sex vs porn question
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sex vs porn question
background, rah is clean for 4 months, i still don't really really trust him, even though its easier for me to trust as long as he's not using. i think that while useing, his drug use may include some form of cheating, i believe that it has happened that way in the past. since he's been home, we haven't been intimate very much at all. so he wants to buy porn, and i will do not want it in my home. it causes me to feel insecure.
we've talked about it and he feels that he needs something since i won't be with him. he feels like he's tired of begging me for sex. he says that it makes him feel like less than a man and guilty whenever we do have it, cause most of the time, he thinks that i don't want to, i just do it anyway. because i never initiate it,and do say no alot, he feels like he has to beg. he feels like he do all he can for me and the kids and he is trying to stay focused on his recover, he says that he will not use over it but he is tired of feeling the way that he does. i do understand why he feels this way, he don't seem to understand how i feel, or why. i will participate but i just don't initiate, and he takes this for a no, or that i don't want to. does this make any sense?
i need your comments on this
we've talked about it and he feels that he needs something since i won't be with him. he feels like he's tired of begging me for sex. he says that it makes him feel like less than a man and guilty whenever we do have it, cause most of the time, he thinks that i don't want to, i just do it anyway. because i never initiate it,and do say no alot, he feels like he has to beg. he feels like he do all he can for me and the kids and he is trying to stay focused on his recover, he says that he will not use over it but he is tired of feeling the way that he does. i do understand why he feels this way, he don't seem to understand how i feel, or why. i will participate but i just don't initiate, and he takes this for a no, or that i don't want to. does this make any sense?
i need your comments on this
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It seems to me that he is more concerned with "his needs" than with yours, and that his solution avoids the issue and doesn't include on working on it with you.
I would be upset also, but I am not in your shoes so really haven't got any experience to share. My thoughts are perhaps to stay open in your communication with him, decide on your boundaries for you and stick with them, and think about what is acceptable to you and what is not.
It takes two people to make a relationship, and when one person is doing all the work it leaves a huge void emotionally. I'm sorry it is this way for you and hope something improves soon.
Hugs
I would be upset also, but I am not in your shoes so really haven't got any experience to share. My thoughts are perhaps to stay open in your communication with him, decide on your boundaries for you and stick with them, and think about what is acceptable to you and what is not.
It takes two people to make a relationship, and when one person is doing all the work it leaves a huge void emotionally. I'm sorry it is this way for you and hope something improves soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Teke, THis is a turn around! You usually are the one giving ME advice! LOL!
Anyways, Intimacy is an important part of a marriage. I understand that with women, underlying emotional issues can often affect the desire to have sex, whereas with a man it is less so. Thus, the male ability to separate sex from love. (Ladies, you know what I am talking about). I can understand your husband's frustration to your spurning his advances and maybe he feels having porn is the only thing he can do other than running out and cheating on you (God forbid!). Sounds like you two could definitely do with some couples counseling. Are you unresponsive to him because of his past transgressions? Is it the trust factor? Or is it something physical like your hormones are out of whack? Has there ever been a time in your lives when you had good sex without drugs?
It sounds like you two (especially you, Teke) have been working hard on your sobriety and staying together, so I would say definitely try to work on this too. REALLY examine your feelings, even though it may be hard. Detach from your emotions and examine them objectively to see what's really going on in your heart and mind.
(((HUGS)))
Anyways, Intimacy is an important part of a marriage. I understand that with women, underlying emotional issues can often affect the desire to have sex, whereas with a man it is less so. Thus, the male ability to separate sex from love. (Ladies, you know what I am talking about). I can understand your husband's frustration to your spurning his advances and maybe he feels having porn is the only thing he can do other than running out and cheating on you (God forbid!). Sounds like you two could definitely do with some couples counseling. Are you unresponsive to him because of his past transgressions? Is it the trust factor? Or is it something physical like your hormones are out of whack? Has there ever been a time in your lives when you had good sex without drugs?
