HKAngel24

Well... I am notorious for creating boundaries ("Call me when you...") and not coming through with them.

It's like a circus with my ABF and myself. I have broken things off so many times and than gone back that I feel I have little credibility at this point.

He claims he has been clean (I don't ask details. Trying to let go. If I do, he freaks out at the accusation and says that I'm making him feel like crap and not being supportive- I truthfully think it's a load of crap) but he is still talking to me like he's high as a kite. Slurring so bad that he can barely formulate words and at 4:00PM and 7:30AM? Odd times.

Because I am not being strong and not calling him and am being at my WORST codep and obsessive lately (repeatedly calling etc.) it has made me even more nuts.

On the phone just now- I told him that I KNOW he's messed up on SOMETHING and that I do not want him to call me until he is SOBER and CLEAN. I set my boundary but am absolutely terrified of not sticking to it. Afraid I will break down later and call or text message him -- merely because I'm lonely or I want some illusive reassurance that he's going to get better.

Any advice on how to stick to boundaries? This one in particular? And and all kind words are greatly appreciated - as I face the first frightening night scared I will give in.

tropikgal2

I guess the only thing I can tell you is when you are feeling weak, think of the BAD times. The times he treated you like CRAP and made you feel BAD. And get mad about it!! Sometimes anger is good because it keeps you safe. Take the phone and put it in the car....or the freezer...or somewhere that it isn't at arm's distance and you can't hear it.
If you are lonely, call a friend, but don't whine about your ABF incessantly, talk about something else at least a little bit. Or go over to Barnes & Nobles or Books-a-Million and get a coffee and look at some books! That is my FAVOURITE activity!! Or at least stay on here with us. I'll be on for a while.
Be strong, my friend!!! You can make it. Every day it will get better, just like recovery from any addiction. ((HUGS))

havehope

HK
I went through this when I was trying to detatch from my daughter. I was used to calling 3 times a day, checking up on her, needing to hear her voice to make sure she was OK.
I figured out (with a lot of help from SR), that I was allowing her to run my every emotion. I was making her my life; waiting for the phone to ring . . .

For tonight, I would put a sticky note on your phone with the word "NO" on it. You can do this - just for tonight. I bet you feel better about it tomorrow if you can just get through tonight.

One day (or night) at a time. This will get easier each time do it.

Hang in there. I believe in you. I know this is hard.
HUGS
Terri

teke

maybe you can write him a letter, tell him everything you want to say to him on the letter, then re write it to say exactly what you want it to say and keep rewriting it until the letter is written perfectly,by then you may find that you need to write a whole new letter then do the same thing with it. it helped me so much to get out all the things that i wanted to say and felt but didn't have to opportunity to. i never did get to send any of those letter, it just helped me to write them.

i know its hard to not call, especially when you feel so lonely, but it does get easier, the more you work on you, have you gone to any meetings yet. maybe you can call up some old girlfriend or relatives that you have talked to in a while. do you have a hobby, if not maybe you can start one. anything that you can do to keep your self from thinking about him. the more you do it the less you'll feel like you need to do it. keeping you and yours in my prayers

duet_4-8

One of my best friends, a former A who has been clean for a couple of years and works real hard to stay that way, told me to write down all the really hurtful things that my AH had done, and was doing. And to read it every time I started to miss him. She was right on, it has helped me get out of the fog when I go 'codie'.

(((HUGS)))

greeteachday

Great advice here....writing things out has always been helpful for me too. Living minute to minute, hour to hour helps too. I found if I said for the next half hour I wil not call or worry or whatever, it was easier than saying no more contact, no more worrying.

I sucked myself into the using/not using thing for awhile and realized I was driving myself more crazy than I was. It didn't really matter...what mattered was the conduct. Once I stopped making the focus trying to figure out whether straight or high, there was no game to get pulled into. I could establish what was acceptable to me, and if behavior wasn't appropriate, then I would not become engaged. The first few times are so hard, but eventually I felt empowered when I stuck to a boundary that I set for my own well being, not in an attempt to control my daughter's use.

Sometimes I think we have a hard time seeing our own progress...It's there...little by little you are getting stronger. The fact that you can recognize what you want to change about yourself is a big step, so be kind to yourself. Hugs!

krhea75

Sometimes I dial the number and then hang up, pull back and let my AS find his own way through the maze of addiction. of course it is different with a mate, but i think it is true that they have to reach their own bottom. hang in there sweetie.
krhea

HKAngel24

Thank you all so much for your kind replies.

I def. must take this ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I am trying to focus on all the horrible things that he has done/is doing.
But instead I keep spotlighting positive times/good times.

This morning was so insanely difficult as I just wanted to pick up the phone and call him. I know this will do nothing but prove to him that I cannot stick to what I have said about what is acceptable/unacceptable behavior.
I feel like I keep getting weaker. Don't want to give in.

dollydo

Maybe you can turn the phone off for awhile, you won't miss any messages as you can check them, if he calls delete the message before you listen to or read it.

Cell phones certainly have changed the face of the world, and have added to manys obsessive behavior patterns.

Calling and calling becomes a habit, one that can be broken by self control. It
won't happen overnight, but it will come.

Instead of just sitting there and obsessing about him, why not visit your family/friends. Get out of the house, keep busy.

He is taking up way too much of your space, because you are allowing it, regain your space, you own it.

My Best,
Dolly

parentrecovers

how about a few extra alanon meetings? that helps me...

blessings, k

BigSis

Dolly and Parent gave the answers I would have.

I had to turn the phone off, and then I had to get to some meetings. In those meetings, I did not obsess... for one hour. What a blessed relief that was.

I did not stop my obsessive behaviors right away... but over time, as I heard things reinforced at my meetings, and as I attended more meetings each week, I got stronger.

I wish you the best and send prayers of strength and comfort. (((hugs)))

duet_4-8

Me, too, greet! It took me a long time to figure out that whether AH was using or not was not the point at all; the way he acted was the point. Great thought!

caughtinthemid

I have been there and done that. When I divorced my husband, I was pregnant with the child he begged me to conceive. She is my daughter now and I have never regretted for a minute that I had her. However, the divorce was rough. I found myself remembering only the happy times.

I actually wrote out on a set of index cards specific instances where he hurt me, embarassed me, or let me down. Each time I had a sentimental moment where I romanticized the relationship, I pulled one out to balance that memory. The emotions that accompanied that memory were enough to keep me from calling him to beg him back, or to accept his calls.

HTH