was convinced my life would end without her, that i'd never sleep again unless she was with me, that i'd never be happy again without her, etc.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Even after reading Codependant No More, I didn't really feel like I identified with it that much, but then I went to my first CoDA meeting 6 weeks ago. When they read the Patterns & Characteristics I kept sinking further into my chair, feeling like I was going to drop to the floor. I felt like I could identify with every one of them. That's when I realized I belonged there.
I've been trying to attend meetings every week, but rather than being ashamed or embarassed of codependancy, I look at it as one more journey on the never-ending road to recovery. Hey, "it's not just a job, it's an adventure"!
I've been trying to attend meetings every week, but rather than being ashamed or embarassed of codependancy, I look at it as one more journey on the never-ending road to recovery. Hey, "it's not just a job, it's an adventure"!
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
This is a great discussion .. Im not sure what I am , if Im codependent or not . i guess most of us are right ??? i usually do what i want , never let my ah keep me from going anywhere , he either comes with us (me & the kids) or he doesnt . Ive driven to Maine with our 4 kids while he was in rehab , I wasnt going to let him stop us from going on our yearly camping trip no matter how hard it was on me .. We had a great time ...
but on the flipside , i definitely steer away from certain conversations with him knowing it will start a fight . he has no problem fighting in front of the kids so i use that as an excuse all the time 'i cant ask him because the kids are always around' .
I will have to read that book , Codependent No More . Its been mentioned more than once so it must be good !
As far as people pleasing , I dont really fit that bill . I care to a certain extent what people think only because I know Im a good person so naturally I want people to see that in me too , but its impossible to please everyone . Some people are just not going to mix well with you and you have to accept that and let them go . I dont really have a problem saying no if I cant do something , problem is I always seem to be able to do it so I say yes alot !!
Am I making up excuses ????
but on the flipside , i definitely steer away from certain conversations with him knowing it will start a fight . he has no problem fighting in front of the kids so i use that as an excuse all the time 'i cant ask him because the kids are always around' .
I will have to read that book , Codependent No More . Its been mentioned more than once so it must be good !
As far as people pleasing , I dont really fit that bill . I care to a certain extent what people think only because I know Im a good person so naturally I want people to see that in me too , but its impossible to please everyone . Some people are just not going to mix well with you and you have to accept that and let them go . I dont really have a problem saying no if I cant do something , problem is I always seem to be able to do it so I say yes alot !!
Am I making up excuses ????
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i realized i was codependant gradually...and painfully. the night it hit me like a ton of bricks was when i crossed the line of acceptance and surrender.
i was constantly giving god a "to do" list, and he never did any of them like i wanted. so then i would bargain with him.....i'll do this if you will do that....
then i denied him, cursed him, and dared him. after that, it was really downhill. he put me in time out till i calmed down and listened to what he had been making available to me all the while....a wonderful program called al-anon.
up till then, i just couldn't believe that it may just be true that i had many many issues, and perfection was not one of them. it fed me to know how screwed up my ex husband was.....and how good i was.
i was constantly giving god a "to do" list, and he never did any of them like i wanted. so then i would bargain with him.....i'll do this if you will do that....
then i denied him, cursed him, and dared him. after that, it was really downhill. he put me in time out till i calmed down and listened to what he had been making available to me all the while....a wonderful program called al-anon.
up till then, i just couldn't believe that it may just be true that i had many many issues, and perfection was not one of them. it fed me to know how screwed up my ex husband was.....and how good i was.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm loyal...too loyal to the point that I loose myself.
"it's not that I don't love her, It's that I love her too much"
It took me a while to process this sentence.
I had a lot of guilt when pulling myself back.
It helped me to see clearer. And much talks or reading
of establishing a boundary help me to retain myself.
"it's not that I don't love her, It's that I love her too much"
It took me a while to process this sentence.
I had a lot of guilt when pulling myself back.
It helped me to see clearer. And much talks or reading
of establishing a boundary help me to retain myself.
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
I realized when I joined this group that I was codependent. I needed him. I wasn't just an enable. I had to have him around to make me look normal and feel normal. Scary!!!! My strongest trait too is people pleasing. It is fun however, when you stop doing that and let someone know how you really feel. When they see you won't change your opinion to match thiers. I love the respect and surprise you get from people when I finally speak up because I've always been such a pleaser!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am not a people pleaser, I have always lived outside the box, however, I have always been the strong one, the adult, even as a child...so, I became the fixer.
The one person army, leading, charging, conquering and that's where my co-dependency shines.
The one person army, leading, charging, conquering and that's where my co-dependency shines.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
My #1 trait is trying to "fix" everything for everyone.....
Until I came to SR , I had never even heard of the word co-dependent.
I have read Beattie's book twice now, and as I grow in my recovery I get a little bit more out of it.
Until I came to SR , I had never even heard of the word co-dependent.
I have read Beattie's book twice now, and as I grow in my recovery I get a little bit more out of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Whew! ... The more I read your posts, the more codependent I know I am. I also do the things you do, manipulating, controlling, offeirng help to others when they don't need/want it, always secretly wishing to get things done my way while pretending that i don't...
No wonder I'm never really happy, while everyone thinks i'm a very happy person. geez.... And all these years i didn't know i have a problem. Scary.
Now before I say or do something, I have to ask myself why i want to say or do that. Not always easy to catch myself pulling another codependent trick though. I wonder how and when I will recover, but I really want to!
No wonder I'm never really happy, while everyone thinks i'm a very happy person. geez.... And all these years i didn't know i have a problem. Scary.
Now before I say or do something, I have to ask myself why i want to say or do that. Not always easy to catch myself pulling another codependent trick though. I wonder how and when I will recover, but I really want to!
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