It sounds like you two (especially you, Teke) have been working hard on your sobriety and staying together, so I would say definitely try to work on this too. REALLY examine your feelings, even though it may be hard. Detach from your emotions and examine them objectively to see what's really going on in your heart and mind.
(((HUGS)))
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
well he call me from work with the question about buying porn, i told him how i felt about it and he called back a few minutes later to say that he didn't realize that i felt so strongly about it, he apologized and said that he would honor my decision, that he would handle being without for as long as he could but he's tired of feeling like he has to beg, but he keeps saying that he's not gonna let that make his use. i think that he's the only one working on the relationship and its me who is not at all, and this is somewhat true. i think that its me who avoids working on anything with him. i know that i'm not doing anything to help the way he feels, if anything, i validate what he's feeling. i think its me this time. i think that he really is tring to consider my feelings, but i am being stubborn about everything that has anything to do with him.
tropik
i don't know why i'm so unresponsive, i think it has to do with my insecurities. yes it can be great but maybe i'm afraid of getting too attached, and its been this way for yrs.
tropik
i don't know why i'm so unresponsive, i think it has to do with my insecurities. yes it can be great but maybe i'm afraid of getting too attached, and its been this way for yrs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Teke, If you have been having trouble with this for a long time, there may be something else lurking in the background. If you are not getting one-on-one counseling, I highly recommend that you do to find out what's happening in your mind. The mind and body are powerfully connected. Sex isn't everything, but it is a wonderful way for two people who are deeply in love to share part of themselves with the other person.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
There is a whole message board over at divorcebusting.com dedicated to people who have lost sexual interest in their partners. It has lots of advice and strategies to get those feelings back. However, something about the whole concept bothers me.
I'm aware that sexual excitement of mature love can't always live up to the sexual excitement of new love. That's understood. But if you have to try so hard, if those feelings are so lost, I don't see that it's a true romatic relationship anymore. I lost all my sexual feelings for my ex during the last two years or so and it was my subconscious telling my conscious what it had been denying ... that this relationship was over. What we were was good friends, not lovers.
Just my experience ...
I'm aware that sexual excitement of mature love can't always live up to the sexual excitement of new love. That's understood. But if you have to try so hard, if those feelings are so lost, I don't see that it's a true romatic relationship anymore. I lost all my sexual feelings for my ex during the last two years or so and it was my subconscious telling my conscious what it had been denying ... that this relationship was over. What we were was good friends, not lovers.
Just my experience ...
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Teke, going to counseling just for you I believe will truly benefit you.
If you do not want to have sex with your husband then that is your right and
you can tell him so. You cannot make yourself want or do what he tells you
"he" needs. Be true to yourself and keep your boundaries so that you feel safe and whole.
You have alot of trust issues with rah. You mention this time and again. It's okay to let him know you don't trust him and tell him why.
It's honest.
No trust does not make for a healthy, mutually caring partnership. It's simply impossible. Where do you want to go with your life?
As Dr Phil would say, how's your life with rah working for you?
Hugs
If you do not want to have sex with your husband then that is your right and
you can tell him so. You cannot make yourself want or do what he tells you
"he" needs. Be true to yourself and keep your boundaries so that you feel safe and whole.
You have alot of trust issues with rah. You mention this time and again. It's okay to let him know you don't trust him and tell him why.
It's honest.
No trust does not make for a healthy, mutually caring partnership. It's simply impossible. Where do you want to go with your life?
As Dr Phil would say, how's your life with rah working for you?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
teke!!
i agree ,, u know sexuall intimacy cantell alota bout emotional intimacy..
if one is missingthe other willmisstoo.. thats what i think..
i think u was hurt so muchfromhim that now u dont wanttpget hurt again thats why u avoid any intimacy,, emotional and sexual..
teke i really really think that u and your husband have to have a talk .
about the way you feel,, about everythingin ur head,, rightnow ithink its like u hold things inside andit doesnt help u..,i have learend so much from u,, the way you look at things..
teke,, about porn i have an issue about it too,,ihate it,, i always thinka that these poor girls that are there maybe doing itfor drugs and itmakes me want tothrow up when ieven hear about it...
i get madif myhusband is watching it,, and especially it goes with drugs,,,,
so its something that i talk to my husband about too, it really offends me..
right now he told me he doesntwatch it when hes sober... buts til its hot topic here,, imnothappy about it at all...
i have my insecurities and it just adds up.
teke,, i think ifurhusband calls u and asks u he does care he doesnt wan tohide it fromu,, thats why the best you and him talk about everything,, tell him how u feel about everything,, i think it will help u so so much.. teke!! youre very strong woman and ur husband is very lucky to haveu!!!
i agree ,, u know sexuall intimacy cantell alota bout emotional intimacy..
if one is missingthe other willmisstoo.. thats what i think..
i think u was hurt so muchfromhim that now u dont wanttpget hurt again thats why u avoid any intimacy,, emotional and sexual..
teke i really really think that u and your husband have to have a talk .
about the way you feel,, about everythingin ur head,, rightnow ithink its like u hold things inside andit doesnt help u..,i have learend so much from u,, the way you look at things..
teke,, about porn i have an issue about it too,,ihate it,, i always thinka that these poor girls that are there maybe doing itfor drugs and itmakes me want tothrow up when ieven hear about it...
i get madif myhusband is watching it,, and especially it goes with drugs,,,,
so its something that i talk to my husband about too, it really offends me..
right now he told me he doesntwatch it when hes sober... buts til its hot topic here,, imnothappy about it at all...
i have my insecurities and it just adds up.
teke,, i think ifurhusband calls u and asks u he does care he doesnt wan tohide it fromu,, thats why the best you and him talk about everything,, tell him how u feel about everything,, i think it will help u so so much.. teke!! youre very strong woman and ur husband is very lucky to haveu!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Teke,
Porn sucks. Especially if your not that kind of person. What you said to him was right. If you don't watch it, don't bring it in the house.
Your not wanting to be intimate with him because you are not getting what you need from him emotionally. Your scared of being crapped on again, you are tired from your work all day, your pissed at him for his drug use, you hate him for not caring and dammit you don't feel loved!
He is thinking about himself.
So what you don't want to have sex! That's why he has two hands! Why sacrifice yourself and say yes and have sex? If you don't want' to DON'T!
It's telling you something. You are not wanting to open up to him and that's o.k. He needs to understand that! You have every reason in the book to not be interested in that department! Have the both of you tried marriage councelling? Or somehow get your everything out in the open.
Porn sucks. Especially if your not that kind of person. What you said to him was right. If you don't watch it, don't bring it in the house.
Your not wanting to be intimate with him because you are not getting what you need from him emotionally. Your scared of being crapped on again, you are tired from your work all day, your pissed at him for his drug use, you hate him for not caring and dammit you don't feel loved!
He is thinking about himself.
So what you don't want to have sex! That's why he has two hands! Why sacrifice yourself and say yes and have sex? If you don't want' to DON'T!
It's telling you something. You are not wanting to open up to him and that's o.k. He needs to understand that! You have every reason in the book to not be interested in that department! Have the both of you tried marriage councelling? Or somehow get your everything out in the open.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
I was going to say just what anvilhead mentions. He can take care of his self gratification without letting you know he wants to bring porn into your home.
Yep, he's messing with your head in my opinion too.
He's the one making the big deal here....all about him...selfishness to the core.
Yep, he's messing with your head in my opinion too.
He's the one making the big deal here....all about him...selfishness to the core.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
With my ex, it never affected our love life. It was good all 6 years. In fact, sometimes it was the only time I saw the man I loved come back. Like someone else mentioned, in my 1st marriage I knew it was over when the thought of my husband touching me made me sick. With my ex, even the last time I saw him & he held me & kissed me, I still went weak in the knees. He was the only man I ever truly was intimate with (on ALL levels) & we never lost that.
My sponsor many years ago told me I used sex as a punishment. In other words, you hurt me, I won't touch you. And she said it can very quickly destroy what is left.
I definitely think you need to look into either couples counseling or one-on-one. Decide what or if you want this relationship. I don't see him as manipulating. Even my dad has a drawer full of Playboys & he's 76. I think your husband is reaching out & can you imagine how HE feels when you say NO. I know the few times that my ex said "no", I felt as if I was somehow NOT what he wanted anymore.
My sponsor many years ago told me I used sex as a punishment. In other words, you hurt me, I won't touch you. And she said it can very quickly destroy what is left.
I definitely think you need to look into either couples counseling or one-on-one. Decide what or if you want this relationship. I don't see him as manipulating. Even my dad has a drawer full of Playboys & he's 76. I think your husband is reaching out & can you imagine how HE feels when you say NO. I know the few times that my ex said "no", I felt as if I was somehow NOT what he wanted anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Teke I think men measure their self worth with being intimate and when you say no its like he feels he isnt good enough to be with you. Sure its a release but I also think its the way he associates sex with being a "man". I dont think men really understand what sex means to us. I know for me I never feel closer to my fiance then when we make love. Its the intimancy that is shared. When I tell him no it upsets him but I think on a different level he feels like I am rejecting him and thats not it at all. I just dont feel like it. Men very rarely dont feel like it. For them its also a stress releiver too. I mean he can have a bad day at work we have sex and he seems to have forgotten his bad day. Yeah I am that good lol. I know when I am made or resentful I dont want to touch him with a ten foot pole. I think its more emotional for women that just getting our rocks off.
He doesnt need porn to do what he needs to do. Do you ever just catch a look at your husband and really feel that need to conect to him on a deeper level. That look that made you fall in love with him? I understand that its hard to intimate with someone when your just not feeling it. Men are from mars and women are from venus. We think differently when it comes to sex. On the bright side your husband finds you very attractive and wants to share that with u maybe by making love. I dont know maybe some marriage counseling will help and maybe u will get that connection back that you two once had. Dont feel like you have to do anything. If I'm made to feel guilty about saying no yeah sometimes I give in but I make damn sure he notices that I'm not really enjoying it. Although most times I do but I cant let him know that!
He doesnt need porn to do what he needs to do. Do you ever just catch a look at your husband and really feel that need to conect to him on a deeper level. That look that made you fall in love with him? I understand that its hard to intimate with someone when your just not feeling it. Men are from mars and women are from venus. We think differently when it comes to sex. On the bright side your husband finds you very attractive and wants to share that with u maybe by making love. I dont know maybe some marriage counseling will help and maybe u will get that connection back that you two once had. Dont feel like you have to do anything. If I'm made to feel guilty about saying no yeah sometimes I give in but I make damn sure he notices that I'm not really enjoying it. Although most times I do but I cant let him know that!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
sex vs porn question...
I want a dollar, three fifty for my answwer on this one. A penny just won't do it *LOL*
sex vs porn vs "making love".
Think on that for a bit. I will be back and add more thoughts later.
I want a dollar, three fifty for my answwer on this one. A penny just won't do it *LOL*
sex vs porn vs "making love".
Think on that for a bit. I will be back and add more thoughts later.
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
ok yall, im here, just need to take in all of you guys comments, for a minute. i thought i was ready until best show up with the cliff hanger.
glad he showed up too tx. i'm thinking and waiting best
glad he showed up too tx. i'm thinking and waiting best
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
i will participate but i just don't initiate, and he takes this for a no, or that i don't want to. does this make any sense?
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Cinder, why feel rejected? Your not wanting sex in the first place is a valid
reason to be honest and say so. Women are not receptacles for their husbands urges. Sex is a mutual pleasure and desire....otherwise what is it? A duty, a chore? Puhllleassseee, aren't there enough duties and responsibilities without adding sex on demand to the list?
reason to be honest and say so. Women are not receptacles for their husbands urges. Sex is a mutual pleasure and desire....otherwise what is it? A duty, a chore? Puhllleassseee, aren't there enough duties and responsibilities without adding sex on demand to the list?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Dang...hit me between the eyes. My ex & I had an argument about all the bimbos he'd been with & how could I compete with "experts". And he looked at me and said (he'd been clean & sober & working his program for a year), it's different with you......with you "I make love". With them, it was just sex.
Thank you Best. Hurts, but makes you think. But then it makes me miss him again.
Thank you Best. Hurts, but makes you think. But then it makes me miss him again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Teke,
I agree with kj about how men view intimacy as being connected to their self worth.. just as women have typical emotional needs that are needed for true fulfilment.
I agree with the others that bringing up the porn issue was not a good thing to do.... but I also think he seems to be trying to work this out with you. You are living together but not truly united and that is mostly due to his prior actions....right?
If you and he are willing to make this work, the two of you need to start over- have dates, talks and go to counseling. Otherwise this conflict won't be solved and maybe he needs to move on.
How long you both are willing to wait to try and make it work is up to you both. I've read some of your posts where you mention he is trying to make amends and do the right things for you and the family.
I see love as a decision we make...based on feelings, yes- but not ruled by them.
I hope you will be true to yourself on this...I'm not saying to betray yourself and do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable...even a little bit. It concerns me that he doesn't understand this....have you ever explained it to him? The things he says and trying to push you into things...aren't the things that would put a gal 'in the mood' and maybe he's just trying whatever he knows to get back to the closeness you once had.
It can be whatever you want it to be no matter the age or amount of years together...it's all in the perspective. Infatuation and fleeting passion is not love and making the decision to give your trust, love...and yourself should be made carefully.
It's my opinion that once we feel safe and make that commitment..or re-make that decision...(blush) the passion and ooh-la-la...will happen ;-)
You deserve to be secure and so does he. Love does make the world go round! ...well maybe not but it sure can make you dizzy
Maybe a wonderful marraige can happen with you two...and maybe not.
Only you know what you feel and I hope this can all work out for you both.
teke, I think you are such a sweet person and I'm sorry that this has been such a problem for you...I'm betting that you will be able to work it out within your heart and mind.
hugs,
cmc
I agree with kj about how men view intimacy as being connected to their self worth.. just as women have typical emotional needs that are needed for true fulfilment.
I agree with the others that bringing up the porn issue was not a good thing to do.... but I also think he seems to be trying to work this out with you. You are living together but not truly united and that is mostly due to his prior actions....right?
If you and he are willing to make this work, the two of you need to start over- have dates, talks and go to counseling. Otherwise this conflict won't be solved and maybe he needs to move on.
How long you both are willing to wait to try and make it work is up to you both. I've read some of your posts where you mention he is trying to make amends and do the right things for you and the family.
I see love as a decision we make...based on feelings, yes- but not ruled by them.
I hope you will be true to yourself on this...I'm not saying to betray yourself and do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable...even a little bit. It concerns me that he doesn't understand this....have you ever explained it to him? The things he says and trying to push you into things...aren't the things that would put a gal 'in the mood' and maybe he's just trying whatever he knows to get back to the closeness you once had.
It can be whatever you want it to be no matter the age or amount of years together...it's all in the perspective. Infatuation and fleeting passion is not love and making the decision to give your trust, love...and yourself should be made carefully.
It's my opinion that once we feel safe and make that commitment..or re-make that decision...(blush) the passion and ooh-la-la...will happen ;-)
You deserve to be secure and so does he. Love does make the world go round! ...well maybe not but it sure can make you dizzy
Maybe a wonderful marraige can happen with you two...and maybe not.
Only you know what you feel and I hope this can all work out for you both.
teke, I think you are such a sweet person and I'm sorry that this has been such a problem for you...I'm betting that you will be able to work it out within your heart and mind.
hugs,
cmc
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